October 5th
I held Moonie tighter in my arms, her fresh and warm skin holding my mind together. Her arms around me as she sleeps peacefully is all that's reminding me that she doesn't hate me.
I've never felt guilty for something like this before. I've done much worse to women after sex and never had a second thought about it, yet we didn't even have sex and I feel like I've defiled her entire being. I'm disgusted with myself for letting that happen.
I'm not saying it didn't feel good because fuck did it feel good..better than sex if you ask me. Just her fingers that I find so gorgeous wrapped around my dick and her heaven sent lips pressed against mine...I couldn't think of anything better than that. But I let my need for sex take over me and I didn't want her to ever have to experience something like that, for the first time, with me.
I don't know who else it would've been with but I just feel so...dirty. And it's even worse that she still looked at me with those beautiful galaxy ridden eyes and told me she wouldn't have done it for anybody but me. She said it as if it wasn't negotiable or as if she wouldn't even let the thought of holding somebody else, the way she did me, cross her mind.
And I feel worse because I don't think I could ever say no if she offered again. I could easily reject anybody else but I couldn't reject her. I couldn't not want her.
And I don't know what that means.
And I'm scared.
...
October 7th
Gillian wanted me to meet her here to discuss the plans for the exhibit. She claims we are only a week out from the final touches and two and half from the showcase. She says she thinks this could be my last one before I no longer have to even present my work beforehand...she says I could become as big as Van Gogh. But fuck if I believe that, I'm amazing but I don't think I could be that famous until I die and Moonie has to tell my story to some sick kids or some shit.
I flicked my cigarette down into the alleyway before straightening my sweater out.
"I've gotta quit smoking." I murmured as I opened the doors to the building.
I watched as men carried around and arranged my works on the walls. Some paintings I'd done over two years ago and just refused to sell but even in those, despite most claiming them as my best works, you can see all of the improvements since then in my new work. Or maybe my muse is just too wonderful to make a bad painting.
It wasn't even hard to repaint the ones that got ruined because after the flood, I was happier than I'd ever been. Moonie even sat with me a couple of times while I redid them and I even got one of her while she slept. She says that one is her favorite. I painted her in a field of blue poppies, blue beards, baby's breath, and larkspur. I stayed up all night painting it, a full nine hours of work and no sleep and I got it done.
"What's up Kaito!" I glanced to the side to see Evan with his hand gripping my shoulder. "You really outdid yourself with these ya know! We think you could really be something big with these."
"Thank you...Evan." I walked off toward where Gillian was standing, her hands waving through the air and her bracelets echoing throughout the museum.
"Ma look who it is!"
I rolled my eyes slightly before Gillian turned around, her agitated expression melting away as she saw me. "Oh my goodness! Kai! What're you doing here?" She laughed, her hands clasping together as she looked up at Evan.
"You called me here, Lee. You wanted to talk about the exhibit."
Her eyes widened as she slowly realized.
Fuck I hate it here.
All she said was what we already talked about. I guess she forgot she told me to come because she already told me on the phone.
"Well, Kaito, thank you for showing up." I turned to look at Evan as I held my cigarette between my lips. "That's one nasty habit man." He chuckled as he stuffed his hands in his Jean pockets.
"Yea. But I quit so it doesn't matter." He watched me as I blew smoke from the side of my mouth. "I've seen you around too often lately, Evan. What're you here for?"
He tilted his head slightly, his eyes lost like a child's. "Mom didn't tell you?"
I sucked in the smoke, my head tilting back slightly. "Fuck it's cold. Tell me what?"
"She's not doing too well ya know so I decided to help out so she can get to resting and not worrying about you." He laughed but he wasn't joking.
"Well what's wrong with her?"
He licked his lips slightly, his eyes unsteady as he hesitated to tell me whatever he was holding in. "Breast cancer,"
My eyes widened, my cigarette falling from between my fingers and onto the concrete stairs below. "Fu—what?"
He shrugged slightly, his lips clicking as he opened up his mouth to speak. "Ah she says not to worry. It's early on so she just has to do some chemo and maybe get the tumor removed and she'll be good to go. Or at least that's what she's saying but the way she's working...I'm not so sure."
Gillian? We can't be talking about the same woman. The same Gillian who rants about veganism being the only way to go but it's against her beliefs to force it on others? The same Gillian who only dresses out of her hippie attire for my shows? The same fucking Gillian who told me that I would never have to sell my paintings of my sister if I didn't have to? Even if it meant she'd go broke just for believing in me?
"Kai?"
I blinked up at Evan, his soft doe eyes filled with worry. "Didn't think I'd hit you this hard..."
"It's...it's not...she'll be fine." I stepped backwards, my foot landing on the stair below me. "Just uh...tell her to sit down or some shit...and I'll order those mushrooms shes always talking about. Don't...don't..."
Gillian?
...
I've been sitting in my car for twenty minutes I think. I haven't been thinking about anything. I got the mushrooms and...I didn't know how many to get so I just got a bunch. I made sure they were organic and the company didn't have any issues with mistreatment of their animals. She wouldn't like that.
They won't get here til November so...I hope she...
"Kai!" I looked up at the garage door, Jax standing there with his usual smile like he was trying to get me to sleep with him.
"Why are you here?" I asked as I slammed the car door and approached him.
He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and walked beside me into my house. "What're you sitting in the car looking all mopey for? I've been waiting for you for an hour."
I glanced at him as I threw my keys across the counter. "Where's Moonie?"
He blew raspberries into the air as he disappeared behind my back. "She's so gorgeous but She's—"
"Watch your mouth."
He stayed silent for a moment before sighing heavily. "She won't talk to me and she's been upstairs the whole time. At least I think, I sat outside and talked on the phone for a minute...ya know that girl Jasmine—"
"Please...fuck off. I'm not in the mood to talk about sex right now. I just want to sleep."
I rubbed my forehead as Jax hopped up off the counter and landed right next to me.
"Alright alright, whatever you say Kaito. Let's get you to bed huh?" His hand hovered over my back as if he was guiding me through my house and up the stairs.
"Don't come in here."
"This isn't your room." I sighed as Jax peeked around. "This is Lucy's room. You never come in here."
"Moonie sleeps in here and how'd you know this is her room? Everything's different."
He chuckled as he leaned against the doorway. "Your parents changed what's in the room not the location. Still, what're you sleeping in Cel's room for?"
"It's a habit." I replied as I laid down on the bed, my back feeling instant relief.
"You guys fuck in your sisters old room?"
"No, Jax. Everything's different. Including the mattress and the floor. There is literally nothing in here that was Lucile's. And we don't have sex."
I could hear that he was baffled just by his silence.
"Still?! You still haven't fucked her and it's been what? Four months! It's cold outside!"
"Fuck off Jax!"