October 23rd
"Kai—Kai, listen. I lied—"
"No shit, Sherlock." I chuckled lightly as I walked through my house and toward the stairs.
"No! Can you stop walking! You walk really fast!"
I glanced back at her as I stepped up onto the stairs. "I'm trying to not talk to you right now, Celestia. That's the whole point of the fast walking thing."
She let out a quick breath as she chased me up the stairs.
"Can you at least listen to me? This is not how relationships work!"
"What fucking relationship, Celestia?! I fucked you and that's it! You lied, about somebody I willingly let around you, hurting you! There is no relationship!" I sighed as I watched her face fall, her sunlit brown eyes sinking behind a dark curtain.
"I just...wanted to tell you that I lied because I didn't want to hurt you. At least not then. It really would've sucked if I had ruined your event because I told you something knowing you wouldn't be able to control your emotions, and it really sucks that you found out and it wasn't because I told you, and it really really really sucks that you would say something like that."
My lips parted as I stared down at her. She hadn't moved, hadn't even taken her eyes away from mine and for some reason, that hurt worse than if she was avoiding me entirely.
"I didn't mean it. I promise I didn't fucking mean it... I don't know why I said that. I'm sorry. I get why you lied—I knew you were lying in the first place. I...don't have the right to be mad at you."
I stepped toward her, her body jerking back as if it was almost instinct. "I'm supposed to protect you ya know. You trusted me to do that and I haven't protected you not once. You've probably been hurt more since you've known me than you had ever been before."
Her eyes softened for a moment as she looked up at me. She took a cautious step forward, her foot placed on the ball of her foot.
"I should've pressed you for an answer because I swear to you, Celestia, no event will ever be more important than you being safe. Ok? Don't lie to me if it's sacrificing your peace and your safety, especially if it's something I can control or change."
She placed her foot flat on the ground as she took the remaining steps toward me. I felt my stomach cave in and my chest relax as she wrapped her arms around my torso, her head laying firmly against my chest.
"I won't lie and you won't ever say anything like that to me ever again unless that's actually how you feel, yea?"
I hummed as I rested my chin on the top of her head, my arms nestling her against my body.
"Words, Kai. Otherwise you don't mean it." She murmured, her voice timid as she held me tighter.
"I won't ever speak again unless it's to tell you how beautiful you are."
Her shoulders relaxed as she chuckled lightly. "That's not what I said was a part of the deal."
She leaned her head back to look up at me, a soft and almost whimsical expression rested across her features as I looked down at her.
"Yea but It's better isn't it?"
She didn't respond but her eyes smiled at me lightly and squeezed a little too tightly on my heart. "I'm sorry, Moon. I'm really sorry. It's like day one and I've already fucked up."
"Day one of what?" She teased, her nose scrunching up as she held back her laugh.
I rolled my eyes as I tilted my head back, letting out an extended sigh. "Of you being my...girlfriend."
I squinted one eye shut as I glanced down at her, a mischievously dissatisfied look spread across her face. "I don't remember agreeing to being your girlfriend—matter of fact—I don't remember you asking."
I groaned lowly as I leaned over in her arms, the tip of my nose touching hers. "I'll ask, I promise. You just won't know when."
"Why not right now?" She spoke lowly, her eyes full and filled with stars.
I hummed softly as I brushed my nose across hers, her eyes fluttering shut for a moment. "Because you'll know...and I just said something really fucked up to you and I don't think I deserve to have you as my girlfriend right now."
She hummed as she nodded, a laugh holding on her tongue as she smiled. I nodded with her as her smile grew.
"Yea, I guess you're right. I guess."
My eyes lowered as I continued to stare at her. I say and do a lot of fucked up shit but I never wanted to say something like that to her. I don't care what she did, I'd get over it, and after us almost not being 'friends' anymore because she believed I didn't really want her, that wasn't the best thing to say—angry or not.
So instead of getting angry at her for her partially justified response, I can get blisteringly angry with the person who caused all of this in the first place.
Jax.
...
"So...you didn't mean to and your thoughts and actions have zero reflection on what you said, but you said it anyway?"
I nodded as I glanced down at the fully-pinked out blonde next to me. "It was my...natural response I guess. I don't fucking know. I just said it and I will kill myself the next time I make her look at me like that again." I sighed as my stomach dropped at the memory of her face flashing through my mind.
"Yea well, me personally, I would've left."
I shut my eyes as I leaned my head back against the wall. "I know. I'm surprised she's still here to be honest."
"Yea well she's not like us Kai. We run away at the first sight of affection, but I guess she's too special to run away from and even we notice that."
"Ok, let's go."
I opened my eyes as I leaned from the wall and took Celestias cold hand in mine. "What were you guys talking about?"
I glanced down at her big and curious eyes as we walked down the strip. "Nothing important enough to remember."
She stared at me for a little longer before glancing back at Aurua, but I guess she gestured the same thing I said and turned back around.
"What are we here for? It's really fucking cold, Moon."
She smiled up at me, her cute dimples happily popping out from her cheeks. "I just wanted to look at the trees."
"What...the trees? I have trees in my backyard. We couldn't looked out the fucking window, Moon."
"No but the trees are bigger out here and the leaves fall differently. It's like a movie or something."
"A really cold fucking movie."
...
I watched Celestia as she rubbed lotion down her arms, her own eyes entranced by the sight of her hand gliding across her skin.
I never knew how relaxing it was to watch someone put on lotion or to simply just take care of their skin. Or maybe it's only relaxing when she does it, she just makes everything better.
I watched as she switched arms, the sound of her skin rubbing against her palms threatening my body with sleep.
But I was a little less tired when I saw the marks ringed around her arm, her hand becoming lighter as she only gently applied lotion over top of it. The thought of that hurting her is setting me off a little bit and I don't know what to do.
She's going to be upset if I get angry and hurt Jax, and it'll prove that she had at least a partially right to lie because I did exactly what she was afraid of. If I don't do anything, I feel like I failed even more at protecting her. I mean either way, it already happened. I already wasn't there to protect her.
"Kai?"
My eyes widened as I noticed Moonie staring at me, a nervous look in her eyes and her body frozen. "Are you ok?" She murmured as she stood up from the bench and walked toward the foot of the bed.
I opened my arms as she crawled from the foot of the bed on top of me. "Yea, I'm ok." I kissed the side of her face as she laid her head on my chest. "You smell good."
"Thank you." She spoke quietly, her hands stiffly resting underneath me and palming my back. "I love you." She spoke sweetly, her damp hair draping across my bare chest.
Maybe if I just hold her a bit tighter I can wash it all away. Take it away from her and carry it around for as long as she lives. Take away her pain and my guilt.
Or maybe if I just hold her a little tighter...
"I love you too, Moon."