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Rilos crossed his hands and focused on them.
"No matter how hard I try not to blame myself, I can't help but feel that I let those things happen to you. I was supposed to connect to you immediately after you were born and for some reason, I didn't. If I had, you would never had been beaten, raped and you would be able to talk, change and would have spent 18 years of happiness instead of fear and sadness. I blame myself for not screening Cyrian when he was first installed as the Northern Alpha. I should have known better. I blame myself for not detecting that something was wrong with his son. I was there at his coming-of-age ceremony. I blame myself for not making the connection between seeing you that night and the fact that I was at the Northern castle. I blame myself for not finding you sooner."
I climbed on his lap, trying to give him some peace.
"That's a lot of guilt for one person, Rilos. I think I should relieve you of that guilt. I had never thought of that before, but when I was born, I couldn't hear, smell or feel anyone outside the room. Since Dark-Soul was in the room in a matter of minutes, I think that it's safe to say that he was already there. You know what his powers are. He probably put barriers all around the room to prevent us from finding each other. How he found out I was going to be born, I don't know. You should ask him. From what I understand, you didn't screen him because his father was a good person and you thought that he would be the same. I would have done the same thing. Now you know that you must do it. As for Sadist, I think that he acted normally in front of people from outside the castle. Dark-Soul must have protected his thoughts has well. When I saw you in the room, I thought that you were an hallucination. You could have been a way for them to torture me and that's why I didn't tell you too much. Finally, and I know this will sound stupid, but what if you had found me when I was a baby and I grew up to be horrible? What if me getting everything I wanted, as soon as I wanted, had turned me into a self-entitled person who didn't care about others? What if Dark-Soul had captured another girl instead of me and we would have never found out what he did?"
He hugged me hard.
"I don't care about the consequences, I care about you being safe from harm."
"I knew you would say that, and if you were in my position, I would say the same thing. If you were me, you would say, protect the others before protecting myself and that's the way I see it. If I have saved just one girl by being the one getting beaten and raped, then I'm okay with what happened, as twisted and wrong as it sound. I want you to know that I never, and will never, resent you for not saving me sooner. I'm just happy that you did. I know that I can't erase all the guilt you are feeling, but I'm hoping that one day, you'll forgive yourself."
"If you continue to be as wonderful as you are now, I might, once they are all dead. Now, what was scaring you?"
I tried to wriggle out of his arms, but he held on.
"I don't think I wan't to talk about it."
"You can tell me anything, Lyra. You know that."
"I know, it's just that my mind is being weird and I don't know what to do."
"Weird how? Nobody is supposed to be able to do anything with your mind, I'm protecting it."
"No, it's me. And you. And thinking about it makes me want to hide under the sheets."
"Really? Interesting. Now I definitely want to know what is going on."
"Do I have to?"
"You never have to do something you don't want to."
He let me go and put his hands on his knees.
"See? You're free to go."
I whimpered at the loss of heat and snuggled closer to him. He chuckled and wrapped his arms back around my body.
"Looks like someone doesn't want to go away. You can stay like this and not say anything if you want. I'll never force you to say anything."
I inhaled his scent deeply.
"Were you the one that changed me in my pyjamas? Did you see me naked?"
"Yes, I was the one who put you in your pyjamas. No, I didn't see you naked. I won't do something you aren't ready for me to do. I have the power to do anything, remember? I just imagined your dress changing into your pyjama and, magic, it happened. Was that it?"
He felt me tense. He started stroking my arm with his thumb.
"That was not it? What else?"
I hid my face in his neck. This was really embarrassing. Could I say that out loud?
"Would you hate me for having feelings?"
"No, except if it's desire for someone else, then I might be a little mad."
"What if I was feeling desire? Towards you? What would you do?"
His thumb stopped its motion.
"What did you say?"
"Well, when I got back inside my body, I saw that I was in my pyjamas and got scared that you saw me naked. I was scared that, since I was not as full as the other women, you wouldn't want me. Then I wondered if and why I wanted you to want me. Then you appeared without a shirt and part of me found it scary but a small part found it yummy. Can someone be yummy? Is that a thing? I'm not ready for anything. I'm terrified of anything else. And what's with me having weird reactions when you talk about someone who could be interesting for you? Will this stop? Is it even normal? What is going on in my mind?"
I choked down a sob.
"Slow down, sweetheart. I barely have time to process what you're saying. First, no matter what you look like, I'll always desire you. It's the same for you, wanting me is completely normal. We're soul-mates. I would be more scared if you didn't want me in any way. I don't expect you to act on these desires until you're ready and you can be sure that I won't be the one doing the first step. This step will be in your hands. As of you wanting to murder the ones who I might be interested in, and remember that I'm just joking when I say that I might be interested, you're the only one I'm interested in, it's normal as well. Werewolves are possessive, you know that, and you being possessive towards me tells me that a part of you, even if you're not aware of that part, thinks that I'm yours. I can't tell you how much everything you told me means to me. It's honestly such a relief."
He chuckled and added:
"For the yummy part, yeah, people can be yummy. I like that you find me yummy as long as I'm the only one who makes you think that. Was this all?"
I nodded, my eyelids slowly closing.
"Let's tuck you in bed, shall we?"
He picked me up and placed me under the sheets, my head on a pillow. My mind was getting foggy, but I saw him walking towards the balcony instead of going to bed. I grabbed his wrist. Don't leave me. He looked at my hand, followed my arm to my face. My eyes were dangerously close to being shut. I saw him smile.
"Never."