Pain is an unwanted visitor that sticks around whether you allow it or not. It knocks on your door and barges in and leaves whenever it pleases. When it comes to pain, there isn't really much of a choice but to just feel it, and let it break you in and out. For a lot of people, breaking is a good thing, because it allows them to put themselves back together and be stronger versions of themselves, it gives them a new perspective, and it draws them to a new point of view in life.
However, for some, for those whose pain comes full cycle all year round, for those who know nothing else but pain, it allows them the power to stop feeling. Because the pain has been so much for so long, and there is nothing else to feel, they've started to just feel nothing instead.
There are people with so much pain that they have no more tears left to shed and silence has become their loudest cry.
"Ces."
I turn to Ada when she nudges me with her elbow, pulling me out of the depths of my thoughts.
"Are you paying attention? Tulala ka diyan," saad ni Leo, sitting in front of us. "You haven't even touched your food."
I let out a small smile and shake my head, picking up my fork. "Yes, sorry. I was just trying to think of something, pero wala akong maisasuggest eh."
It's a lie. These days, when I'm not deliberately forcing myself to drown in schoolwork, ay kusang lumilipad nalang ng utak ko sa kawalan. There was so much to think about that my brain just decides to go blank as if trying to preserve my peace in the form of nothingness.
Leo lets out a sigh, crossing his arms on top of the table.
"Malapit na kasi ang birthday ni Demi," he mutters, "after everything that she's been through, she deserves something nice on her birthday. I wonder what she wants."
I let out a breath and lean forward, following Leo's position, crossing my arms over the table. "I think we all know what she wants for her birthday, kaya lang impossible. She just wants them back."
Leo nods slowly. "I know," he says. "Nakaka-awa naman kasi, she must be in so much pain. We really need to do something for her."
"Maybe we can surprise her?" Ada suggests.
I let out a sigh and shake my head. "I don't think so. She's had enough surprises already."
"Well, a good kind of surprise."
I nod my head. "I guess, pwede naman."
Bago pa man makapagsalita ay tumunog na ang alarm ni Leo, reminding him of his class. Agaran itong tumayo at niligpit ang mga gamit.
"Shoot, I have to get to class. I'll see you this afternoon," he rushes around the table. "Baka may maisip ka ha? You're always the best at planning," he says, gently pressing his hand on the top of my head before he sprints away.
I let out a small smile and nod my head, returning my attention to my untouched food.
"Hay nako," Ada mutters, "I feel so bad for Demi. After one funeral after another, ang dami dami nya pang inaasikaso. I'm glad her professors are very giving of her. Halos dalawang buwan na din siyang hindi nakakapasok masyado."
Tahimik akong tumango. It is quite worrisome, thinking about Demi and her situation. Lalo na at graduating student ito, pero I know her capabilities. Magaling siya, kahit mukhang pabaya. And I know for sure hindi rin siya papayag na hindi makahabol, especially now when an empire is leaning on her.
"Anyways, mauna na ako, Ces ha," paalam ni Ada, "I have to meet my classmates sa lib eh, we have this group homework for Mathematical Physics, tapos ang hirap pang intindihin. I feel like I'm losing my mind."
"Do you need help? Baka makatulong ako. I have no classes naman na."
She smiles and shakes her head. "It's okay, marami naman kami, I'm sure kakayanin naman namin. Plus I'm sure you have something with Enzo rin," she chuckles, waving a hand at me as she walks away.
As soon as she is gone from my sight, I lean back in my seat and let out a sigh.
Enzo.
Halos magdadalawang buwan na din kaming hindi nagkikita. The last time I saw him was the night I ended things between us. It wasn't easy doing that, because no matter how much I remind myself that we weren't real, a small part of me longs for it to be. And I guess, to some extent, none of it felt fake. The way he treats me, the way he smiles at me, the way he kisses me---everything felt so genuine.
It's been a while now, but I couldn't forget the look in his eyes as I left him that night. It was filled with so much grief and sadness and anger and it hurt me. Somehow, it hurt me to see him hurt, especially knowing that I am the cause of it.
He was too pure for me, too kind, too perfect.
And I was born tainted with misery and I don't think I can live knowing I have stained him with my inadequateness.
Halos dalawang linggo din niya akong sinubukang tawagan, pero hindi ko sinasagot. I had left instructions at the guard sa lobby na huwag magpapapasok ng kahit na sino maliban sa mga kaibigan ko, so I don't really know if he tried to visit me. Ang lumusot lang talaga ay ang mga padala niya.
I would come home with coffee outside of my door, with short notes like "I hope you feel better soon" and it only made me hurt more. Because despite the pain I have caused him, he still remains to be so kind to me.
"My mom misses you, and I do too."' This was the last note I received from him, and that night was probably the night I cried the most because I, too, missed him so much.
Sa dalawang buwan na iyon, hindi pa rin napagtanto ng mga kaibigan ko na wala na kami ni Enzo. I couldn't blame them though, they had their own problems to deal with. And I cannot, in good conscience, bombard them with mine, especially when it was always me who they run to when they need someone to lean on to.
I needed to be strong for them.
I have always been seen as the strong one in the group. Ako iyong laging okay. I guess I have perfected my facade so that people look at me as if I have everything in my life all in order.
Demi was having a hard time dealing with the death of her parents, Ada was having a mental breakdown, and Leo was stressed by his father's candidacy for senator. I didn't want to add to their misery, especially when I know I can somehow handle my problems on my own. I have been too used to crying in solitude after all.
Somehow, I find it therapeutic to care for my friends. My condo has become their safe place, coming to me in the wee hours of the night to let out everything that ails them. I found joy in it---cooking for them, lulling them, comforting them---it made me feel needed. Like I had a real purpose in the world. I feel wanted, and it made me feel nice, even if I had to put my own emotions into the back seat.
I'm not complaining though, I would never, but there are days when the pain just knocks on my chest and refuses to be unheard, that a blanket of loneliness just dawns over me. There are split seconds when I wished I had someone like me, someone who'd notice the yelling behind my silence, the cries for help behind my comforting words, the way I've lost weight because I have lost the affinity for eating, and hear the "I'm not okay" behind my every "I'm okay."
Sana sinasabi ko nalang ang mga nararamdaman ko diba? Ang dali-daling sabihin, pero napakahirap gawin para sa akin. I grew up being unheard and unseen all my life. My words weigh no value to the people I wished would just look at me for a second, my childish cries were noted as a nuisance. At a young age, naturuan ko na ang sarili to just bottle things up and not be a bother, it stuck to my head how unimportant my feelings are, that I have resorted to hiding them.
I have been doing it for so long that I don't know any other way to express myself. It has become a bad habit that refuses to die before me.
I deal with myself on my own, dahil iyon ang alam ko. I could never bear it---be an inconvenience to people. I have been made to feel like I am so enough times already.
Pinahiran ko ang luha na kusa nalang tumutulo habang pumipila ako sa cashier ng grocery. I have abandoned my own emotions that there are times when I just find my tears falling on their own as if my soul has been overflowing with unattended grief.
I dry my other cheek as I send Ada my past outputs for the subject she's having a hard time with. Ito rin kasi ang root cause ng stress niya ngayon, and it is undeniable na talagang mahirap ang subject na ito. Since I'm accelerated, nadaanan ko na ang mga subjects na ngayon pa lang niya tinitake, kaya minabuti ko nalang na isend sa kanya dahil baka makatulong.
Minutes later, tumatawag na si Ada.
"Thank you!"
I can hear the stress from her as she exasperated her gratitude from the other line. Napangiti nalang ako kahit hindi niya nakikita. "Alam ko naman kasing nahihiya ka lang manghingi," I tell her, propping my basket on the counter for the cashier. "I bought stuff for dinner, so sa bahay ka magdidinner ha," I add.
I know she'd protest a little, but eventually she'll give in dahil sa pagpupumilit ko. Friday kasi ngayon, and for the longest time, I've always made it a point to invite Ada for dinner.
When the call ended, I dialed Demi's number as I pay for what I bought.
"Saan ka?" I ask her as soon as she picks up.
"Sunken garden," she answers in a tired voice, "nagpapahangin. I had a chuckload of paperwork to finish today."
"I'm on my way." I can hear the life being drained out of her kahit hindi ko siya nakikita. Kaya ng makabayad na ako ay kinuha ko na ang plastic ng mga pinamili ko at ang isang box ng butter cookies na paborito ni Demi.
By the end of next week, we managed to organize a birthday party for Demi. Maliit lang at kami kami lang magkakaibigan sa condo ko. It was a huge contrast from her old high end birthday parties na halos buong Maynila ang imbitado. Masyadong maraming nangyari sa kanya these past weeks, kaya naman we all thought that it was better to have an intimate barkada party for her.
I am in the middle of preparing the food when Ada, Demi, and Leo arrived. I eyed the cans---emphasis on the 's'---of liquor they are trying to shove through my door. I raise my brows at Leo who only shrugs his shoulders, trying to eye Demi.
"Akala ko ba kakain lang at movie," I whisper to him as I close the door.
"Akala ko rin, pero she was already dragging the damn things to the elevator pagdating namin ni Ada," he says, "jusko, may oral exam ako bukas ha, not the type of oral I prefer, pero I would really want to be sober for it. Buti nalang at flavored beer lang iyan."
I grunt, hitting his arm. "Ewan ko sayo," I mutter, pushing him to the kitchen where the others are.
"Wala pa ba sina Kaleb?"
I turn my head sharply towards Demi, raising my brows. "Sina Kaleb? They're coming?"
As far as I remember, the plan was only for us four, pero hindi ko naman masisi si Demi if she wanted her cousin to come. But where Kaleb goes, most likely nandoon din si Ivan, and most likely may susunod na Enzo.
That thought alone sent my heart to the depths of my stomach.
I haven't seen him in weeks, tapos bigla ko siyang makikita ngayon? Hindi ko naiintindihan ang bigla kong nararamdaman---kaba na may halong takot na parang na eexcite na hindi.
I am so afraid that when I see him I wouldn't be able to fight the urge to run to him and be the most vulnerable I can be.
"Yeah, I invited him. For sure sasama na rin ang ibang boys niyan," Demi says casually, picking on the fries I have laid out on the counter. "Is there a problem?"
I quickly shake my head. "Wala naman," I say, forcing out a smile, "ano lang. . . the food! Inaalala ko lang ang pagkain. I didn't know they were coming eh, baka ano. . . magkulang."
"Oh that's not a problem," Demi excitedly hops off the barstool and grabs her phone from the living room couch. "I'll text Kaleb to get more food. Wala bang sinabi si Enzo sayo na pupunta siya? Kaleb said na tentative siya eh, ngayon dating niya from London diba?"
Nagulat ako sa sinabi ng kaibigan, pero I tried to conceal it. Hindi ko pinahalata that his going to London was much of a surprise to me. I still didn't know when to tell them about us, I just couldn't find the right time.
Tumango nalang ako at ngumiti, making my way to the kitchen to finish what I was doing kanina. I subtly let out a small sigh, parang wala sa sarili habang hinahalo ang nilulutong pasta sauce. "Yeah," tipid kong sagot.
"Sus! Mahigit isang buwan din ang training niya doon ha, I'm sure sabik sabik na ka sa jowa mo ngayon," biro ni Leo, sinusundot ang tagiliran ko nang dumaan siya.
I hiss out, furrowing my brows at him. "Ano ba, mapapaso ako."
"Sus kunwari pa," he chuckles, opening my fridge to help himself with some drinks.
Kung ano ano nalang ang nasa isip ko ngayon. Bakit naman siya pupunta diba? After what happened, if I was him, I wouldn't be too happy with me. Pero kapag pumunta siya, ano naman gagawin niya? Kakausapin niya kaya ako? Or would he ignore me? I wonder what he was doing in London, kaya ba hindi na siya nagparamdam? Kasi naging busy siya.
"Ces."
I look up at Ada when she calls me out. "Ha?"
"Hatdog," sabi niya, chuckling, before she points at the pot in front of me. "Nalulunod na sa sauce yung kutsara oh."
I take out the ladle before it fully sinks and continues stirring. I let out a small breath, trying to calm myself down. So what if he comes, diba? Kapag hindi naman, edi mas mabuti.
"They're on their way!" Demi announces from the living room, stretching her arm, already holding on to a bottle of liquor.
I bite the inside of my cheek and turn off the stove, tapos na rin naman kasi. I walk around the kitchen island, sabay sundot kay Ada. "Inuubos mo ang fries ha," I tell her, but she only smiles guiltily at patuloy pa rin sa pagkain.
I pass by the living room and point at Ada who's sipping on her liquor. "You haven't even had dinner first, umiinom ka na," pagpapangaral ko na parang nanay.
I make my way to my room, taking a sniff at my shirt. I purse my lips nang napagtantong dumikit sa damit ko ang amoy ng mga niluluto. I quickly take off my shirt, replacing it with a white tank top to pair with my black leggings. I don't want to be too dressed up kasi nasa bahay lang naman kami.
I rush to the bathroom, undo my messy ponytail and let my hair flow down. I fix it with my fingers, untangling the subtle knots. I look at myself in the mirror, taking in the entirety of my appearance. There were subtle changes in my skin that only I could notice. My complexion was paler and the bags under my eyes were more visible from the lack of sleep or the excessive crying.
I decided to wash my face. Gusto ko sanang maglagay ng kaunting make up, but I decided not to. I don't want to look dolled up.
When I pass by my vanity, I apply lip balm on my lips and decided to spray some perfume on before I went back out.
Saktong paglabas ko ay tumunog ang doorbell. Biglang kumalabog ang puso ko at dahan dahan akong tumungo sa mga sala. I couldn't help but hold my breath in, pinning my hair behind my ear as I fix my gaze on the door.
Si Demi na ang tumayo at bumukas ng pinto.
I bite the inside of my cheek as I watch the door open.
"Happy birthday,"' Kaleb says as soon as he sees Demi, pressing a kiss on her forehead bago niya ginulo ang buhok ng kaibigan ko. Ang sumunod sa pagpasok ay si Ivan na parang may binigay na regalo kay Demi. I crane my neck, trying to see behind them, pero naisara na ang pintuan nang wala ng ibang pumapasok.
I let out a breath, forcing out a smile to greet the guests. I then make my way to the kitchen, kasi nga may niluluto pa ako.
"Wala naman pala eh," I mutter to myself, transferring the contents of the pot into a ceramic bowl.
"Wala kayong dalang pagkain?" Mahinang tanong ni Ada.
"It's on the way," sagot ni Kaleb, sinusundan si Ada papunta sa sala where they are all gathered.
I guess they ordered food nalang. Wala na sigurong madaanan kanina. Tinitigan ko ang mga na prepare sa counter. The food was ready at parating na rin ang extra na dala ng boys. I thought of joining them pero I decided to start on the dishes nalang, para kasing I have too much energy right now, and I need to expel it somehow.
Nagsisimula na akong maghugas ng kalan nang tumunog ang phone ni Kaleb, "Food's here," he says, sabay tayo at nagtungo sa labas. Sasalubungin siguro ang delivery boy.
Knowing that, nagpalabas ako ng mga karagdagang plato para paglagyan ng pagkain.
"Ayan na," I hear Demi, kaya binilisan ko ang pagpunas sa huling plato.
"Dito nalang sa counter," I say as I turn around, only to find Enzo in my kitchen, standing behind Kaleb. The plate almost slipped from my fingers, good thing I regained my grip on it. I swallow the lump in my throat as I find myself staring eye to eye with him.
Kaleb set the paper bags on the counter at iniwan na kaming dalawa ni Enzo. I look at him as he slowly approaches the counter. His eyes are fixed on me, at first, they raked me from top to bottom, before they returned to my eyes, his own orbs turning a shade darker.
He had always looked at me with so much intensity, but right now parang nag-uumapaw ng kung ano mang emosyon ang mga titig niya sa akin. Even before, I could never really decipher his emotions from his eyes because it was as if they always looked dark by default. He is dangerously handsome as ever. But right now, his stares felt like they carried a brooding intensity.
He draws nearer to me, and the closer he gets the more his perfume plagues my nostrils. My heart is hammering fast against my chest, but the familiarity of his scent somehow sends it into an abrupt calm. It's like it remembers the tranquility that used to come with it.
"Ako na bahala diyan," I say, eyeing the way he put the paper bags on the counter. I try not to look at him anymore, reaching for the food they brought para mailipat ko na sa plato. Kaya lang, when he doesn't move away, I couldn't help but turn to him again.
"Ano?" I ask slowly, afraid to look into his eyes. He was so close, too close for my own good.
He doesn't say anything, instead, he gently places a hand on my back as he leans in to press a kiss on my cheek like he usually does whenever he greets me. My heart is back to beating insanely fast, and I couldn't help but briefly close my eyes.
I allowed myself to indulge for a bit, inhaling his scent. When he moves away, I clear my throat at pinagpatuloy ang ginagawa. From the corner of my eye, I watch him as he backs away hanggang sa tuluyan na siyang naka lapit sa mga kaibigan namin sa living room, greeting Demi.
I release a breath. Hindi ko namalayang hindi na pala ako humihinga until my chest ached. I bite my bottom lip and sigh, transferring the food. Binagalan ko ang ginagawa, giving myself more time to be with myself. To be honest, I have no idea how to approach the situation. Ayaw ko din namang gawing akward ang gabing ito para sa lahat, lalo na at para kay Demi ang selebrasyon na ito.
Nililigpit ko ang mga pinaglagyan ng pagkain ng lumapit na naman si Enzo. Napatingin ako sa kanya, raising my brows, encouraging him to spill out whatever it is that he needs.
"Water," he mutters, moving in closer.
Tumango ako at kumuha ng baso, placing it on the counter before I open the fridge to grab the pitcher. I slide it towards him, and I watch him as he pours it into his glass. Hindi ko mapigilang titigan siya habang umiinom ng tubig. He is wearing a white shirt that fits him so well, paired with dark jeans and white shoes. His hair looks longer, some strands now curtaining over his forehead.
When he finishes, I look away, arranging the plates. He returns to the living room, sitting beside Ivan.
May dala silang barbecue kaya naisipan kong gumawa ng sawsawan. Nagsalin ako ng toyo sa isang bowl, and decided to cut open some calamansi. Muling lumapit si Enzo, taking the glass he used a while ago at muling nagsalin ng tubig. Hindi ko siya tinitignan at patuloy lang sa paghiwa ng mga calamansi, slowly tossing the halves into the bowl.
Bumalik siya ulit ng pangatlong beses para kumuha ng tubig habang naghihiwa ako ng kamatis. I didn't really know how to act with him, kaya hindi ako tumitingin sa kanya at pinagpatuloy ang paghihiwa ng kamatis. I furrow my brows at the thought that crossed my mind though. Pangatlong beses na ito uminon ng tubig ah, wala bang tubig sa London?
I shake my head to shake away my thoughts.
Matapos niyang uminom ng tubig ay hindi na siya umalis sa kinatatayuan dahil lumapit na rin ang mga kasama namin. "I believe, it's time to eat," deklara ni Ada. Napangiti tuloy ako, dahil siya tong kanina pa kain ng kain.
"Ano to?" Tanong ni Leo nang nakalapit, tinuturo ang sawsawan na ginawa ko.
"Sawsawan."
"Sawsawan? Anong klaseng sawsawan 'to? Kamatis at calamansi na may toyo?" sambit ng kaibigan.
I let out an amused breath and roll my eyes, pushing him toward the dining table.
My dining table can only fit six people, kaya after filling my plate ay sa bar stool ng kitchen island ako pumirmi. Katabi lang naman kasi ng lamesa kaya hindi pa rin ako nalalayo sa mga kaibigan ko, nakatalikod nga lang. I was about to start eating when a plate was set beside mine, and when I look up it was Enzo, taking a seat beside me.
I try not to show him my surprise, or how my breath hitched. He doesn't glance at me and he just begins to eat silently. Pinigilan ko na ang sarili na titigan siya kaya kumain na rin ako. I mostly just moved my food around my plate, taking small bites. Lately, talagang wala akong gana kumain. Or maybe because I indulge myself in so much work to do that I forget to eat, kaya nasanay na rin ang tiyan ko na walang laman. It made eating hard.
"Para kayong nagdedate diyan," komento ni Demi, making everyone chuckle.
"Hayaan mo na, they haven't seen each other in weeks," si Leo.
I force out a small smile, returning my attention to my plate.
Beside me, I hear Enzo let out a heavy sigh. From the corner of my eye, I watch him stand up with his plate. Nang bumalik siya ay punong puno na ito. Hindi kaya 'to pinapakain ng maayos sa London? Mukhang gutom na gutom eh. Halos doble doble ang mga nasa plato niya. Pero huli na when I realized that it wasn't just for him.
Napatigil ako nang unti-unti niyang inaabot ang plato ko and begins to transfer food from his plate to mine. I blink a few times, trying to let everything register.
"T-tama na, I'm already full."
He lets out another breath and now glances up at me. His eyes are dark, but now that he's closer, I can somehow see the tiredness hiding behind his irises. Kakauwi nga lang pala niya from London, at dumiretso pa dito. I can only imagine how tired he is right now.
"You barely ate anything, Celeste," he says, nakakunot ang noo na tinutulak ang plato pabalik sa akin. "Eat," he says, "you've lost so much weight."
I purse my lips, staring at the fullness of my plate. My eyes then wandered to my wrists, staring at how thin they have become. My candle-like fingers looked thinner and longer. I am aware that I got a little bit thinner because my clothes are somehow getting loose, but I didn't think it was that noticeable, lalo na at wala namang ibang nakakapansin.
When everyone started to get up from the table after they finished eating, my senses just kicked it. Tumayo na rin ako para kunin ang mga plato nila, kaya lang Enzo beat me to it. He gently placed a hand on my arm, pulling me back as he stands up.
"Finish your food," he says, taking his own plate at tinanggap na rin ang plato ni Leo na akmang kukunin ko sana kanina. Tahimik niyang dinala ito sa lababo, kinukuha ang iba pa galing sa mga kaibigan namin.
"Hmm, ikaw taga-luto, tapos siya taga-hugas. Mag-asawa yan?" Bulong ni Leo sa akin, binibigyan ako ng isang malapad na ngiti habang papalayo siya.
"I'll get the movie started," Demi announces, binibitbit na ang mga snacks na hinanda ko kanina patungo sa sala. Tinulungan na rin siya ni Ivan. Now that I'm looking at them, napagtanto ko kung ano kulang na parang kanina ko hinahanap. They haven't fought even once simula noong dumating si Ivan. Parang nakakapanibago na hindi sila nagbabangayan.
I raise a brow as I look at them from afar, magkatabi habang pumipili si Demi ng movie.
When Enzo clears his throat, napatingin ako sa kanya. Tapos na yata siyang maghugas at ngayon ay nakatingin na sa akin. He leaning against the sink, looking at me from across the kitchen island. He eyes the food on my plate, halos hindi ko pa napapangalahatian.
I let out a breath and started eating, forcing myself to swallow the food. Parang hindi na ako sanay na kumain ng ganito ka dami, I'm having a hard time finishing it. "Ang dami dami naman kasi nito," I complain softly, pero narinig niya pa rin.
"That's not even much, Celeste."
Napabuntong hinga nalang ako ulit, nginunguya ang pagkain habang nakatitig sa akin si Enzo. Para siyang tatay na nagbabantay sa anak na pihikang kumain.
Celeste. My name always sounded chilling when it came from his mouth, but this time, the way he said it carried an icy feeling to it. O baka naman dahil hindi naman ako sanay na buong pangalan ko ang tinatawag niya. He called me Tala more than he called me Celeste. I guess that's it.
Hindi ko maipagkaila ang pangungulila na matawag na Tala. He's the only one who calls me that, Tala. When he said it, it felt like I was literally a star, a lone star in his galaxy.
I let out another sigh, shoving more food into my mouth.
When I finally finished, I looked up at him, gently pushing the plate to show him that I'd finished it.
He pushed himself against the sink and straightened up. He grabs a glass and fills it with water before handing it to me. He then takes my plate away at tumalikod na para hugasan ito. I study him while he has his back on me. As always, he looks so misplaced in my kitchen. Ang laki niya kasing tao---tall, muscular, and has broad shoulders.
"Ces, dali na kayo! The movie is starting," tawag sa amin ni Demi.
I take my glass with me and make my way to the living room, and I can feel Enzo's presence following right behind me. My couch is L-shaped, fronting a huge TV screen mounted on a wall. Sa likod ng upuan are my floor-to-ceiling windows na ngayon ay natatakpan ng kurtina.
Everyone was seated on the couch, with Ivan at the far end, then Demi, Ada, Kaleb, and then Leo. The only space left was on the other end, fit for Enzo and I. Ayaw ko sanang katabi siya, pero wala naman akong choice. I don't want to make it a big deal even, kaya umupo nalang ako, medyo mas malapit kay Leo. Kaya lang, halos dumikit na rin sa akin si Enzo nang umupo ito sa tabi ko.
He was so close to me, our arms brushing against each other. I fix my eyes on the screen, crossing my arms over my chest. Dumaan sa harap ko ang beer iniaabot ni Kaleb kay Enzo, the smell of it flowing in my nostrils, mixing with the scent of his signature perfume. Wala pa akong naiinom, but I already feel intoxicated.
I try to focus on the screen as the movie started, pero hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili na mapansin ang katabi ko. He was cracking his neck side to side, hinahagod ang likod ang ulo. Ramdam ko ang pagod niya.
I swallow and purse my lips, letting out a breath before I turn to him slightly.
"Sana hindi ka nalang pumunta kung pagod ka," I say quietly, looking straight at the TV.
"I'm not tired," he replies softly.
Tumikhim ako nang maramdamang umuusog siya lalo palapit, our arms now pressed against each other.
"I just got back from London," he starts, his voice almost a whisper. "I went for a month-long workshop. Then I spent a week or so on a business venture. I also went out to look for materials for my plane."
I don't know why it's like he's giving me an update, but I just nod my head. I try to fix my gaze on the screen before us, adjusting my crossed arms.
I hear him let out another breath, and then he suddenly rests his chin on my shoulder. My heart skipped a beat at the contact, pounding against my chest. It is beating so hard, I wonder if he can hear it.
"I missed you," he whispers, and suddenly I could no longer hear anything else but that, and it replays in my head for a hundred times.
I don't know how to respond to that, so I remain quiet. Alangan namang sabihin ko "I missed you too."
Hindi ko naiintindihan ang nararamdaman. My emotions are all over the place. I can't deny na oo masaya ako na nandito siya. To see him again brought back this life in me. But it also made me sad. How could he remain so nice to me when I've made it known that I was only using him? It made me sad dahil gustong gusto ko ito, itong nandito siya sa tabi ko. I liked the way he sees me, how he can tell that there is something wrong, and how he wants to solve it.
Pero natatakot akong sumandal sa kanya. I don't want to lean and end up falling and crashing and breaking.
Natatakot ako dahil gustong gusto ko ang ganito. Na nandito siya. Natatakot ako dahil masyado siyang mabait at baka nandito lang siya dahil mabait lang siya sa akin. Natatakot ako na baka gusto niya rin ito. Natatakot ako na baka ako lang ang makakasira sa kanya.
Me and my demons might just suck the life out of him and I don't want that.
To me, he is like a white canvas and I am menacing black paint.
Nang tumunog ang cellphone ko ay agad ko itong kinuha mula sa coffee table. Marahang bumagsak ang ulo ni Enzo ng gumalaw ako palayo, pero hindi ko na siya binigyang pansin ng makita ang caller ID.
Agad akong tumayo at tumungo sa kwarto ko. Bihira lang tumawag ang Nanay Libet ko, kaya dali dali ko itong sinagot.
"Nay?" I say, catching Enzo's stare at me as I slowly close the door.
"Ces, anak?" sagot ng matanda sa kabilang linya.
"Po? Napatawag po kayo?"
"Anak, may sasabihin ako sayo ha. Huwag ka sanang mabibigla." I almost wanted to snort. Itong biglaang pagtawag pa lang niya ay nabigla na nga ako.
"Ang mama mo, wala na."
Natigilan ako bigla. Mama ko? Wala na? Like, she died? Kumalabog ang dibdib ko kaya kinalaingan kong maupo sa kama. My knees suddenly gave way, my legs feeling like jelly. As if ice was being poured from the top of my head, my body started to get cold.
"Mama ko po? Si mommy? Ano pong ibig niyong sabihin sa wala na? Is mommy okay? Did something happen?"
"Hindi, nak. Ang totoo mong mama."
It took me a while to process what she just said until it all just made sense. Ang totoo kong mama---my real mom, my biological mother. The mother I haven't met all my life.
And she is now dead.
A heavy breath escapes from my lips, my shoulders succumbing to gravity. I don't how to react, and I suddenly feel so lost and numb. Ni hindi ko nga malaman kung ano ang isasagot ko kay nanay.
"Uh. . . ganoon po ba," I mutter slowly, in a daze.
"Oo, ang alam ko bukas ang libing. Sorry ngayon lang ako nakatawag, nak. Ayaw kasing ipasabi ng mommy at daddy mo sayo 'to. Pero hindi talaga kaya ng konsensya ko na hindi mo malaman. I-tetext ko nalang sa iyo kung may makuha akong impormasyon ha. Baka mahuli na ako."
I didn't get a chance to say anything else when my old nanny ended the call. Tulala ko nalang tinitigan ang cellphone ko, trying to process everything i just found out. I can't get a hold of my emotions for some reason. I feel lost like I don't know what to do, or how to react. There is this silence in my soul, a chill in my blood. I can't quite decipher if the numbness is from coldness or from pain far too painful to even feel.
My mother just died. And I don't know if I'm actually grieving for it. How do I even grieve for someone I have never met in my life?
My chest feels heavy, and my head, light. I lean backward until my back is laying flat against the soft mattress of my bed. I stare at the ceiling above me---white and blank, just like my thoughts right now.
I feel this quietness within me. A pause of some sort as I try to feel my emotions change their gear.
I don't know how long I stared at the ceiling, maybe an hour, maybe two.
I turn my head sharply when the door suddenly opens aggressively, air sweeping in as the door swings. Si Enzo ang bumungad sa akin, nakakunot ang noo as he watched me with his darkened eyes. He had light-colored hazel eyes, but for some reason, they always looked dark.
"Are you okay?" he says, storming in, raking my entirety with his orbs, inspecting me. "You've been here for an hour. Akala ko kung na pano ka na," he hisses, his chest heaving up ang down.
"Are you hurt? Are you sick?" Sunod sunod ang tanong niya habang palapit ng palapit.
"I'm. . . okay."
For some reason, ang hirap sabihin na okay lang ako ngayon.
I slowly push myself up to sit, kasabay nito ang pag lapat ni Enzo ng kamay niya sa noo ko, trying to feel for a fever. Hinawi ko ang kamay niya, looking up at him. "I'm fine," I say, but I can see the way he looks at me, like he isn't a bit convinced that I am.
Napabalikwas ako ng tingin sa labas ng may parang bumagsak.
"What's going on?" tanong ko kasabay ng pagtayo ko, making my way out of the room.
"Birthday girl got a little too drunk," Enzo mutters as he follows behind me.
"What?" Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang nakita ang kaibigang sumasayaw-sayaw na, clearly intoxicated. Magka-hawak kamay pa sila ni Ada na tumatalon-talon sa sofa ko, laughing and giggling. Kaleb and Ivan were standing guard close to them, as if ready to catch them if ever they fell off.
Ada seems to be just a little tipsy, pero sinasabayan na rin din si Demi, who had it bad. I was confused though, we don't even have hard liquor. But then again, isang oras nga rin akong nawala. But surely, they wouldn't have gotten this drunk even with a few cans of beer within the hour.
"Ces!" Halos lumipad na si Demi ng tumalon ito mula sa upuan papunta sa akin. She jumps and skips and flails her arms before she wraps them around me. Napangiwi ako sa amoy ng alak na nakadikit sa kanya.
Her weight was all on me kaya napayakap na rin ako sa kanya, cradling her as she buries her head against me, giggling.
"Napano to?" I mouth at Leo who was shaking his head in disbelief, natatawa na rin sa pinaggagawa ng kaibigan namin.
"Bacardi pala laman ng hydroflask," he mutters, eyeing the now empty water bottle lying on the floor. I could only let out a small breath as I roll my eyes, holding Demi tighter as she starts to feel heavier against me. Very typical of Demi to defy my orders. Nagbilin kasi ako na bawal ang hard liquor because I didn't want anyone drunk because it was a school night and frankly because I don't like the smell of alcohol sticking on my furniture.
"Ano ka ba," I mutter, "smuggling hard liquor in my household."
She giggles, hugging me tighter. "Sorry mom," she says in a slurry. I feel her let out a heavy sigh. "You act like my mom."
Lalong humigpit ang hawak niya sa akin. "I miss my mom, Ces." That alone made my heart break for her.
"Just for the last time, I want her to hold my hand. I want her to brush my hair before I sleep, gaya noong bata pa ako. I want her to scold me when I come home late from a night of partying. Heck, I want to have petty fights with her over everything. I want her to cook for me. To hug me. Just one last time, I want to see her."
There is this pang of pain in my heart as I listen to Demi, and somehow, the pain feels doubled. Parang doble doble akong sinasaksak. I bite my bottom lip as I feel the heat behind my eyes.
"I know," I tell her, running my hand over her back.
"Some of us even want to have that for the first time," I whisper.
I wanted it. I know I always had that longing, but I never really acknowledged that avenue of my emotions. I longed for care, attention, and love, but I never really specified it to come from my real mom. Maybe because I see no point of it given that it was highly unlikely, or baka dahil may tampo ako sa nanay kong iniwan ako. I was told she left me because she chose her career, but a part of me wondered if she did it because she thought I'd be in better, more capable hands.
If it was the latter, I wanted to tell her that she was wrong. Yes, I was raised lavishly, but if she thought I'd be loved, then she was wrong.
Anyhow, she left me, whatever the real reason may be.
A part of me understood, that she was young and had dreams or that she was scared and didn't know how to raise a child.
But there is also a part of me that wished na sana kinaya niya, to balance motherhood and a career---many have succeeded in this---or to raise me on her own, with all of whatever she has.
That's what I would do. If I were left to raise a child on my own. I would give all of me, all of what I have and what I can acquire, to raise it well.
Siguro baka hindi ako talagang nangulila because I was complacent, in a way, dahil umaasa ako na baka darating din ang panahon namin. Maybe I was stuck up in a dream that a time would come for us, when the world has finished its challenges for me and it finally bears me favor.
But now? She is gone. And it is slowly sinking in to me, that a time for the two of us would never be a reailty.
Nawala na ang pagkakataon ko, dahil wala na siya.
Now, all of the what ifs will remain as that. I will continue to long for something I can never experience for all of eternity.
I feel my grief slowly flowing in as I listen to my friend long for one last moment with her mother, and here I am longing for just one first moment.
I also want a mother to hold my hand, to brush my hair. I want to have petty fights over anything. I want to have a homecooked meal made by the hands who made me.
I want a hug, just one.
Hindi naman ako madamot na tao, kahit isang beses lang naman ang sinisigaw ng mga tahimik na kahilingan ko.
And now, I'll be having none of that.
I can't believe the world also deprived me of this one chance.
I can feel the pain in my throat as I stifle an impending cry. I do not want them to see my tears. I do not want to shadow Demi's grief with mine.
I let out a shaky breath as I continue to run my hand over her back.
"I should take her home," Ivan finally decides to come forward, gathering Demi into his arms. Pumulupot kaagad ang mga braso ng kaibigan ko sa lalaki, letting him usher her away.
"Thanks for the celebration, I'm sure she loved it," he tells me, as he takes her away with him, slowly gathering her things from the couch all the while encapsulating her body with his in a protective hold.
"Iuuwi ko na rin 'to," Leo gestures to Ada who is now sprawled over my couch, mukhang patulog na. He was about to pull her up when Kaleb instead gathers her body and carries her bridal style.
I was in a daze as goodbyes and thank yous were exchanged. The moment I close the door in front of me, napasandal ko ang noo ko doon, letting out a breath.
I feel it now. The grief. I'm just not sure what kind. It could be due to the death of my mother, or maybe I'm grieving for myself because of the missed chance. Whatever it is, I feel it now---the pain, pure unequivocal pain.
"Are you okay?"
I sharply turn around, only to find Enzo still inside my unit. He was in the middle of picking up the empty cans from the table, looking at me with his furrowed brows.
I swallow the painful lump in my throat, evidently surprised to see him here still. It is painful, to abruptly supress the cry that's been crawling and scratching it's way out, but I don't want him to see me break. Not him.
"W-what are you still doing here?" I ask him.
"Cleaning," he says, shoving trash in a black bag that I'm sure he got from my kitchen drawer.
"Hindi mo naman kailangan gawin 'yan," I say, taking a step forward. I feel frustrated because I want to be left alone, I want to cry, and also because the sight of him makes my heart hurt more. I am looking at him, thinking of everything I have lost and have been deprived of, while he is showing me a personification of what I think I don't deserve.
"J-Just g-go," I manage to croak out.
He doesn't say a thing and continues to clean, ignoring me. I bite my bottom lip. This stubborn man! Gusto kong agawin ang trash bag at itulak siya palabas, but the strength in me is slowly being eaten away by the influx of emotions I could never handle.
Everything is just too much right now. I have lost something today, and here I am looking at something or someone that is beyond what I am worth to gain.
My heart hurts.
My chest hurts, and I can feel the scream boiling up through my throat. My lungs are pushing the air out, and I find myself unable to take more in.
I bite the inside of my cheeks, forcing my legs to take me away. I scramble across the living room, making my way to my room, but everything is just so painful I can't help but stop.
Napahawak ako sa dingding, my other hand grasping my chest as I try to get some air. It's like my lungs are bargaining with me. They'd let me breathe the moment I let them expel the cries that have been obstructing them.
I can't help it anymore.
The moment a sob leaves my lips, I hear Enzo's shuffling stop. There is a silence that dares to leave me deaf. I don't want him to see me this way but I turn around anyway. My jaw is locked shut as I struggle for air, and my cries forcefuly come out in pained squeaks, and my tears race each other across my cheeks.
"Shit," I hear him mutter, but I am unsure as my legs have started to lose strength and I am sinking down to the floor. I wrap my arms around myself---the only remedy I know.
But before I could even drown, I am enveloped by strong arms, anchoring me, cradling me as I break into pieces, as if making sure the pieces of me won't stray away so I can keep myself together.
"Hey," I hear Enzo whisper. "It's alright," he says.
He wraps his arms around me tight, so tight like he was preventing me from dismantling. His warmth radiates from him, engulfing me in a warm comfort as he rocks me.
There is this loud ringing in my ears, and yet his voice manages to break through that chaos.
"Breathe," he keeps whispering, "breathe for me, Tal."
And it only took that for me to finally breathe out a loud cry, a deafening manifestation of my pain. Loud sobs ride along the waves of every breath that come in and out of me, and the amount of tears streaming down my face doubles.
I cry and cry until the pain in my chest subsides, my cries bouncing off the walls. I continue to break, and Enzo continues to keep me together, holding me tight as he cradles and rocks me, whispering in my ear, lulling me.
I don't even notice how I'm aggressively grabbing hold of the neckline of his shirt until I see my knuckles turning white. I am holding on to him like my life depends on me, that if he lets go of me I'd break into a puddle on the floor.
"It's okay," he continues to whisper, "I'm here. I'm not leaving you baby."
*************
hello, lengthy update because it's been a while. gurlie's got to graduate haha. eh-knee-ways, i hope this sates the few of you who enjoy this story. i'd appreciate your feedback huehue it fuels me to keep writing.
lots of love, lila