I'm pretty sure the only thing worse than attending a holiday party at the community center is an awkwardly quiet car drive to get there. Especially when your passenger is the quiet one making everything awkward. She's the one that wanted to go, after all.
Not that I mind going with her. I'd go anywhere with Mia. But judging by how weird she's acting, it feels a bit like she no longer wants to party with all of our old volunteer friends from the summer. Which kind of has me wondering why we don't just skip it and go park somewhere.
That would be ideal actually. My hands are itching to feel her skin, and I wouldn't mind sticking my tongue down her throat, feel her lips on mine.
"You alright, Tink?" I ask, stealing a glance at her as we drive through town. She's staring out the window, watching the snow fall, which would be a normal occurrence any other day and not raise any suspicion. Except that, usually, when it's snowing, my little snow deprived Californian is busy talking about the fact that it's snowing.
The silence is killing me. But when she doesn't respond right away, I give her a few more seconds, not wanting to press. Especially when the vibe here, if I'm being honest with myself, isn't new. It's been going on for a couple days now and I'm at a loss.
The comfortable extremes Mia and I have gravitated toward in the past involved verbal sparring, tension flirting, and being fuck buddies. Somewhere in the midst of all that, we fell for each other, and I walked right into a relationship with little to no experience on even the regular things that occur. So, I'm definitely out of my league when it comes to quiet weirdness.
I'd really like to know what's going on. But at the same time, I have to admit, I'm also not eager to look into it. Call me chicken shit, but I'm a little scared. If I had to pinpoint when the vibe changed, it would have been after I told her I loved her, and I really don't want to think that's been the cause of this shift in her mood.
"Tink..." My voice is low as I pull up to a stoplight, and put my hand on Mia's thigh to get her attention. The touch seems to stir her and she jumps a little, inhaling a sharp breath like she was lost in her own dreamworld and I woke her up.
Her head shoots over to look at me. "Sorry. Hi," she shakes her head, a nervous laugh floating past her lips. "What's up?"
"You alright?" I ask her, feeling like I've had to ask that question far too often lately. "You disappeared on me there."
"I did, didn't I?" Her gaze trails back to the snow out the window, but she places her hand over mine and gives it a squeeze. "I'm sorry... I'm just distracted, I guess."
The car behind us beeps a few obnoxious times, signaling me to the light changing, and I hit the gas. Reluctantly, I pull my hand back and put it on the wheel. "Anything you want to talk about?" I ask Mia, both hopeful and fearful of how she might answer.
She looks over at me, smiling. It's a small one, barely there on her lips, but it lights up the inside of the car and puts me a little more at ease. "I'm alright," she answers softly. "Just tired."
"You've been really busy this week," I point out, which is putting it mildly, to be honest. Between family stuff and meeting up with people she hasn't seen in a while, Mia's been running around since she got to town. I can't complain too much because I've been running off with her a lot of the time, but I live here. I know it takes a toll when you're away from the comforts of home during the holidays. "It's hard trying to squeeze in time with lots of people when you're only visiting for a few days."
"Yeah, I definitely overscheduled myself," she nods, her voice soft. "It's just tricky when we only come out here every so often."
"True," I agree. My hand wanders over to her hair, flowing down in that champagne waterfall I love so much, and I rub a strand of curls between my fingers. "But I think we'll manage to get you out here a little more often from now on," I add with a wink. "Considering you're mine and all."
"We'll see," she says, giving me another smile before she turns her attention to the dash. We're pulling up in front of the community center, the parking lot is packed. I snag a space at the far end, enjoying the way Mia cranes her neck to get a better look at the building ahead of us. It's decked out in about a million lights and about every other outdoor decoration you can imagine. "I wonder who's all here?"
"The entire town, by the looks of it."
Mia lets out a soft laugh. "We don't have to stay long if you don't want to. I know community center shenanigans aren't your thing."
"Yeah, but you're my thing," I remind her, reaching over and taking a gentle hold of her chin. I turn her face toward mine, a force of magnetism bringing us in for a kiss. She tastes like marshmallows and happiness. "We can stay as long as you want."
"Okay," she nods as I step out of the car. In the passenger seat, she waits for me to come around and open her door before she climbs out.
My hand finds the small of her back as we walk inside together. "Don't leave me hanging with any of the weirdos," I mutter, dipping down to leave a kiss on her cheek. "If I look like I need rescued, you have to accept the mission."
Mia laughs again, then she throws on a serious face, her hand flying up to her forehead as she salutes a promise. "I give you my word, Adler."
***
It's official. I've spent so much time hating on the community center that I never even realized what they do. I knew they had the camp, my summer punishment made me well aware of that, and I knew they held talent shows because I've had to attend each one that Cece has danced in over the years. But I had no idea the full extent of their activities. Or the good they do. These people go all out.
Mia's been making the rounds for about an hour, sipping a cup of hot chocolate and catching up with her friends. I was walking around with her for a bit, but we got separated when she went on a bathroom run with a bunch of the girls. I found my way to the community bulletin board, and my vision is currently crowded with event flyers, signup sheets, and photographs of happy children.
Apparently, they don't just hold a day camp for kids whose parents are working all day in the summertime. They have a whole program during the school year, too, to keep kids occupied inside that lonely space between getting off the bus and when your parents get home.
They organize weekend packed lunches to make sure no one goes home hungry, hold multiple food drives for families who need the extra help, and even provide job placement services for people down on their luck. All at little to no cost. How do they even do that?
Behind me, I feel the presence of another body, two arms wrapping around my waist, Mia's forehead resting against my back. At least I hope it's Mia... if not, things are about to be very awkward.
"Whatcha doing, Gray?" Mia's silvery voice floats into my ears, surrounding me in peace.
"Nothin', Tink." I reach down and place my hands over hers. Our fingers intertwine like a reflex. "I think I'm realizing why you like this place so much. They do a lot of good stuff for kids and families."
"They do." Her breath flows right through my t-shirt and warms my skin when she answers.
I spin around to face her, sweeping her up in a hug. She curls right up against my chest and I rest my head on hers, glancing around the vast auditorium. Twinkle lights glow along the walls and Christmas music is playing over the speaker. Some people are talking, others are playing games, a few couples are dancing in the middle of the room.
It's kind of a mixed bag in attendance tonight, people of all ages, lots of faces I recognize and some I've never seen before. The party's kind of lame, but the only person that matters is right here in my arms.
When the music changes to something slow and happy, I drop down and whisper in Mia's ear, "Dance with me."
She looks up immediately, honey eyes smiling. "Really?" Looking over her shoulder, she glances at the other people dancing in the center of the auditorium. "The only people dancing to these Christmas tunes are senior citizens."
"Yeah," I take her hand and start walking toward them. "Senior citizens and us. Come on."
She lets me pull her along. And when we reach the dance floor, her arms swing easily around my neck. My hands find her waist, Ella Fitzgerald sings in the background, and there isn't an inch of space between us as we sway to the music.
One whole song goes by and then a new one begins. It's another slow one, as though the universe is telling us to keep going, don't let go.
"You know," I dip down and bring my lips to Mia's ear again. The sweet strawberry smell of her hair tries to distract me, but I prevail. "I was thinking about next year, when Elise will be at UCLA..."
"Mmhmm?" Mia's response is barely audible. I blame it on her being tired. The slow rhythm of this music probably isn't helping her already exhausted state.
"Well, we're going to be looking at some apartments off campus," I go on, aware that we were just talking about this at the bowling alley. I'm just not sure how much of it came off as real to Mia, with Brand and I cracking jokes. "And I think you should come with us."
Mia's body freezes in my hands. It takes her a couple seconds to even look up and meet my gaze. But when she does, I find myself wishing she'd look away again. I don't care for the spooked look in her eyes.
"That might be a little weird," she says, looking away from me, taking one hand off of my shoulder to brush a strand of hair behind her ear.
Her reaction probably shouldn't throw me off, since everything's been off lately. But hearing her say it would be "weird" for us to live in a college dorm together, a whole year from now and with two other friends, goes beyond just feeling disconcerted. I think I'm a little hurt.
"Why?"
"I don't know," she shakes her head before finally turning back to face me. "I mean, I know you proudly claim the title of third wheel when it comes to Brandon and Elise, but you've known them forever. Throwing me in the mix? That's kind of awkward."
Does she really believe that?
"Not really," I shrug. "You and I wouldn't be third wheeling it together, Mia. It would be more like two couples living together."
She mumbles under her breath, something that sounds a lot like, "That seems a bit soon."
Ouch.
"Oh," I nod, swallowing hard. My chest feels funny. "Okay, well. I mean, we have some time to figure it out."
"I think it's already figured out," Mia blurts out, her eyes going wide. Clearly, she didn't mean to say that out loud. But then, she keeps going so I'm not really sure. "I don't think we should make plans to live together next year, Grayson. It's way too soon to think about something like that."
Something like that...
Ouch, again.
I'd really like to discuss this a bit further, but since she's already been acting strange and it doesn't appear that she wants to address this particular topic right now, I keep my mouth shut.
Mia sighs and takes a step away from me. "I'm going to run to the bathroom."
With that, she's gone. And my stomach is on the floor. What the hell even just happened?
With nothing else to do while I wait on whatever comes next, I meander in the direction of the entrance and grab our coats. I think it's safe to say Mia will be ready to leave when she comes back, and the party is dwindling anyway.
I'm searching for her winter coat in a sea of winter coats that all look alike when I hear a familiar voice calling my name. I register who it belongs to just as I'm turning to face him, getting my confirmation that it's exactly the last person I want to see right now.
"Elliot, hey," I give him the best fake smile I can conjure up at the moment. It's been months since graduation when I last saw him, but he looks exactly the same. "How's Chicago treating you?"
"Good, man. Really good." He's all smiles as we greet each other with a hand shake that turns into a bro-hug. I don't personally consider us on bro-hug levels, but Elliot Crissmore gives them to everyone, so I let it slide. "It's cold as fuck there. Might as well be here," he laughs, gesturing toward the front entrance. Through the window panes on the double doors, a light flurry of snow is still falling from the sky. "But school's good so I can't complain too much. How's California?"
"Warm as fuck," I answer, not having to fake my smile this time. "Believe it or not, I actually felt homesick for the cold before coming home on break. But I'm ready to go back. I forgot how shitty a New York winter can be."
"You're spoiled now," Elliot laughs, giving me a good natured smack on the shoulder. "But I hear you on being homesick, man. Not the cold, but just in general..."
From there, he launches into a ramble about the good old days. High school. Growing up in Oakwood. How hard adulting is. While he talks, I clutch onto my coat, my eyes wandering up to the scar on his forehead. He got it when he hit the dock, before he fell into the water. My stomach flips a little at the memory. I hate thinking about that night.
Past Elliot's shoulder, I see Mia come out of the bathroom, her eyes traveling the room in search of me. The discomfort on her face is still speaking volumes, but I like that she's looking for me. My need for her attention is soaring right now, and I keep my gaze on her, waiting for her to find me.
Elliot continues rambling on, and Mia's eyes meet mine right as I hear him say, "We need to get everyone back out to the lake next summer, man. I miss it."
My stomach does a full on back handspring this time, alarm bells go off in my ears. They ring with a warning to end this conversation before Mia gets here. Elliot doesn't have a reputation of being able to read the room, and since our familiarity with one another rests heavily on the story of how I saved his life, it's one of his favorite tales to regale people with anytime we're in the same room.
Mia's headed right for us, determination replacing some of the anxiety on her face. If I can imagine what my own face looks like right now, I'd dare to say she's...on a mission. Fuck. If she only knew how badly I wanna be rescued from this conversation. But by anyone other than her.
In seconds, she's arriving at my side with the smile of a sweet savior, prepared to complete her task. When she looks down and sees me holding my coat, relief fills her eyes as they meet mine. I knew she'd want to go, and I wanted to leave as well. So, why am I suddenly in less of a hurry? As much as I want to escape Elliot right now, leaving more than likely means dropping Mia off. She goes back to California in two days to finish out winter break at home, and I'm not ready to part ways just yet.
She clears her throat. "Are we all set to go?"
"Uh, yeah," I nod. "I just need to find your coat." Glancing between her and the coat rack, I slide my arm around her and direct my attention back to Elliot, manners overruling worry. I don't want to be rude, so I simply hope for the best as I introduce the two of them. "Mia, this is my friend Elliot. We went to high school together. Elliot," I give him a smile, "This is my girlfriend Mia."
"Nice to meet you," she says.
"Same to you," Elliot is quick to return the sentiment. "And don't let this guy fool you." He reaches out and gives me a shove. "We didn't just go to high school together." Shut up, Crissmore. I hold my breath as he adds, "Grayson saved my life."
"Oh?" Mia's smile is genuine now as she glances between us, intrigued. "I'm surprised I've never heard that story before."
"It was nothing," I mumble, turning back to the coats like maybe I'll finally locate Mia's in the mix. I've only spent ten distracted minutes looking for it at this point.
"Stop being modest," Elliot says with a boisterous laugh. He faces Mia, gives her a can you believe this guy? look. "I busted my head and fell into a fucking lake. We were all hammered, of course. But Gray, here..." His face turns sentimental for a beat and then he laughs again, his hand landing on my shoulder. "Well, he's the best drunk driver in the state of New York."
There it is.
I blow out a sigh of defeat, my mind whirling with all the details Mia shared on Thanksgiving. The ugly parts of her life that she trusted me with, the ones involving her dad who just did time in prison for a fucking drunk driving incident.
I've had my reasons for keeping my own incident to myself, and the shit with her dad is definitely the biggest one, but I guess that's over now. What the hell is Mia going to think of this new development?
"Wait..." Her eyes go wide when she looks up at me. "What does he mean?"
My stomach is a sinking ship as I dissect her reaction, her eyebrows doing a slow shift toward each other, a blanket of confusion falling over her face.
Meanwhile, Elliot is none the wiser to any change in her mood as someone else steals his attention. "Oh shit, is that Davis over there?" He laughs some more, his feet already moving in the direction of another guy we graduated with. He throws a hand up to wave goodbye. "Nice meeting you, Mia. Adler, we'll catch up. Happy New Year, guys!"
And then he's gone, oblivious to the damage he might've just caused.
Intent on finding out just how much damage that is, I turn back to Mia. She's waiting on my answer, waiting to find out what he meant by that.
"It's not what it sounds like," I tell her. When I reach for her hand, she doesn't let me take it. She just looks down at the floor, crossing her arms over her chest and shaking her head. "Mia...look at me."
"I didn't think that would be your explanation," she says, her eyes drifting up to meet mine. A humorless laugh falls out of her mouth. It feels like a knife in my heart. "What I thought you'd say is that he was mistaken and had the wrong guy."
"You wanted me to lie to you?"
"No. I wanted you to not be the guy who was drunk driving." She throws her hands in the air, exasperated. Turning toward the entrance, she takes exactly three steps away before turning back to look at me again. "Drunk driving, Grayson? Really?"
She takes off outside. And my stupid ass turns right back to the fucking coat rack. Where the hell is her fucking coat?
Fuck it. I take off after her, the blast of icy air hitting me like shards of glass when I step out into the cold. Irritation and worry build in my chest, for many reasons, but the fact that Mia doesn't have her coat on out here is currently at the top of that list.
She's nearly halfway to the car when I spot her, moving unfairly quick in her fancy boots with heels. "Mia, please stop," I call after her. She doesn't stop. But soon enough, I've caught up to her in the middle of the parking lot. I grab her hand and bring her to a halt, throwing my coat around her shoulders. When she stares up at me, there's too many emotions in her eyes to count. But the two standing out are hurt and anger.
"I told you it's not how it sounds," I say to her, itching to pull her close and keep her warm when I see her shiver. "Are you going to let me explain?"
"You want to explain? Now that someone else had to start the conversation first?"
"I was waiting for the right time..."
"And exactly when was that going to be?" she asks. "When we moved in with Elise and Brandon next year? When you put a promise ring on my finger? When would have been a good time to let me know, Grayson?"
Hurt spreads across my chest at the carelessness in her words. But I have no good answer for her. I have no idea when it would have been a good time to tell her that I made the same kind of mistake her dad did. I've been too focused on the fact that what I did was completely different than what he did. I thought that would lighten the blow when the time came.
I really wish that time wasn't now.
"Well, for starters," I say, taking a deep breath to collect myself. "I would have liked to wait until you weren't acting completely weird."
Mia's mouth drops open. "I'm not being weird! Grayson, you know what kind of person my dad is. I told you what he did. How he treated my mom. He fucking killed someone while driving under the influence."
"I'm not talking about that stuff, Mia," I shake my head. I feel completely ill prepared for this conversation right now, and I know I'm probably about to make things worse. "I understand why you're upset about what you just heard. But you've been acting strange for days. Ever since I told you I love you."
"That's ridiculous," she spouts off, arms crossed over her chest again. She takes a step away from me and looks down at the ground, kicking the toe of her boot against the snow covered gravel.
"No. It's not, Mia." I fight the urge to step forward and close the space between us. I'm dying for contact. I want to hold her hand or give her a hug. Something, anything. But her defensive stance is a warning, so I give her the distance she wants. "You haven't been yourself. And I have to believe there's something more going on here. So, is that it?" I take that step now. I can't help it. "Is it because I told you I loved you?"
Her head drifts slowly up to look at me, honey eyes meeting mine. She doesn't move, doesn't speak. She just stares back at me, studying my face like she's never seen me before. And when the silence gets too loud, I find myself talking again.
"I might be getting better at reading you," I mutter softly. "But I'm not a mind reader, Mia. If you're feeling some type of way about what I told you, then we should talk about it."
Her chest rises and falls with a deep breath, and she swallows hard. The seconds tick by in a slow agony before she says anything. "This has nothing to do with that."
Now I'm the one laughing, but not because any of this is funny. I just feel absurd. How did I get it that wrong? And if I didn't get it wrong, why is she lying to me?
"So, you're just in sabotage mode then?" I ask her, nodding my head. "Because of what you heard tonight? That's it?"
She looks down at the ground again. I barely hear her voice when she speaks. "Did you get behind the wheel when you'd been drinking?"
"Yes." I don't hesitate to answer.
"Then that's it," she says. When our eyes meet again, hers are watery. But my chest feels like it's going to explode from what she just said. Where the fuck is all of this really coming from? How did our night end up like this?
How did we end up like this?
"Tink," I take a risk and step closer, expecting her to back up or take off entirely. "Don't do this."
All she says is, "I want to go home."
"Mia..."
"Please, Gray." Her voice cracks on my name, and I swear I hear my heart make the same sound.
While she waits for me to respond, she hangs her head, shoulders shifting with slow and steady breaths. I give it a minute. And then one more. But when I finally realize we're not going to be resolving anything tonight in the middle of a snow covered parking lot, I accept defeat.
"Fine," I nod. "I'll take you back to Aunt Sadie's."
Mia's head jolts up to look at me now, confusion on her face, a heavy dose of sadness still lingering in her eyes. It quickly occurs to me that when she said home, she didn't mean my aunt's house where she's been staying while her family's in town.
She wants her home. In California. Across the country and as far away from me as she can get without crossing a large body of water.
Unfortunately, I can't make that happen though. And so, we make our way to the car. I don't guide her with my hand on the small of her back and she doesn't wait for me to open her door. The snow keeps falling. But she doesn't say a word about it.