jake: The floor is lava!
kingsley: *helps donald onto the counter*
jimmy: *kicks forrest off the sofa*
wolf: *lays on the floor*
jake: ...Are you okay?
wolf: no
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Squad reactions to being called straight:
donald: The fuck, no I'm not.
kingsley: Excuse the hell out of you?
jake: Ding dong, you are wrong!
forrest: Who told you that? And why did they lie?
jimmy: Rude.
wolf: *punches the person*
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kingsley to jake, who's about to get married: Today, two families are becoming one.
wolf, in an ominous voice: Two families enter, one family leaves.
donald: That sounds so threatening...
forrest: The Wedding Games...
jimmy: May the bouquet toss be ever in your favor.
jake: Beautiful.
kingsley: Fuck all of you!
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donald, at kingsley: You're my significant other.
kingsley: Yeah I am!
donald, at wolf: You're my child.
wolf: Yes boss.
donald, at forrest: You're my bitch.
forrest: Yeah I am- wait, what?
donald, at jake: My bestie.
jake: Naturally.
donald, jimmy: HA, GAY!
jimmy: Fuck you.
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wolf: Fine! Judge all you want but...
wolf, points at jake: Married a lesbian.
wolf, points at kingsley: Left a man at the altar.
wolf, points at donald: Fell in love with a gay ice dancer.
wolf, points at jimmy: Threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire.
wolf, points at forrest: Lives in a box!
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jake: From now on we will be using code names.
jake: You can address me as Eagle One.
jake: donald is "been there done that".
jake: jimmy is "currently doing that".
jake: forrest is "it happened once in a dream".
jake: kingsley is "if I had to pick a dude/gal/enby".
jake: And wolf is..
jake: Eagle Two
wolf: Oh thank god.
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wolf: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you.
jimmy: That's great, wolf. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 6 fucking years.
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jimmy: That was so hot, wolf.
wolf: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenterate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets.
jimmy: I'm so in love with you.
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wolf: Relationships should be 50/50. jimmy cooks us dinner while I sit on the kitchen counter looking pretty.
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jimmy: Are you ready to commit?
wolf: Like, a crime or a relationship?
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jimmy: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy.
wolf: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep.
jimmy: I said within reason, wolf. How about I murder that guy?
wolf: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't?
jimmy: Well, duh. What kind of question is that?
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jimmy walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: wolf, I love you but, what the h-e-double FUCK.
wolf, sipping coffee happily: I love you too :)
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wolf: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.
jimmy: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.
wolf: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??
jimmy: Is it working?
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wolf: Look, last night was a mistake.
jimmy: A sexy mistake.
wolf: No, just a regular mistake.
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wolf: I owe you one.
jimmy: That's ok. You can just date me and we'll call it even.
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wolf: Wow, jimmy, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.
jimmy: We literally slept together yesterday.
wolf: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.
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wolf: How do I tell jimmy that I want them to yell at me like they're Gordon Ramsay and I'm a poor little chef who just ruined a crème brûlée?
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jimmy: Do you want to know your gay name?
wolf: My... my gay name?
jimmy: Yeah, it's your first name-
wolf: Haha. Very funny jimmy-
jimmy: *gets down on one knee* And my last name.
wolf: Oh- oh my god.
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jimmy: I was going to suggest we do Marilyn Monroe and JFK roleplay, but I'd get way too into it.
wolf: What- how?
jimmy: You'd be like "come to bed ... Mr. President" and I'd be like, "I need to increase the amount of American military advisors in South Vietnam by a factor of 18."
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jimmy: Imagine being under 5'4'' and thinking you have rights lol couldn't be me.
wolf: You wanna keep those kneecaps you better stfu
jimmy: I'm sorry, I can't hear you from all the way down there, can you repeat that?
wolf: I SAID FUCK YOU BITCH
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wolf: I am not out of control! I'm a law abiding citizen!
jimmy: Really? Name one law
wolf: Don't kill people?
jimmy: That's on me. I set the bar too low.
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wolf: Jail is no fun, I'll tell you that.
jimmy: You've been?
wolf: Once...in Monopoly.
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wolf: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning.
jimmy: This is a lie.
jimmy: I'm literally dating him. This is a lie.
jimmy: HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS.
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wolf: I'm 10 times funnier and sexier than you
jimmy: 10 times 0 is still 0 though
wolf: Jokes on you, I can't do math
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wolf: Sorry it took me so long to bail you out of jail
jimmy: No it's my fault, I shouldn't've used my one phone call to prank call the police
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wolf: You fuckers don't know about my knife stick. It's a knife taped to a stick and it's the ultimate weapon.
jimmy, not looking up from their book: Spear.
wolf: BLOCKED.
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wolf: I turned out perfectly fine!
jimmy: wolf, this morning you thought a ghost made your toast
wolf: I DIDN'T PUT THE BREAD IN! YOU DIDN'T PUT THE BREAD IN!!!
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jimmy: I'm in love with you.
wolf: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.
jimmy: I know.
wolf: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-
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jimmy: You're the sweetest candything in all of the universe. Sprinkles of sugar on my tasters.
wolf: jimmy, are you drunk?
jimmy: Would you arrest me if I was?
wolf: No.
jimmy: You're so polite.
wolf: Well, thank you. So, how much have you had to drink?
jimmy: A baby and a half dozen of babies.
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wolf: We're going mattress shopping.
jimmy: You know, once we get it, we'll have to break it in.
wolf: Oh, I hear what you're saying. Mattress trampoline.
jimmy:
wolf: Wait, no. You were talking about sex.
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jimmy: I feel like doing something stupid.
wolf: I'm stupid, do me.
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jimmy: As top in this relationship, I think we should-
wolf: I can't believe you're pulling rank on me.
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hiii
byeee