The high that I felt watching the Grammy tribute and performance by Tom, George, Ringo, Paul and Stevie was the peak of my happiness.
We had a little homecoming celebration for Ethan with all of our friends and family when we brought him home from the hospital and then everything just became overwhelming.
We buried our son Winston who did not make it and I felt immense guilt. I didn't need to lose another child. I didn't understand what higher power was deciding I deserved all these terrible losses to happen in my life.
It was about a month later and I was completely struggling when I left the kids and new baby with our Nanny and took off for a drive alone.
I was overwhelmed and trying my hardest to be okay. My relationship with Glyn and with my children have become strained due to my depression and guilt.
No matter how hard everyone tries to brighten my spirits, and as hard as I try to portray happiness on the outside, I just haven't been okay on the inside.
I drove and drove for what felt like hours but was only from our home in Malibu out to Beverly Hills to see Stevie.
I was hoping she would be home.
I went to her front gate and rang the buzzer.
"Who's there?" a familiar voice asked.
"It's Lauren," I said to Tom. I was wondering what he was doing here. I wasn't expecting him.
He buzzed me in and then came to greet me outside.
"Stevie isn't home," he said, "but come inside."
"Are you two sleeping together?" I asked him straight up, to which he wouldn't admit with a yes or a no.
We walked inside and he sat me down.
"Look I'm here because I needed to see her. If it's just you, I might as well leave... I don't want to sit here and talk."
I was being rude to him for no reason. He has always been there for me.
He just sat there and took it.
"I'm sorry," I quickly said to him and I put my head in my hands.
"You need to find something to take the edge off," he then told me.
This crossed my mind.
"What do you have?" I then asked him.
"I don't know" he said, "I don't think Glyn would be appreciative of me getting you hooked on anything."
"Glyn doesn't have to know," I said to his best friend, "what are you on?"
I decided right then that no matter what he took to get high - I wanted a part of it.
I was in a dark place and need an escape.
He sat there staring me in my eyes and looked like he was deciding.
"Please, Tom," I said to him and got up to sit directly next to him.
I grabbed his hand and had him feel my heartbeat. It was shallow.
He quickly took his hand back, he looked uncomfortable with his hand on my chest.
"I will not let you shoot yourself up with anything hardcore," he finally shook his head, "that's just me coming from a place of concern. I can't get off of it and I don't want that for you."
I knew he did shoot himself up with drugs on occasion. I feel so numb that I would be tempted to try.
I grabbed him and lifted up his sleeve and saw his scars from where he's injected himself.
"Please," I said to him, "just let me try it."
"I'll give you pills," he said, "and that's it... or you can smoke a joint with me."
I had never experimented with drugs of any kind and I knew it was a dumb idea but I needed to try something to relax me.
He grabbed a rolled up paper filled with a substance and then took out a lighter.
He took a hit and then passed it for me to grab.
I then took a hit and then gave it back. I instantly felt different.
"You are beautiful, Lauren," Tom said to me and looked into my eyes, "you don't want to have your beauty fade and for your light to be stomped out."
I grabbed his joint back from him and took another hit. I deserved this.
I felt high and I temporarily felt like I had escaped my misfortune.
We both sat there together just so relaxed when Stevie came in.
"What are you two doing?" she asked and then I started giggling.
"There's my best girl friend..." I said, "my Stevie."
"Did you get her high?" Stevie asked Tom and he started laughing with me.
We were both giddy and she didn't know what to do with us.
She sat there and just laughed along.
"I mean as long as you're happy, that's all we all want," Stevie said leaning her head onto my shoulder.
"This is what I needed," I admitted to her.
We spent the rest of the afternoon together and I realized that these two were the closest people in my life. Other than my husband.
Tom sent me on my way back home that evening with a small bottle with pain medication. He told me to take it sparingly and made me promise to be careful.
...
At night when I shared a bed with my husband he asked me sincerely if I was okay. I contemplated telling him about my day with Tom and Stevie but decided against it. I didn't want to make him concerned.
"I'm going to have to fly to London," he then told me, "I know the kids will be with George and Olivia... will you and Ethan be okay or should you guys come with?"
"We will be fine," I assured him, "someone can stay with us, Stevie maybe?"
"She's coming to London with me," he said, "Its a last minute business trip."
"She didn't tell me that," I said to him.
"It is last minute and she's going to do some vocal mixes with us. Do you want to stay with George?"
I shook my head no.
"Tom," I said, "he can stay with us..... he's not going to London too is he?"
He gave me a look and then asked what I did today that made me so happy. I have been really down lately almost to the point of Glyn wanting to fly me away from everything.
"I was at my old Fashion studio," I lied, I had been wanting to get back to designing and being immersed in that world once more so this wasn't a far stretch from the truth.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He then sat up in bed.
"I don't want to excite you, I'm still not ready," I admitted, "I want to get my feet wet but there's too many expectations on me."
"I agree," he agreed, "way too much pressure... continue at your own pace. I can see it has made you happy. If you need to visit just to put a smile on your face go more often."
I nodded. He was right. I should go for real.
I should just do it.
I drifted off into a happy sleep and dreamt about happy things.
Thanks to Tom.
....
Glyn trusted me and invited Tom to stay with me while he was gone. I still had our Nanny with us to help me with cleaning and the baby but Tom gladly accepted because he thought it was his best friend needing this for him.
I really just wanted to be with him to get high again.
The moment we were alone in my home and Glyn and Stevie were gone off to London, I took Tom down to the basement away from my nanny and child and backed him up against the wall.
"Woah there," he laughed.
"Thomas Earl Petty," I said to him, "what can I do for you to let me get high with you."
He knew I was talking about the good stuff.
"I already told you I will not do that to you," he shook his head no.
"If you don't I will just find another way," I told him.
He knew this was true.
"Sleep with me," he said, probably thinking I would say no.
I looked at him, he was attractive to me in his own way. I couldn't do this to my husband though, not just because I wanted drugs to make me feel better.
"Share my bed with me," I said pretending to be interested. I just wanted to get his reaction to thinking I was down for it.
It was a challenge.
"Every man my age has pictured being in bed with you," he laughed.
He was younger than me by 7 or 8 years. He was just a teenager when I married George and he probably had my poster on his wall.
"If you give me a hit of the good stuff I will make that picture a reality," I flirted once more.
"What will Glyn think when you get hooked on opioids and can't get clean? What about your children?" He then grabbed my shoulders.
"I don't know how to be a mother right now," I shook my head, "I look at little Ethan and I feel like a fraud."
"I'm taking you to see George," he then said.
He told the nanny we would be back shortly and off we went.
When we arrived George answered the door concerned that everything was okay.
"We need to talk," Tom said to him and pulled me along.
"Are the kids asleep?" I asked him and he nodded.
He grabbed Olivia and the four of us sat in the den across from each other.
"Two days ago," Tom said, "Lauren went to visit Stevie and I was there... Lauren wanted something from me... an escape from her troubles..."
"You better not have," George began to threaten Tom.
"Of course not," he said turning to me, "but tell him what has been going on..."
I didn't speak and Olivia came and held me and rubbed my arms. She cared about me and she was so sweet.
"Are you two having an affair?" George then asked, this is where his mind went.
"No, no absolutely not," I then spoke.
"I got her high the other night," Tom finally admitted, "but just a joint."
"Okay, that's not terrible," George said, "that we can deal with."
"George," I said, "I need something more."
"No. You. Do. Not," Tom then said, "shes relentless."
"All those times in the sixties when you wouldn't give in to that and now you're just going to throw everything away, for what?" George shook his head.
"George," Olivia tried to stop him from getting angry.
"I just want to get help," I began to cry.
"Lauren here told me that if I don't get it for her she will get it somewhere else and that concerns me. I mean I should be telling her husband this..."
"Lauren, we can have you see a therapist...."
"I'm calling Glyn," Tom interrupted George.
"Everyone please stop," I said to them all, this was hard.
"How can we help you without drugs?" Olivia asked me sincerely.
I thought about how Fashion was my happy place and modeling.
"I have an idea for a new fashion line," I said to her through my tears.
"Well there we go let's hear it," she said.
"Would you want to be involved in it with me?" I asked her, "I cant do it alone."
"You can call it Harrison and Harrison," George made a joke about his two wives working together.
"If it's something you want and you want support from me... I would be interested," she nodded.
"Yes, finally we're getting Livie out of the house to get a real job," George joked once more.
"There we go....Liv and Laur," Tom said, "nice ring to it."
I thought about George's nickname he's always had for me, Lolo.
"Liv and Lo," I said happily, "that's it!"
The name I wanted for my new fashion empire.
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A/N: I have been having writers block on where this story is going. If anyone has any ideas please comment! Any type of direction would be helpful! Otherwise there might be some extended time between chapters until I can decide how to get from here to the end.
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