Fake It Til the Sunrise by SAFIA
"Most of the facility is powered down, so you'll have to make do here." Jenner explains to us in the hall of what once was staff housing.
"There's a rec room down the hall the kids might enjoy. Just don't plug in the video games or anything that draws power. And if you shower, go easy on the hot water." he informs us and then leaves us for the night.
We all stand in the hallway, letting his instructions sink in.
"Hot water?" Glenn asks, a grin forming on his face.
"That's what the good doctor said." I say, smiling with elation.
Glenn high fives me as everyone cheers excitedly and we all hurry off to settle in and get ready for our hot showers.
~
I remove my shirt and jeans and take in my reflection in the bathroom mirror.
Pre-virus, I had always kept a fit and trim figure but now I'm more skinny, my bones more visible. I look tired and a little worn but I still look like me.
The only other noticeable difference is that my bangs have grown out enough for me to tuck them behind my ears.
That and my blue-green eyes appear dull.
This girl in the mirror, she has seen some shit..
Especially in the past 48 hours.
I watch as tears start to roll down the face of my reflection.
Slowly, I crumble to the bathroom floor and begin to weep.
I weep for Jim, his kind and gentle soul.
For Amy, youthful and vibrant. If only
I had been quicker, more alert, maybe I could have saved her.
I weep for the horror of the attack on camp.
For the stress and unknowing we experienced out the front of the CDC earlier this evening.
The stress and unknowing I'm still experiencing now, locked inside this foreign place.
I allow myself a few minutes to wallow, before taking some deep breaths to regather myself.
I find myself longing for Willow.
If ever I was sad, she would come and lick the tears from my face and nudge her way onto my lap, warming me with her sunlit soul.
A couple more tears escape at the aching thought of her but I manage to pick myself back up and hop in the shower.
I turn the taps and let the water wash away the remainder of my tears.
And then I let myself enjoy the steady, warm spray of water beating down on my skin.
I fill my hands with the hotel-like body wash provided and lather it all over, massaging and cleaning my body.
It feels transformative, like I'm becoming more myself. My mood starts to improve, this shower making me feel better than the food or wine had.
As they used to whenever I would shower, my thoughts drift off. I think of my group and wonder if they're all enjoying they're showers too.
We really need this rnr right now.
As annoyed as I had been with them at dinner for hating on Shane, I'm glad we all have this opportunity of indulgence. And that we can enjoy it together.
Shane..
He had looked so down after dinner. And he hadn't spoken a word after Glenn called him a 'buzzkill.'
It's not the most hurtful of insults and Shane has a thick skin, but that doesn't mean it didn't affect him.
I hope Shane is having an enjoyable shower. I hope that he can enjoy the temporary bliss and wash off all the metaphorical shit of the past month or however long it's been.
I hope the warm water washes it all away as it cascades over his strong, bare shoulders, over his smooth, toned chest, dripping down-
I quickly snap myself from my train of thought and rinse out my hair, scolding myself on the direction my mind has just taken.
Maybe in another life, where we aren't cheating death every day. Maybe then, I could go down that road.
But not in this life.
I turn off the water and step out of the shower, feeling like a new person.
I dry off and pull on a white ribbed camisole crop top and a pair of boyshort panties. I grab one of the white bathrobes from the shelf and throw it on and tie the belt.
I pick up my things and head down the busy hall.
As people come and go from their rooms, I see I'm not the only one in a bathrobe.
Still annoyed at myself for my shower fantasy, I ignore the urge to look in Shane's room as I reach my door and enter my room.
I pack everything back into my bag, except my boots.
Some of the others have unpacked but I can't bring myself to. This place is too new and unknown to settle in so soon.
I pull on a pair of socks and leave my room, towel drying my hair.
Shane's door being opposite mine, I allow myself a quick look as I exit my room.
His door is closed.
I stand and stare at it for a moment while I dry my hair.
"Mmm, wasn't that just divine?" Jacqui says, as she comes down the hall from one of the bathrooms.
I look to her and chuckle. She's in a bathrobe, a towel wrapped around her head and slippers on her feet.
"You look like you're at a five star hotel." I joke.
"As far as I'm concerned honey, I am."
I laugh at her as she comes and stands beside me.
Jacqui looks from me to Shane's door.
"Everything okay?" she asks.
"Yeah.. I just.. He's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders." I answer softly, mindlessly twisting the towel in my hands.
Jacqui tilts her head.
"Everyone looks to him to lead, you know?" I elaborate. "He's handled it well but.. He's still gone through whatever we've gone through but he's had to keep it together. Because people were depending on him, for safety, for answers. It's a lot for one person. I worry about him.."
It feel strange, speaking my mind about Shane out loud, to another person.
"He's gonna be fine, honey." Jacqui says and I look at her, already feeling defensive as she proves my point of how everyone disregards his feelings. "He has you." she adds and I furrow my brows. "He's his brightest self around you."
I stare at Jacqui as I process her unexpected words.
"..Maybe that's because I bothered to take the time to get to know him, to talk to him." I reply.
"I think maybe you just bring out the best in him, Mia." she says with a soft smile and my eyes drift back to his door.
"It's like Jim said-" she continues. "-you're just what we need. Maybe some more than others?"
I give her a closed lipped smile.
"Well, I'm gonna turn in for the night." Jacqui says and we bid each other goodnight.
I throw the towel in my room and wander down to the rec room.
When I enter the room, I stop in my tracks for a moment, breathing out a laugh at the sight before me.
There's pinball machines, a jukebox, a piano, a tiki bar even. Then over by the lounge area is some nice couches, a big tv and lots of shelves that hold many board games and even more books.
Lori and Carol sit on the couch, watching Carl and Sophia play checkers on the coffee table.
"Hey, Mia." Carol greets me as they all look in my direction.
"Hey. What a room, huh?"
"I know." Lori says with a laugh.
I make my way past multiple pot plants, past the couch and the coffee table, heading to the bookshelves.
"Any good books?" I ask.
"Enough to keep us busy for years." answers Carol and I chuckle, running my fingers along the spines of them all.
"Mia, want to play?" Sophia asks me.
I turn and look down at the children. "Sure." I answer with a smile.
I sit down beside them and play a few games. It's not long before the kids are yawning and my eyelids are feeling heavy.
"Alright, time for bed. Come on." Lori says and the children comply.
"This is the first night we might actually get some real sleep." Carol says as Sophia walks over to her. "It's a miracle, isn't it?" she says, as she puts her arm around her daughter.
I get up too and follow them out. We all say goodnight and wander off to our rooms.
I take one last peak at Shane's closed door before closing my own.
I want to check on him but I want to give him space..
He knows I'm here if he needs me.
I take off my bathrobe and jump onto the king single bed, snuggling in with a blanket. Once I'm comfortable, I close my eyes and try to fall asleep.
Forty minutes pass and sleep still eludes me, the deafening silence of my room keeping me unsettled.
For weeks, I have been surrounded by the sounds of nature. Breezes, twigs, leaves, birds. I didn't realise how accustomed I'd become to these noises.
My eyelids may be closed but my mind is far too active.
I toss and turn as I worry about Shane.
Which leads me to thinking about Jacqui's words earlier in the hall. Which leads to thinking about Jim's words. Which leads back to worrying about Shane.
Then I'm mad at the group again.
Next, I'm worrying about how we're going to survive and what our next move is.
I start to imagine the walkers breaking in.
Then I wonder if anyone 'opted out' in this very room.
I let out an exasperated huff.
Clearly I'm not about to get any sleep. I need to calm my mind. I need to feel something good.
I throw off the blanket and grab the soft bathrobe, slipping my arms into the sleeves. I retrieve my iPod from my bag and quietly exit my room.
I pad down the hall to the rec room, pleased to find it's still empty.
I sit cross legged on the couch and hit play on my iPod.
Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles starts quietly through the iPod speaker.
I close my eyes and listen. Tuning out where I am and why I am here. I focus on the music, the lyrics and how this song used to make me feel.
It's not long before I'm tapping my hands to the beat on my knees. I start lip syncing and swaying lightly from side to side.
Moving and dancing to music always makes me feel good.
The song comes to an end and the next one begins; Three Little Birds by Bob Marley & The Wailers.
"Don't worry about a thing, 'cause everything little thing, gonna be alright."
Here's hoping Bob..
I get up off the couch and move my way to the bookshelves in a kind of hula dance.
I sway my hips and softly sing along as I skim all the book titles, enjoying the freedom and safety of listening to music without headphones.
I pick out books, one by one, turning them over to read the back, flipping through the pages.
I start accumulating a reading list, piling books on the coffee table, all the while moving, swaying and singing with my music.
I slip the current book in my hands back on the shelf and then do a little spin, but jump out of my skin when I notice Shane standing in the doorway of the rec room, watching me.
I let out a gasp and place a hand over my hammering heart.
"Jesus Deputy, you scared me." I say, laughing out a shaky breath.
Shane leans on the door frame, head titled to one side, his blue button up shirt open, revealing his beautiful chest and stomach.
Oh lord, have mercy.
His skin looks even smoother than I imagined..
I notice a tattoo on the left side of his chest, peaking out from under his shirt.
I swallow and drag my eyes away from his body back to his face.
"Hey, don' let me stop you." he says, his words slurring a little, a smirk playing on his lips.
My eyes drift down to the liquor bottle in his right hand, only a third of its contents remaining.
"Want me to leave?" he asks, his face falling as he misinterprets my silence.
I shake my head at him. "Why would I want you to leave?"
He shrugs. "..Buzzkill."
"No, you're not." I quickly assure him.
We hold eye contact for a moment.
He looks sad and sleepy.
"Couldn't sleep?" I ask him and he shakes his head.
"You neither?" he asks and I shake my head again.
In the background, I hear Bob Marley end and Island In The Sun by Wheezer begins.
"So, this's what you do? When you can't sleep?" Shane gestures between me and my iPod, the bottle in his hand swishing loudly. "You dance?"
A smirk plays on his lips again.
"You should try it." I say with a smirk of my own.
He lets out a breathy little snort.
Shane watches me as I make my way over to him.
He looks me up and down, his glassy eyes lingering on my stomach and my legs, reminding me of my minimal clothing and open robe.
I subtly close the robe as I step closer, not because I don't want Shane leering.. but because I'm enjoying his leering a little too much.
I stop and stand right in front of him while we hold eye contact.
I take his hand in mine and slowly take the bottle from his other hand. I give him a gentle tug as I walk backwards and he begins to saunter forward.
When we reach the coffee table, I reach back and place the bottle down, then bring our bodies closer together.
"Just a place to call your own, as we drift into the zone." the lyrics sing.
I grip his right hand in my left and place my other hand on his shoulder, his other hand falling to my waist.
I grin at him as I get us to sway to the music.
He's smiling now and I'm delighted to see it reaches his eyes.
He leads me out into a little spin before pulling me back into his arms and soft laughter escapes me.
I hold him close and place my head on his shoulder as we continue to sway. His hand moves from my hip to my lower back.
"We'll never feel bad anymore." I sing softly to him and I feel his hold on me tighten.
I close my eyes as the song fades to an end in an attempt to absorb this moment as we hold onto each other.
Young Folks by Peter Bjorn and John breaks the short silence and I lift my head from his shoulder.
We look at each other, faces inches apart.
"See? Isn't this better than trying to chase sleep?" I ask lightly.
He smiles down at me and gives his head a nod.
I peel myself away from him and curl up on the end of the couch. With a small smile, I pat the cushion beside me, inviting him to sit.
He plucks the bottle off the table before slumping down beside me.
"You don't need that." I say softly.
"I want it."
"Why?"
He slouches back, laying his head back over the couch, man spreading as he holds the bottle in his lap.
"Is it because of earlier? The group.. and what Glenn said?" I question.
Shane looks at me with sad eyes. "Eh, they're always mad at me for somethin'. Kinda used to it by now."
I frown at his words.
These people don't deserve him.
"Then what is it?" I ask.
"..There's nothing left.." he says and I tilt my head. "You see the look on Jenner's face tonight? It's over... it's all gone." Shane frowns, looking so defeated.
I shake my head profusely, hating the pain in his voice, the pain on his face.
"No." I breathe out. "No. The world we knew, is over. This is a chance for a new start."
"Stop it." He looks down, shaking his head.
"What's the alternative? Doom and gloom? There's enough of that already. You laugh or you cry. And I want to laugh as much as possible! I'm so sick of the tears. Now more than ever, we need laughter." I turn my whole body to him. "I'm not ignorant or delusional. I know bad things will happen, whether we want them to or not. I know that. But I want to grab hold of every smile and every laugh that I can. Because they are so important! Hope is important."
Shane stares at me after I finish my little rant, his tired eyes flitting all over my face. I start to wonder how much of my words he's actually absorbed.
And then he starts to laugh, closing his eyes and letting his head fall over the back of the couch.
I guess I did just say I wanted more laughter..
He looks out the corner of his eyes at me, arching an eyebrow, looking amused. "I'm real glad you're here, sweetheart." he says, his voice low.
He moves a hand from the bottle and places it on my knee.
"Yeah well, you have yourself to thank for that."
He chuckles, his finger tracing circles on my leg. "Yeah.. Who'da thought, huh? We'd end up best buds?"
I let out a short laugh. "Not me. I thought you guys were going to attack me or kill me or something."
"Really? We looked that mean and scary?"
"You looked human, which I wasn't used to. There was two of you and one of me. And as much as I didn't want to admit it, I was kinda at your mercy."
He laughs through his nose. "Yeah, you were. You looked so weak.. I was so confused as to how you were still alive."
"Yeah, such a princess, right?" I say sarcastically.
"More like knight in shining blade boots." he says and I burst out laughing.
"The other night, when you nailed that sucker in the head with your boot- Badass." I smile, pleased he's impressed. "Then you reloading my gun for me- that was fuckin' hot."
"What can I say, I had an excellent teacher." I say and Shane smirks.
"We make a good team." he declares.
We smile warmly at each other but I watch his smile slowly fade as his mind takes him somewhere else.
"You scared the shit out of me.." he says quietly, his face sullen. "..that night.. when Amy screamed and that walker got 'er.. I thought it was you.."
My hand covers his hand on my knee, in an attempt at comfort.
I lean my head to the side, resting it on the back of the couch as my thoughts float back to that night.
"I was so afraid." I whisper. "Part of me thought that was it for us.."
"Havin' us a fish fry, no one on watch.. People died. And they didn't have to." Shane says sullenly.
His eyes soften when they find mine.
"You don't have to be afraid no more. We're safe here." he adds.
"I don't think we are.." I say quietly. "Stupid, right? This place is practically Fort Knox."
"You're anything but stupid, Mia."
I give him a small smile.
"That why you can't sleep?" he asks. "Don't feel safe?"
"It's one of many reasons."
He offers me the bottle in his right hand. I smirk at him and give my head a little shake.
As he leans over and puts the bottle on the floor in front of the couch, my eyes catch his necklace as it dangles in the air.
"Want me to get that little lock and key?" he asks and I giggle.
He's adorable.
He lifts his legs up on the couch and lays on his front, propping himself up on his elbows as he faces me.
"What does this mean?" I ask softly, pointing to his pendant.
Shane looks up at me and then down at his necklace.
"This?" He flips himself onto his back and puts his head in my lap.
Holding his necklace up over his face, he shows me the silver '22' pendant.
Adorable.
"High School football team. Twenty-two was my number. Ain't no North Star, but it was good times."
I inspect his pendant, smiling at the clear enthusiasm in his tone.
Just adorable.
"And this?" I say as I point to the tattoo on his semi bare chest.
"Lil Bird." he says, pulling back his shirt to reveal the whole tattoo. "Nickname for my baby sister. She bought me this necklace. She died when she was sixteen. Hit by a driver who was DUI. Cocaine."
"Shane, I'm so sorry.."
This man has been through so much, even before the virus. I wish I could give him a magical hug and take all the bad away.
"How old were you?" I ask quietly, my fingers absentmindedly playing with his hair.
"Eighteen. Dropped football and decided to join the force with Rick. I wanted to try and make sure no one suffered the same loss I did."
'I'm so sorry you had to go through that."
He looks up at me and raises a hand to my face, wiping a tear from my cheek that I didn't know had fallen.
"She would've loved you." he says and I smile down at him.
Shane proceeds to tell me a little about his sister, Bec.
The more I find out about this man, the more I admire him.
I'm grateful to know him and proud to call him my friend.
Eventually we go back to a bit of banter until he's yawning, his head still in my lap.
"Come on, let's get you to bed." I say, patting his shoulders.
"Yeah?" He cocks a suggestive eyebrow and smirks up at me.
"To sleep, Shane." I clarify and he pouts. I let out a little laugh at his sooky face.
"You're too drunk for that." I say as he sits up.
He stands and turns to me. "I can still satisfy." he says, looking proud.
"I'm sure you can." I laugh and stand up too.
"You're sure, huh?" He takes a step closer, looking cocky.
"Oh yeah." I say provocatively, tilting my face closer to his. "I'm sure you're too drunk to remember it in the morning. And you'd want to remember it. Trust me." I tease with sarcastic seductiveness, putting emphasis on the last two words.
His jaw tenses as he looks down his nose at me. "That so?" he asks, his voice low. "You know I'm not that drunk, right?"
I laugh and turn away from him.
I pick my iPod up off the table, turn it off and pocket it. I turn back and pick up the bottle at his feet. He still stands in place, watching my every move.
"Come on." I say, gesturing for him to move.
He finally turns and trudges forward until he stumbles into one of the pot plants.
I rush forward and grab his arm, bringing it around my shoulders, my other arm wrapping around his back.
We hold in our laughter as I help him back to his dark room.
Once inside, I shut the door, incase he wants to trip on anything else and cause a raucous.
I put the bottle on a side table and help him onto his mattress. But when I let him go, he grabs hold of me and pulls me down.
"Shane!" I gasp, giggling quietly as I try to escape.
I turn my back on him and he snakes an arm around my waist and pulls me to the him, anchoring me on the mattress.
I look at him over my shoulder and see his face buried in the pillows and I can't help but smile at him.
His adorableness just doesn't quit.
"Shane, come on. I gotta go." I try to push his arm away but my efforts are futile.
"No, you gotta stay."
"Let me up."
He just groans into the pillows and I laugh quietly.
"Shane."
He turns his face out of the pillow. "Please stay?" he asks quietly.
His voice alone is almost enough to shatter my resolve.
..I don't really want to be alone and he doesn't want me to leave.
"Please?" he quietly begs when I don't respond.
"..Okay. I'll stay."
He lets out a muffled little victory laugh.
I sigh loudly. "What am I gonna do with you?"
"I can think of a few things."
I laugh. "No funny business, Mr."
"Cross my heart."
I manage to squirm onto my back and Shane tightens his hold around my waist.
I settle in and get as comfortable as I can under his warm hold.
It's not long after that I hear his soft snores, sleep finally taking him.
"Goodnight Shane." I whisper and close my eyes.
For the first time since arriving here, I feel safe.