Hello there. I'm dead. I updated, I guess you've seen that much. So yeah. Here it is. Don't kill me. I'm already dead. I was gone for so long and now I come back here with this lol. Enjoy. I really have no idea when I will update again. Fuck Grammar and Spelling. Cheers!
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"I'm sorry I'm late, it wasn't my intention to let you wait." Joanna rushed to say as she pulled the chair back and took a seat opposite her stepmother, who was quietly sipping on a cup of coffee but stopped to smile gently at Joanna.
"It's fine. I know you have a lot to do." Birgit told her while gesturing with her hand, that she really didn't mind the little moment of alone time. She rarely was alone as the mother of very energic twins.
The older woman let her eyes travel over Joanna's growing belly while she was ordering a cup of tea. The pregnancy looked good on her, the softly rounded belly and the radiant glow o her face. Joanna really deserved it.
"Well, congratulations are clearly in order." Birgit pointed out as the young waitress left. "I wasn't sure if I could believe the media when I heard the news about your pregnancy."
"I apricate it, thank you, Birgit," Joanna answered politely put stiffly, the younger woman always needed some time to grow comfortable in the company of the widow of her father. The loss always seemed to lay so heavily on the younger of the two. Her eyes a mirror to everything Birgit has lost, these bright intelligent eyes, just like Niki and Joanna was always so painfully aware of everything.
"It's very exciting welcoming a new life into the world." The older woman spoke with a smile on her face. Something rare these days, but she couldn't stop herself, not when these eyes were looking at her. "I hope you feel well, I still remember how terrible I have felt. The journey you're making now will turn your life upside down but in a good way, trust me on this."
"It's a tricky pregnancy but I'm alright," Joanna told her stepmother, searching for the right word to describe her pregnancy for a moment which worried Birgit. It was never a good sign when Joanna suddenly lacked something to say. The Austrian was known for finding the right words. "I'm alright now." The younger woman added, upon seeing the worry in the other woman's eyes. She wasn't here to scare her.
"That's good to hear. I am sure your father would be happy for you, and before you say something, I know you never had the best relationship, but he would. He would be happy for you." By now, Joanna believed so as well. She tried her best to believe in the good in people, in her father.
"I think I know that, or at least I try to tell myself that he would approve of this. I no longer feel this deep resentment towards him. I understand a lot of things now. I have found his diaries. It does not apologise for what happened, but it gives reasons and that helps with the forgiving."
"I'm glad you try to forgive him. He was never good at showing emotions, but he liked your Max even before he knew he was going to be his son-in-law, I can tell you that much." This was the very first time since Joanna had sat down since she had entered the tiny coffee shop in the inner city of Vienna that the Austrian smiled an honest smile.
"I know me saying this can never mean the same as your father telling you but ..." Brigit added, causing Joanna to reach over the table and settle her hand on top of her stepmother's.
"It means enough. I appreciate it greatly." She told the older woman honestly, the smile a bit dimmer but still present. "I could have asked you to meet me before. I'm sorry I didn't make room for you sooner."
"I've read what was going on in your life since... since he died. I can't blame you." It was still hard to say it. Birgit was still turning around to tell her husband something, she was still glancing over her shoulder where he normally would be, but he was gone and she had to get used to it. It was a long way to go, she knew that much, but she was ready to fight, she had two kids who relied on her fighting back.
"There are still many formalities I should have taken care of before. The inheritance for example."
"Your father decided for you to have it all, Joanna. I will honour his wish."
"I was not aware of what it meant for you or my siblings in detail. To be honest, I did not consider it, the whole thing simply wasn't on my mind."
"I understand and so do your siblings, I'm sure of it," Birgit assured her.
"Thank you for saying that," Joanna muttered, but she still felt bad. "There is still something, a formality I would like to address." She added before getting a folder from her handbag before handing it to the widow of her father.
"What is this?"
"A contract," Joanna answered simply before leaning back in her seat, her hand resting on her growing baby belly while her other one was holding onto the cup of tea. "You should have contacted the family lawyer right away. I was not aware of the fact that you, Mia and Max were living in the Lauda house with my father before they gave it to me. I didn't know that they forced you to move out. Adrian mentioned it the other day, which is why I asked for this meeting straight away. I apologise for whatever you had to go through due to this."
"I apricate that, but it wasn't your fault," Brigit said before thinking for a moment. "The foundation is built differently, Joanna. Be careful around them. You should be aware of it, and you should protect your family."
"That's what I'm doing now." The Austrian told her strongly. "I would have never stood for throwing out a mother and her children onto the street. You should have called me right away."
"Don't burden yourself with the actions of someone else."
"Where are you staying for now?" Joanna questioned.
"My sister." Was the simple answer, before she laughed for a moment, it was no real laughed but Joanna gave her credit for trying. "I think it's actually a good thing, to humble the kids a little bit. I'm also already looking for a job, so it should be fine very soon."
"You're my father's widow, you will not have to work if you don't wish to do so. And neither will have my siblings to worry about money. I have taken the liberty of setting up accounts. The money is for living expenses, leisure time, hobbies and above all education. My father would have wanted it this way and I'm sorry it's only happening now."
"Joanna, you don't have to give us money." The older woman of the two said, while she reached out and rested her hand on told of the younger Lauda's.
"Yes, I do, and I also offer you to come home. We do live there now as well, yes, but the house is plenty big and it was your home before it was mine. We will arrange something." Joanna promised and truly, Birgit was moved by her offer, but it wasn't possible.
"Darling, that's so sweet of you, but I can't come back. The Lauda House, it's full of memories. Not that I want to forget your father, but the constant reminder of what I miss now, I can't live like that."
"I understand that," Joanna muttered even though she wasn't sure if she truly understood. "Which also makes the question pointless whether you're willing to come back and manage the estate on my behalf."
"I'm sorry, Joanna," Birgit said, as her phone started to ring.
"Don't be. I understand. I truly do." The younger of the two said, which caused Joanna's stepmother to nod before she gestured towards the phone and Joanna nodded, understanding that the call was important, most likely from one of her half ... mostly likely from one of her siblings.
The call was long and set to end the two women's rather short coffee date. The older one apologised over and over again, but Joanna brushed it off with the promise to meet again soon. She was reading her father's diaries after all and maybe Joanna had realised something which was incomprehensible to her for such a long time.
"Joanna, I think it's a good thing that you are living there now. That you fill that place with new life. It's good. Give that house a purpose, make it your home." Brigit said before she left the coffee shop and Joanna was left alone with her thoughts once more.
Lazily the Austrian reached for her phone and went through it, before finding the contact she was looking for.
"Matthias." She greeted. "Why don't you join us for dinner sometime? In a few days, maybe? I'd like to talk about some family matters. Exactly. I'm looking forward to it. See you then."
Maybe Joanna had realised something which was incomprehensible to her for such a long time. Her family didn't have to be a weakness, it could become her greatest strength. The people in her family were strong players of the game, each and everyone on their own, they would be invincible together and now was the time to surround herself with the protection only her family could give her.
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"I expected a lot, but not this." Charles pointed out as he stepped next to Joanna, who was watching Pia's try to make Max do Yoga with her from the window in her office overlooking the garden.
"I can practically feel the rage radiating off him." The Monegasque added jokingly which caused the Austrian to snort before she let go of the curtains and turned around to look at Charles.
He didn't look well. Tired, beaten up, exhausted. It was awful that this was what love could do when something went wrong. Not too long ago, Joanna was wearing a similar expression on a daily basis. A smile on her lips to mask the utter despair but her eyes were communicating the truth. One press photo was worse than the next, the empty gaze she had been carrying hunting her even now. Charles was no different. He had learned to mask it well, he was no rookie, but Joanna saw it the moment she rested her eyes on him. It wasn't hard to notice something in someone else which was so very familiar.
It was hard for Joanna to see him like this. Tired with dark shadows beneath his eyes and a deep frown on his face. His hands buried in the pockets of his jeans. Charles noticed her gaze set on him as Joanna moved to take a seat at her office desk, so he tried a soft smile, but it never reached his eyes.
"Why are you here Charles?" The Austrian asked while she folded her freshly cast-free arm over her other resting on the table which caused him to give her a conflicted look while the silence between them grew uncomfortable. He wanted to say so much, give so many reasons, but in the end, he didn't really know why he had come all the way to Austria, why he had left Charlotte in their hotel with Ferrari as an excuse for him leaving just like that.
He was pacing the room like a wounded animal, his hands gripping the chair that was facing Joanna every few moments in which he stopped to look at the Austrian before he shook his head and paced some more fully to Joanna's worry. She had never seen him like that before.
"Is something wrong with me?" He finally asked as he stopped, his gaze, these big and worried eyes on Joanna asking for absolution. For her to say that it was okay and that he had never done anything wrong. He was waiting for her to justify his actions and a little part of Charles hated himself for it.
He knew that he wasn't the only one who did it though. In their world, Joanna was the Pope. The earthly connection with the gods of racing. They all came to Joanna with their sins, willing her to say that they weren't bad people, that they were just making wrong decisions sometimes. He was a believer at her altar. Lit candles for her. Asked for her blessing. Waited for her guidance in hours of need. Charles wasn't religious like Pierre, he did not care for the blasphemy.
He was still for a moment, or at least his body while his mind was turning itself in circles until he had no other choice of pacing around the room again, which caused Joanna to exhale slowly.
"Charles." The Austrian said to pull his attention back to her.
"I feel rotten inside. As if my head is screwed on the wrong way. I have everything but feel like I have nothing. I feel as if I'm hidden behind a glass as if I'm underwater." He added which caused Joanna to give him one of these look she wore on her porcelain face so rarely it still surprised Charles that her features were able to communicate such sorrow and understanding but also support. It was a strange look and Charles shouldn't feel good when he's faced with it, but he had learned over the years that it was a sign of Joanna's commitment, and it meant the world. The people she had looked at like that were few, but they were all loved by her.
"It's still you," Joanna told him after a moment. "I know that a lot of things have screwed with your head lately, but that's still you beneath all this. Don't believe there is something wrong with you, because there isn't."
Charles let out a deep breath before he let himself fall into one of the two chairs which were on the other side of Joanna's office desk. His elbows rested on his knees while he allowed his hands to pull at his hair. The gesture communicated so much desperation and sorrow, Joanna was unsure how to approach him. Normally words were helping Charles best, he was a listener, but this time, it simply didn't seem to cut it. Pia really screwed with his head. Well, most likely did since they knew each other. His stress was coming off him in waves so strong the Austrian could feel it with every breath she took.
"Did you think there was something wrong with Jules?" The Monegasque asked, his voice so small and untypical. Her worry was only growing. The mentioning of Jules was never resulting in anything good. Joanna hated him a bit for what his name now meant to the people who have loved him so dearly. It was a punishment, a way to turn the knife in the other's heart, a silent plead to feel the same. To say they relate to each other.
"Yes," Joanna told him after a moment in which she allowed herself to think about it.
She could have lied, told Charles what she had told people for years now, that she believed him to be alright again the next morning, that she hadn't seen it coming, but a voice which lived in the darkest part of her soul whispered that she knew, murmured the shameful truth that for a moment, a brief moment, Joanna had thought it would be easier if he would be gone. That her heart would beat easier again, that her limps wouldn't feel so heavy any longer and that fear wouldn't hold her awake at night would he simply disappear and never come back, but he didn't simply disappear. Things weren't even close to being easy. Her wish as briefly as she had included in this thought had turned into a curse. Jules had turned into her personal curse. And if she thought about it, in the end, she had killed him.
Charles could have asked her why she hadn't asked for help if she thought something was wrong with Jules, why she hadn't forced him to talk to others or told his team, but he had his answer, didn't he? He had thought that something was wrong with Pia all that time ago, but he hadn't told Sebastian. He didn't know why he didn't, but he related to Joanna keeping quiet. They were taking care of their people, no need for help. This was the first time Joanna failed to take care of her own. Jules took one step too far away from them and to be honest, so did Pia. Charles felt that she was slipping away from them, that she was blocking them, shutting them out. Joanna was never her favourite person. A woman so powerful, Pia always accused her of abusing this power and Charles knew that she did, but she did it for the people she loved, to keep them all safe and make sure something like Jules would never happen again, which is why he was here as well, wasn't it?
He was here for Joanna's guidance once more, he was here for her absolution. She was the only one who would be able to give that to her. Charles could never dislike or even think about turning his back on her, she was too important to him. The anchor which kept him in the real world when the dead seemed to be louder than the living again. When he felt like he couldn't breathe anymore when the need to see his dad became too powerful again. When the kitchen knife seemed to inviting again. He never told anyone about it, it wasn't for them to know. Joanna knew and that was enough, she kept him in their world.
"Are you sure there is nothing wrong with me? What if you missed something?" Charles asked as he looked up from his hands. His expression was heart breaking. At this very moment, Charles Leclerc reminded her of a lost child asking his parents if he was good.
"Nothing is wrong with you, Charles," Joanna said while looking deep into the eyes of the Monegasque. "You hear me? Nothing."
"The universe was beyond cruel to you, but it didn't turn you cruel one bit. You have a good soul and a gentle heart." She added, which caused the Monegasque to lean back in his seat, his eyes finding the ceiling for a long moment. It was good to come to Austria, it was good to speak with Joanna personally. There was just so much she could do when so far apart and over the phone.
"What do I do?" Charles asked. "Tell me, what do I do now? I can't decide. I don't know what I want, what I need, but you always knew. You know what I have to do, so please tell me." He added after facing her again which caused Joanna to fold her hands together on top of the wooden desk.
"I have no universal answer to everything." She explained to the younger one who snorted. But that was exactly what she had provided him with all the time they knew each other and were close. Joanna always knew how to answer, how to act. He was coming to her, and she told him how he would be able to repair what was broken, how to survive the blow he had just suffered. He was a fool to think he would be able to manage without her. Charles should have listened, and they would have never ended in this situation, all of them.
The younger driver got up from his seat and walked over to the floor-to-ceiling window to the Austrian's right, overlooking the garden where Max just had left Pia with an annoyed expression. The Dutchman's gaze caught his own, causing his expression to change and making them stare at each other for a long moment before Max looked over his shoulder at Pia to see if she was noticing the Monegasque standing in the window, but she was busy talking with Patrick the gardener. Charles was so busy watching Pia talk with the gardener that he hadn't even noticed Joanna move to stand next to him again.
"Joanna, please." He whispered. "Tell me what to do with myself."
"There is no easy out, Charles. Not this time." She told him what he didn't hope to hear. "I have no instructions to give, nor can I tell you what I would have done in your situation. I was never there." She told him which earned herself an unamused snort from the Monegasque.
"It would be cheating to let you know things you haven't learned yet. It's your life. You must figure it out."
"I can't." He muttered. Feeling unwell as he watched Pia with the gardener. "Every time I think I know what I want, what I need to do... I suddenly can't move and my mind is flooded with reasons why I shouldn't do what I just decided to do."
"I don't know which way to go from here, Joanna. Please, I came all this way for your advice."
"Is that the only reason you made the trip?" The Austrian wanted to know, wondering if Charles would ever choose what felt right over what society told him was right.
"I don't think... I don't know." He muttered while brushing his hand over his face, which caused Joanna to give him a painful smile, her hand settling on his shoulder.
"I can't tell you the solution to your problem." The Austrian decided to say. "But I can tell you what we both know. We know that you came to Austria and left Charlotte for it. Pia is here, but instead of talking with her, of meeting her in the garden you are here, talking to me and shying away from her."
"So what? I'm a disappointment to both?" He questioned, the joke he tried to make only weak.
"Have you ever thought of the possibility that maybe neither of them is good for you? All you are is unhappy. A lot of people want to see you happy, I want to see you happy and I really hope you can be happy again very soon." Joanna spoke.
"You're saying to be with neither," Charles concluded but the older driver shook her head.
"I'm saying that maybe you have to work on yourself and be for yourself for a while."
Joanna gave him a soft look, which caused Charles to smile back at her weakly before she spoke again. "You know what's best for yourself even though you might not believe that right now."
"So you want me to break their hearts," Charles muttered which caused Joanna to narrow her eyes while she glanced at him.
"I think you misunderstood something I said the other day," Joanna told him, which caused Charles to furrow his brows trying to think of what the Austrian could possibly mean.
"My loyalty is to. Not because I think you are the one in the right or the one to make the right decision here." Joanna pointed out. "My loyalty is to you, I will choose you over them any time because you convinced me years ago that you are worth it. I decided that you are a worthy ally, that I would stop at nothing to protect you. I'm not easily swayed. I will stand with you because I decided that years ago."
"But don't make the mistake of thinking that you playing with these girls does not repulse me greatly. Don't make me regret my blind loyalty to you, because it is blind. I'm turning a blind eye to this situation for your sake, but don't think that you will get out of this without consequences." The Austrian warned him, expression dark.
"What are you telling me?" The Monegasque wanted to know exactly.
"If you don't act soon, I will. And you won't like that." Joanna warned him before her expression softened a bit. "Charles you need to clean up this mess." She added seriously.
"You're right. I know that you are. I just... it's hard right now. I will have to think about things some more." Charles said and Joanna nodded. She understood. The Monegasque wasn't ready yet to decide where to go or what to do. He still needed time, to learn and to make his own decision. Rushing him wouldn't be the right way. Forcing him to be with someone he truly doesn't love any longer would only end in chaos, but she had to warn him. To make him see that he couldn't go on like this forever. It wasn't fair to anyone involved.
"I know the timing is awful." Joanna then said while she returned to her office desk only to open one of the drawers to get a file of documents. "But maybe you want to take your mind off things for a bit." She added before holding out the file to Charles, who looked over his shoulder at her confused for a moment.
"I need to ask you for a favour. A favour only you can do for me." She added which caused Charles to turn away from watching Pia with the gardener now fully and to face the Austrian again before taking it.
"What is that?" He wanted to know, not opening the file until he would get an answer from the older driver. Despite the fact that he would do anything for her, he knew how dangerous it could be to be asked for a favour, meaning he would have to do something Joanna herself couldn't do.
"It's a description of something I need. I know it's in Maranello." The Austrian told him, her expression neutral as always when she was talking about business.
"Are you asking me to steal from Ferrari for you?" Charles wondered while letting his eyes scan the first document of the now open file which caused Joanna to cross her arms over her chest.
"It's not stealing if it belongs to my family, no?" She wondered out loud, but Charles knew that if Joanna was meant to have it, Ferrari would have handed it over if she would only ask. So, this was something he should keep his fingers away from. He could lose his job over this or worse, end up in jail.
"Why me?" He wanted to know. She owned him to tell him that much if she wanted him to betray his team's trust for her. "I thought you would ask Sebastian for something like this. He's way more subtitle than me." The Monegasque pointed out but that only earned him a head shake from the Austrian. It wasn't about subtility.
"I can't trust Sebastian with this, only you, Charles. Not even Max knows about this. Nobody can ever know. I need you to do this for me." She explained while stepping forward only to close the file in his hands and reach up to gently touch his chin, causing the Monegasque to look up at her.
"Will you do it?" Joanna wanted to know, her expression hopeful and how could Charles ever say no to her?
"Of course." He muttered, his eyes straying from her hopeful intelligent blue eyes to the file. He had no idea where he would find what Joanna was looking for, but he would turn all of Maranello upside down if it meant he would be successful in bringing the Austrian what she desired to possess.