So, hello. I know I said it would take a while before I would update again, but here we are. I want to warn you, this is a rather emotional chapter, and you might need some handkerchiefs. As always, please enjoy it, and let me know what you think. I have a feeling that there might be a few opinions about what I did here. Let me know, I'm here for complaints and comments as usual. I wish you happy reading. Cheers!
<><><>
"She can't see them under no circumstances." Max decided looking down at the newspapers resting on the breakfast table, with an annoyed expression while holding Henry to his chest, who was watching his father before reaching out with his hand and touching Max's chin, before making a delighted sound causing Max to redirect his attention to his son.
"I thought so too, but we can't leave her in the dark forever." Adrian said, glancing down at the front page of the newspaper laying on the top. It had been him, who had advised Max to take her out for a date. They were just in town, eating at a cute little Italian restaurant, Henry with them but as always, someone saw them and snapped a picture. It wasn't even a bad picture perse. Max was carrying Henry in his maxicosy with one hand while holding Joanna's with the other, both of them looked positive, which was a miracle since Joanna seemed to wear a constant frown since the boy was born but since the picture showed no other flaw, they concerned themselves with Joanna's weight.
"Only until she's feeling better." Max answered swiftly. He did not like this either, but he won't show Joanna any of the articles about people calling her a bad mother because she's losing weight faster than someone things it's appropriated. Yes, he knew that Henry was only a week old, and that Joanna couldn't look as lean as she does, but there was no changing that now either.
"I will have breakfast brought upstairs in an instant." Adrian told Max, but the younger one shock his head.
"I convinced her to leave bed and come downstairs for breakfast. Please just let the newspapers disappear. I don't want her to see them now that her mood finally seems to lift again a bit." Max said, causing Adrian to nod, before he made sure the younger Austrian would never see these newspapers.
"What about some time spend with other adults?" Max asked, sitting on the short side of the table during breakfast and with Joanna by his side, rather than opposite on the other short side of the table. Henry in her arms, lifted slightly into the air while she was making funny faces for the boy, who let out delighted sounds and high-pitched screams of amusement.
"What about it?" Joanna asked, her eyes on Henry while she furrowed her brows. All happy and enjoying their son's company. "What about it?" She repeated but this time in the voice Max used with Henry as well when he tried to make the boy squirm in delight. Her eyes on their son. Her breakfast untouched.
The Dutchman watched for a moment, the knife with which he had put butter on the toast resting in his hand while he watched Joanna scrunch her nose and Henry reached out to grab one of his mother's golden hair strains. She looked healthy and happy. Playing with their son with no worry in the world and in that moment, she was, Max knew that. Her delight over having Henry was not just a show so the world wouldn't see how bad she truly was. Joanna had her highs and her lows in extreme force. She loved motherhood and everything which was part of it, and she hated it at the same time, the responsibility crushing her.
She had days like today. Happy and smiling since the earliest hours, since the sunrise, playing with Henry, laughing and smiling. These days make Max want to ignore her bad days, they make him want to deny that she wasn't well not truly. On days like today he wanted to ignore it the bad ones, it would be so much easier to just close the eyes, to just see her when she's smiling and happy. When she was well.
But she also had these other days. Days were leaving the bed seemed like an impossible task, days where all she did was laying in bed and crying. When it's so obvious that she would want to refuse Max and not hold or nurse their baby.
For the most part, he lets her be, not trying to force her to be with Henry when it so clearly seems to pain her, but the lethargic state she's in, laying in bed, not saying anything, not eating. He had told himself so often already that he would call their doctor to tell him that something was wrong with Joanna, but then he told himself that maybe it would go away on it's own again, that should she be like that the next morning too, he would call him. But the thing was, she never had two bad days in a row.
He was a terrible partner, he knew, but he didn't want to believe that Joanna was truly that bad, not when the next morning, she wakes him up with Henry in her arms, a loving smile on her face and a plan for the day to excitingly share with him. How could he call the doctor and tell him that something was wrong, when the next day everything was perfectly fine and even better than he could have ever wished for?
He looked away and smeared some jam with the knife on the toast. Thinking about it too much wouldn't do them any good.
"I thought about what you told me." Max said. "I think too much changed too quickly. It might be good to give you some sense of normality back." He added, but Joanna did not react, not really. She simply kept playing with Henry, causing Max to reach out and touch her arm, forcing her gently to settle Henry in her lap.
"This is what's normal now." Joanna told him, her eyes on Henry, before she looked up to meet Max's gaze. "Our life revolves around him now. We knew it would be like that and we never wanted it any other way."
"You're still allowed to be your own person. Being his mother defines you now, yes, but it's not the only thing that makes you yourself, J." Max told her before reaching over and holding the toast with butter and jam in front of her mouth, looking at her expectantly. And by God, Max never thought someone could bite into a piece of toast sassily, but his fiancé just did, before shewing on the toast for a moment. As soon as she had swallowed, she smiled sweetly at him. Today was a good day, her smile caused one to bloom on his face too. Max knew he had to address it, to find a way to help her and the only time he could talk to her and expect a coherent answer was on her good days. The days he did not want to ruin by talking about the bad ones. Everyone had bad days after all.
"You should go back to work." Max told her, nevertheless which caused Joanna to furrow her brows. It's not like she would say no if they would call her to get into the car right now, even though she knew she wasn't in the shape to do so, but hearing it from Max did confuse her, nevertheless. The last time she had been in a car it was in Austria, and it nearly killed them both. Her arm still hurt when the weather was off.
"Don't you think I'm a bit too big to get into a car right now." Joanna tried to joke, but Max did not laugh. The truth was, no she wasn't and that worried him greatly too. The Austrian was almost instantly back to her normal weight. The doctor said it was due to her body being trained all her life and just knowing this shape and wanting to return to it and with Joanna not gaining much weight during the pregnancy anyways.
"I'm talking about the FIA council." Max clarified. "You could talk to adults and do what's most natural for you and not even leave the house. Henry would be with you the whole time." The Dutchman explain hopefully. This was the only thing he could think about to give her back a bit of what used to be normal to them without stressing her even more.
Joanna was about to say something, but then Adrian entered the room, smiling gently upon seeing Joanna sitting by the breakfast table with Max, holding Henry and smiling right back at him. It was good to see her up and about, it was good to see that she was getting over her baby blues, even though Max did not think it was baby blues but something far more serious, Adrian was sure it would be over soon. After all, how couldn't Joanna be totally in love with tiny Henry.
"Miss Lauda, Mister Verstappen. The first guests have already arrived." Adrian spoke, which caused Joanna to furrow her brows for a moment. The guests weren't expected until much later that day, causing Max to frown, before taking a bite from the toast, he had been holding in front of Joanna's face not too long ago. He felt like he wouldn't get much food that day.
"Already?" Joanna wanted to know, which caused Adrian to nod.
"Do you wish for me to distract them, until later?" The old Austrian asked, and a part of Max wanted to say yes, it surely would be funny. The Dutchman could imagine it rather well, Adrian showing their guests the whole house, talking about history and then bringing them to Patrick in the garden, they would be busy for a few hours for sure, but Joanna was faster than him, telling the Austrian that it was fine and to lead their guests to them.
The moment they were alone, Max turned to face Joanna again, before setting to fed her some more of the toast, he felt like she wouldn't eat much today either. "Who of them doesn't know the difference between pm and am?"
"Oh hush." Joanna scolded him.
"Surely a native speaker." She then added which caused Max's lip to curl into an amused expression.
"Lando." Max told Joanna his guess, causing the Austrian to lift an eyebrow before looking at Henry, who was leaning against her upper body, napping away now that his mother wasn't entertaining him any longer.
"Oh please, he might not know where Austria is if you show him a map, but he knows the time." Joanna told Max, who was finishing the toast, before smearing some butter and jam on a second one, only to offer it to Joanna again.
"So, who is your guess?" The Dutchman wanted to know while working on their breakfast, which caused Joanna's expression to change into an amused once.
"Daniel." She answered and of course, Max could have thought about that too, to be honest. In the end, as Adrian opened the door and stepped inside to announce their first guests, they were both wrong, as a familiar German stepped through the door and smiled gently at them.
<><><>
"Max mentioned that we almost lost you." Sebastian said as he walked next to the Austrian, the were looking at some flowers in the greenhouse, the cold November air not suitable for a new born. Henry carefully watching his mommy and the stranger next to her, while the Austrian pushed the pram in front of her.
"I lost a lot of blood. It didn't go quiet as planned." She told Sebastian matter of factly, while Sebastian moved to lay his hand over her's on the pram, causing her to stop and look at him.
"I am endlessly thankful that you and Henry both are well now." Sebastian told her which caused Joanna to smile at him before he gestured at Henry. "Can I?" He wanted to know which caused Joanna to nod, before watching as Sebastian lifted Henry out of the pram carefully only to settle Henry into his arms, who looked around unsure for a moment, but then saw his mother close by and decided to settle down for now, not like he would in his father's arms, but enough for Sebastian to smile down at the little boy.
"They are so cute that age. But he will grow so fast you will see." Sebastian told her, which caused Joanna to step away from the pram and sling her arm around Sebastian's, before the resumed their little walk.
"Are you thinking about another one?" Joanna wanted to know, which caused Sebastian to pull his eyes from the tiny Austrian-Dutch before looking at his mother.
"I think the next baby in our household will actually be a grandchild." He replied, earning himself a funny look from Joanna.
"Grandpa Seb." The Austrian joked. "Has a ring to it. But as long as we get a little friend to play with, we don't care if it's a Vettel or Leclerc, right Henry?" Joanna spoke, reaching over Seb's arm to hold her son's hand, who grabbed her fingers instantly, only to find his mother's engagement ring, causing Joanna to laugh before pulling her hand away again, before the baby could pull her ring into his mouth as he had clearly planned. She didn't want him to hurt himself.
"Is everything okay between Max and you? I know from my own experience that a birth can put your relationship to the test." Sebastian wanted to know. He had seen the worried glances Max gave Joanna when she wasn't looking. Something was off, but he wasn't sure what it was, not when Joanna seemed so overjoyed.
"I think I've put our relationship to many tests before." Joanna answered him. "He loves me still. I don't deserve him to be honest." There was a small laugh of disbelieve escaping her throat, not believe that he had it in him to still love her, but he did.
"Oh, no. You do." Sebastian spoke instantly. "After everything you went through, after ever obstacle you overcome, you deserve the world."
Smiling down at Henry, Sebastian took the clue and handed the boy over to his mother, who carried him proudly rested against her chest. "I don't want the world. Not anymore. Max and Henry, they are my world."
<><><>
"Charles." Max greeted the younger man with a handshake and a stern look. The Monegasque believed that would Pia have an older brother, he would look at him like Max did. Sometimes he thought it strange, on track and in the paddock, Max smiled at him easily and liked to talk, was friendly enough, but in a private setting, he always had the disapproving big brother vibe.
"Max." Charles said as he took the offered hand and shook it, while Pia watched from behind them and exhaled slowly before touching Max's and Charles's shoulder. "Are we done with the turf war, gentlemen?" She wondered before hugging Max in greeting.
"This is my home solid. I think he got who's in charge here." Max joked which caused Charles to give him an annoyed expression while Pia laughed delighted.
"Joanna." Charles said, causing Pia to laugh louder while Max gave him an annoyed look now.
"I was told this is a baby welcome party, so where is the baby." Pia asked before they could start to fight, her eyes on the other guests of the party. She could see Lewis talk to Jenson Button and Alain Prost. Nico Rosberg was talking with some of the younger driver away from Lewis while Daniel talked with Christian Horner and Helmut Marko. Most likely planning something.
"Your father and J took him for a stroll in the greenhouse." Max answered her. "They should be back soon, hopefully." He added, before telling them he would see them later for sure, but he had to move to greet Toto Wolff and the rest of the Mercedes fraction or people would be offended. The comment made Pia laugh again, while Charles pulled his fiancée to meet with Pierre.
<><><>
The moment Sebastian, Joanna and Henry joined the rest of the guests, people began to flock them. Complimenting and congratulating Joanna on Henry. They were gushing over him and asking a ton load of questions which reminded Joanna of the press pen after a race. Dutifully she answered questions and allowed people to hold Henry, if they asked, even though she wasn't that amused by it. Max noticed soon and took over, taking Henry and holding him a bit more to his chest protected. They didn't want to overwhelm the boy.
"Found a moment to breathe." Max ask Joanna as she joined him at the bar, while he was talking to Christian and Helmut. The party was in full swing by then already.
"Hopefully." She muttered, while gently brushing over Henry's soft head, who was sleeping against his father's chest in his baby sling. Warm and a bit more protected from the noises.
"We were just talking about how old someone has to be for a junior contract." Christian told Joanna, which caused her to look at him surprised, before reminding the Red Bull team principal that Henry was a bit over a week old.
"We have to see if he has any talent before, of course." Helmut said, while Max reached around to rest his arm around Joanna's shoulder causing her to lean into him a bit. She wasn't fit enough to host such a party just yet as it seemed, maybe they should have waited a bit longer after all.
"He's joking." Christian said, before Joanna or Max could react. "You must excuse us, we're just all very excited for you guys. The Red Bull family has gotten a new member after all."
They talked a bit longer, Christian invited Joanna and Henry to come to Abu Dhabi with them which caused her to thank him, but also tell him that they had to think about it some more, see how things were going. They weren't sure if they should take Henry to races already, maybe it would be better to wait until next season, which Christian answered with a lot of understanding, before they excused themselves to go an talk to Toto which gave Max and Joanna a moment to themselves too.
"Helmut might die of shock when Henry wants to be a ballerina instead of a racer." Joanna joked after taking a sip of water.
"My dad too." Max said, a smile on his face, but that fell swiftly, as he noticed someone entering. "Speaking of the devil." The Dutchman muttered as his father entered the room, searching for someone and finding the person in Max.
"Have you invited him?" Max muttered to Joanna, moving his lips as little as possible.
"No." She answered, causing Max to nod, before he pressed a kiss on top of Joanna's head and moved toward his father, but Joanna was fast to reach out and take his hand as they now made their way over to Jos Verstappen together.
"Dad." Max greeted which caused the older man to nod at his son, before looking at his soon-to-be daughter-in-law and saying her name in greeting too.
"I called you and left texts since that interview you two gave, but you never replied, so I decided to come by, I hope I'm not interrupting." Jos said, his eyes on his son, the baby against his chest hidden a bit too much for him to actually see the boy well.
"No, of course not. We're happy you're here." Joanna said before Max could answer, but the Dutchman would no longer cower before his father. He hadn't invited him, he wasn't welcome here, even though Joanna tried to keep the peace.
"No, not really." Max spoke over Joanna, who stopped talking and glanced over her shoulder. The two Verstappen men were just talking with each other, but all the quests were watching them secretly, concerned. "You said you want to see me on my terms. Just showing up is not on my terms."
"Would you have let me meet your son, or just ignored me for the rest of your life and called it doing things on your terms?" Jos asked his son, which caused Max to huff, while Joanna rested her hand on the younger Dutchman's shoulder.
"Maybe we should move this..." She tried to deescalate, but was spoken over swiftly again, which annoyed her greatly.
"You had no right to say such things in that interview and then not reply to my calls and texts." Jos said, which caused Max to snort.
"I had no right to tell the world what you did? Just be glad I'm not telling them how you truly raised me." The son challenged his father, who huffed in return.
"I made you the man you are today. I thought you were man enough to talk to me again as you send me that text about the birth of your son."
"I wanted to tell my father he's a grandfather now, but maybe that was a mistake." Max told him, his hands protectively resting around Henry.
"Alright, I will leave if that's what you want. I see you're fully embracing your Lauda family now. Her brother is here, but you didn't even invite your own parents and sister. Can I see my grandchild properly before I'm leaving." Jos asked and for a moment Max wanted to tell his father to just leave, but before he could make his own decisions, before he could decide to stand up to his father once and for all, Joanna spoke.
"Of course." she said before Max could say no. Her hand moved from Max's shoulder to stand in front of him, her hands lifted, which caused Max to look at her for a moment, before he moved to hand Henry over to his mother, who did not pick up on the sudden change of mood.
Joanna smiled slightly and turned to Jos, before speaking again. "Let's go somewhere where we can take a seat and it's a bit quieter." This caused the older one to nod and walk into the direction Joanna gestured for. She was about to follow him, but Max gently took her upper arm and pulled her to him.
"What are you doing?" Max muttered angrily into her ear, causing the Austrian to look at him.
"Go scream into a pillow or have a drink, I don't care but calm down and then come join us or entertain our guests." She told him, causing Max to let go of her arm, before he watched her go.
Joanna took a deep breath before walking into the corridor where Jos was waiting for her, his arms crossed over his chest, while he watched her with a stern expression.
"Why?" He asked. "He wanted to kick me out. Why did you step in?" The oldest Verstappen wanted to know while walking down the corridor with the Austrian until they stepped into the library.
"My father is dead. He will never hold Henry or any other children we will ever have. I will not deny my child knowing the only grandfather he has." The Austrian said, which caused the look Jos gave her to change.
He sat down after Joanna gestured for him to do so, before gently resting Henry in his arms while biting her lips, before sitting down right next to him. The grandfather looked down at the grandson for the very first time, only for the boy to open his eyes. It was as if he was back in that hospital room all these years ago, as he met Max for the very first time. Henrik had his father's eyes. These intelligent blue eyes.
"Max didn't like it." Jos muttered, his eyes on Henry. "You were on my side, not his."
"Don't think I'm on your side, I'm not. Going against Max for you is nothing I will ever do again. I'm doing this so you might give each other the chance to work this out. I never gave my father the chance and he didn't want it. I regret it now and I know he regretted it too as he died." She explained to Jos, who bit his lip, not once letting Henry out of his eyes.
"You want me in his life?" Jos asked after a moment, not clarifying if he meant Max or Henry, but the answer was the same. Yes, Joanna wanted him to take part, he just had to change first. He had to show them that he was wroth the trust they would lay into him when they allow him to be part of their life. Jos always believed Joanna to want him gone. That she wanted Max to herself, so she would be able to model him in the man she wanted to be with. He would only be in the way.
"What about his mother?" Jos wondered.
"Don't." Max said from the door. "My mother is not your business anymore."
Max walked inside and closed the door of the library behind him, before joining them. He stood in front of them, looking at Henry resting in his father's arms and all he wanted to do was take him back. Protect him from the harm his father had done to him. He swallowed, before looking at Joanna who was giving him an encouraging look. She was the love of his life, and he would always listen to what advise she had to give him, but this time, she was wrong.
Joanna didn't sob or wail, her grief was horribly discreet when faced with people, but as persistent and almost as silent as bleeding from an unstitched wound. He never that she wanted her father to be here and maybe she was compensating this with forcing him to give his own father another chance, but Max had decided for himself that he wasn't ready yet. One day, when he had showed him, he was to be trusted maybe, but not now. Not when Joanna was unwell, and he had to take care of his family. He had no mind he could pay him.
"Give me my son." Max told his father which surprised Joanna and for a moment neither of the men moved, until Jos got up and moved closer to Max to hand Henry over.
"Will I see him again?" Jos asked Max, who looked down at his father.
"I don't think so, at least not for a while. I don't have the mind to get our relationship back on course now. If you're willing to wait, I might. But right now, I don't want you to be a part of my son's life. I don't trust you." Max told his father, who swallowed, he was about to say something, but then he looked over his shoulder at Joanna and smiled.
"Thank you, for letting me see him. I'm glad you are alright. I will leave you to your guests now." Jos spoke, before he stepped out of the library where David was waiting, as if he was guarding the door.
"Max." Joanna spoke, but before she could say any more, the Dutchman spoke over her.
"You are the love of my life, but don't you ever do something like this again. My father is my problem to deal with. I don't want you to have any contact with him. I know you miss your father and that your relationship was complicated, but it was nothing like my relationship with my father. I don't want him close to Henry or you, all he does is manipulate people to get what he wants." The Dutchman spoke, which caused Joanna to get up from her seat and join the rest of her family.
"I just wanted to help. To give you a nudge into the right direction, to talk things out. I never had the chance to." Joanna told him, which caused Max to reach out with his hand and cup her cheek before kissing her softly but demanding. Henry looking up at his parents before clapping his hands together, which caused them to break the kiss and smile down at their son, before Max kissed her again.
"I don't want him near you." Max said to Joanna, which caused her to nod.
"He's your father, it's your decision. I just don't want you to regret it one day." Joanna told him which caused Max to nod.
"We have other things which are important now. Our family and our health." Max decided, his father would have to wait, maybe forever. Forever might be the best decision.
"Are you mad at me? That I let him hold Henry?" Joanna wanted to know while gently letting her fingers brush over Henry's chest.
"A bit. But it's nothing I won't forgive. Just ... listen to me when I tell you to stay away from him, okay?" Max told her, which caused Joanna to look up at him before nodding. The Dutchman smiled slightly before kissing her again.
They went back to their guests after and if they shared a few more kisses to reassure each other before, then nobody but them had to know about it.
<><><>
"Already enough time spend with your godson?" Joanna asked leaning back against the backrest of the cushioned terrace sofa, finally after another few hours of entertaining some guests, she had managed to slip away for some time, as the Aussie stepped outside, the French balcony doors swiftly closed behind himself, a sign leaving his lips, before the Austrian addressed him, but the moment she did, he put a smile back on and turned around to face her.
"Never." Daniel smiled brightly, almost cheekily, before stepping forward and resting his under arms on the finely crafted but sturdy stone wall which separated the terrace from the garden below before looking over his shoulder at Joanna. "You're fiancé his putting him to bed."
"Why are you outside? It's freezing." Daniel said, moving to rub his hands over his upper arms as if to emphasise his words, but the Austrian did nothing to agree with him. She looked past Daniel, a strange nostalgic but somehow wholesome expression on her face, while she watched the sunset paint the horizon in a gentle glowy orange, the snowy garden and the warm shine of the light coming from the Lauda House providing them with enough light for Daniel to see the Austrian despite the setting sun just fine.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Joanna asked her gaze on the horizon, but the Aussie thought to see that her eyes trailed from the setting sun to the garden shrouded in snow. To her home. The home of her family. Daniel thought he might hate her.
As he met Joanna all these decades ago by now, all she had was a name. She was this awkward young girl that struggled thought making friends, an accent even worse than his own and so utterly alone on this world, but it took him some time to realise.
Daniel had heard about her all the way back in Australia. It was a game to him, thinking about all the wealth she must have grown up in, all the things she must have, how nice it must be to live with her family while his was so far away, but he would grow up to raise his own kids just like they raise the Lauda children. That was his goal until he met Joanna.
The first time he saw her from across the karting track, carrying her helmet in one hand he wasn't disappointed, and also as he finally was brave enough to walk over and introduce himself to her, but as they slowly became friends, Daniel noticed little things that let him realise that his imagination had run wild with him. Daniel had learned that she wasn't living with her family, and he thought it odd. Joanna never spoke about a mother or her many siblings, while Daniel never shut up about his family. He explained these little things to himself logically, until he heard the very first whisper from the other kids on the weekend, he had seen Mathias Lauda for the very first time. Bastard. At first Daniel wasn't even sure what they meant by that, so he asked for gossip and got it. They told him all, no detail spared.
That day, Daniel realised that Joanna paid a prize for her name and talent he wasn't ready to pay. Sometimes he wondered if she would have been happier, being born the child of someone else. A mother who loves her with all her heart, just as his mother loves him, a father who supports her without limits, just as his father supports him. Siblings, maybe a dog. She was his friend, and all Daniel did was pity her.
Until Jules told him that Joanna would choose her talent above an intact family any day because that's all she had ever known. She was all alone, the only person she could rely on was herself, her talent but it would take Daniel years to really understand that.
It was the first thing he learned about her, the first personal thing. He had believed her to be posh and arrogant which she was, but not due to her name. He felt like he could like her.
They were not dealt the same set of cards. Their beginning so similar as they met in Europe, the point where they took off the same but as usual, Joanna was the better player, held her cards closer to herself. Sometimes Daniel felt like he had many cards, many distractions and things he cared to explore, while Joanna had a single card in the beginning. While he was giving cards away, Joanna collected them. It made no big difference in the beginning. He did not realise that things were changing. That Joanna found her own way in life, that his pity was so undeserved.
Daniel believed them to be on the same path, but while he was taking time to enjoy life, Joanna got herself a seat in Formula One. On that day, he was jealous of her for the very first time. A terrible thought came to his mind, that it had been her name that got her that seat and not her talent, but he swallowed it. He was happy for her, he would follow her and so would Jules. It was just a matter of time. What did it matter that Joanna's carrier was skyrocketing when he had Jules by his side. He got over it, but then his friend went and crowned herself champion. Not once, but twice, without him even being there yet.
But he would go there too, he would win a championship as well. What did it matter that Joanna already had accomplished it? He had accomplishments too, he had found love. Joanna had not back then wasn't even close, and Daniel thought that it was just the way things worked. He had love first, now he would win. But all he ever did was lose.
It was hard not to be jealous of her now, it was hard to not laugh about how ironic life was until all he could do was cry. Daniel almost couldn't bare looking at the child, so undeniable Max, so clearly Joanna. He could have a child with Jules too, if the world would be a better place, a fairer one. He loved her, Joanna was something very special to him, but he couldn't deny any longer that he hated her at the same time. She got everything life did not grant him.
"The cold?" Daniel asked, swallowing his sorrow again. Jules had died years ago. A joke ready on his lips, the feeling that their relationship was crippled by the weight of their shared past so overly visible to him. He was ashamed of it. It was his doing as much as hers.
"I can't stand the cold." The Aussie said. Years ago, they would have smoked during such a conversation. A little rebellion against their strict diet and training schedules. That was decades ago. Daniel wondered when he had started wasting his life.
Joanna could tell him that the cold air hurts while breathing. That she barely felt her cheeks, that she felt numb for the first time not only on the inside. That it felt good, she deserved this. This is the air she breathed while growing up. Joanna could tell him that sitting here, outside in the cold air reminded her of her father.
"It's just weather." She told him instead. They don't talk anymore, not like the used to.
Daniel turned a bit to look over his shoulder at her, before directing his gaze on the snowy garden again. "I ..." Daniel started to speak before he stopped himself again.
"You were right before." He then said. "I can barely look at Henry." Daniel admitted, before turning around and taking a deep breath before he walked over and sat down next to Joanna, his elbows resting on his knees, while he buried his face in his hands.
"I am no different." Joanna admitted which caused Daniel to look up at her, shocked.
"I don't understand... what can I do for you?" Daniel wanted to know which caused Joanna to give him a sad smile. Addressing this again and again was draining her even more. They had a good day, but Joanna felt as if her love for her child was fading with the sun. She was a monster. No, she was just numb. An emotional unavailable mother. Her son deserved better, Max's son deserved better.
"This shall pass." The Austrian simply answered. It hurt her, knowing how deeply hurt Daniel is but still being his priority when something was off. The universe always was cruel to him.
"Why?" Daniel questioned, which caused Joanna to reach out and rest her hand on top of his. She was not going to answer him and for a moment she thought she had angered him enough with this, so he was going inside as he got up after pulling his hand away, but instead he got down on his knees in front of her and reached out to cup her cheeks.
"Do I have to lose you too?" He asked her, searching her eyes, which caused Joanna to reach out to rest her hand on his, only to pull it away from her face.
"Is there something left to lose?" She wondered. "Aren't we already ruined? I know nothing about you anymore. What is going on inside your head? I used to know that." The Austrian told him, earning herself a grimace from the Aussie. They used to know each other inside out, they used to just have to look at the other and know what was going on. Daniel felt like misled by his instincts now when he looked at her. A small part of him hated Jules for doing this to them. A bigger part hated Jules for dying. There was so much hate, it was eating away at Daniel until he was sure nothing would be left.
"Nothing has changed. My pain is still the same. As Jules ... as he died. He ripped my heart out to take it with him and since this day I'm walking around with an open and bleeding wound, screaming and crying to finally be allowed to go too." Daniel told her, causing Joanna's face to soften slightly, her hand reaching out to grasp his own.
"It's my fault you have to feel this pain." Joanna admitted, but Daniel was swift to brush her off.
"No. Don't say that. Don't give me an easy way out, because I might take it." He warned her. Considering for a moment to say more, but where was the point in that? He had cried out his heart for years by now, it wasn't bringing Jules back. No matter what he did. Nothing seemed to be able to heal him. Daniel was a hopeless, since the day Jules left but he was also aware with whom he was speaking. He knew that the younger drivers liked to come to her, to ask for her absolution. They were all sinners, running to her to speak them free of their sins. Maybe it would work one day. He had to try.
"I hate that I can't talk of him without getting sad." Daniel began to speak, his eyes closed tightly. "I hate that I can't have that future he had promised me we would have. I hate that we will never have children. I hate that I will never get to have the same happiness with him as you have with Max. I hate so much. It's exhausting."
Joanna was listening, but they both knew that this was nothing she wasn't already aware of. Daniel was trying to hide his feelings with silence, maybe even both of them, but they forgot, that their eyes spoke more than words ever will be able. Joanna knew that his sadness and grief had turned into anger and fury. The Austrian knew that while it was history for most people, for Daniel it came back to haunt him every single time he closed his eyes. It all came back so clearly.
"I know." Joanna finally said, which caused Daniel to glance at her, a wounded expression on his otherwise always smiling face. It looked so off, as if such an expression was never meant to be Daniel's but his face had been forged into it.
"I hate that I had an engagement ring I never got to use." He whispered finally. "I gave it Pia. Told her to ask Charles to marry her." He added which caused Joanna's gaze to change, but he didn't want to talk about manipulating the relationship of someone else, he didn't want to hear about getting involved was wrong, he simply wanted to confess. Joanna was their priest, their pope.
"I know what you think about that, just don't." He warned the Austrian, afraid that if he would not confess all his sins now, he would never. There was so much to say, half of which Joanna surely was aware. Just because they weren't speaking of it, did not mean they weren't aware.
"I didn't do it for her, I think not. I did it because of him. Because of Charles. I can't look at him. Every time I do I see him. ... Seeing him today, it nearly killed me. They look so similar and for a stupid tiny moment when I see Charles my heart begins to beat fast, because for a tiny moment I think it's him. Every time, and then I try to hide my disappointment when it's just Charles. Which is terrible, I shouldn't feel let down when I look at Charles, I feel terrible for it. But I had that ring for Jules and something deep and twisted deep inside of me wants Charles to wear that ring."
"You and him, that will always be unfinished business. But doing this to Charles is cruel." Joanna muttered, before lifting her hand to brush a strain of her golden hair behind her ear.
"I know." Daniel said. "I just can't bring myself to care."
"I'm scared for Charles." Joanna mentioned. "I know what he is doing is a continuation of Jules' legacy. He has a mission, a mission to do what Jules should have done, but I have this feeling. I'm afraid something terrible will happen if he keeps going like this."
"We will keep an eye on him." Daniel promised, because that really was everything they could do. He had learned a long time ago that no one could protect anyone, but if someone could, it's Joanna. If someone sees the signs early, it's her. If her gut feelings tells her something, you better fucking listen. They've lost enough people already because they did not. He would never again do it.
"What's going on with you?" He asked after a long moment of silence.
"Weren't we talking about you?" There as a small smile on her lips, and Daniel wondered what will happen to Max when Joanna dies. It would be a mercy if Max dies first.
"What, me? Good old me. Nah, I'm fine." Daniel tried to joke, but the smile on his lips wasn't reaching his eyes. Joanna gave him a certain look, which caused him to drop the act, she was looking right through it, anyways. "Listen I get it, okay? This will always be the problem. I will never heal from this, I will never get over it. He was the one and they took him from me. I am the way I am because he is not here."
"So, why does Max look at you like as if you were made of glass?" The Aussie pushed again, which caused Joanna to glance onwards, the garden was truly beautiful. Daniel guessed she couldn't wait to see Max play with their son right in that garden. He would like to see that too, maybe it would give him a sense of peace.
"I'm not well." Joanna admitted. "I thought it's baby blues in the beginning. It's not. I have a depression and ... it's pretty bad."
"Does Max know?" Daniel wanted to know, which caused Joanna to give him a sad smile.
"To an extent." She said. "One moment I hate being a mother and doesn't even want to look at Henry, the next I'm deadly afraid of letting him out of my eyes. Max is more aware of the second part and thinks the other side is more me being exhausted from almost dying."
"Tell him all about it." Daniel advised, but all Joanna did was letting out a sign, before glancing at Daniel.
"I can't, I fear he would never recover from it. I had a dream last night. I had three boys, they were playing in the garden with my father. I woke in panic. I thought they took Henry from me too. As I held him in my arms moments later, I looked down at my perfect and healthy tiny boy and I felt numb. All I could think of was that his brothers are cold and alone. They lie in slowly decaying boxes under the frozen earth and worms eat their way through their tiny coffins. My babies are rotting, they are dead."
"Joanna." Daniel muttered, silly girl, stop breaking yourself, he thought. The tears that have gathered in Daniel's eyes a mirror to Joanna's tearful glance. Daniel moved to hug Joanna, but the Austrian pushed his arm away and stood up.
"No. You don't understand." She claimed. "I can't... Henry, he... every time I look at him I see the deformed and decomposing faces of my babies, his brothers. They should be here, with me, with their mother. They should have welcomed their little brother into the world. Henry shouldn't be my firstborn. It's just so wrong."
This time, she allowed Daniel to wrap her into his arms tightly, holding onto the crying Austrian, her sorrow was tearing everything which was left of him apart, the silent scream that was stuck in her throat, but she was afraid to let it out. The sadness and grief she never managed to get over. Joanna was good at controlling her emotions, at hiding them deep inside her, locked away in a little box, where they were meant to rot. Seems like something broke at lock, seems like it was break her too.
Daniel's hands were shaking as he gently pushed Joanna back, so he could reach out and cup both of her cheeks, before making sure she was looking at him. Her sobs quietening down, even though Daniel thought she had the right to cry and cry and never stop. She was strong for so long, the grief must be eating away at her like the anger was consuming him.
"You need to tell Max how bad it is." Daniel told her. He wondered if this moment was similar to the moment Joanna had with Jules before he died. He wondered if this was his chance to finally safe someone he loved. To redeem himself for being obvious to what was happening right in front of him. Maybe this was his chance to safe someone else's love. To do for Joanna what she couldn't do for him.
"I don't want him to know." Joanna muttered. "He would never look at me the same way again. It took me so long to get him back, I don't want my life to lay in ruins again." She told him, which caused Daniel to move forward and press a kiss against her forehead, before pulling her head forward so it was resting against his collar bone, their arms tightly wound around each other.
Daniel thought about what to say, how to make her see reason, but he was never truly good with words. Joanna was, but her head were so full of them, he sometimes felt like words weren't working with her any longer. All he could do was help her see. So, he lifted one of his arms to the back pocket of his jeans and pulled his phone out. Joanna glanced up at the movement and looked confused at Daniel for a moment while being pulled in a half hug now.
"I was torturing myself with pictures the other night again. I've seen these pictures a million times, but then I noticed some I've never seen before." Daniel told Joanna, before showing her a picture she knew only too well. They were all standing in a circle, their arms around the shoulders of the driver next to them, helmets laying in the middle. It was after Japan, after Jules...
"Why are you showing me that?" Joanna wanted to know while she brushed her hand over her cheek to get rid of the tears which have fallen.
"Look where you're standing." He told Joanna, causing her to look closer, normally the picture was taken from the other side. Always just the back of her head to be seen, but this time her face was clearly visible, a somber expression, her brows furrowed as if she was concentrating on holding on. Daniel was opposite her on the other side of the circle of drivers, she remembered wondering how he did it, how he was not breaking down and crying, but what she never registered was that the driver next to her was Max. A so young version of him, wearing the Torro Rosso race suite.
He was looking at her, most likely just a glance, but then Daniel showed her another picture, taken just moments after. She was looking at Max now, they were looking at each other, the Dutchman giving her a soft look. By now she knew it was a look of love and deep care. Joanna remembered that she was out of it, but she wondered why she couldn't remember these pictures being taken.
"He has loved you for as long as he can remember." Daniel told her, which caused Joanna to look at the Aussie, before he showed her another and final picture.
The other drivers were ready to leave already, whoever had been standing next to Max was already gone, an arm in the air next to Joanna, that had already left her shoulder, but her arm stayed on Max's shoulder, as his stayed on hers. They were still looking at each other, Max soft expression stayed, while Joanna's furrowed brows have turned into a look of concern too, a gentle look in her eyes and the fingertips of her right hand up to touch the side of Max's face. It was a gesture to reassure him, a gesture of comfort and back then in 2014, they were nothing for each other, but the picture was strangely intimate.
It was one of those pictures which you look at years later and go, oh yeah, how obvious we were without even noticing. Nothing romantic was going on between them back then, but looking at the picture, a connection between the two of them was so clearly visible. They would be something for each other one day, the only question which was left to be answered was what it would be. One wrong step and they would have ended up as rivals and enemies, but for once they seemed to be lucky. Not enemies and rivals, but lovers, parents, husband and wife.
"And you have too. You just took longer noticing it." Daniel told her, which caused Joanna to look at him once more.
"Tell him. Tell him everything which is on your fucking mind, because you simply can. Promise me." Daniel asked of her, but before she could say anything, they both turned their heads upon hearing the French doors opening, only for Max to step outside and instantly move his hands to cross over his chest against the cold.
"There you are. We've been wondering where you went." Max said, which caused Daniel to smile at him, while Max stepped forward to face the two of them, his expression neutral, until he saw the reddened eyes.
"What happened?" He asked worried, before reaching out and pulling Joanna against him, one arm holding her against his side, while the other one gently brushed over her cheek to get rid of the tears.
"Fuck you're freezing." Max muttered, wondering how long the two of them were already out here in the freezing November air while he moved his hand up and down Joanna's back to warm her up a bit.
"Have you made my girl cry, Ricciardo?" Max asked jokingly, which caused Daniel to sniff, before brushing over his own cheeks.
"Hey. She made me cry first." He replied, while Joanna held onto Max's tightly, her arm around his neck, her forehead leaned against his cheekbone.
"It's nothing. Just had a heart to heart, you know." Joanna said which caused Max to nod, before pressing a kiss to the crown of her head.
"How about we go back inside? The others have gathered in the library." Max said, which caused Daniel to nod, before squeezing Max's shoulder shortly and moving inside. Austria was fucking freezing in November. He should have never stepped outside to get some fresh air. The greenhouse it is the next time, or the spa.
"Henry?" Joanna wondered, which caused Max to smile slightly. "I put him down. The baby phone is in the library and Emma volunteered to have an eye on him until we retire for the night too." He added which caused her to nod, before taking Max's offered hand and letting him lead her inside.
"You could have talked in the house too, you know?" Max told her, as her freezing cold fingers touched his warm skin. The house was big enough to have heart to hearts basically everywhere, but his fiancée seemed to like the freezing cold best.
"I need to talk to Charles." Joanna told Max, which caused him to lift an eyebrow at her, which caused her to reach for his arm before wrapping it around her shoulders. "You told me to talk to more adults."
"I know, I just think I already regret it." Max said. "Can it wait until tomorrow? It sounds rather serious, and they have found the stack in the library, I don't think he's able to have a serious conversation right now."
"It can wait. You should have a drink too. It was a long day." Joanna told him, which caused Max to kiss her lips, before they went on to walk down the corridor to the library. He won't, his father had been drinking while Max was a baby and never quit after. He understood that having one drink and being an alcoholic was not the same, but he wouldn't kiss Henry good night when there would be alcohol to be smelled on his breath and he rather wanted to do that than have a gin and tonic.