***(Y/N) POV***
"Hey...come on, man...Don't cry. You're gonna set me off..."
I felt almost too tiny as Heat enveloped me, whimpering into my shoulder, nearly bent in half.
"B..But we'll miss you!" He wailed, and I held him tighter.
"It isn't forever, I promise...I just need to take a break..." Killer was making true of his promise, and was taking me back to Water 7. I wasn't able to function within the crew right now, that much had been proven, so it was definitely for the best. "Could you do me a favour? Look after Missy for me?"
Heat nodded as he pulled back, a punkish, blubbering mess, and Wire sidled up to us, patting his friend's shoulder with one hand, the other settling atop my head.
"Keep in contact, okay? Don't get into trouble, and don't stay away too long, got it?"
"Yes, Mum." I half chuckled, though I was nearing tears myself. I didn't want to leave them, but I had to. Whilst Water 7 had stifled me, it was still my safe space. Rather, certain people were.
"Alright, you ready?" Killer came from down the hill, where he had been preparing a smaller ship for us to travel on. Of course, we couldn't take the Victoria Punk, but the one we had scrounged up would do well enough.
"Almost. There's one more thing." Holding up a hand in wait, I moved past our crew members, back into the castle. With everybody outside, the halls were cold, and empty. I could relate to that. That was how I had been feeling, the past few weeks.
Down the stairs, darkness shrouding me, I stopped at the door to the workshop and listened. Slight, muffled sounds came from within, so I knew Kid was there, but I didn't dare knock.
"I..." My words threatened to die on my tongue, but I persevered, swallowing so I could force them out. "...I'm leaving for a while. Don't know how long, but I just need t..to go. I thought I should let you know, I guess...since you're my captain, and all..."
I was met by silence, as expected. No tinkering, no shuffling. Just cold, dead silence. I shifted on my feet, staring at the slight luminance coming from the crack beneath the door.
Did you even really care at all..?
"Th..There's so much I wanna say to you, but right now...I think it might kill me...so just...get back on your damn feet already, you dumb bastard. Quit dragging everyone down with you..."
I turned tail and left immediately, not wanting to risk him opening the door. Seeing him face to face right now would only make everything a thousand times worse.
Maybe this all was for the best...
"Okay, let's go..." I brushed Killer's shoulder as I passed him, making my way down to the small dock. The Victoria Punk dwarfed our little vessel, but it would be home until we reached our destination.
Saying our final goodbyes was harder than I expected. I knew it wasn't permanent, but in the pirate world nobody could ever know for sure. Head pats, fist bumps, wobbling lips and stiff jaws, I held strong as I allowed Killer to help me onto the quaint ship and pull up the anchor.
"Call as soon as you get there, or I'll fight ya!" Haikei called out, hands cupped around his mouth as we began to drift off. I could only nod, knowing that any spoken words would send me into tears.
The Kid Pirates were soon out of sight as we curved around the coast of the small island, course set for home, and I watched it pass us by, heart heavy. That was, until I saw it.
Obscured by overgrown leaves and heavy shadows, a patch of red, and a faint glint of sunlight off glass. I met Kid's eyes, and time seemed to stand still, yet pass by so incredibly quickly at the same moment.
His expression was impossible to decode. Lips pulled tight, shoulders back, nothing like the open book he had once claimed to be. Before I could even consider acting in any way, we were gone, out into the open sea, and I slowly lowered myself to my knees.
"Hey, you alright?" Killer hovered over me, hands just shy of my shoulders, as though there was some kind of invisible barrier preventing him from touching me. He must not have seen Kid, and I decided that it was a good thing.
"Y..Yeah..." I sniffed back my tears, using the backs of my wrists to wipe what little had managed to drizzle over the edges. "...I'm just gonna miss them..."
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"Hey...Can we talk? Like, complete honesty?"
Killer glanced down at me from his place at the helm, his hair whipping around his face. I had managed to convince him to ditch the helmet after the first few days, though he always kept it at arm's reach.
"I suppose. What's up?" He responded, though he sounded sceptical.
"It's about the other night..." It wasn't exactly a subject I wanted to bring up myself, but the air had to he cleared. We could pretend all we wanted that nothing had happened, but it wouldn't do either of us any good.
Killer's jaw twitched, but that was the only negative reaction he had.
"What about it?" He questioned, watching me from the corner of his eye as I leaned back against our crate of food.
"Well, first of all, I just want to properly apologise. I wasn't thinking straight, and I hurt you. That's the last thing I'd ever do intentionally..." The guilt had been gnawing at me, so it was good to finally open up now that we'd had time to settle.
"I know that. I'm sorry for snapping like that, too. I just...Things were too intense, and the pressure got to me..." Killer sighed, properly looking down at me from above.
"No, you had every right to snap. I fucked up. I mean the way I went about things, not that you'd be what I'd consider a fuck up..."
Word things better, you moron!
Making sure we were on the right course, Killer moved to lean against the upper level railing, chin in his hand.
"Since we're being honest here, I almost fucked up, too. You nearly had me knocked right out of my senses. Not that you'd be what I'd consider a fuck up, either."
It was kind of mortifying, thinking back on what had transpired. I'd thrown myself at him in the bluntest of ways, and it wasn't like me at all. Still, it was Killer. I knew he was well aware it was the grief and alcohol taking the reigns.
"It isn't that I-"
"Nope, shut it. Don't go starting that crap again." His interruption wasn't harsh, per-say, but it was stern.
"This is honesty time, is it not?" I quipped back, furrowing my brows until he pursed his lips.
"I'm starting to regret agreeing to this conversation."
Too bad.
Once I was sure he'd let me continue, I looked out over the calm ocean, letting the ripples distract me.
"It's strange. The way I feel about you, I mean. You make me feel safe, and happy, and I trust you completely, like the others...but there's more to it. Something deeper, outside of what I should feel for a friend..."
The deck boards creaked as the blond shifted his weight, and I waited for an answer.
"Best friend, obviously." His answer was short, but it held a waver. Like he was trying to fake me out. It wasn't going to work.
"Yes, but no. Listen, I'm not trying to fuck with your head or anything, Killz. Seriously." I turned to face him again, but his eyes were hidden under the mess of his bangs. "What...the captain said wasn't the only reason I did what I did. I was drunk, so I can't exactly pick apart the exact reasons, but it was more than just that."
I flinched when Killer launched himself over the railing, landing a few feet away from me, effortlessly. He didn't approach, but moved to the bow, pocketing his hands.
"You need to understand something, (Y/N). Saying things like that won't bode well for you, or for me. I can guarantee it. What would you do if things did happen between us, and then Kid decided he's changed his mind?"
What would I do?
He had me there. My brows knitted together as I thought about it, but it was starting to give me a headache.
"Why...would I go back to him? After what he said? I mean, I'm stupid, but I'd like to think I have at least a shred of self respect..?"
Blond rode the breeze like an untamed flame, curling and flickering behind Killer's head.
"Humour me. Say he came crawling back and you were still in love with him. What would you do if I refused to let you go?"
There was a pang, deep in my chest. Killer loved me. I knew that. It hadn't been a secret for a long while now, but it didn't make things any easier. I loved him too, immensely, but I wasn't sure of how.
It was a question I couldn't correctly answer, and he knew it, which made it even harder.
"That's the thing...I know you wouldn't refuse to let me go. You would in a heartbeat. That just proves that you really do care about me..." It was a painfully bitter-sweet thought, and Killer's faint chuckle, mostly air, only intensified it.
He turned, a soft smile curving his lips, but his eyes - what I could see of them beneath his hair - were sad.
"That's exactly why I pushed you away, aside from you being drunk off your ass. Self preservation. I'd die for you, for anyone on our crew, but I don't think I'd be able to live if that came to pass. Guess I'm more sensitive than I realised..."
Everything's changing. Everything's falling apart. Why is everything stacked against us?
Sitting up a little more, I had a lot of things I wanted to say, but decided against them.
"One more thing, and I swear I'll drop it." I promised, waiting for his nod of acceptance. "Why? Like, why me? When did it start..?"
It had been something I wanted to know since he had kissed me on that couch, but he'd never given me an answer. Turning back towards the vast sea, Killer hummed, folding his arms across his broad chest.
"That's a good question. Maybe I'll tell you sometime..."
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***I'm thriving with Killer hours.
Flash to Paulie squealing like a little girl over the fact his baby sister is coming home.
Next Time: Life As We Once Knew It***