ellie's pov
My feet ache as I rush the clipboard down the hall, running as fast as my legs will carry me in order to avoid being stopped by the other interns, doctors and nurses who have heard the news, I'm sure. As soon as people recognize me, I'm already gone, letting them know I have absolutely no time to deal with them.
Dr. Gerard has said the rest of the hospital has been utter madness. Other patients and employees have been trying to sneak their way into the private wing all day. Even professional doctors who have worked here over fifty years are trying to get a chat in with Liam Payne. I'm sure they have eager granddaughters at home begging them to get Liam Payne's autograph.
I even went as far as asking one of the nurses to get my a pair of scrubs to borrow from the locker room to avoid the other med students that I'm sure are still holding their bitter grudge, waiting to pounce the moment they see me. Chelsea is fuming, I'm sure. Like myself, she is a fan of the boy band, and she's no doubt even more pissed that I didn't tell her it was Liam who was here.
My brain begins to ache along with my feet the longer I think about it.
I finally retreat back into the private wing, which is much more calm than the rest of the hospital, which is saying something for everyone in Liam's wing is on the brink of a mental breakdown. I drop the clipboard off at the nurses station, in the hands of an eager nurse who begins typing away on her computer, not wasting a millisecond.
"Vandergelt," Dr. Frenette barks as he walks past, heading in the direction I just came from. Like an obedient lap dog, I rush to catch up with him, walking beside him and Dr. Gerard, "You look like you're half dead, kid," He tells me, not sparing my feelings at all. I try to catch a glimpse of my reflection in windows as we walk past, trying to see how horrible it is, "Go into the empty room next at the end of the hall and get some sleep. Everything is handled here, you have nothing to do, and I'm going to deal with the rest of the hospital."
He tells me - no, more demands me - and walks off, closing the conversation as he heads out the guarded doors, into the rest of the hospital, not even looking back. I stand there, rather caught off guard.
It takes all of me to not run after him, pleading for something to do. It kills me to be sitting here useless.
Though I'd be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely exhausted. I've been running around nonstop since I woke up this morning, and it doesn't help that I didn't get much sleep last night either, not with my overactive brain and imagination running me into a deep hole of despair.
After standing there like an idiot for a few seconds, coming to the realization that I can finally breathe, I turn around and head down the hall. Passing Liam's room, I glance inside, catching him watching tv and dozing off, barely able to keep his eyes open. I'd much rather sit at his side and talk to him about the whole ordeal - which I'm sure has been an overload of stress - but after last nights incident, I keep myself walking, headed to the empty patients room at the end of the hall.
Shutting the door behind me, I take a deep breath. I don't even bother turning the lights on. I shuffle across the dark room before plopping down in the neatly made bed, letting out an audible groan as I relax. I hadn't realized how tired my body was until now.
I kick off my keds and wriggle my way beneath the blankets, curling up in a little ball as my eyes land on a dull landscape painting.
I've been so busy running around doing everything and anything that I hadn't had time to really think about last night, which is both a blessing and a curse. It's great because I've kept myself from thinking myself into a panic attack, as I had last night, keeping myself up, but at the same time, I need to figure things out, and soon. I can't avoid Liam forever, nor do I want to.
But I'm not even really sure what I have to figure out. It's obvious that I can't have a romantic relationship with Liam, he's my patient for god's sake. It breaks so many ethics policies in this hospital. I'd never be hired at a hospital for the rest of my life.
So I don't quite understand why my brain still feels so messy, as if there were something to figure out. Perhaps I just need to solidify and compartmentalize all my thoughts and emotions, placing them carefully back where they belong, and where they were before Liam came along. I mean, I am a virgo; I need things orderly.
Okay, here I go.
In one compartment I have Liam. He's there looking adorable as always and - no, god damn it, Ellie. Stop it! - Okay. In one compartment I have Liam, a patient of mine, who also happens to be in a band I absolutely adore, and one of the nicest people I've ever met. That's beside the point.
In another compartment I have all the hospital rules and ethic codes I have to hold myself to. It's these very codes I was tested on in med school. Codes I never, ever thought I'd even consider breaking.
That compartment places itself in front of Liam, creating a very sturdy wall around the compartment Liam is in, making sure he doesn't intercept with any of the other compartments.
In another compartment I have me, with all my years and years of hard work that I put into being a doctor, my dream since I was a little girl. In this same compartment lies memories of me crying over textbooks because I thought I'd never make it, and in this same compartment is the memories of being hired at the hospital. So many years of struggle to finally achieve my dream.
This compartment is the one I'm so fiercely protective of; the one that the compartment with Liam cannot mix with.
In that same compartment lies a quality I've never really enjoyed about myself, but is the reason I'm here today: My inability to break rules.
I was always the kid that did her homework everyday, that followed the rules, listening to my curfew - that is, if I went out at all. The mere thought of breaking rules growing up nearly made me sick to my stomach. My parents were very lucky with me growing up. While other teenagers were sneaking out, kissing boys, and developing an alcohol tolerance, I was in my room reading Harry Potter and murder mystery novels, pretending as if I wasn't missing out on my entire life by choosing to stay in during the weekends.
I roll over in the stiff bed so I'm looking out the window, the daylight streaming in on me as my mind wanders back to those countless years I spent religiously following the rules.
"Hey Ellie," my lab partner, Tabitha, hissed at me while Mrs. Wayne lectured on about protons and neutrons. I quickly scribble down what she says, barely glancing over to Tabitha, who is so rudely talking while the teacher is talking.
But clearly Tabitha doesn't get the hint, for she keeps trying.
"Ellie," She tosses a bit of her eraser at me, trying to get my attention.
"What?" I hiss back, letting my irritation show through as I do my best to pretend as if I were listening so Mrs. Wayne didn't see.
"Are you going to Brady's bonfire this friday?" She asked me, making me furrow my eyebrows together in confusion as to why this was so important it couldn't wait until after class.
"I don't know, why?" I ask, copying the drawing Mrs. Wayne drew on the board as if I hadn't just asked Tabitha a question.
"I heard him inviting you before class," She says quietly, causing me to look over to her in suspicion. She wears a sly grin as she looks at me as if she were sharing the biggest bit of gossip ever, "He's totally into you," She whispers even quieter, making my entire face flush bright red.
First of all, I highly doubt Brady Griffin is into me. He barely knows me. And second of all, I wasn't planning on it. I never go to parties on the weekend, so I'm not sure why Tabitha was thinking this weekend would be any different? What, just because a boy is giving me some attention, I'll just change completely? Even if it's a boy as cute and popular as Brady Griffin.
And come to think of it, I already made plans to go to town Saturday morning with my mom and grandma, to go shopping for my dad's birthday. I highly doubt mom will want me out late Friday night if we're leaving early the next morning.
But I couldn't tell Tabitha that. That literally sounds like the most lame excuse ever.
I mean, it would be so easy to get out of the shopping trip on Saturday. My mom believes everything that comes out of my mouth - well, she hasn't had a reason not to, yet - so I could easily lie and say I need to work on a school project all night Friday. But that would be lying... And I don't even want to know what would happen if I got caught lying to my parents. It's never happened before, so I have no idea the repercussions. Nor do I want to find out.
And also, do I even want to go to this bonfire? I know exactly what goes on at these things. Someone sneaks booze from their parents liquor cabinet and everyone gets super drunk, and then people are sneaking out into the woods to make out, or slip a hand up a skirt. If I got caught drinking and making out with boys, I'd be dead. Just thinking about it makes my heart race and my palms sweat.
"I'm going out of town this weekend," I lie effortlessly to Tabitha, as I have been to school friends for years, making up silly excuses as to why I can't ever hangout.
I begin tuning back into Mrs. Wayne, pretending not to hear Tabitha making a comment about my lack of a social life, and a rude comment wondering how Brady could like a boring girl like me.
Rule breaking isn't something familiar to me, nor do I think it ever will be.
That's why I'm so confused as to why this Liam situation is bothering me so much. There are clear compartments that obviously define the rules of how things should be. Liam and I in completely different compartments, separated by all those rules and codes that I've always lived my life by. But for some reason this time, I can't quite keep everything organized.
I flop onto my back, staring up at the ceiling as I try to dig down to the pit of the problem. My stomach knots itself in twists as I dance around the matter that I've been pushing into the back of my brain for the longest time.
With a desperate moan, I bury my face with the blankets, figuring that if I disappear under these covers forever, I'll never have to deal with my feelings. Because that's exactly it. That's why I can't keep everything in my neat little compartments.
I have feelings for Liam Payne.
I really, really like him and it's the most ridiculous thing ever. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that it's unprofessional, and he's just one of the first decent guys I've met in my life, I can't deny it anymore.
And it's the most horrible situation to find myself in. I can feel myself getting teary eyed over it. This isn't how a crush should feel. I know it's been awhile since I've had one of those. (Probably since my last "boyfriend" I had in high school, if you can call our casual flirtationship an actual thing). But it's all so complicated and so messed up.
I wish I could just daydream about him all day long, and openly embarrass myself as I attempt to flirt with him, without feeling guilty or having anxiety over losing my job.
This isn't how it should be.
But there's nothing I can do about it. I have feelings for someone and I'm just lucky its with a guy like Liam, who is so kind and understanding and not at all pushy. He'd never ask me to do something that would jeopardize my job (though clearly I can't hold myself up to those same standards as last night's incident happened).
I know I should just completely give up on it all. It's a dead end crush that will lead nowhere. It'll only hurt me in the end. That's the solution that seems the most logical.
But what if...
I mean, clearly I'm not the only one feeling things. Liam had kissed me just as much as I had kissed him. Maybe there's a slight chance that he's dealing with the same kind of feelings that I have.
So maybe this isn't such a dead end thing? I mean, obviously we couldn't have a relationship now, but he's not going to be my patient forever...
No, what am I thinking?! There's no way that would ever work. He's a famous celebrity who is always traveling the world, and you're just an intern who's just as dedicated to her job. I couldn't just leave the hospital and run away with him, nor do I want to.
I bury myself deeper beneath the covers, feeling my eyes becoming wet once again, this time with tears of frustration.
Damn my stupid little heart for falling for Liam, of all the guys out there. I couldn't have just fallen for one of the dependable men my mom tried setting me up with all these years?
No that would just be too easy.
No matter what I chose to do, it's going to be complicated. I can feel my head throbbing from thinking about it to much. And instead of choosing to wallow in my own misery, I just give up.
Whatever happens, happens. I'm not going to stress about this anymore. There's already too much to stress about. I'm going to make myself prematurely grey.
If Liam and I are meant to be, it'll happen. If not, then so be it. I'm sure some other charming boy will come along (though I highly doubt he'll be as cute, or as kind and humble, but whatever).
Now I just have to talk to Liam to figure out where he is. And I'll do that, right after a little nap...
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an: hello everyone! sorry for the long wait for an update, but i really struggled with this chapter. so sorry if it's boring and horrible. i'll just go back later and edit it.
thank you for all the lovely comments! i enjoy them so so so much. i hope you know that! i've been getting better at replying to comments! so do know that i'm reading each and every one of them!
i've got this story pretty much planned out, so hopefully i won't struggle with another chapter for awhile??? (hopeful thinking)
i've got a few weeks here before i head out of town for some concerts and a wedding! i'll try my hardest to do a lot of writing before then!
love u all so so much, my lil cinnamon rolls
love always,
perksofbeingaweirdo