I ignored Greta for nearly two weeks. She acted as if this was the most cruel thing any person had ever done to her, because she was prone to melodrama. However, I found it easy not to pay attention to her sulking. My thoughts were largely elsewhere.
Winter had firmly set in, and I was beginning to feel a deep sense of unease. What if we didn't make it to The Far North before spring began to thaw the snow? What if my only options were death, or drinking Greta's blood? Before I had convinced myself I was okay with death.
Now I was not so sure.
I wanted to live, I couldn't deny that. I had always wanted to live. Should I feel bad about that? I wasn’t sure about that either.
A thought crossed my mind every now and then. What if I let Greta turn me? Then I would not have to worry if we made it to The Far North in time. I could wake every morning knowing I would live.
Sometimes I pictured myself underneath her, blood dripping slowly from her wrist and onto my lips, one drop at a time. I would ask her if it would hurt, and she would reassure me that it would not as she leaned down to place the soft ghost of a kiss on my lips. I would wrap my mouth around her skin, and suck gently on it…
Blasphemy.
It felt like betrayal to the goddess to so much as think such a thing. To sit there and fantasize about betraying her by giving up mortality. It felt like she might strike me down right where I stood.
It felt like I deserved everything bad that had ever happened to me.
At least we were nearly to the ship. I tried to use that knowledge to calm my nerves.
We were just outside of Port Celeste, the place where we were going to meet the next half of our smuggling accomplices. I had never been all the way to the coast before. I had hardly ever been out of the Capital before.
It was beautiful, even despite the freezing weather. In the distance I could see a small fishing village surrounded by ice covered rocks. The slanting rooftops of the modest houses were covered with snow, and black puffs of smoke rose up from the chimneys and drifted back towards us. There was even the faint smell of cooked fish in the air.
It had only taken us two weeks to get here, but I was already sick of the cold. The closer we got to the ocean, the more frigid the air became. I wanted nothing more than a hot bath and a warm bed, but I knew that probably wouldn't come for several more weeks.
It was possible that I would be dead before that time ever came.
I shook my head, as if that could erase the thought of death.
"Why does your face look like that?" Greta said, interrupting my thoughts. She had been trying to initiate conversation with me nearly constantly.
I had thought she might be becoming desperate. It was bad to admit, but I liked having the upper hand on her for once.
At the sight of her I turned and started to walk away.
"Are you just going to ignore me until you die?" She said, Her voice sounded strained, and I couldn’t even lie to myself and say it did not affect me.
"Maybe." I said very quietly.
"Why?" She asked. “Why have you been avoiding me?”
"You know why, Greta." I said.
There was a very long pause, but she did eventually speak.
"I didn't lie to you." She said, "I don't know what you think I’m trying to do, but—"
I cut her off before she could make any more excuses.
"You lied to me about Ayla because you saw that I was getting close to her. You could tell I was interested in her and you were jealous." I said. "You lied to make me wary of her, even though she is much nicer to me than you are. It worked too. I believed you, Greta. Despite everything I trusted you. Despite everything I trusted the comfort of your touch."
"Judith, it's wasn't like that—"
"I don't know what you wanted out of me either."
"Judith can't you just listen—"
"Maybe convincing a nun to sleep with you is some kind of fun game to you. Maybe you just like to torment me—"
"Judith—"
"Maybe you just want me all to yourself."
"Please listen—"
She reached out and grabbed my hand, but I pulled it away.
"Well, you have me now, Greta. You’ve taken everything I have, and you have me under your thumb. Why do you want me so bad?"
"I don’t—I don't want you." She stuttered out.
It cut through my chest when she said that, but I managed to keep myself composed.
"Goddess above, Greta. You must be really full of yourself."
"Judith, I didn’t mean that. It came out wrong." She said, “I do want you, I just-”
"Whatever.”
“Judith, what can I do to make you listen to me?” She said.
I shook my head and turned away from her.
"I just want some space, Greta. Can't you give me that?"
Another long pause, and she spoke again.
“Okay.”
Greta did leave me alone this time.
I spent the rest of the afternoon with Ayla trying to figure out how to use the crossbow. I wasn't doing great with it, I had to admit. It was much different from a typical bow and so far I wasn't even strong enough to cock it on my own. Ayla had to do it for me.
After an embarrassing number of tries, I gave up and handed it over to Ayla. She loaded an arrow and cocked it as if it were nothing, but before I could take it back from her Quen spoke up.
"Can I try it?" He asked in a timid voice.
“I don’t mind.” I said.
“Be careful with it.” Ayla warned.
He smiled in excitement as Ayla handed the weapon to him, and I watched with a half smile of my own as he trudged through the snow over to the tree I had been firing it into. He took his aim and pulled the trigger. The recoil sent him stumbling back a step or two, but the arrow managed to land just on the edge of the tree.
“Wow! So cool!” He said with a giddy laugh.
“You ever use anything like that before?” Ayla asked.
"No, my mother never let me hold any of her weapons. She said boys shouldn't have things like that." He said.
“She is old fashioned?” Ayla asked.
"I think she was just worried I was going to hurt myself." He said. "I can be kind of absent minded."
“Well, you can hold anything that makes you useful while you travel with us.” Ayla said. “In human culture, men are more often the ones who use weapons.”
A look of uncertainty passed over his face, and he trudged his boot in the snow as he lowered the crossbow.
“Would it be weird if I asked if I could stay with the three of you for a while?” he said quietly. “Even after we arrive at The Far North?”
I frowned.
“You don’t want to be reunited with your sister?” I asked.
"I’ve never actually met her before. I’m worried she will have me married off when I get there. What if she doesn't want to take care of me?" He said. "I should learn to do something useful, like maybe hunting."
“You’re still very young.” I said. “Are you even old enough to get married?”
“I will be in the summer, when I turn sixteen.” He said. “Then I can be passed off to some other woman and become her problem.”
“You don’t know that she will dislike you or think of you as a burden.” I said. “Surely she must hold some kind of affection for you.”
“I know she didn’t get along well with our mother.” He said. "I'm also worried she will just think I am pretty and dumb."
"Why would you think that about yourself?” Ayla asked.
"Oh, I am pretty and dumb. I know that." He said. "But I think I can be other things too, I think. Like brave, or maybe confident."
“Regardless, we are here to help. Why don’t you wait until you meet your sister and see how things turn out?” Ayla said.
He handed the weapon back over to Ayla and smiled softly.
“Yes, I guess I should at least see how things go.”
"What about you, Ayla?" I asked tentatively. "Do you have any family or friends or… anything in The Far North?"
"I have a few distant family members left there." She said, "Some friend friends too, of course."
"Ah." I said.
That didn’t give me much information. I did my best to hide my disappointment at her offhanded answer, but I really wanted to know how much Greta had been lying to me about. Before I could think of other ways to surreptitiously pry for more information, Imanthi and Greta walked over to join us.
Greta made a point not to make eye contact with me.
“Our ship is arriving soon. We should head into the village.” Imanthi said.
“As a group?” Ayla asked.
“Separately.”
“Oh?” I said.
"Greta, Quen, and myself will be boarding the ship first." She said, "Greta and I will be posing as slave traders who are working together to get this slave to a special client."
"Okay." Greta said very shortly.
Imanthi ignored her sour attitude.
"Judith will be posing as a nun going on a pilgrimage to a holy shrine in The Far North and Ayla will be posing as her escort." She said.
Greta looked even more upset, and kicked her foot against the ground.
"Sounds great to me." I quipped.
Greta's eyes cut over to me, and I did my best not to meet them.
"And I expect the two or you—" She paused to point to both Greta and myself. "Not to bicker with each other as it will appear to everyone else on the ship that you have no reason to know each other."
"Yes ma'am." I said.
"Sure." Greta said.
Imanthi directed her attention to Greta in particular.
"You will behave." Imanthi said to her. "This is not like our other trips. Not everyone on this ship will be our friends. Do not start any problems."
"You don't have to talk to me like I'm a stupid baby." Greta said.
"Then don't act like one."
Greta didn't argue, only crossed her arms and looked away.
"So the two of you will not cause any problems on this voyage?" She said, "And you will stay away from each other as much as possible?"
"We should not have any problems avoiding each other right Greta?" I said.
She winced and gripped the fabric of her jacket tightly with her fingers.
"Yeah."