Ang bilis ng panahon. Parang kahapon lang ay palagi akong umiiyak sa grade ko dahil feeling ko competitor ko si Yahwi pero ngayon. Huh, we're even studying together in a library. We're just quiet together while studying pero I feel... Comfy and not alone.
I only feel this with him.
I look at him when he took off his eyes from what he was reading and stretch his arm. I checked the time on my wrist watch and it was already 6PM. Oh god, I hope my parents aren't home yet or else I'll be dead. These past few days, mahigpit na binilin ni Daddy na huwag daw magpagabi dahil may business trip sila ni Mommy at alam ko na pinaghahawakan ni Daddy ang pangako ko na tutuparin ko dahil he knows that I always study at home before.
Masyado ata ako sinanay ni Yahwi sa presence niya dahil hinahanap ko talaga siya palagi. He's like my buddy that I wish he won't go.
"Tired already?" I teased him while playing the pen with my fingers.
He smirked. "Aren't you?"
"Such a weak," I snorted and he chuckled. I titled my head and stood up.
"Leaving already?" He asked.
"It's 6, I'll be scolded at home," I said and pick up my stuff. "Good luck with us tommorow—"
"Akala ko ba sabay tayo aalis?"
I rolled my eyes. "Then, bilisan mo."
Napailing nalang siya at inayos ang mga gamit niya. Nung tapos na siya ay sabay kami lumabas ng library. Just I about to fish out my phone to call Manong Oyo, Yahwi suddenly stood up in front of me and took off my reading glasses. He reach for my hand and give it to me.
"Gosh, I forgot to take it off," sabi ko at nilagay sa bag ko.
"Ayan, ulyanen ka na po, Lola," he said, teasing me.
Tinignan ko siya ng masama and mock his words kaya tumawa siya at napailing. I also laugh and rolled my eyes on him.
"Maiana."
"Hmm."
"Can I ask for a favor?"
"Oh," sagot ko habang hinahanap ang pangalan ni Manong Oyo sa contacts ko.
"Kung ano man ang resulta sa exam natin..." He said. "Can we still remains as this."
Napatigil ako sa pagpindot ng phone ko. Hindi kaagad ako nakasagot kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko nacocontrol ang mga sinasabi ko dahil sa bigat ng nararamdaman ko kasi katakutan ko ang maging pangalawa ulit. It's not easy for me to deal with it. It doesn't mean that I have something for Yahwi is I'm okay with it but no, it's not just about me and my grades. It's my life and the expectations around me. I failed them once, I don't want it to happen twice.
Now... It made me think. I want to promise him but at the same time I don't want to kasi baka pati siya ay madidisappointed din sa 'kin.
I don't want to lose him... But I also don't want another disappoinment.
"Mai—"
Just about he could finish his sentence when suddenly we heard a horn. Napatingin ako dun at nakita ko si Manong Oyo sa kanto.
"Bye, have a good night," sabi ko kay Yahwi habang hindi nakatingin sa kaniya. I just ran towards the car and close the door immediately as soon as I got it. "Let's go, Manong."
Nagtataka, Manong Oyo started the car and drive away. I bit my lower lip to stop myself from looking back at him.
***
"Gabrielle!"
Bago pa ako maka-react ay isang sampal kaagad ang naramdaman ko bago ako bumagsak sa sahig.
"Martin! Jusko!" My mom ran towards me and guide me to stood up. "Ano ba?! Sinasaktan mo yung anak mo!"
"This kid is stubborn! Kailan mo pa ako sinusuway ha?! Hindi ba sabi ko sa 'yo hindi ka aalis ng bahay?!"
"I was studying—"
"That's bullshit! Alam kong may ginagawa ka ng iba!" Lalapit na sana si Daddy sa 'kin pero agad ako tinago ni Mommy sa likod niya.
"Ano ba, Martin!" My mom shrieked. "She's your daughter! Hindi pa ba sapat ang pressure na binibigay mo sa kaniya at sinasa—"
"Hindi kita kinakausap, Grace!" My Dad point at my Mom's face. My body flinched when he sudden look at me with fire in his eyes. "Ikaw! Malaman ko lang talaga na may ginagawa kang hindi ko gusto. I swear I'll you to your aunties on the Spain!"
"Dad—"
"Don't you dare say anything, Gabrielle!" He yelled and took a step forward at kasabay nun ay pag atras din ni Mommy. "Siguraduhin mo lang na maganda ang resulta ng exams mo or else, I'll send you away. I have too much headaches because of your shits, Gabrielle!"
Napayuko ako upang itago ang pag bagsak ng luha ko.
"Yes, Dad," I answered.
I didn't hear my Dad's another comment but a footsteps, a hint that he goes to his study room. Nung. I flinched when we heard a loud bang of a door upstairs. I feel like I'm going to explode so I was just about to runaway and hide my pain when my Mom held my arm.
"Sweetie..." She spoke in comfort voice.
I wipe my unwanted tears. "I'm fine."
"Your cheek are red—"
"Magpapahatid nalang ako kay Manang Wenda ng ice sa kwarto ko. I'm fine, I'm just tired today," aalis na sana ako nung may naalala ako kaya lumingon ako ulit sa kaniya. "Thanks for protecting me but I can manage myself, Mom." She just give me a sad smile and I left that horrible place.
I released all my whimpered and all the pain that I was feeling right on that moment. Napaupo ako sa likod ng pinto and just keep crying and crying until I felt tired.
I was fidgeting my finger to distract myself kasi kung hindi, feeling ko magiging abnormal na ako kakaisip. I don't wanna go to Spain. That place is hell, I've been there back then and it's more than hell than there than here. Baka tuluyan ko na tapusin ang buhay ko pag pinadala pa ako dun.
I don't know kung ilang oras ako gumaganon kasi nakatulog ako. I also felt that my phone keep vibrating inside my bag pero mas pinili ko na 'wag muna dagdagan ang iniisip ko. Just, when everything started to be okay and then again nandito na naman ako, feeling shit and nothing but a disappointed in the family. Ang sakit sa pakiramdam.
I took a quick shower in the morning and I just grab a yogurt and a sandwich sa refrigerator at agad sinabi kay Manong Oyo na aalis na ako. Masyado mo ata pinaghawakan ang bilin sa 'yo ni Yahwi huwa magpalipas ng gutom. I was eating my breakfast on the way at natapos ko naman ito bago ako nakarating sa school. I know I was already late and wala na akong oras para mag review pa and I still feel like shit.
Pagpasok ko sa classroom ay agad ako kumuha ng exam. I feel tired and my head was spinning, I'm losing concentration when I heard my Dad's voice echoed all over my head. So I placed the pen on the table and took a deep breath. When I calmed myself, all I know is I was forcing myself to finish the exam because I'm not feeling it and I feel so tired and distracted.
I massage the bridge of my nose when my head started to lose concentration at the second period subject's exam. Then, I felt a hand massaging my nape from behind.
"What are you doing?" I asked him.
"Are you okay? You look like... Horrible," he said.
Kinuha ko ang kamay niya. "Okay lang ako," sabi ko at binalik ang atensyon ko sa pagsasagot ng exam.
Natapos na ang exam and I feel... Devastated and not really well. Tahimik ko inayos ang mga gamit ko. Parang wala akong kaluluwa na naglalakad sa hallway pero agad akong tumigil nung nakatanggap ako ng text.
From: Manong Oyo
Traffic po ma'am. Baka matatagalan po ako diyan
I just replied him 'okay' kahit atat na atat na ako umuwi at itulog nalang lahat ng ito. But then I decided to go to the rooftop and to get some fresh air since I really don't want to see anyone that I look like a pale potato.
Sinandal ko ang braso ko sa railings at napapikit at parang musika na naririnig ko ang mga negative words ng mga tao sa'kin, lalo na kay Daddy.
Halong halo na yung mga emosyon na nadadama ko ngayon. It was starting to get complicated again. Nakakapagod, nakakatakot, naguguluhan, at nalulungkot na nagagalit sa sarili.
I tried to catch my tears when I really can't hold them back anymore but I was too late to catch them because they keep falling like waterfalls.
Talagang hindi ko kinakaya lahat, e. Lahat naman ginagawa ko at halos patayin ko ang sarili ko sa lahat but... I was never appreciated. Isang mali ko lang, isang tanong agad na 'What happened to you?'.
Was I... Really been born here kasi may purpose ako? Purpose for what? To get killed myself from studying time to time and after I graduated highschool, take the course I never wanted and after college, will take over the company and force to get married to some business tycoon that I don't even love. So... When will I be happy? Kung sariling magulang ko ay pinagkakait ang kasiyahan ko. I just don't want to live just to follow whatever they order.
Nakakapagod palaging maging una pero mas nakakatakot maging pangalawa.