October 22nd
Please don't be like last time. Please don't be...
My heart is fucking pounding.
I panted as I slowed toward the back of the saturated group of people watching whatever I couldn't see. My arms scooped through the crowd as I tried to breathe. Fuck I think I'm going to die.
"Celestia!" I called out as I pushed toward the front of the crowd, Aurua swearing behind me.
I let out a soft breath as I saw her, her body drooping between the floor and the wall, her fingers hovering over her shaking lips.
Not a single person going to help her, all just watching.
Her head spun toward me, her eyes shaken with fear. "...Kai?"
I felt my body go limp as the fear left my body, her voice enough for my mind to no longer run on fumes from the past. I slid to my knees in front of her, my hands reached for her as they tingled for the verification that she was really ok; that she was actually here.
"Fuck, what happened? Are you ok?" My voice came out whinier than I'd like to admit as my fingers wrapped around her goosebump-ridden skin. "What happened, baby?"
I stared up at her as her lips fell apart. Her neck flexed as if she was trying to find anything to say; something that would soothe me. She wasn't looking for the truth or she would've told me by now.
"I...I fell."
I pressed my lips together as my body softened the same way my eyes did.
"...how'd you fall, Moonie?" I questioned, hoping she could see that I didn't believe her. My eyes wandered away from hers and down to the large rip in her dress that went halfway up her calf. She couldn't have fallen and ripped her dress like that. "You ripped your dress. How'd you fall and rip your dress?"
Please...tell me the truth, Moon.
"I...I'm sorry, I was being clumsy. I don't know what happened." She cleared her throat as she tried to get rid of the cracks in her words. "I know it was an expensive..." Her eyes flickered between mine as her words faded into the air. She gave up.
I wanted to ask her why she was lying to me; why she thought she needed to. But I couldn't. She's been through too much in too short of a time so...if she needs to lie to me, I'll let her.
"C'mon, Cel. Let's get off the ground."
My fingers fell from her arms as Aurua lifted her from the ground and away from me. I felt my fist begin to ball up as my mind began to go blank.
That powerless feeling...I felt it when I found Celestia with her mother...I felt it when I...
"Kai, you should go make your speech. I'll help her, she's ok with me."
She's not safe with anybody. Not even me. I let her walk off because I was comfortable. I didn't think something would happen to her in the fucking bathroom. But then again, nothing is supposed to happen when you see your parents either. You're not supposed to go home and be afraid and you're not supposed to walk to the bathroom and leave with so much fear in your eyes that it soaks your bones til they shake.
"Kai," I listened as her voice became firm. "Get up."
"I'm...I'm not making my speech without her." I feel like my chest is going to collapse."They can wait."
I stood up and turned to face the two women. Each with different expressions but the same undertones of worry.
"Okay...Come on, Cel."
My eyes followed Celestia as Aurua guided her into the bathroom. I watched as she disappeared as the door swung shut and blocked her from me.
I shouldn't have brought her. This is my fault.
...
I still haven't seen Gillian or Evan but I don't think I could even hold a proper fucking conversation right now, let alone make a speech.
I've never planned my speeches, it's just talking to a bunch more people and thanking them for giving you all of their money. Planning a speech seemed like unnecessary anxiety and too much thought into a five minute conversation. But right now, I wish I had planned a speech.
Fuck I know I've got problems, yea? But I've always had them. I dealt with them by having sex and I thought I felt better now that I have Moonie but I think it's making them worse.
I feel stuff now. All kinds of stuff that I didn't have to feel before. It's so easy physically being with her, just holding her and feeing so content that she just exists is easy. Mentally...that's a different story.
I can't stop thinking about how happy I am with her and how happy she seems to be with me, but then something like this happens and I can't help but to think that it's my fault. She wouldn't have went back home alone had I not taken her to live with me in the first place nor would she have been here to get hurt again. This time, she won't even fucking tell me what happened.
So maybe...
"Kai."
I felt my body shiver lightly as her calmed voice flowed through my ears and her hand slid across my back.
"Are you ok?" I whispered as I shifted my body to be in front of hers, my arm tingling as I felt her skin hit my fingertips. My heart pattered in my chest as I glanced down at her dress. "You're dress looks amazing. Almost like an entirely different one...Aurua did a good job."
She chuckled lightly, her eyes beginning to light up as she stared at me. Despite being so shaken up a few minutes ago, she's standing in front of me as if nothing happened.
Her hand slid up my chest and slithered around to the back of my neck as her fingers combed through the fine clusters of hair.
"Thank you. Im ok," she replied softly and slowly as if she was trying lull my anxious thoughts. "Are you ready for your speech?" She spoke softly as her nails continued to guide my thoughts away from my mind and into her eyes.
I swallowed lightly as her leg glided between mine.
"Yea...yea...I'm glad you're ok. We can go home right after, I promise."
She stared up at me as if she wasn't even thinking of escaping. Her eyes remained full of her chocolate brown galaxies as if they really weren't just ridden with destruction.
"I'm ok. I want to see your paintings. That's what we came for."
Maybe she is ok...maybe she did just fall. If she wants me to...I think I could trick myself into believing it.
My fingers tightened around her waist as I leaned in closer, her eyes still admiring mine as her lips fell open slightly. "Whatever you want, Moon."
I think...for right now at least, I can believe that she's ok.
...
The rest of the show went well. Moonie lapped the entire building four times because she said she had to treat each of them 'fairly'. I think it's just because she thought I wanted to see them before the majority of them were sold.
My speech went how it usually does and I still didn't see Gillian or Evan not once. I'm trying not to think about why.
"Kai?"
I hummed as I glanced at Celestia, my fingers tightening around hers. "What is it?"
She giggled lightly as she continued to stare at me. "I asked you a question. Are you ok?"
I should be asking her if she's ok.
"Yea, I'm fine." I glanced at her, my heart skipping a beat when I saw how she was looking at me.
I knew she was looking at me and she always has those sparkles in her eyes but I swear I could see hearts forming from her pupils.
"...what, uh..." I cleared my throat as I shifted in my seat. Fuck she makes me nervous. "What was your question?"
She hummed lightly, my eyes glancing down at her hand in mine as she grazed her thumb along the side of my hand. "Did you have fun?"
I chuckled lightly as if her question couldn't be taken seriously. "Did you?"
She nodded "of course. I mean it felt kinda surreal being in a room full of paintings of mostly me, but it was nice. You did really well and you're so talented..."
I glanced at her as I slowed the car at the light, her lips hung apart as if she was deciding on what to say next. My body shifted slightly toward her.
"What?" I questioned.
Her tongue clicked lightly as she stared at me with this hesitant look.
I chuckled and smiled at her, her hesitation made me nervous, more nervous than I already was. "What is it, Moon?"
"...And I'm proud of you."
My eyes widened as her words looked around my mind. She's proud of me...?
Fuck, do I have a praise kink?