"Aaron" Is all that she said but I know from the way that her voice shook what had happened. My hands start shaking and my teeth grind themselves together as I listen to her sob on the other end, having no idea if she's saying anything beyond my name because it sounds like I'm submerged in water.
"Aaron?" I hear again and turn my head, making eye contact with Maddison who looks at me with confusion clouding her grey eyes. It isn't the phone this time, and suddenly I remember where I am. I doubt I'll ever forget where I was at this moment, looking back.
"I...I gotta go," I state, making the creases between Maddison's eyebrows deepen; I only see it for a moment before my back is to her and I'm quickly walking away. Calling a cab, I regret not asking for a ride but other than that, there isn't much else on my mind other than getting to Charlie.
Everything else is a blur and I only zone back into reality when someone asks me if I need help finding something, already standing inside the hospital. "Where's the...radiation treatment room," I all I manage to say to the nurse, unable to speak any clearer because the use of the "c" word isn't allowed yet. Not until we know. Not until I know.
The hospital itself is unfamiliar, but how it makes me feel is the same. Everything contributes to my growing anxiety, the smells, the harsh lighting, the white walls, and even the grey tile floors. Most of all, it's the patients that make me feel sick to my stomach as I near the proper ward.
My head whips back and forth as I find my way through the maze of hallways, listening for a familiar voice to be heard through the eerie silence. Finally, I spy a door ajar and sure enough, the familiar blonde head of my sister appears above an examination table. What surprises me is that other than the doctor, she isn't alone in that room. Sitting with his elbows on his knees and with one hand over his mouth is Alexander.
I'm suddenly struck with the thought that her new boyfriend received the call about this before I did until I take in their body language and realize that Alexander isn't supposed to be here, or he at least did not receive an invitation.
Ignoring him as he looks up at me, I step in front of where Charlie sits and pull her into my arms where she immediately melts and starts to sob again, her swollen, red cheeks from earlier a sign that the phone call to me was not the only time she's cried today.
I keep my hands away from her hair, careful not to draw her attention to it, and focus on squeezing her to me, wishing that there was anything I could say to make it better, but Charlie's smarter than that. She knows how this will go. It's not the first time after all.
After she'd calmed down, Charlie asked Alexander to wait outside while we talk to the doctor, my hand glued to hers the whole time. Every once in a while, I squeeze her hand to remind her that I'm here, looking over before returning my attention to the doctor because I know that there's probably not much that she's going to retain at the moment in her current state.
The words "relapse" and "transplant" are all too familiar, and yet they bring a new wave of fear after years of this being over. The doctor is patient and kind, and yet she brings me no comfort with her confidence this time around. Even if it ends, who is to say that this will ever really be over?
Convincing ourselves we were done with this, that everything would be in the past and that America would be a fresh start for the both of us was a pipe dream. Now that we're back here, it feels hopeless. From the look in her eyes, Charlotte feels the same way. Despite my own feelings, nothing matters except making Charlotte believe that this is only one drop in the bucket and that she can beat this one more time. That it'll be the last time she has to fight so hard for her right to live.
With her spine suddenly straightening, Charlotte speaks for the first time in a while, her voice wobbly but hardened by something unidentifiable. "I'm going to be requiring a new donor if we're going through with this, otherwise, I'll be refusing the transplant," She says and my chair screeches as I stand up and looks down at her.
"Over my dead fucking body, Charlie," I seethe and her eyes widen, the red-rimming them making them all the more brilliant and I huff. Though I surprised her with my outburst, she stands up to face me, tilting her chin up in defiance and she narrows her eyes.
"I don't care what you think. This is out of your control, it always was. This is my problem, and there are other people willing to help. We have insurance. I don't need you going through this with me out of guilt. You have a life and you should be allowed to live it."
"You think I donated my bone marrow to you out of guilt? Did you ever think it may have something to do with the fact that you're my sister and I love you? That maybe I want you around?" I shout, unable to keep my voice down. "Don't you dare do this to me. Don't take away my choice." My voice cracks and I feel a tear fall down my face.
"Don't take away mine." She says, softer now as she leans her head into my chest, heaving from the exertion of raising my voice, from the stress making my heart work overtime.
"I need to stop for a minute."
"Me too, let's both just calm—"
"No, I mean stop dancing," I admit and she falls silent. Pulling back, my sister looks up at me once again, awaiting an explanation.
"What do you mean, Aaron?" She hesitates as if she truly doesn't want to know the answer.
"I'm hurt. I've been killing myself to be perfect and I can't do it anymore. You have to let me do this. If I can help, I can use this as an excuse to finally stop. I need to stop." I nod and I don't realize that more tears are streaming down my face until Charlotte's hands reach up to wipe them away, cupping my face. The expression she looks at me with is full of pain but she tries to hold back her tears this time.
"That's not right...you should stop, that's true, but not like this."
"Charlie, you don't understand. I have to stop. I need help. Let me help you. You'll be helping me too."
"Donating bone marrow is no small thing. You won't be getting any stronger by giving up part of yourself. Literally."
"Charlie, if I don't stop I will break. What do you think losing you would do? I need you right now and you need me." Nothing will deter me from this. I'll donate anonymously if I have to.
"You're basically blackmailing me, Aaron."
"If I may..." The doctor cuts in and I blink a few times, wiping my eyes with my shirt. "I'm sure you know this, but having a close sibling as your donor increases the effectiveness of the treatment. Also, stem cell transplants have now been proven to be more effective, and I'd recommend that as your course of treatment. That would be if an autologous transplant isn't viable." She says, and the next hour is filled with questions from both Charlie and I about what the treatment plan looks like and how we'll go through with it.
"So we're doing this," Charlie says to no one in particular.
"Seems like it."
"I would recommend this treatment plan for you," The doctor adds.
Charlie looks at me, not questioning in her expression but with more of a sadness to it that makes me pull her into another hug. We dismiss ourselves and I don't think that either of us remembered that we'd kicked Alexander out over an hour ago, yet here he is, head perking up as he's alerted of our presence.
"Charlotte," He breathes, reaching for her hand and I watch curiously as she looks to him for comfort suddenly. He seems distraught, yet unwilling to ask any questions, despite most likely having way too many. Puzzles are difficult to put together without the big picture.
"I'll leave you two to chat," I say, looking back once I get to the end of the hall to find that they haven't moved, the two of them seeking comfort in each other's arms as if this is only a small hurdle in the future they plan to build together.
Only now do I think of Maddison, how I left earlier, and how or if I'm going to explain this situation to her without causing an even larger rift to open up between her and my sister. My guess is that Maddison won't understand the sacrifices that I'm willing to make for Charlie, but I want to tell her anyway. I want her to be the person I confide in about these things, and I want her to care about them. About me.
What I feel for her is strong, but where I attempt to push myself out of my comfort zone, she seems to want to keep me firmly situated there, taking it slow with the inexperienced virgin, whether for my sake or hers.
The hospital walls are familiar now, in a way that they weren't before. I memorize my way back to the front lobby, silently praying for a reason not to have to, but knowing in my heart that I must. Knowing that this is all for my sister's sake keeps my eyes open and my feet moving forward, one step at a time.