One month has passed since my kidnapping and the murder of Laird Douglas Wallace. We laid Douglas to rest in the cemetery that adjoined the castle. He was buried next to his beloved wife and daughter, that was one of his wishes in his will. Arran and Gavin held each other as the casket was lowered into the ground by six large clansmen. I could not find the tears to shed at all, no matter how hard I tried to will tears to fall from my eyes. All I could feel was overwhelming guilt for his death.. We were burying Gavin's father, while Theo and Trenton sat in our dungeons. They deserved to be dead, while Douglas deserved to be alive. Why was the world so cruel to allow such evil men to live. Both men were waiting for punishment they so justly deserved for the numerous crimes they committed against those they swore to protect. Gavin's aunt Edith was there too, her eyes never leaving her brother's casket. She did not take her brother's death well, and blamed me for his untimely demise. And she was right to blame me for it. I blamed myself for it. If I had died in that field, then none of this would have happened. Douglas would have still been alive and Gavin would have been happy and carefree. I often found myself in the chapel, begging God for forgiveness and begging him to end the suffering of my husband. Yet God had no answers for my woes, just silence. Complete and utter silence.
Gavin often spent hours away from me over the past month. He was cementing his authority of the Clan. He was either traveling to other Lairds to make to make alliances, or speaking with Garratt and his aunt hidden away for hours in his study . Arran was the one who kept me company, and tried to help me run the castle. He was dealing with his father's death the best way he could. Though his once cheerful disposition had become solemn. And my heart only hurt more from seeing Arran so sad and so lost. On one of those afternoons that Gavin was away. I was in the study, going over the household accounts. Something that often brought me comfort. The door opened and Lady Edith entered. I put my quill down, leaning back in the chair. I was not expecting her to walk through.
"Lady Edith, this is a surprise," I said. I then stood up and motioned toward the two chairs by the roaring fire. Lady Edith never sought me out. She chose to ignore my very existence. I was alright with that choice. I could not face anymore anger and grief. And I am sure that she felt both. She was angry at me, and was still grieving over the lost of her older brother.
"Lady Wallace, I wish to speak to ye privately," she said. I pulled my shawl a little closer to my body. Winter was slowly taking root in the Highlands. The air in and outside of the castle was becoming cold. The sea breeze did not help.
"Of course, what do you wish to speak about Lady Edith," I said. She placed her hands in her lap. Her eyes were soft. Something I was not expecting from her at all. Often when she looked at me, if at all. Her eyes were cold and angry.
"I have come here to apologize to ye, I may have misjudged ye," she said. I felt taken aback by her words.Why would she apologize to me? I was the one who destroyed her family. Her brother is dead because of me. She saw my expression.
"Gavin has been telling me about ye, and what had happened to ye before he found ye in that meadow all those months ago," she added. I felt a sob lodge in my throat. Remembering that horrible night. The feelings that rose up inside of me, were feelings I had long thought gone.
"You have every right to be angry at me Lady Edith. My presence here has done nothing but cause your family misery and sorrow," I replied. She sighed and reached out to take my hand.
"I will admit, I was angry at ye, I will not deny it. But my anger was fueled by my grief. But I cannot blame ye for the actions of another. My brother loved his family deeply, and you are his family. Your bairn growing inside of ye is his family. He would have done the same for my husband if he been given a chance," she said. I felt my guilt flare up in my heart. Crushing it in its cruel grip.
"I cannot help but blame myself, he would still be alive if I was not here. Both Gavin and Arran would still have their father. This clan would still have their Laird," I whispered. She sighed, not trying to comfort me from that fact.
"Did Gavin ever tell you how his grandfather died," she asked sadly. I shook my head, Gavin never really spoke about his grandparents. No one really did. She sighed looking around the study. Taking in the books and the fire. As if she had been in this study for her entire life.
"My mother and father raised us here at Wastle Castle when we were all children. This castle was my mother's favorite, and my father wished for nothing else but my mother's happiness. But our childhoods were marred with tragedy and anger. For both my parents had several children, but only myself, Garratt, and Douglas survived. This changed both my mother and father in different ways, my mother put all her effort into raising us. Our father turned cruel and cold. When I was seven and ten, I fell in love with a merchant's son, they had traveled to the castle to sell their goods. Someone my father thought beneath me. He wanted me to the wife of some English noble who resided far away from my family and everyone I knew and loved. When my father found out that we were in love and wished to marry he was furious. He did everything he could to keep my husband and I apart, but it was no use. I was quite stubborn in my youth. But we ran away to a nearby church and married in secret, with only my two brothers as witnesses. In my father's anger, he attempted to get me back. But he was caught in a storm on the way to the chapel which was nearby. He fell off his horse and broke his neck," she said. I felt my heart constrict.I had seen my own mother change from losing so many children, some before they were even born. So I knew what was it like to see your parents change before your eyes.
"I am so sorry, that must have been hard for you. To watch your parents grow apart, and then to fall in love and your father thought the man you were in love with was beneath you," I whispered. She pulled away and waved her hand.
"Do not apologize. My father was a heartless bastard by the time he died. My mother died from a wasting illness just two years before this, her mind and body to tired to handle this life. He grew even more ruthless after that. But like ye, I blamed myself for my father's death. I thought if I was not so stubborn, or if I had tried to reason with him. He would still be alive today. But it was my husband who taught me to forgive myself. He showed me that love can heal many wounds. But only if ye are open with the ones ye love," she said.
"And from that day Douglas vowed that he would never become our father. He fulfilled that oath by protecting ye and your unborn child. He welcomed you into his home,and loved you like a daughter," she added. I still could not understand why she was telling me this. Why she was opening to me, me of all people in this castle.
"Why are you telling me this; Lady Edith," I asked. She reached over again and took my hand. Gently stroking it with her thumb. I knew that many had suffered tragedy in their lives, but Douglas' death had changed something inside of me. The girl my papa knew had long since been gone. I could feel my heart becoming hardened by the tragedies in my life.
"Because I am worried for Gavin, he had noticed your distance Davina. He knows that ye have been sleeping in your old chambers, and will not share his bed. Not since the night ye were brought back to the castle," she replied. I could not bring myself to sleep beside Gavin. Not after that night. I felt as if I was selfish by having Gavin by my child.
"I cannot bring myself to fall asleep in his arms again. The guilt is too much. I do not deserve such happiness. Not after what has happened to his father," I whispered honestly. I had not shared these feelings with anyone. And to think I was sharing them with a woman who was suppose to hate me. Hate me for bringing death to her family.
"My dear child, he is your husband. He does not blame ye for his father's death. He has never done so. All he desires is that ye are happy and safe. He loves ye with such an intensity. Intesnity I have never seen in a man before," she said. I knew she was right. I missed Gavin, and our closeness. I missed being in his arms, and falling to sleep to the sound of his heartbeat.
"I will try Lady Edith. I will try to speak to my husband. To share with him what I have shared with you," I whispered. She squeezed my hand affectionately. Before pulling it away all together.
"That is all I ask. Is that ye try. He is your husband, and the father of your child. After so much tragedy, ye both desere some happiness," she replied. She stood up and smoothed out her skirts.
"I will take my leave now, go to your husband tonight, talk to him," she said. I nodded and watched her leave the study. I moved my eyes to the fire, and tried to think about what I would say Gavin. How I would talk to him.
Later that evening after the evening meal, I was standing in front of our chambers. Anxiety taking over my body. I took a deep breath and opened the door. Gavin was sitting in one of the chairs by the fire. A glass of whiskey in his hand. He looked up when he heard the door open. He met my gaze, a small relieved smile on his lips. I shut the door behind me. Leaning against it for support.
"Gavin, I wish to speak to you," I said. He stood up, placing the glass on the table and walked over to me. I took a breath and placed my hands on his chest. Feeling the tight muscles underneath. He wrapped his arms around my waist. I could not help but sigh, as if some part of me felt whole again. From just being in his arms.
"I need to tell you that I am sorry. That I never meant for your father to be murdered because of me. I have told you this before. But I must tell you again," I whispered. He said nothing, but instead pressed his lips to mine. As soon as our lips met, all the anxiety, all my guilt melted away. It was if he knew that kissing me would ease what I fely inside of myself. He kept me pinned against the door, his body flush against mine. He pulled away and cupped my face, his thumb tracing the outline of my lips.
"Davina Wallace, when will you realize that I love ye. Nothing and no one will change how I feel about ye. I want ye by my side and in my bed. I have missed ye so much. Missed falling asleep with ye in my arms every night. When will ye see that we are two halves of the same soul. That we are stronger together then apart," he whispered. I felt tears well in my eyes. No one had ever said such words to me. I never felt so much unconditional love for someone as I did for Gavin at this moment.
"I love you too Gavin, I just could not bear to be near you. Not when I felt so guilty. But I cannot stay away from you, not anymore," I whispered. He smiled and pulled my face back up to his. His lips were urgent and full of need. My own need had flared up to meet his. He pulled away and led me to our bed. He then slowly began to undress me until I was in only my chemise. He turned me around and pulled me flat against his chest. His lips tracing my neck, and his hands cupping my growing stomach. His touch was only stoking the fire that had been ignited by his touch.
"Ye look even more beautiful now that ye are carrying our bairn inside your belly" he whispered against my neck. Biting softly where my neck met my shoulder. I moaned and pulled him to the bed...
Later, after our breathing steadied and desires for one another were sated. I had my head on his chest. He was caressing my shoulder. I had dreamt of this moment for the last month when I was alone in my bed, staring up at the canopy. It was better than what I had dreamed. I looked up and kissed him.
"Never forget my love for ye Davina," he whispered sternly. He rolled over to hover above me. Skimming his nose against mine. Before we could continue, the door burst open. I looked over and saw Arran running in with a piece of parchment in his hands. His eyes wild from shock and awe.
"Gavin, tis a letter from King James himself," Arran cried. Gavin jumped up from the bed, pulling his trousers back on. I sat up clutching the sheet against my naked body. Gavine took the letter and broke the seal.
"The king has received our letter, and is sending his trusted advisor Lord Nottingham," Gavin said. I remember meeting Lord Nottingham when I attended court for the first time. It was rumored that he influenced the king a great deal. Some claim that they were lovers, though there was no basis for such rumors. I felt a lump form in my throat. He was also very close to my brother.
"He will not side with us Gavin," I whispered. Gavin looked up and met my gaze. Raising his eyebrow, I had seen my brother and Lord Nottingham drinking and gambling many times at court.
"Why not, I know the man well. He is very just and advises good counsel to the king. Especially matters of state and justice," Gavin asked. Arran looked at us both, sensing tension between us. He gave us both a nod and left the room. Giving us some privacy.
"He may be close to the king, but he is also close to my brother," I replied. Also remembering the many times Lord Nottingham traveled to our home to dine with both Theo and my father. Though I was never allowed to attend such dinners.
"He is under the authority of the king, not your brother. I am sure that he will not allow his personal feelings to get in the way of judgment. A judgment that your brother deserves," he replied.
"When will he arrive," I asked. Knowing that Gavin will trust in the law and in the discretion of men. But I was more pessimisic of what may happen once the Lord Nottingham arrives at Castle Wallace.
"We have a month to prepare before his arrival," he replied. I nodded, knowing that Lord Nottingham very well could allow my brother to go free and send our world into free fall. Or he could grant us the freedom to breath with the death of my brother. Only time would tell.