Hi, note from the author here! I just want to say that this is the first time I am writing a book in the order I want to, if that makes sense? I'm writing each chapter as I feel the inspiration to write it rather than writing the story in order (and this is very new for me). I feel like my writing is better because I actually want to write what I am writing, but I do think this will lead to a lot more continuity errors, sorry!! I hope that is okay? Please let me know if you notice any, because I clearly didn't if I hit publish. I just really like this style of writing, I feel a lot more passion and less force, but just let me know what you think! Thank you guys, and thank you for reading the story in general, it means a lot to me! Love you <3 <3 <3!!
Natasha and I had just returned to the tower, her driving was a bit more in control on the return trip, but we stayed a healthy twenty miles an hour above the speed limit nearly the whole trip. We were trying hard to keep our hands off of each other, having to end our kiss quickly in the parking lot given the fear we had of people finding out, especially now since if any word got to Bruce, the damage could be catastrophic. That being said, it was incredibly hard given that we had just confessed the fact that we both loved each other.
We were walking up the stairs and going to Natasha's preferred lounge. There were several throughout the tower, but Natasha liked the one on the nighty first floor, it had one of the best views and a bar stocked with Natasha's favorite drinks. Tony had designed at least one specific lounge for each of the Avengers, small details that made it so each of us felt at home. Natasha's lounge had only one entry point, an incredibly large bookcase (it was more of a library than a lounge), weapons hidden all around the room, and somehow the couches were cozier than any others in the tower.
"So," I could tell by her tone she wasn't going to continue our previous conversation and it would be a rather serious conversation. "Now I just have to text Bruce and set up a date," I could tell she was already filled with dread.
I felt horrible that she was the one who had to go through this, I would take her place if I could. "If you want, I could come crashing in during the middle of it and say there was a terrible accident."
A smile crept across her face as she pictured it, "as much as I would absolutely love to, I'm nervous with how touchy he was earlier today. He was flaring green at the thought of me saying no, he was so close to the edge I don't want to play with fire."
"Natasha, you are the number one person who I would guess to play with fire," I poked her in the shoulder as I walked behind her. She batted my hand away as she sunk into the couch with a sigh, "but I would agree, we should tread lightly with him." She would always take risks, especially with her own safety, so I was glad she was seeing sense on this one, even if it wasn't out of self preservation. I would take what I could get.
"I'll just get it over with before we go on our mission and use our time on the beach to recover," she winked at me while I started the coffee maker. The bar was also a coffee bar, thank goodness, another reason I was more than happy to hang out here.
She grabbed her phone and started to text, narrating what she typed out loud, "Hey Bruce... would tomorrow night around 19:00 work for you?"
"He gets so bothered when we text in military time," I laughed.
"I know, that's why I did it," she smirked, hitting send. Natasha took lots of satisfaction in driving people insane over small details. For some reason, it made me love her more.
Nat P.O.V.
"So, what made you pick the Caribbean?" Steve asked, sitting on the recliner with his legs propped up. He had decided to join me in the lounge and the two of us were alone right now. Three of the other Avengers were around the tower (and Stark had security cameras in every room, not that he spied on us, but the risk was there), so we couldn't be too careful. I so badly wanted to be cuddling in his arms right now and I could tell that the feeling was mutual, but there would be ample time for that on our mission.
"I don't know, I've just been dying to go to a beach," I sat down and handed him a cup of coffee while I sipped my own drink, a diet coke. He smiled, Steve would always appreciate a cup of coffee, and I felt like it was the least I could do after all the stress I was putting him through. I always felt indebted to him, not that he ever felt like I owed him, but I just felt guilty for being in a relationship with such a wonderful guy when I clearly didn't deserve him.
"Then I'm glad we're going, you deserve some nice beach time after that mission in Greenland," he reminded me. It was true, there was an explosion at my safehouse while I had been out and all I was left with for the rest of the mission were the clothes on my body (which were not suitable for negative fifty degree weather) and while I can handle the cold no problem, I still get ill afterwards if I am exposed for too long. Steve had made me warm soup and took wonderful care of me (while I complained the whole time, I was not overly friendly when I was sick).
I came over and and pretended like I was reading his phone over his shoulder and whispered in his ear, "I'm excited for some beach time with you," I so badly wanted to kiss him but I couldn't be too careful around the tower, "and I love you," I beamed as I walked over to the bookshelf and grabbed the novel I was halfway through with. I turned back to see his face blushing red and a wicked smile.
"You like saying that, don't you?" He tilted his head a bit.
"What? That I love you?" I questioned, my voice dropping a bit softer on the L word, paranoid that some audio surveillance would pick it up. I would always be a bit more anxious around such high security places.
"Yes," he sipped the coffee trying desperately to stop grin.
"I do," I smirked back, taking up a comfortable position on the couch. My legs dangling over the arm while my back was twisted enough to still be supported. It was one of the most comfortable positions for me, it stretched my lower back and hips nicely, and most people would assume it hurt, their assumptions couldn't be further from the truth. It used to freak Steve out a bit (and Barton too, a long time ago) but they got used to it. On one occasion, I got Clint to try it, and he complained of a pulled muscle for weeks on end.
"I like saying it too," he leaned closer to me and whispered, "I love you."
Oh, I was definitely blushing at this point. I turned my attention back to my book to try and hide it, but I knew he saw it as well. I heard him snicker and return his attention to his phone to read his book from the Kindle app.
"Steve," I asked without looking up, but I could tell his focus snapped to me. I wanted to tell him that my mind was racing about this whole Bruce thing so badly that I couldn't focus on the words on the page. I wanted to admit that I was scared right now, but I finally looked up and saw his face, he had a question in his eyes, but a smile on his lips. I realized quickly that I couldn't tell him that, I didn't want to see his smile drop and I didn't want to admit to him I was nervous.
"Nat?" He asked, I must have been silent for longer than I thought.
"Nothing, sorry, I forgot," I shook my head and turned my head back to the words on the page. I felt his gaze linger on me, he didn't completely believe it, but after a moment he returned his gaze to his phone. I had my fingers crossed that he would forget about it quickly, but a little voice in the back of my head knew Steve wouldn't, he'd worry for a bit longer. He did that with me.
"You sure everything is okay," he inquired, neither of us looking up from our books, both trying to be casual.
"Yes, I just wanted to make sure that you're okay going to the Caribbean, I feel bad because it's the one I wanted to go on, you didn't get a say," I quickly made something up, but it wasn't completely untrue. I had been feeling a tad guilty about that.
"Nat," he quickly put his phone down, "first of all, I don't think anyone can complain about going to a beach with their girlfriend. I am very excited to go to the Caribbean, and just because you picked it and it makes you happy, does not mean that it makes me unhappy. We can both be happy," he smiled, which was a concept I had been struggling with for a bit.
"Alright," I agreed, he definitely had bought the lie. I mean, not a full lie, but it still wasn't the truth. I didn't like lying to him, and a small part of me wished he knew I was faking it. Just so I couldn't get away with it.
Steve P.O.V.
We read in silence for a while after that. I was enjoying a particularly good historical fiction novel while Nat was still reading her fantasy book. I watched as she turned the pages, two flips forward and two flips back to the original page. Her eyes weren't even scanning the page, she was basically looking through the book, she wasn't okay. Beyond that, I could just feel it from her, something was wrong. When I pressed, she dodged the real problem, but I let it slide. She was avoiding it, and I wouldn't push. She could tell me when she was ready, and I would be there for her whenever that time came, but in the meantime nothing would stop me from supporting her in other ways.
She stayed in the chair for another ten minutes before she slammed the book closed, another odd behavior for her, she was usually incredibly overprotective of her favorite books. She walked it over to the shelf again and I kept fighting the urge to ask where she was going.
She was almost to the door when I couldn't take it anymore, "where are you headed?" I tried to ask as casually as possible.
She paused and froze, just for a fraction of the second but it was enough for me to notice. "I'm headed to train for a bit," she turned to look at me. I could see the storm clouds forming in her eyes, I could see her trying to hold it all together. She could hold it together, she could always hold it together, but it was an act.
"Can I join?" I had no desire to train, I was still sore from the last time we trained, but I didn't want her to be alone right now.
She looked torn between wanting me to come and not, she was weighing the costs and benefits of both sides. "If you want," she turned and left without a second glance.
I knew the cold shoulder wasn't from any anger at me, but frustration at the situation. She was backed into a corner by Bruce, and she hated it. She hated everything about being controlled and told what to do, and I could already see it eating at her. She didn't need to train more, her body and my own needed rest, but if I went along maybe I could try to keep her from causing herself too much damage. I went up to my room to change and quickly meet her down in the training room.
I was still too late.
I walked into the training room and found her absolutely demolishing a punching bag. She was loosing all her strength into her punches, her hands were unbound and her knuckles were dripping blood down her arms and all over the bag. "Natasha!" I called out, but she didn't stop, I couldn't tell if she was ignoring me or in such a trance she couldn't process anything else.
I ran up to her, "Nat!" I was in her field of vision now but she wasn't looking at me, she wasn't looking at anything. "NAT!" I couldn't get to her through this trance.
I hated it, but I grabbed her from behind into me and pulled her into my embrace. She struggled and fought hard, thrashing so violently I had to hold tighter to keep from dropping her. She was basically growling at me, still in this trance, "shhhh, Nat, easy," I spoke right into her ear.
It took a while for her to finally stop fighting, her legs going out from under her. I was already supporting her so I just held her closer to me and lowered her to the floor. "Easy Nat, there you go," I hummed.
She was shaking so violently, it was like she was fighting to get out of my hold again, but she was leaning into me at the same time. "This okay?" I still asked, just wanting to make sure this hold was okay with her.
She just nodded her head, now fighting to keep her tears from falling. "It's okay, you can cry," I tried to encourage her, I knew that sometimes she felt like she couldn't.
At that, the tears began to fall faster and the shaking from holding them in turned into small sobs. Then that turned into hyperventilating, "Nat, take it easy," I tried to comfort her, sitting her up a bit more so breathing would be easier.
"Sorry," she fumbled the word out, reigning her breathing and tears back into control, "sorry, sorry."
"Natasha, you don't have anything to be sorry for," I felt so bad for her that she felt like she owed me an apology for showing emotions, "emotions are good."
She huffed a laugh in disbelief.
"Emotions are like a wave, eventually they will reach the shore," I had heard this metaphor before, "we're all just out there trying to learn how to surf them the right way."
"The wrong way being punching a bag into oblivion?" She held up her hands for emphasis.
"The wrong way being not wrapping your hands before so you don't get hurt," I amended. I took her hands in my own and looked them over, "shit Nat," it wasn't awful, but it wasn't pretty either.
"Sorry," she hummed, turning her face away in embarrassment.
"You don't need to be sorry," I reminded her. But I also knew that for her, apologizing was a way to cope. It made her feel better, so while she had absolutely nothing to feel bad for, I understood why she kept doing it. "I'm going to grab the med kit," I told her and she maneuvered herself out of my lap.
"Ya, I should clean up the mess," she stood up, clearly embarrassed about what had happened.
"No, you sit, I've got it," I insisted, I just wanted her to just relax for a bit. I turned my head over my shoulder to see her indeed sitting, but not looking happy about it or relaxed. I would take what I could get.
I reached the counter with the med kit in the drawer and grabbed a few pieces of gauze, some antibiotic cream, two rolls of self adhesive wrap, medical tape, and scissors. I brought them all back to her and found her fidgeting with the new wounds, "Nat, stop that," I lightly scolded as I sat myself down in front of her.
"Ya, ya," she hummed me off. She had a bad habit of poking and prodding at her cuts and bruises.
I took one of her hands and brought it to rest on my knee, "okay, let me know if anything hurts," I said as I started to dab off the excess blood around from the actual wound as well as inspect it. It wasn't horrible and would heal in a few days if she stayed on top of caring for it properly, but it would hurt.
When I was satisfied that it was clean, I gently rubbed the antibiotic cream on it with a clean sheet of gauze, being careful not to cause her any more pain. I knew my own prodding of the raw skin would hurt her, but she didn't let on. She wouldn't. I just kept going as carefully as I could, watching to make sure she was okay with it. I wrapped it lightly enough it wouldn't mess with her circulation, but tightly enough it would hold the bandaging in place. "Okay, is that good?" I asked.
"Perfect, are you sure you weren't an army nurse?" She laughed lightly as she inspected it, and it was rather fine work if I do say so myself... which I do.
"Maybe I should have gone for that," I huffed back, "alright, next hand," I gestured for her to give me her next one. She did, but rolled her eyes. "What?" I asked, then turned my attention to her hand.
"You're such a mother-hen, it's not bad," she argued.
"I don't care, I love you and you're in pain, I'm going to help you," I gave her a soft smile as I broke my focus on her hand to look at her face.
She was smiling and blushing a bit, but clearly trying to cover it up. "I love you too," she grinned right back, cupping my face with her freshly bandaged hand, "a lot," she pulled me forward a bit and leaned in to kiss me, I smiled as I closed my eyes, but before our lips met, she pulled back. "Fuck," she whispered, I was instantly worried I had hurt her hand, but I saw her gaze go right to where the security cameras were in the room. "Shit, shit," she started to panic and curse.
"Nat, Nat," I tried to ease, and when she looked at me, I saw panic in her eyes, "it's okay, let's finish bandaging you up and then we can go scrub the footage."
"We don't have time," she shook her head and stood up fast. I wanted to pull her back down so I could finish working on her hand, but she was out of my reach faster than I could react. She was typing furiously on her phone in one hand while also grabbing the equipment cleaner.
"Here, let me clean it," I offered, I didn't want her to get the cleaner in her wounds.
"I've got it, you need to go," Nat's eyes were wide as she strategized her way out of this, "if he saw that, we'd have a code green already. You need to go in case someone comes in here."
I grabbed another spray bottle of the cleaner, "I've got the cleaning, you focus on the footage," I insisted. She paused for a second as she realized my way was faster.
"I'm sorry," she shook her head while turning her attention back to the phone, tossing me the rag in her hand, "I didn't want you to clean up my mess."
I had been intending on cleaning it for her, but I didn't think she wanted to hear that, "it's fine, no worries."
"Yes, worries, you're cleaning my blood because I was ca-"
"Nat, calm down," I wanted to stop the spiraling I saw happening. I knew that saying, 'calm down,' wouldn't help at all, but it was enough to get her to stop going down that mental rabbit hole.
"Sorry, I'm trying," she hummed, focusing now fully on the phone and changing the security footage. I didn't respond, wanting her full attention to let her know that she had nothing to apologize for.
I finished the cleaning a bit before she finished the hacking. "Okay, we should be good," she looked at me, I was sitting on a box jump and waiting quietly.
"Wonderful," I smiled, "you're brilliant."
She shrugged off the compliment with a laugh and wave of the hand, "shut up," she grinned.
"Can I finish with that hand now?" I stood up and pulled the supplies I had waiting in my pocket.
"Oh gosh, fine," she rolled her eyes, "and again, I'm really sorry."
"You have nothing to apologize for-" I started.
"I do," she interrupted.
"Nope, t-"
"Steve!" She interjected again, "I-"
"Shhh," I stopped her this time with a finger to her lips, "just let me finish." She looked absolutely shocked I had shushed her, but gave me an eyebrow raise to indicate she would let me finish this time. "Thank you," I smiled, and she laughed at that, "let me ask you this, would you do the same for me? If I had come down here and got hurt when I was mad, what would you do? Would you be mad at me and want me to apologize?"
"No, of course not," she immediately shook her head, and then a moment later her brows creased in realization. "Oh," she quietly added, "you got me in a box there, Rogers."
"I know," I leaned forward, "I would kiss you right now, but I don't want you to have to scrub the security footage again."
She smiled, "I would like to kiss you as well... but we can't risk it," the smile faded.
I hated to see her sad, "what do you say we go somewhere we can kiss?"
She looked back up at me, her eyes bright, "are you sure? We've been out a lot together lately."
"Natasha, turn your brain off for three seconds, let's just go somewhere and not think about it," I urged. I had no idea where this impetus mood was coming from, but I was dying to kiss her right now.
"Steve, that's risky," she hesitated, but I saw it in her, she wanted to as badly as I did.
"How about this? I'm going to be at Central Park in twenty minutes, and I'm going to be at the bench," I emphasized and knew she knew exactly which one I was talking about.
She bit her lip as she hesitated. "Midnight?" She countered, but the fact that she was considering this told me enough, she was trying her hardest not to be so paranoid right now, she was trying for me.
"Absolutely," I agreed. I had finished wrapping her hand while we had talked, I checked one more time to make sure it was a good bandaging job, and then I took a step away from her. It sucked not to part with a kiss, no matter how long we did this secret dating thing, it always felt odd to just walk away. "See you then," I turned and left, looking forward to midnight more than I had in a long time.