So hello there. I know I let you all know that there won't be anything for a long time, and that is still true, June will be brutal on me so I don't think I will update anything in that month, but here is a new part which might make the waiting sweeter. I also wrote another short story called "The Tribute", maybe you want to check that out while you wait. As always this is a wild mess, but I hope you enjoy it, nevertheless. Let me know what you think and enjoy reading. Cheers!
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The world of racing was celebrating, their Queen had given birth to the heir of the Lauda throne or some bullshit like that, Kelly did not really read what the fans wrote, but she was sure it was something along that line. They always looked at her as if she had put the stars into the heavens. Every word Joanna muttered was holy to them, every gesture a sign from above. It was bizarre and sick. Kelly remembered seeing Joanna for the first time in her home years before the Austrian even got into a kart. She wondered if there had been signs, tried to think back over and over again, but Joanna was ordinary. Nothing about her gave even the slightest hint that she would be as powerful as she was today. For fucks sake, Joanna Lauda was religion by now and they all bowed to her.
It was a brilliant move from Niki Lauda. He knew that no one would pay a girl any mind, that they would laugh into her face and feel generous because they allowed her to drive too. They felt like they were doing her a favour while Joanna slowly but steadily reached for the power. Her father had never believed that a woman could ever have a role like Joanna's in Formula One, so they never bothered to even try, but sometimes Kelly wondered how things would be now if her father would have put his trust in her and not in her brother. If her father for once would have been the cleverer one out of him and Niki Lauda, but he never was.
Niki did not care what gender his children had, as long as they were fast on track. Joanna was the best of the Lauda children, her talent more defined, her looks easier to sell. In the end, despite being only Niki's bastard with some low whore, Joanna got it all. From not even be considered a Lauda in the beginning due to her statues in the family, to the stereotype of Lauda. When the name was called, people thought of her, not of her trueborn brothers, or even her father any longer. She conquered the name she never wanted. Made it hers for the world to see.
Her siblings thought of her as, the little bastard girl, that just took what she wanted without asking for permission. They one that did not listen to her father, that did not obey his every wimp, the one that was more like Niki Lauda than he was himself. She surpassed him, over and over again. Made her father the father of a living legend.
Her father had wanted that too, he wanted to live on beyond his own time, wanted more than his own lifetime was giving him. Nelson Piquet wanted to live on through his children in the way Niki Lauda lived through Joanna and now her child. Just like Jos Verstappen wanted too, but they got the role of the villain, while Niki was the hero of the story. Not that it was like that always, Niki wasn't well liked in the beginning, the rat faced Austrian, but he was driving for Ferrari and winning. Back then that still meant something. He created his own legacy by telling the story himself. Over time changing facts ever so slightly, before these lies became truth. The Lauda family did not always win, but they always told the story.
The Niki and Joanna Lauda had a certain reputation, they were something else. They tend to survive the unsurvivable. The House they lived in was surrounded by myths, it was their seat of power. Kelly wanted to set the Lauda House on fire. Show the world that the Lauda family wasn't untouchable. Joanna might be powerful, but the family had lost a great part of their power as Niki died. Naming Joanna his heir was the only logical move truly to keep as much power as possible, but the family had too many members which were only average, to many which were seeking their own power outside of the family and with Joanna they had a powerful head of the family, but her connection to the other members was weak. So, getting Max to join the family was a masterclass move.
The Dutchman was a rising star, it was just a matter of time for him to become a champion himself and Joanna knew that much. She was aware of the fact that she was with someone who would be able to protect her in a time of need, someone who held power in his own right.
The moment Kelly would try to marry a Formula One champion or champion in the making people would protest and call her a gold digger, no matter if she was richer than the guy or not. It was what people believed to be a power imbalance. A champion in the making and a daughter of someone, because that was all she was. She never had the chance to be more, to be a champion herself. With Joanna it was different, they were on the same level for the public to see, a driver and a driver. A champion in the making and a champion. It was a match. Kelly would never be able to match that.
Joanna Lauda was an insult to every daughter of a former F1 champion or driver. Before her, only the boys were pressured to follow their father's footsteps but then a skinny Austrian with long limbs and sadly enough for Kelly not her father's teeth, came into their world and turned everything upside down. Since Joanna, no one of them was good enough anymore.
"You shouldn't look at that." Junior said, walking up behind his sister to look over her shoulder at her phone only to see what he already knew she would be looking at. The picture of Max Verstappen and Joanna Lauda holding a tiny bundle in their arms, both smiling delighted looking back at him while he knew without looking that his sister was frowning.
"In the end, no matter what, she has the titles, the guy, the house, the money and now also the baby." Kelly muttered. "She wins, every fucking time."
"Don't think too much about it." Her brother told her again, but Kelly leaned back in her seat before reaching for her glass of red wine.
"I hope her child looks like her father." Kelly then mumbled before taking a sip from her wine. She needed something stronger actually, but that would do for now.
"Wow." Junior muttered under his breath which Kelly promptly ignored.
"She might have won for now, but they have no idea what is coming for them. Who is coming for them." Kelly told her brother before looking up to gaze at him. Junior always looked clueless, no wonder Joanna snatched away his seat only to win the championship twice in the car her brother should have been driving. He had been such a fool, a sheep. The Lauda family wasn't the only one where the women were far brighter than the men.
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He should let him sleep. Let him rest in his little bed next to his mother and go home as the nurse had told him hours ago, Max knew, but then it had begun to rain, and he found another excuse to stay.
There was something about November rain in Austria. Something about it felt unreal, as if it came straight from a fairy tale. The clouds weren't as dark and gloomy but a soft light grey, appearing fluffy like a lamb's wool. Lightning zapping through it, big raindrops steadily falling somehow more soundful than the month before, more melodic than the months to follow.
This was Henry's first storm. The first rain drops he ever witnessed, which is why Max couldn't leave him to miss it all, couldn't leave him to sleep the storm away. Not with Joanna deservingly asleep to recover her strength and no one else to show him.
Max had picked him up, made sure the tiny blanket was still wrapped around him for warmth, before gently readjusting him in his arms, so he could lay there, before he stepped over to the window and leaned against the wall there. He knew that Henry won't actually see the rain and think of it as such, but this was still one of many firsts his son would experience and Max knew that he will be absent for a big part of them due to work, all the more reason why he did not wish to miss the opportunity to be there for his first storm. And a mighty storm it was.
Thunderstorm and lightning, screeching wind and loud rain drops. Max expected Henry to fear the natural spectacle, to cower away or cry out at the rumbling thunder, but nothing like that happened. The baby seemed contented, which caused Max to smile. Henry wasn't afraid of the rain, he was born for the wet. Not many have truly mastered that skill, but Max, the proud father he was, believed it to be a sign. Some show their talent earlier, some might even show how promising they are on the very first day of their life.
Smiling at that thought, Max watched Henry resting in his arms more than he ever could watch the storm. The boy made a bird like sound again as lightning raced through the sky, causing Max to lean down so he could rest his forehead against his son's, before brushing his nose over Henry's which caused the boy to reach up and swat his hands against his father's cheek for a moment.
They were bonding, Max thought. Their connection already deeper rooting that the connection he had with his own father, Henry's grandfather.
There had been this lingering fear, that he would turn into his father, not immediately but definitely. That one day, he would turn on his family, like his father turned on them. That he would tear his family apart and gripple his son with expectations so high, he would never be able to fulfil them, Henry would know that, as much as Max did himself, but his son would try to make his father proud no matter what. It was in their nature. Max was afraid he would turn into his father and Henry would love him, nevertheless. That his son would do anything, desperately try to make him proud and if it would kill him, he would never stop until that one ultimate goal is reached. That he would hand down his own role to his son, while taking the one from his father. Another generation of Verstappens grippled by the expectations of their father and their own need to fulfil them no matter the cost.
Max was afraid that one day, he would be the reason for his son's pain, but now looking down at the small bundle of life, he couldn't imagine to not love unconditionally. To not die for him.
Max was so deadly afraid, it had robbed him of sleep for days before Henry was born, but now ... he couldn't recall why he was so scared even as he tried. Henry was perfect, the way he looked up at Max, the beautiful blue eyes, the tiny nose and the fingers which were reaching out for his father, while the boy let out cute sounds, which oddly enough reminded Max of a baby bird. He could have never imagined being so in love with someone, who wasn't Joanna, as he was with his son.
Everything he did was adorable, and Max wanted to make billions of pictures of him, which he would do wouldn't it mean he would have to give the boy out of his hands.
The Dutchman watched with a smile on his lips as Henry seemed to have noticed his tongue for the first time. Pushing it curiously out of his mouth before furrowing his brows and pulling it back inside again, only to reach with his hand into his mouth and make a squealing sound as his fingers touched his tongue, causing Max to snicker quietly. He didn't want to disturb the new born, not when he could watch him for the rest of his life and be absolutely content with never doing anything else.
Henry didn't seem bothered by his father's watchful eyes, even though the boy seemed a lot more content when held by the man instead of one of the nurses. The boy reached out with his hand, getting hold of his foot, while munching on his fist happily.
"I'm sorry." Max suddenly uttered. "You're not even a day old and you already almost lost her. I will take better care of the two of you from now on, I promise."
This time last year, Max was about to lose everything. A time followed which wasn't easy on him. Without Joanna, he had felt the loneliest ever, now he couldn't imagine to ever go back to that. A time without Joanna, a time with Henry, it felt cruel just to think about it.
"You're awake." Max noted, he had turned around to look over at Joanna, who was looking back at him. "Can't you sleep?"
"Not really." Joanna muttered back.
The Dutchman was so in love with their baby, Joanna could see it every moment they spend together. Max barely wanted to hand Henry over to her, not because he didn't trust her, but because he was so in love. Joanna had to tell herself that over and over again. Max was just overly happy, it was great. But there was this little doubt coming up in her, questioning why she wasn't as happy as he was. Maybe she was just tired, she had lost a lot of blood after all and still needed a lot of rest, but what if that wasn't it. What if she was just a terrible mother? What if some women simply weren't designed to become mothers?
"Can I make it better?" Max suddenly asked Joanna, who had zoned out while watching her son, a neutral expression on her face, which had gotten the Dutchman's attention. Joanna was overjoyed as Max had presented their son to him, but since then her smile seem to falter.
He did not have to ask her if she was well, after all the years together, knowing each other inside out, Max knew when Joanna wasn't well, when she was stuck in her own mind or in pain. He was part of this family for long enough to know the signs and seeing her like this set off alarm bells in his head.
"I don't know." Joanna admitted after a moment, showing how far they had come. A few years ago, Joanna wouldn't have let him see her like this, she would have never showed him how damaged and broken she was, but by now Joanna had learned that no matter what Max was the one person, who would always try to help her. It did not matter if they were fighting, or not talking to each other, they would stop even the nastiest fight to make sure the other one was alright.
The Austrian was laying on her side, her hair all over the place, her lips still tainted blue, while a shaky hand reached up to wipe away the tears that have fallen. Joanna didn't even know why she was crying, it was all just a bit much.
"I don't think so." She muttered, while Max moved to rearrange Henry in his arms, so the boy was resting against his chest, so he could move forward and press his forehead against the side of Joanna's head.
"Let me try." He told her softly, before waiting for Joanna to nod which she did after a few moments of sniffling and trying to keep the tears at bay.
All the Dutchman did was smile softly at her, before pressing a kiss against the tip of Joanna's nose, before he rounded the bed and climbed into it, sitting behind Joanna, before gently moving Henry to lay in his arms again. Joanna watched for a moment until Max was settled and lifted one arm as an invitation to his fiancée. Without hesitation Joanna rested her head on Max's chest, so she could look at Henry, while her arm rested on top of Max's while she cried quietly into his shirt.
"It will be better soon, give yourself some time." Max muttered after Joanna's cries have subsided and she had moved her hand so Henry could hold onto her finger.
"You make everything better, always." Joanna uttered.
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"What do you say, Joanna? Wanna try again?" The kind nurse asked after she checked Henry over, making sure everything was alright, which Max watched from next to the nurse with careful eyes, while Joanna had been seated in one of the comfortable chairs why the window, looking outside.
The storm had ended, the sky cleared. Not a single cloud remained while the sun was shining and the birds were singing in the trees. It was a beautiful day and Joanna felt awful.
Biting the inside of her cheek, she turned her head to look over at Henry laying on the changing table while the nurse checked him and Max watched like a haw, protective over his son.
"I don't know." The Austrian said. "Maybe we should give him another bottle, until I'm better at the whole nursing thing." She spoke which caused the nurse to give her a sympathising look. Nursing a new born was hard despite looking so easy. Joanna had learned that in the first hours of Henry's life in which she was trying and trying but only failed. By the time Joanna was ready to cry with her son, the nurse asked why they don't try a bottle for now and see about the whole nursing stuff tomorrow.
Joanna was ashamed of it, but she was glad as the nurse took a crying Henry from her arms and handed him to Max where he instantly settled down which caused his mother to exhale, a lump forming in her throat. Sometimes, even in the few hours Henry was alive, Joanna felt like he didn't like her all that much. At least he was overly comfortable with Max. Max had been giving Henry the bottle under the watchful glance of the nurse this time around and apparently he was a natural at whatever he was doing and if it was giving a baby the bottle, then he was brilliant at that too.
"Don't you want to nurse him anymore?" Max asked from next to the nurse and Joanna told herself that he was just concerned about her change of mind and that he genuinely wondered, but something inside her brain told her, he was judging her. A mother, that couldn't even nurse her baby.
"I don't want him to be hungry because I can't give him what he needs." Joanna spoke, all eyes in the room on her, all but Henry's who was holding onto his father's finger tightly while moving his feet up and bracing them against Max's hand.
"You can." The nurse said, the moment Joanna had spoken the sentence. Reassuring and calm. "Your baby was really well cared for in your belly. Many mothers have problems with breastfeeding in the beginning, which is why babies are born fat, so that they don't starve right away while their mommies still try to figure out what to do. Nature did this on a purpose. We don't need a bottle."
"We will try it together and I will be here to help you." The nurse said, before looking back at Henry to make sure Max was looking out for the baby, so he would fall from the changing table, before stepping over to Joanna and squeezing her shoulder.
"Wanna try it?" She asked again, which caused the Austrian to nod, despite tasting blood in her mouth after biting open the inside of her cheek. She was a mother now and she would manage the most basic thing ever. She would nurse her baby.
Smiling down at Joanna the nurse got the nursing pillow from the bed, before draping it over Joanna's lap and one shoulder, before helping her gently to open the hospital gown before gesturing for Max to being Henry over. Carefully the baby was settled on the nursing pillow and in the arms of his mother, before Joanna looked at the nurse seeking her help, which caused the old nurse to smile kindly. She gave Joanna instructions patiently and smilingly while the Austrian scrabbled to follow. But despite following the nurse's instructions correctly and causing Henry to latch on, he wasn't drinking, which frustrated the young mother with every moment that passed.
"Maybe a bottle..." Joanna spoke unsure, looking down at her son that was looking up at her, but not drinking, even though Joanna thought he must be starved.
"You almost got it." The nurse encouraged while Max stepped over now too. Moving behind the chair Joanna was sitting in, only to reach out and touch her naked shoulder gently, before pressing a kiss to the crown of her head.
"Don't strain yourself, we can give him a bottle now and see how it's going later. It's not like he won't be hungry in an hour again." Max said causing Joanna to nod. He was right. They didn't have to figure it out right now, they had plenty of time.
Max said some more, talked about how they would figure it out and that Henry would grow big and strong and before they knew it, he would run around the house.
"You're thinking too much." The nurse suddenly said, which caused Joanna and Max both to look at her surprised, before looking at Henry after the nurse gestured to the now nursing baby.
"He's nursing." Joanna said in wonder. "Max, he's nursing."
They had tried again and again, and she felt awful every time, but now that she did not try at all, now that the decision to give him a bottle was already made and the pressure of nursing him was taken from her shoulders, it worked.
Joanna reached out and gently brushed her ring finger against Henry's cheek while watching proudly. She was about to do it again, but the nurse told her not to disturb the boy too much while he was nursing, causing her to lower her and while Max pressed another kiss against the crown of her head.
"Proud of you." He muttered which caused Joanna to wonder with whom he was speaking, her or their son.
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"If you are here, who is guarding the door of the Lauda House?" Max asked as he stepped back into the room, causing Adrian to turn around to face the younger man, before offering his greetings and congratulations also to the father of the child.
"Emma is guarding the door quite fierce." Adrian replied which caused Max to raise an eyebrow amused. "You know, if we would have keys to the house, nobody would have to guard the doors."
"There is only one key to the Lauda House and in the possession of the housekeeper since centuries." Adrian told Max a bit appalled. His family was serving the people living in the Lauda House since generations. He got that key from his father and so god will, he will hand it down to his son one day to care for the Lauda family for another generation.
"Adrian, he's just joking." Joanna said from the seat by the window, Henry sleeping soundly in her arms.
"Well, as I told Miss Lauda before we got interrupted." The old Austrian began to speak before giving Max a side eye, who moved past him to sit on the armrest of the nursing chair by Joanna's side.
"Is he getting sassy with me?" Max asked Joanna, who just laughed quietly while shaking her head at the two men's behaviour.
"Patrick has finalised the planting." Adrian spoke, ignoring Max's comment. "The planning of the welcoming home party is in full swing. We just require the guest list from you. Oh, and Emma wanted me to express how excited they are to meet the little Mister ... Verstappen." Adrian wasn't amused by hearing that Joanna had decided that their children would carry their father's name, but it's not like he could openly express it despite wanting to lecture Joanna on tradition and how important it was to carry on her family's legacy. He would remain silent. He knew Joanna wouldn't appreciate his involvement in that matter.
"Thank you, Adrian." Joanna told him honestly. "We can't wait to come home. I will make sure you will get the guest list before tomorrow." With that promised, Adrian stepped over to look at the sleeping Henry once more, before saying his goodbye.
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Winding her arms around her upper body, Joanna knew that there was no reason to be awake at this hour of the day. Not when Max was right next to her, sleeping in their bed and with Henrik fast asleep in his crip as well. The baby phone carefully monitoring their son, ready to alert the first time parents the very moment their son sets to let out a wail for them.
It was the first week at home and Joanna tried her best to get settled but since they have left the hospital something changed, and she couldn't put her finger on what it was. The first night in the Lauda House since her whole world had changed, had been hell. Nothing major happened, actually it was a quiet night, with Henry settled for the larger part and Max assisting her, alternating who of them would get up to get Henry and bring him to bed so Joanna could nurse him in Max's case or nurse him in his nursery in Joanna's case.
Nothing had been wrong, but everything felt off. They simply had to get used to each other, but that seemed harder with every moment Joanna watched Max being an absolute natural at being a father. He always seemed to sense what Henry needed or wanted while all Joanna could do was guess. Logically, she knew she needed to give herself some more time, but Max didn't seem to need that and despite being happy that at least one of them understood their son and knew how to handle him, she was jealous that it was Max and not her.
Some women are simply not made to be mothers. Maybe she should have gone with her fun aunt potential.
Joanna wasn't well, she understood that as they arrived home.
"This is your home, Henry. Our home." Joanna had mumbled against the top of Henry's head after pressing a gentle kiss to his temple. "The safest place on earth for a Lauda. A place where you can be yourself and don't have to be afraid of anything, ever. It's our safe heaven. Even though you are a Verstappen." She had added, before looking down at the boy, who had looked up upon hearing his mother's voice.
With a gentle smile on her lips Joanna had went inside, leaving the men to follow her in due time. The introduction to the other people living in the house like David, Emma and Patrick was brief, but long enough for all of them to fuss over Henry before fatigue got Joanna again. She wasn't fit again just yet, the tiredness in her bones was still heavy which is why she went to rest, while Max took it upon himself to take Henry and show him the house with Adrian and then the garden with Patrick. All Joanna could do was smile mildly, while Emma fussed over her worriedly as the younger Austrian had helped her up the stairs. She must have seen the expression on Joanna's face, causing her to lean closely before telling Joanna that Henry was in good hands.
Joanna thanked her shortly for her calming words. The Austrian couldn't help but smile at the ironic. A scene like this must have happened quiet often in this house already. A tired mother being led upstairs by a maid while the excited father, who had finally an heir wouldn't stop gushing over the boy, excitingly showing him around. Other than most of these woman Joanna wasn't worried that Max would take their son from her, she was just not very happy about him showing Henry the Lauda House. It was her ancestor home after all. But it was Max's home too. He had every right to show Henry around.
Being a first-time mother, Joanna had gotten more advice texts than ever before in her whole life and sleep while your child is asleep was the most prominent one. Still, Joanna couldn't. Her mind wasn't at ease since the boy was born, actually since she knew she was pregnant.
There was this pressure on her heart, that made breathing difficult whenever the last time she had checked in on Henry was longer than at most two hours ago. Logically, Joanna knew that nothing would happen to her baby, that he will be fine, no matter if she's going to run to check on him when he's with his father while she had fallen asleep as fatigue took over. Or got carried away a little bit answering congratulating texts but something deep inside let her feel the dread in the air.
That's also the reason why she was awake now. When Henry didn't cry out for her nearly the whole night, Joanna panicked. The urge to get up and see if her baby was alright was overpowering, nevertheless, Joanna forced herself to stay in bed, starring at the ceiling while envying Max for how peaceful he slept right next to her. While waves of heat and cold rolled over her and single beads of sweat formed on her milky white skin.
The worry and fear were only one side of the coin though. There was also the other one, by far uglier. Yesterday as Joanna was bathing Henry and Max was getting a fluffy towel, she thought of letting go of the boy, letting him sink in the basin of the sink and just watch as water covered his little head. It was a single moment, just one wrong thought worming itself into her brain and she did not act on it, but she wondered if she did not because Max was back with the towel and pulled her from these thoughts, or because she truly would never harm Henry, her own flesh and blood, her son. Maybe she was dangerous and would harm him if left alone with him for too long. Maybe she was a monster and they just weren't aware of it yet.
She had thought about opening the window, Henry in her arms and just letting go of him. Another time, while she was out walking with him in the garden and her breath was visible, she thought about returning, just without the boy. She had thought about letting her child to freeze in the forest. Joanna knew something was seriously wrong with her, she was afraid that one day, it would not only be a thought. She feared that one day her thoughts would be followed by actions.
Annoyed with herself and her disability to just relax for a moment, of just allowing herself to get the sleep she needed so badly to regain her strength and become more herself again, Joanna threw the blanket back, before sitting up and swinging her legs over the edge of the bed, which caused Max to move in his sleep. He slept on his side, facing away from the mother of his son, but as he felt the movement in the bed, he unconsciously reached out to touch Joanna, causing her to settle her hand over his stretched out one, until Max seemed to return to a peaceful rest.
Joanna wasn't allowing herself to wake Max, not at night just because she was panicking without a reason, not when he was the one, who had to get up and do work related stuff and plan with Adrian for the party and all Joanna had to do was taking care of their son. That's also the reason why Joanna wouldn't let Max get up at night anymore after the first one. She was Henry's mother after all. It was her duty to care for and look after the child. It was her job to protect him.
Carefully lifting her hand, Joanna waited to see if Max would steer again, but the Dutchman didn't move again, which caused Joanna to reach out to get one of Max's old dress shirts which Joanna always uses to pull over her shoulders, when Henry woke up in the night and cried to get his mother's attention.
Leaving their bedroom, she closed the door quietly behind herself, before Joanna walked down the corridor. Stilling in front of Henry's nursery, her hand on the door buckle, she just wanted to peek inside really quick, but in the end, she didn't. Joanna didn't want to give in to her irrational fear and disturb her peacefully sleeping son for no reason, but as she heard a low whine, Joanna threw all her worries away and went inside.
Not switching the light on, Joanna didn't want to disturb Henry further, but she also didn't need any light to find the crib her child was resting in. The whine had turned into a soft bubbling sound as if Henry had sensed his mother's presence which made him save his energy and rather look at his mother with his clear blue eyes, which he had inherited from his father.
The boy had a tight hold of the leg of his romper suit while he extended his other short arm towards his mommy, his eyes watching his mother's every move carefully.
„Oh, it's alright, my darling. I'm here. No need to worry. Mommy's here." Joanna muttered tenderly.
Smiling softly, Joanna leaned down to gently work her lower arms under the infant, before lifting him up only to lay him against her body, his head resting against her shoulder while she held his soft head gently cradled in her hand.
"Are you hungry, is that it, hm?" Joanna shared the clue she had with her son, while carrying the little infant over to the window where the rocking chair was standing from earlier today. Max had sat in the chair with Henry in his arms while Joanna sat on the fluffy carpet and folded Henry's freshly washed cloths even though Emma had told her over and over again that she would do the task if Joanna would only let her, but the Austrian already felt useless enough as it was as Henry's mother, giving up even more tasks wasn't what she would do.
Joanna picked the nursing pillow up while holding Henry close to her with her other arm, her body leaned back a little bit to let the boy rest against her body more comfortably. Sitting down, the Austrian made sure the pillow was nicely resting under her son's body, before lifting her shirt, so he could latch on, but instead of doing so, the baby simply looked at her with big eyes, causing Joanna to pull her shirt back down, before glancing at the baby, one eyebrow raised.
Seemed like she really had no clue what the baby needed or wanted. Henry wasn't even doing much, not reacting much, simply looking up at his mother with this adorable expression but although it usually brought his mother at least a mild smile, this time it brought tears of despair. Leaning forward, Joanna gently rested her forehead against his, while quiet tears were running down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry I'm already messing this up so much." Joanna muttered, before lifting her head and starring out of the window. "I don't know what to do." She added, before a thought bloomed in her mind.
Reaching out, Joanna took her phone which was laying on the little table next to the rocking chair, in between a few books, some toys and some wipes. There was only one person she knew who would tell her the truth unapologizingly, who would not stop and withhold the truth just because it will hurt her feelings.
The phone was ringing and ringing, but Joanna had not excepted him to take the call on the first ring, she knew it was the middle of the night and that he most likely won't answer, but she had to try, something deep inside her told her, that not calling him now would be a mistake, that it would cause her to make a mistake for which she would never be able to forgive herself.
"You do realise that it's the middle of the night? Normally, when people call around this time, they're either in hospital or in jail so what is it? And why do you bother me with it?" The gruff Australian voice was to be heard on the other end of the line and all Joanna could do in her endless despair was looking down at Henry before admitting for the first time out loud what she dared not to let anyone see, too afraid of the consequences.
"I don't think I can be a mother." She admitted, while looking down at Henry, her phone pressed tightly against her ear, before she bend down a bit and pressed a feathery kiss against the boy's brow, as if that would change anything. As if that would make him forget that his mother did not want him. Well, that was not true, she did want him, she just thought she would harm him more if she was there.
That was not what she had intended to say in the first place. Joanna wished she would have started with something witty or funny. With something that would enrage Mark so much, he would have something to say to her, but now, with this confession, she had stunned the man into silence for a long moment, before she could hear him exhale slowly and tiredly.
"I'm not... Joanna, I'm not the right person to talk about this with, I don't think... I can't help you. Where is Max, can't you tell him and..." Mark started to talk, but Joanna was fast to speak over him, the mere thought of letting Max know was terrifying and to an extent embarrassing.
"No." Joanna said, before adding with a shaky voice. "I ... I have to go."
"Don't you dare hang up on me now. I ..." Mark paused for a moment, before rushing was heard, most likely his blanket, before he exhaled once more, still annoyed but if possible a bit softer. "Wait a moment, okay. Just a moment. Stay on the phone."
And Joanna did stay on the phone, her eyes on Henry, who had been watching his mother the whole time with watchful and intelligent eyes as usual. He had Max's eyes, even though the Dutchman claimed that the boy had gotten his eyes from his mother. Joanna saw Max when she looked at Henry, causing her to wonder how she could ever have a harmful thought towards the boy. He was perfect, he was Max.
"You're still there?" The question came after a long moment of silence which caused Joanna to nod at first before she realised that the Australian couldn't see her, before breathing a shaky 'yeah'.
"So, what's the matter? What seems to be the problem?" Mark asked kinder than he has ever spoken to Joanna, but the question coming from his mouth was so surreal already, all the Austrian wanted to do was snort and laugh, but her breath got stuck in her throat.
"I ... I don't know him. What he needs, I have no idea most of the time... I just. I can't."
"Duh, you know him for how long? A week, of course you don't know that bloke." Mark said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, as if it was neutral to not know their own child, as if it wasn't making her a terrible mother to be uncertain what his cries meant just yet, as if it was okay to look at the boy with discomfort sometimes.
"I think I will hurt him. I have these terrible thoughts." Joanna muttered, quietly, afraid of actually admitting her harming thoughts. Fearing that speaking about it will make it real, that it will cause her thoughts to morph into actions.
"After my wife had her son, she went through a postnatal depression too. She was ashamed of feeling like she wasn't made for being a mother."
"I'm not depressed. I just... it's harder than I thought." The Austrian tied to defend herself but Mark wasn't having it.
"Ah really. What terrible thoughts were you having? Because at her worst, my wife wanted to through her son out of the window because he wouldn't stop crying." He told her, even though he had promised his wife to never mention it to another living soul, but telling Joanna might make her realise that she was caught in that net too, that she was suffering from a postnatal depression and most likely even a thought other conditions which were all playing together right now and causing the mess in her head.
"I thought about walking into the woods with him and leaving him there to freeze." Joanna cried, her head leaned against Henry's forehead again, barely understandable for Mark, but he did.
"Talk to Max about it." The older one advised her. "Maybe don't tell him that you're thinking about killing his son as a conversation starter but tell him about your fears. Be open and let him know about what's going on."
"What if he realises I'm dangerous and wants to take Henry from me?" Henry, huh? That's the boy's name. For a brief second, he wondered what their son would be called. Not Henry for sure.
"That stupid bastard loves you more than anything. He won't give up on you." Mark told her honestly. Max was too in love to see what was good for him, but he was also too clever to not notice that something was wrong with Joanna, and he surely would be clever enough to protect his son if it ever would come to this. He would have to warn him though, should Joanna not get better soon.
Mark was about to say something else, as a tiny sound was heard, at first Mark wasn't sure what it was until he realised that Joanna must be holding the baby in her arms while talking to him. Swallowing once, Mark told her to call him again if he needed, before noting that someone else seemed to want her attention now. With that he ended the call and Joanna put the phone away, brushed her flat hand over her wet cheeks to get rid of the tears and looked Henry over. Seemed like he was hungry now after all.
Pulling her shirt up once more, she allowed the boy to latch on, before he started to nurse steadily. Making sure both of them were comfortable Joanna let the tip of her ring finger brush over Henry's cheek, even though she knew that she shouldn't distract Henry when he was nursing, Sophie and Victoria made sure to tell her that repeatedly over video calls. Joanna wondered why Max tortured her with these. He seemed to ask his mother about everything rather than asking her, but she guessed it was normal to ask for their own parent's assistance.
Gazing into Henrik's big blue eyes, Joanna still had this dreadful feeling. It was too good to be the truth. Henrik was a healthy and contend baby, but his mother knew that things could turn on them very fast. She was getting too comfortable, and the universe would smack her for it. Joanna still wasn't believing that this was her life, the threat that someone could come and take their baby was still so present in her mind. Every time she closed her eyes, Joanna was afraid that when she opened them again, she won't be Henrik's mother any longer. It confused her that she had these harmful thoughts at the same time. Maybe to speed the process up, so it would be her who would choose when it all would be over. So, she would have control over at least a tiny part of all of this.
Maybe Max needed to know. He would think of her as crazy. Maybe she was crazy and dangerous.
Henrik seemed to have sensed his mother's disturbing thoughts, which caused him to reach out to take hold of her ring finger, which was stoking over the baby's cheek. He watched Joanna closely, his piercing blue eyes were directed on her face, causing Joanna to smile sadly down at him.
He was the single best thing that ever happened to Max and her, she knew that and would keep it in her heart for ever, because one day dark clouds will gather and even if everything will be taken away from Joanna, she will forever have the memories of this moment. The first-time mother would forever remember how interested Henry looked at her, when she held him in her arms and gently cuddled him to make him feel safe, to make him feel secure and loved in a way only a mother could.
Giving Henry a painful smile as he stopped nursing, Joanna pulled her shirt down again, before lifting Henry so he was resting against her upper body, rocking him softly, the Austrian let her hand gently stroke her son's back.
"It's alright. Mommy had trouble sleeping as well." The Austrian muttered gently.
Joanna knew what she had in her little family, and she was painfully aware what she will lose. Maybe it's the best, really. Max is a great father, he will always be there for Henrik, no matter what, but Joanna, doesn't she damage the boy more than anything?
Leaning her cheek against Henry, Joanna allowed herself to let out a shaky breath. Until after she had stopped nursing him. That's how long she will stay. Max read all the pregnancy guides and Joanna was sure that one of them said that it was good for the children if they were breastfed. So that's what she did. Her son's needs will always come first.
Joanna was so deeply in her own thoughts, that she hadn't heard the door open, she only realised that Henry and she weren't the only one's present as Max spoke up.
"You're okay? You've been in here for quite a while now." He said, causing Joanna to look over at him for a moment, before focusing on Henry again. After nursing was completely done, Joanna didn't feel ready just yet to put Henry back down again, so she cuddled him against her chest, sitting back down in the rocking chair.
"We're fine. You can go back to bed." The Austrian answered dismissively, not even looking up again to see Max leaning in the door frame, his hair wild from sleeping, his sweatpants hanging low on his hipbone and his shirt looked a little bit too tight. Only to demonstrate Max that she was very capable of taking care of their child. It was a mother's job after all to care for and look after their child.
Sadly enough, Max didn't take it that way. He felt like Joanna didn't trust him with their son suddenly anymore. The Austrian never left them alone or allowed Max to take over any task. In the beginning Max thought that she was afraid to be separated from Henry, but by now, he just felt like an outsider. He wondered when the last time was that Joanna really looked at him, she seemed so terrible far away, but Max didn't know what to do. How to reach her.
Victoria had told him, as he called her in the middle of the night crying over the strange mood and situation that giving birth can take a tool on a woman psychology even weeks or months after the birth and that Joanna would get it together again in a few weeks, but by now, he wasn't so sure about that anymore. Not with all the time he soon will spent away from his family due to his job and the damage which was already done.
"You would tell me, right? If something was wrong, you would say it." Max muttered which caused Joanna to look up from their son, only to look at Max, who still hovered close to the door and didn't come over to them. Joanna glanced over at the baby monitor, only one half of the set in the room, causing her to wonder if Max had heard her conversation with Mark. If he had heard her confession.
"Henry is fine. Just needed some snuggles after nursing." The Austrian explained softly, causing Max to nod, but something lay in his eyes which made Joanna uncomfortable.
"I'm not talking about our son." The Dutchman said, before he came over to them. Joanna wasn't sure what he was talking about. Well, she wasn't sure if he was aware of what actually was going on, she hoped he had no clue. Joanna didn't want Max to worry. Was a happy family truly too much to ask for?
Looking down at her son, as Max stopped right in front of them with his hands slightly reached out to take Henrik from Joanna, she wanted to deny him to take the boy, but she knew that Max would never forgive her should she hold onto Henry when he simply wanted to hold the baby. He was Max's son after all.
"Our guests will arrive tomorrow. We should go to bed. Sleep a little bit more." Joanna muttered and Max was already about to lower his arms again, but Joanna lifted Henry a little bit, so it would be easier for his father to take him.
Allowing Max to lift Henry into his arms, Joanna stood up, only to hover next to Max, who was gently padding their son's back, while Henry seemed to notice that it wasn't his mother, who was holding him any longer, pulling a little whine from his throat, which made Joanna's fingers itch.
She wanted him back. She didn't care that Max was holding him, the only other human being she trusted with their son. Henry had whined, which was a call for his mother, but he stopped his calls as soon as he realised that his daddy was holding him, which twisted something in Joanna's stomach. She guessed it was guilt.
Henry was safe with Max. He would never take the little boy from her. The fear was totally irrationally. Max was and will always be on her side, Joanna felt like she had forgotten that somewhere along the way.
Brushing her hand gently over Max's upper arm, Joanna left for the door. It was a sign of trust. She trusted Max. Deep down she did but being away from Henry was still the worst feeling she ever had. In the corridor she lingered near the door, her throat was closing off and every fibre in her body told her to go back inside and watch over Henry, but in that moment, Max came from the nursery, only to stop surprised upon seeing Joanna hovering close the door in the corridor.
"Do you want to go and check if I put him down correctly?" Max asked mockingly, but there was hurt in his voice.
"To be honest, a part of me wants to, yes." Joanna admitted even though she did trust him, and she did want to trust that Henry was safe, deep down she knew he was safe, but a part of her wanted to go and see for herself. She wanted to be sure. Max huffed in annoyance, rolling his eyes, before walking past Joanna towards their bedroom.
"If you can't help it. I thought you trusted me more." Max called over his shoulder, causing Joanna to close her eyes, before bawling her hands to fists.
"You think this is about trust? I trust you more than anyone else on this planet." She yelled back, the emotions she had denied Max to see for long finally boiling over, which caused Max to stop, before he turned around and came back.
"Then what is it?" He wanted to know as he looked down at Joanna, who gave him a mournful look and he knew right away, what it was which was taking Joanna from him. It wasn't that she didn't trust him, she still was full of grief.
"I'm afraid, okay?" Joanna told him, before slinging her arms around her torso. "I'm deadly afraid that the universe will turn on me again. Will say 'Joke's on you J, you don't get to be happy.' and take him from us. I check on him to make sure he's still there, not because I don't trust you, but because I don't trust this world." She explained, the tears freely flowing down her cheeks, which caused Max to pull her into his arms.
"Oh, J." He muttered into her ear, as he held onto her tightly, his eyes closed and after a moment Joanna relaxed enough to reach out and fist Max's shirt in her delicate fists, closing her eyes as well. They never spoke about the child they've lost, but Joanna couldn't stop thinking what it would be like to have two little humans running around their house. She couldn't stop herself from wondering if he would like his little brother. If he would be as proud as Max was of Henry.
"Tell me how to be in this world? Tell me how to be his mother without this dreadful fear looming over my head all the time? I was okay as I had nothing to lose, but now I have Henry and you. I'm afraid that something will happen." Joanna admitted, which caused Max to give her a look so full of love and sympathy, she wanted to cry.
"I'm afraid that I will hurt him." The Dutchman put his hands gently on the sides of her head, before leaning forward and kissing her forehead. Not trying to think about the fact that this was the closest they were since Henry was born and they left the hospital a good week ago.
"Nothing will happen. Not to you and definitely not to our son, do you hear me. I won't allow it." Max told Joanna sternly before lifting her up and carrying her to their bedroom.