TW// cussing, cyber bullying, talk of transphobia, telling someone to off themselves repeatedly, talk of self-unaliveing, crying, self hate, dysphoria?
I think that's all?
Tubbo's POV
Four days later (it's a Saturday so no school)
The last four days, Lucas wouldn't leave me alone, and I couldn't figure out how to block someone from Gmail. There were too many possible buttons and things I could click, and I didn't wanna fuck up my entire account.
I won't repeat some of the things he said to me, but they mostly consisted of me being laughed at for my dead family and being fostered, being picked at and name-called for being trans, and him being mad that he got transferred to a separate school.
Every day I would wake up to at least three notifications from him. It was getting tiring, physically and mentally. I tried to mask how I was constantly upset, but I'm not the best at hiding emotions, so I'm pretty sure everyone could tell something was up.
I was sitting on the sofa and it was pretty chill. Tommy and Wilbur were just chatting amongst themselves, and Techno and Phil were texting each other memes even though they were sitting right next to each other, obviously holding back many laughs.
I had gotten my Gmail account on my phone so I didn't have to be on my laptop to answer Lucas. He tended to get salty if I didn't reply within a few minutes, and I was tired of reading him bitch about it, so I got it on my phone so I'd always know if he messaged me.
I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I knew they it was either Ranboo or Lucas, so I quietly sighed, sliding the phone out of my pocket. Sure enough, it was a Gmail notification.
(Lucas is this
Tubbo is this)
-
How's it goinnggggggg?
Great until you messaged me
Thanks for asking :\
Aw, ur welcome ;3
What do you want now?
Sometimes I think you'd be better off dead
What about you, Hm?
What?????
You can read, right?
Yes, I can fucking read!
Wtf is wrong with you?!
I think most people would agree with me
Everyone, actually
Ur kinda useless on this earth
You'd just make everyone's lives better if you were gone
Stfu are you mental?!
Only slightly ;)
That's fucked
What if you were to say that to someone
who is suicidal?! Their life would be
on your hands!
Yeah, dumbass, that's kind of the whole point
What you mean 'if I were to?'
You're not suicidal?
No, I'm not
Sheesh 😬
Well you should be when you look like THAT
That's a face only a mother could love...
Oh wait! I forgot! You don't HAVE a mum!
😆😆😆
-
My shoulders dropped. I hadn't realized they were tensed up until I did so. I stared at my phone for a few moments, biting my lip and keeping myself from tears. I exhaled a breath I didn't notice I was holding in, letting a small squeak slip out.
"Toby, you good?" Tommy asked. I looked over at him for a moment, then back at my phone. "Tubs..?" Wilbur questioned, placing his hand on my arm. "Are you ok?"
I gripped my phone in my hand tight, shutting it off. I shook my head to answer his question and then stood up, going to leave.
"Mate, what happened?" Phil asked. I didn't reply. I skidded up the stairs and to my room. I shut the door, locking it.
I went over to my desk, my back facing the door, as I opened my laptop and pulled up my Gmail.
-
Sheesh 😬
Well you should be when you look like THAT
That's a face only a mother could love...
Oh wait! I forgot! You don't HAVE a mum!
😆😆😆
First of all, fuck you
You don't understand what it's like for your whole family to be dead.
How would you feel if you were in my position?
And if someone was making fun of you for something you can't control?
If someone you loved died?
How would that make you feel?
Thank about that for just ONE FUCKING second why don't you?!
Wellll
I don't HAVE to think about it
Because I have my family
Sooooooo...
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sucks to suck I guess
You're fucking delusional
A goddamn psychopath
You don't understand so just shut up about it
I cry nearly every fucking day because of their deaths
I miss my family so damn much you couldn't comprehend it
If you miss them so much then why don't you just
take my advice and kys so you can see them again?
It just takes a knife or some pills, is all
You'd be out in like two to five minutes
Shut up
Just stfu
Leave me alone
Quit messaging me every damn day
Get a fucking life and get your ass off your laptop
I could say the same thing to you
What YOU could do is get YOUR ass of your laptop...
and instead of getting a life, you can end yours ;)
-
I only now noticed that I was crying kind of loudly and shaking. My ears focused on the noise outside of my door.
"Tubbo! Open the door, mate, are you ok?" Phil asked, his voice filled with worry. "What the hell happened?!" Wilbur asked. "He looked like he was texting and then his face stared getting all upset and then- I dunno!" Tommy replied.
"Tubbo, mate, why are you crying? Answer me, please, I'm worried!" Phil said, messing with my doorknob.
"Move." Techno's voice said. I heard something messing with the knob and then it clicked unlocked and the door opened fast.
I slammed my laptop closed so they wouldn't see the screen, now realizing how suspicious that looked.
"Hey, mate, tell me what's the matter." Phil said, crouched next to my chair with his hand on my arm. My head was in my hands with my elbows on the desk. I just shook my head. "Tubbo, what's on your laptop, why'd you close it like that?" Techno asked. "N-Nothing." I replied, swallowing my sickness from crying.
Techno reached for my laptop, and I quickly put my hand on it so he couldn't open it.
"Tubbo-" I cut Techno off. "I said it's nothing!" I said, unintentionally raising my voice. "It- It doesn't matter."
"Tubbo..." Phil said. I looked over at him through my teary eyes. "Let Techno see the laptop." He said. I looked from Phil, to Techno, to the laptop, hesitantly removing my hand from it. Techno shifted it slightly to face him better, opening it up. "What's your password?" He asked. I reached over, typing it in with my shaky hands, fucking it up a couple of times.
When the screen opened, I caught a glance of Lucas's words on the screen and quickly looked away, letting my cry even more. Phil wrapped his arms around me, not knowing what was going on. Techno looked at the screen for a few moments, probably reading.
"T-Tubbo...who...who is this..?" He asked. "That- That Lucas kid. He's been messaging me every day multiple times a day for almost a week now." I admitted. "Wait, what?!" Phil gasped, moving the laptop to face him. I watched his eyes move side to side for some time as he read through our most recent messages from today.
"Oh- Oh, my gods. Tubbo, why did you tell me about this?" He asked. "I don't know, I'm sorry." I covered my mouth, letting out a choked sob. "Mate, don't be sorry, you don't have anything to apologize for." He hugged me tight, pinning my arms against my chest.
"Tubs...is this part of why I found you crying the other day..?" Tommy asked, leaned over my chair like he had just finished reading what he could on the screen. "Y-Yeah..." I nodded.
"And- And you're not...considering what he's telling you to do...are you?" Wilbur asked.
I sat still for a moment, not really knowing what to say.
"I don't- I don't know if I am..." I squeaked, burying my face in my arms, hunched over with my arms in my lap. "I don't want to, but- but he's right! I am useless, and it would make peoples lives easier if I was gone, especially you four! God, you probably can't stand taking care of me anymore! I'm just a hassle!" I pressed my palms until my eyes. "And he's also right about my face, I'm fucking ugly. Well, I'm not necessarily ugly, but I'm girly! I'm obviously a girl, my voice says it too." I said.
"Tubbo, you are not useless, and we would be devastated if you were gone! You aren't a hassle!" Phil said, rubbing my back. "And no, you aren't ugly. I don't think you look or sound very girly at all either." He added.
I laughed under my breath.
"Thanks, but, I'm not believing that. You're technically my dad, you kind of have to say that." I shook my head. "No, I don't have to say that. I could tell you that you look and sound like a girl, and that you are ugly, and would be better gone, but I'm not telling you that, because that's not what I think. I like to tell my kids what I actually think, not what I should say as a parent. That just develops trust issues." Phil said.
"Even if that's true, Lucas still has a good point. If you look right there," I pointed to the screen, "I'm saying how much I miss my family, and he said if miss them so much that I should I just do it to see them again. He's fucking right, Phil. He's right! He's- He's..."
I exhaled, more tears forming in my eyes.
"I just wanna see my family again, Phil."
Everything was one big blur from the tears in my eyes as I let some of them fall. Phil wrapped his arms around me again, rocking us.
"I know you do, I know. I can't imagine how hard this is for you," He whispered, "But it'll be ok, alright? You'll be fine, mate. I know it's hard." He rubbed circles on my back as he rocked us.
I let myself completely break down in his arms. I sobbed and sobbed, something I'd been needing to do for years. Yes, I had cried plenty of times since, but not this kind of cry. Those cries were silent, and held in, but this was loud and really let out everything I was holding onto.
"It's not fair, Phil. How come they had to die and not me? They didn't deserve that. I did, I deserved it more than anything, especially back then. For- For keeping such secrets and shit. If anything, my sister shouldn't've gone out like that. I- I still see her face when I close my eyes at night. She was so scared, Phil, and I couldn't help her, it's my fault she's gone. I'm such a shitty brother." I cried, squeezing Phil tighter in my arms.
"It's not your fault, Tubbo. You couldn't do anything." Phil said. I exhaled shakily, nodding.
"I'm- I'm sorry." I said, wiping my face and pulling out of our hug. "Don't be, it's alright."
We sat in silence for a bit as I collected myself and calmed down. I was a little embarrassed from just sobbing my heart out in front of them, but I knew they didn't mind.
"Tubbo," Phil said, "I think you're gonna be just fine. We'll take care of Lucas and I'm sure you'll find your place. You're an amazing kid." He smiled, ruffling my hair.
I smiled.
"Thanks...dad."
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