Kakashi Hatake detests being Hokage. He also detests the stupid council that's allowed to dictate so much of what he does, and he detests their ideas, too- including this one; a party thrown at the Hokage's Residence to celebrate his inauguration.
Kakashi is already tired from the aforementioned inauguration, which was bright and early that morning. Now it's just past six in the evening and the party is starting. He's glad that he doesn't actually live in the Hokage's Residence like many of the other Hokage chose to do, as he can't imagine the mess that's sure to come from this that he's going to have to assign some poor Genin to clean as a D-Rank mission come tomorrow.
It's clear that the council are inept to what kind of things happen when there's parties with alcohol that ninja are allowed to attend; intoxication, violence, and sex, which are all things that Kakashi has had more than his fair share of in his lifetime. So he tries to avoid everyone by staying in the corner despite it being a party thrown to celebrate him and his big accomplishment.
To make things even worse, he's able to hear a familiar voice by the doorway that makes his charcoal eyes go wide and his heart skip a beat.
None other than Iruka Umino walks into the room and takes off his coat, chocolate brown eyes bright and full of life. Kakashi swallows the lump in his throat and tries to make himself as small as possible, but that's difficult to do when he's one of the tallest men in the room and donned in a bright white outfit with the Hokage's hat atop his head. It doesn't surprise him when he catches Iruka's eyes. He sees it happen as Iruka's face lights up immediately.
He looks so nice, so lovely even though he's only adorned in his modest work uniform; dark navy pants and a matching turtleneck with a Chunin vest and a village headband. The only thing that's remotely different is the puffy green coat that the brunette abandons on a hook by the doorway before walking over to Kakashi with a grin.
Kakashi can't breathe. The needy, desperate side of him wants nothing more than to grab Iruka and pull the brunette into his arms. The rational side of him prays that Iruka will just get bored of the celebration and go home.
"Kakashi, we should grab drinks after this," Iruka says, and Kakashi knows that it's a genuine invitation, but he also knows that it's one he'll never accept. Iruka wants to be Kakashi's closest person; a friend, a confidant, a lover, his special one. He makes it obvious in how he sends Kakashi the occasional gift and uses every excuse to talk to him regardless of how Kakashi tries his best to ignore him. "You know... Alone . I'd love to catch up with you. It's been a while."
Iruka, as kind and as sweet and as trusting as he is, never expects anything from Kakashi. So he doesn't wait for an answer, instead turning away and going to join the crowd that he sticks out from so beautifully with his lips painted light pink and his hair let loose from his ponytail.
Iruka is cruel in the way he dances with his friends and coworkers, seeming like he's having the time of his life as he unknowingly tears Kakashi to shreds. Iruka is cruel in the way he shakes his hips, in the way he smiles radiantly and flips his wavy chestnut locks underneath the red glow of the party lights.
Kakashi can't have him, even though they both want each other. Iruka is a kind-hearted person and even if Kakashi didn't somehow ruin him, there's a myriad of people who still want Kakashi and his loved ones dead that probably would. Kakashi can't get too close. That's why he rejects every dinner invitation, brushes off every subtle touch, and breaks the heated eye contact. Any time he's aware that Iruka is going to be present somewhere, he avoids it like the plague.
He questions if Iruka knows his true feelings or if Iruka is completely oblivious. At the same time, Kakashi doesn't think he wants the answer to that.
The music is too loud. It's a bunch of shit that Kakashi doesn't like, blared through speakers that he feels like they shouldn't even have. The technological advancements they've made since the war have been crazy, change on top of change on top of change that Kakashi just isn't ready for yet. Times are peaceful and yet he can't move on. If anything, he feels worse. Everyone else is moving on with their lives, getting therapy, making peace, starting families. Kakashi is somehow above everyone status-wise and simultaneously being left behind.
Plenty of people come to talk to him, some friends, some strangers, some people who used to whisper about him being a friend-killer who are apparently now perfectly content to graduate him on his promotion to Hokage and tell them that they believed in him all along. All of the saccharine words go in one ear and come out the other until Kakashi is snapped out of it by quiet, familiar footsteps that he instantly recognizes as Iruka's. He turns to see the younger man leaving through the backdoor to go to the balcony.
Kakashi watches him through the window from inside with a wistful gaze. Iruka leans over the railing with his back facing Kakashi. He holds a cigarette in one hand and a lighter in the other- a nasty habit that Kakashi would love to scold him for were he not too scared of Iruka knowing the truth to show his concern for the teacher. For the first time tonight, Kakashi allows himself to smile. It should take Iruka a bit to finish the cigarette he's currently taking drags off of, so Kakashi indulges in what he feels like he can't have.
Iruka shifts, bends over forward just a little too much as his hair blows with the soft spring wind.
Kakashi is thoroughly convinced that rather than the ethereal angel everyone seems to insist that Iruka is, the Chunin is a monster from hell sent to torment him specifically. Kakashi doesn't mind it, though. As much as he hates it- hates himself, hates his feelings- if his fate is to be tortured by the monster that is Iruka for the rest of his life, so be it.
Kakashi sees Iruka start to move, so he turns and pretends to be standing with his back against the wall, uncaring and unmoving. When Iruka comes back inside, Kakashi doesn't spare him so much as a glance- at least not until he's back in the crowd and far enough away that he won't notice Kakashi's blatant staring as he goes to talk to Guy.
A few minutes later, Guy rolls over in his wheelchair with a determined look on his face. Kakashi notices Iruka watching from across the room and immediately gets a bad feeling about what's going to occur in the next few minutes. He attempts to ignore it to no avail.
"My dear rival," Guy starts. Kakashi can't help but notice that the older man's hair is just a tad greyer than it used to be underneath the warm lighting. They really are getting old... "Iruka's been asking about you all night! Why don't you go talk to him?"
"I'm good," Kakashi answers, his voice cold and even like ice. He doesn't want to give anything away that he doesn't have to, though he's fearful. Guy can see through him better than anyone else. Kakashi would be surprised if the other Jonin didn't already figure out his feelings for Iruka. "Kinda just enjoying my alone time right now. You know these events aren't really my thing..."
"Kakashi," Guy huffs. "It's been years of you two doing this. He's still here to celebrate you even though he has work first thing in the morning! At least go thank him, will you?"
"No. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for him to come here, either," Kakashi spits and throws his hands up in frustration. He understands why Guy is concerned, and he understands why Guy is trying to help, as he's friends with both Kakashi and Iruka. He probably just wants the two of them to be happy together. Unfortunately, it's not meant to be, and it's certainly not Guy's place to try to make it so. "It's not like we talk, and it wasn't mandatory. He could've stayed home."
"You can't avoid your feelings forever. Why've you been so cold with him? It's been especially bad since the war ended, and to think I assumed you would start treating him better!"
Kakashi shifts uncomfortably under Guy's intense, scrutinizing gaze. He himself used to think that, were things to become peaceful, he'd make a move. But since the war ended, his feelings of bitterness and self-loathing have only gotten worse. Growing defensive, Kakashi snaps at his best friend, even if he'll end up regretting it come tomorrow morning.
"I can do what I want, and you're reading into this far too much. Iruka and I have never been anything more than coworkers."
"Then why are you always this depressed and angry any time he's around?" Guy demands. "You're never like this!"
"I'm not," Kakashi denies and crosses his arms over his chest. "And how does depression and bitterness equate to any feelings beyond hate?"
"Because that's how you cope," Guy exclaims with a furrowed brow. "Because you're afraid of letting anyone get too close to you, so you push them as far away as you can with the nastiest attitude you can muster when you start getting scared!"
"I don't care what you say, Guy," Kakashi shakes his head. He's lost, they both know that. Guy is right. Kakashi will never admit that to anyone but himself, though. "I'm not interested in him."
"Ugh, fine, be that way! You're so frustrating sometimes," Guy huffs once more and turns to leave.
"I know I am," Kakashi calls out to the ravenette as he wheels himself away, a shit-eating grin on his face underneath the mask he wears.
Then, he heads to the front door. The council will be pissed at him for leaving his own celebration party so early. He just can't bring himself to care about that. Right as his gloved hand touches the doorknob, however, a softer and smaller hand grips the back of his uniform. He looks over his shoulder to see Iruka standing behind him with a concerned expression.
"Kakashi, are you good? You've been kind of to yourself tonight," Iruka points out, and it's true.
Kakashi hates that his attempts at pushing Iruka away have barely worked. He hates that even though Iruka barely knows him, they can see right through each other like this. Iruka can tell that something is wrong.
"Ah, I'm fine, just... I'm not feeling too well," Kakashi tries to play off his pathetic, emotional state as a physical illness. Thankfully, Iruka seems to believe him. "I'm probably going to go home."
"Oh, are you okay?" Iruka says and, to Kakashi's horror, places a hand on his shoulder and leans far too close. People are staring at them. Kakashi damn near melts right then and there. "Should I walk you home?"
"No, don't bother. You have a lot going on here with your friends and all, so uh... I'll see myself out," Kakashi forces the words to fall from his mouth before pushing Iruka's hand off of his shoulder. The dejected look that crosses the younger man's face breaks Kakashi's heart into tiny little pieces that he knows he's going to have to spend the rest of the night taping back together within the confines of his bedroom. "Thanks for coming."
"Kakashi, wait, before you go... I just wanted to say," Iruka smiles at him again. "Congratulations. Really, I mean it. I'm so proud of you."
"...Thank you," Kakashi responds and makes himself smile back. "Goodnight, Iruka."
"Goodnight, Kakashi. Walk home safely!"
"No promises."
With that, Kakashi leaves, glad to be rid of the monster that is Iruka Umino- even if it's only for the rest of tonight.