[A/N: Oh gosh, I've probably spent far too long writing this, also very long, chapter. But I love it, so I hope the wait was worth it!💐]
I sat across from Dr Noma in her office, looking at her as she scribbled something down.
"How are you feeling?", she asked me, looking at me gently. I had been sitting across from her for almost an hour now, and so I found it odd that she only asked me that at this point, right before we were supposed to say goodbye. Maybe it was because I, actually, was on edge. And that I was trying to avoid talking about the move.
Instead, we had mostly spoken about Dom and Flo. And how I felt about that.
But I guess she had other plans now. I'm
"Generally? Like sh*t", I quickly replied.
"Rue-", she began to say, pointing out the way I was wording things. And it was true, I rarely used words like that.
I guess I was frustrated.
"I mean it. Between thinking about my boyfriend and his sister and moving and leaving things behind, I don't have time for feeling much else", I told her quietly, as I was looking down at my lap.
"I know you don't like change", she said.
I turned my head, and looked out from the window.
"And I've been preparing for it. So am I not supposed to feel a little better than I am?", I replied, asking her a genuine question.
"It's always hard to leave things behind", she said, her voice calm.
I fell quiet.
"Can I suggest a theory?", she hesitantly asked.
I looked at her, and slowly nodded.
"I think... that you're having to leave things behind, and for the first time in your life you had a choice in doing that", Dr Noma said, putting her pen and notebook down. "Before, you've only been forced to experience change. And now, suddenly, you were a part in deciding whether or not to make a change", she continued to explain, looking deeply at me. "I think that that's what doesn't go together for you. That's what makes you feel like, as you say, like sh*t. Because you've never experienced it before"
I swallowed anxiously, looked down on my lap and tapped in the pattern I liked, as it dawned on me.
"I guess", I slowly told her. "But how do you know if it's a good or a bad change if you made the decision to make it?", I asked her, feeling confused.
She smiled.
"You don't", she easily answered.
"So I'll just have to wait and see?", I asked her, feeling empty for some reason.
"I suppose", she said.
I paused for a second, letting my mind process the things that would have been so clear for anyone else but me.
"What if I hate London?", I asked her, my voice holding on by a thread.
"I don't think you will, Rue", she replied.
"I've never lived anywhere but New York", I admitted quietly, letting the fear run over me.
"Everyone gets nervous about moving to a new place. It's perfectly okay to feel like that", she assured me. I pulled up my legs on the chair, pulling my arms around them and leaning my head against my knees. "And remember that you've got Vanessa and Lin there with you. They'll be by your side, always", she pointed out, smiling to the side.
"I know... but- but what if I don't belong there?", I asked her, my voice on the verge of breaking.
She quickly found my eyes.
"Take a deep breath with me", she said. "Inhale", she instructed me, and we did. "And exhale"
I felt the air leave my body, feeling slightly more in control all of a sudden. She must've realized that I had started to breathe quickly.
She paused before she answered my question, but only for a moment.
"I think you'll realize that you don't have to belong anywhere, as long as you feel like you belong somewhere", she continued to explain for me.
"I don't see the difference", I quietly told her, because I really didn't.
She paused for a second, thinking about how she could say it in a clearer way.
"Belonging, in a sense, doesn't have to be bound to the place you are in. I feel a sense of belonging with Egypt, because that's where my parents grew up and it's where my second language comes from, but I also feel like I belong in New York, where I've gone to school and worked for most of my life. And then we've got the small town I grew up in, to which I also feel a sense of belonging", she said, looking at me as I tried to wrap my head around the concept. "You can feel like you belong in many places at a time. Or that you belong with many different people"
I slowly nodded.
"So...", I began to say, a little hesitant because to others this seemed so clear, so definite, but for me it had never been. "You don't have to belong to something?", my question would be confusing if you hadn't heard the rest of our conversation, but she understood.
She nodded, looking at me proudly.
"It's a complicated thing... but, I think... I think that you choose to belong with something, to choose to hold someone or something", she said. "Not the other way around. But sometimes life chooses for you. But you have to choose whether you want to belong with that or not"
I looked at her, blinking a few times.
And then I looked down, and nodded slowly.
Because I knew our time was up.
For the last time.
This round, at least.
"I've wanted to belong to somewhere, to someone, to something my entire life", I said, feeling the tears filling up behind my eyes. "Because I never have", I continued, letting the tears fall. "I wanted someone to say that I... I belonged to them. But I just had to feel it? I just had to choose to belong with them?"
Suddenly Dr Noma's arms wrapped around me.
She hadn't done that before.
"Exactly", she quietly told me. "I usually don't hug my patients, but you're not my patient anymore. I hope that's okay with you"
I nodded.
"Thank you", I breathed, truly meaning it. "Thank you for putting up with me. For making me do so many things. For making me better"
She let go of me, laughing a little.
"It's been a pleasure. And, remember, I recommended Dr Grace Khan for when you get to London. We studied together. She's dedicated her career to helping people with OCD and PTSD. I know you'll like her", she said, averting from the topic and looking at me kindly.
I smiled, and then I looked at her name tag.
"Why do you only use your first name?", I asked her, genuinely wondering.
"More personal", she replied. "I used to go by my last name when I started out, but I feel like you get a better connection with the patients if you're on a first name basis. Especially because I mostly treat kids. Dr Abdelrahman-McKnight isn't as fun to talk to as Dr Noma, right?", she continued, smiling to the side, her smile contagious.
I nodded.
"Yeah", I told her. "Right"
"Also, before you go", she said, turning around to pick something up. "This is for you"
She was holding a black notebook in her hand, with a pen attached to it. I took it, slightly hesitantly, as I gave her a confused look.
"I always give my patients a notebook when I see them for the last time. I've had you talk about pretty much everything to me, so this is a reminder and a help for you to continue to retell and reflect. Write things down as you please, when things are easy and when things are hard. Try to do it, at least", she explained.
"Thanks, I'll- I'll try", I said, nodding at her, holding the book close to me.
"You've been taken out of the narrative for so long, Rue. It's time that you put yourself back in the narrative, alright?", she suggested, sounding slightly emotional but only if you listened closely. I swallowed anxiously, trying to hold back the tears. "Alright?"
I nodded gratefully, feeling sad because I knew I had to leave. I hugged the book.
She glanced at the clock.
"I'm sorry, but our time is up since a few minutes", she pointed out, sounding calm and collected. Whereas I didn't really even want to leave this room. Which, in a way, was funny as I had spent so many sessions in here, just wanting to get out. Most recently when she forced me to eat a sandwich.
I stood up, and put my tote bag over my shoulder, feeling a little weight on my shoulders.
This was it.
My first, true, goodbye.
Out of many.
As I walked to the door and put my hand on the handle, I turned my head back to look at her and the room one last time.
Maybe I'll be back here, at some point.
But this was goodbye, for now.
"Thanks again", I said, and she smiled bigger than I had ever seen her smile. "Bye, dr Noma"
She nodded towards me.
"Bye, Rue"
And I walked out the door, closed it behind me and saw the next kid waiting in Dr Noma's little waiting room of this giant hospital.
There were many more goodbyes to come.
But I think I handled that well enough.
Dom stood outside the entrance to the hospital, waiting for me as I exited through the big doors. He was holding Ariel in his arms, as the puppy really didn't know how to contain herself when there were a lot of people around her.
He looked sad, at first, staring out into the flow of people. When he found me, he smiled and brightened up.
I did the same.
"Hi", I greeted him, grinning. I quickly kissed him before he could greet me back. He laughed.
"Hi to you too", he said, as we let go.
"So, what's the plan?", I asked, petting Ariel on the head. She wagged her tail.
"The plan?", he asked, jokingly. "Well, I have none. I thought that maybe we could put Ariel in my backpack and quickly head up to Flo's room?", he stated, but it almost sounded like a question.
"It sounds like a plan", I said, looking up at him.
He nodded, looking at me thankfully.
"Okay. Let Operation smuggle Ariel into Flo's hospital room begin"
"Quick, quick!", I said as I opened the door to Flo's room, and Dom swiftly walked in. I shut the door behind us and Dom was pulling the curtains over the windows, so that no one would see that we had brought a dog into a patient's room. Dom turned around, looking at Flo with an excited face. Flo looked back at him, clearly excited, sensing that something was about to happen.
"What's going on?", she asked, almost bouncing off the bed.
"What do you think?", Dom asked her, looking mischievous.
She smiled a little nervously.
"I don't know?", she squaled, pulling her legs up. She looked at me, and whispered her next line as if we were talking about a secret. "Do you know?"
I smiled to the side, nodding at her.
"What?", she exclaimed, furrowing her eyebrows. She looked at Dom again. "Why am I the only one who doesn't know?"
Dom laughed, and then he softened.
"Well...", he started to say. He carefully took off the backpack, and as he started to unzip it he continued. "Because it's a surprise"
And with that, Ariel's head popped up from the bag, her ears flopping over and the she barked loudly at the sight of Flo, jumping out almost immediately.
Flo jumped off the bed, as well, shrieking.
"Ariel!", she shouted in excitement.
Both me and Dom started laughing.
"Oh Dom! Thank you, thank you, thank you!", she exclaimed, all over Ariel. And Ariel was all over her, from licking her face to barking at her.
Dom didn't say anything, he just smiled and watched from afar. And I watched him watching her, once again realizing why I kept coming back to him.
Because he never gave up.
Even though he, deep down, knew that it wasn't healthy at times.
And I knew I needed to make sure that it didn't go too far.
Just like he made sure that I didn't give up.
About half an hour later, we were unfortunately busted by Dom's parents who had come back with takeaway for lunch. Flo wasn't sad as one would think she would be when Dom's dad had to bring Ariel out of the hospital. Instead, she looked happier than ever as she watched them go.
"Can't you bring Ariel here tomorrow as well?", she asked Dom, her eyes big.
Dom shrugged his shoulders, looking at me.
"Don't get any ideas! What if the nurses or doctors had caught you?", Dom's mom, Agnés exclaimed, shutting down the topic with her French accent.
"Okay", Flo said, defeated in a sense. "Can we eat now?"
Agnés laughed.
"Mh-hm", she replied, and she started to unpack the takeaway cardboard boxes of Chinese food from the paper bag. "Here you go, Flo, your favourite. Chow mein", she said and handed it to Flo, who excitedly accepted it. Agnés looked at me.
"We weren't sure what to get you, Dom told us to avoid chicken and peanuts-", she said, handing me a box. "So we got you some veggie spring rolls and noodles, is that all right?"
I nodded, smiling at her, though my heart had started pounding as I took the box and chopsticks.
"Oh, thank you, but you didn't have to-", I told her, feeling slightly stressed.
"No, no, you're welcome. Eat as much as you like- those spring rolls are magnificent. It's from the place where I did my first article in New York. They've got some of the best Chinese food in the city. Or maybe it's just nostalgia-", she explained, but Dom and Flo cut her off.
"Because that's where you and Dad had your first date", they said in unison. Agnés laughed, and I smiled. I carefully and hesitantly tried to open the box, but my hands were shaking slightly and it took longer than expected.
Maybe because I was nervous and that I had a thousand thoughts swirling around in my head.
Don't eat that- what if you'll get sick? What if you'll make Flo sick? What if it'll be your fault? What if you'll make Lin and Vanessa and Sebastian sick and then you can't move? And you'll have everything ruined-
I swallowed anxiously, finally getting the box open. I looked down at the noodles and spring rolls, feeling overwhelmed by the expectations.
I started blinking, just in case.
Flo and Agnés were chatting away, their conversation rather lively as they were eating their food without a second thought.
I couldn't say the same.
Carefully, I broke the chopsticks apart and started moving the noodles around in the box, as I felt Dom lean onto me, so that he could whisper to me.
"You don't have to eat if it gets too much", he kindly assured me, looking at me not worriedly, but caringly. "But, however... The spring rolls are my something new for you today. And if you don't like it, I've also got fortune cookies for you to try. I mean, I did miss to get you something when you came over", he quietly said, smiling at me.
"You had your reasons", I told him. "You were sad", I said, as I slowly took a bite of the spring rolls, looking at him.
And it was amazing.
Of course it was.
Still, I put it down, forever wondering if I would be able to take a second bite.
"Yay!", he mouthed.
I couldn't help but giggle.
Dom's parents went away to meet with a doctor after lunch, so me and Dom stayed with Flo.
I looked at the box in my lap.
One spring roll and just a little bit of the noodles was all I had managed to get down.
I knew that wasn't enough.
If Vanessa or Lin had been here, they would have made me eat more. But I just couldn't.
My thoughts hadn't calmed down, either, so I had turned to tapping yet again.
Suddenly there was a spring roll in my sight field, held by Dom. I turned to him.
"One last bite", he told me, raising his eyebrows. He was persistent, I must give him that. "Please? I'll have the rest, if you take a bite"
I squeezed my eyes closed, and took another bite. I carefully chewed it and forced it down my throat though my mind was yelling at me not to.
And, as promised, Dom ate the last of it.
"Can we open the fortune cookies now, Dom?", Flo eagerly asked, sitting on her bed, cross-legged, with a stuffed animal on her lap; a white, fluffy, dog whom she'd named Cinderella.
Dom gave her a cookie, and she instantly cracked it open, only to give the piece of paper to Dom.
"Let's see. 'The best way to predict the future is to create it'", Dom said, his voice cracking slightly, though he had tried to not sound sad.
Flo grinned from cheek to cheek, nodding.
Probably just excited to have been given a fortune by a cookie.
"What does yours say?", she asked, eager to know the answer as she turned to me.
I hesitantly cracked mine open.
"'Pur... pursue your dreams with vigor'", I read it out loud, letting the words sink in. Even though I definitely knew cookies weren't psychics, I still felt like the words had an impact on me.
I hesitantly bit off a little bit of the cookie, knowing I had to at least taste it.
The slight sweetness surprised me.
Flo looked at Dom, who had cracked his cookie open after me, and read it quietly.
You could see it in her eyes, that she desperately wanted to know his fortune as well.
"You know I never tell my fortunes!", he said, as if he had said it a thousand times to her before. Still, he laughed as Flo furrowed her eyebrows and rolled her eyes at him.
Then, she hugged her stuffed animal, and then put it under the covers, tucking it in.
She started fiddling with her hands, looking up at me, as if there was something she wanted to ask me something.
After a few seconds, she seemed to have come to a decision.
"Are you sick like me?", she asked me, saying the question out of curiosity, but there was a sad undertone to her voice.
I didn't know what to say.
I grew speechless, in a sense.
Dom panically looked at me.
"Flo, you- you can't say that-", he stuttered, slightly shocked. He seemed to come to his senses, thinking before he spoke next. "Where did you hear that Rue was sick?"
I anxiously swallowed.
Flo looked up at Dom.
"I... I heard you talk to Ma and Pa yesterday about Rue being in hospital", she innocently replied, because she had only heard it and so, of course, she wondered.
Her eyes looked at me, and then back at Dom.
"She doesn't look very sick", she stated.
I looked down at my lap, and slowly started to tap in the pattern that I always came back to, counting in my head as I did it perfectly.
"You can't ask or say that to people, Flo. What would you feel if someone asked you that?", he frustratedly told her, almost angrily even though he tried to stay calm.
"I'm sorry", she quietly replied, sounding a little beaten down. I couldn't blame her.
"Dom, it's alright", I suddenly heard myself saying. I looked up. "You can ask me that if you want, Flo"
She lit up.
I smiled to the side.
"So, what do you wanna know?", I asked her.
"Are... are you sick?", she hesitantly told me the question, genuinely interested. Like any child would be.
"...yeah. Yeah, I am", I slowly told her.
It was always surprising how hard it was to say that. Like as if I was admitting it for myself, over and over again.
She looked at me with big eyes, fascinated by the fact I had just unveiled.
"But not like you", I continued to say.
In one way or another, she looked both relieved and disappointed.
"How are you sick then?", she asked me, almost instantly.
I looked down.
I was still tapping.
Tap, tap, tap.
"Well... you see, I'm very scared. All the time", I continued to look at my tapping hands. I slowly looked up at her. In one way or another, I didn't seem to want to meet Dom's eyes.
"Do you see what I'm doing with my hands?", I asked her. She nodded, suddenly looking at them, her face wondrous.
"I don't want to do that. But I feel like I have to", I hesitantly said, trying to explain it in a way that wasn't too complicated or that wouldn't make her scared. "Because when I get scared, my mind makes me think that something very bad will happen. And if I do this-", I said, nodding down towards my hands, that were shaking as well now. "I feel like it won't happen"
She looked at me again.
Her eyes were still as big as before.
She wasn't scared of me.
Only curious to know more.
"And because I am scared all of the time, I sometimes do so many things that I can't do anything else", I said, putting on a small smile even though I had started to blink. "So, sometimes I can't do things because I'm scared. That's why I'm in hospital too"
I think Dom noticed my added routines, because next thing, he mouthed something at me when I finally let our gazes meet.
"You okay?", he said.
I nodded at him.
Flo looked out the window from the seat on her bed. She seemed to think for a moment, and then she slowly came to a conclusion.
"So I've got a bug in my blood, and you've got a bug in your brain?", she asked me, her head turning towards me again.
I thought for a second.
"Yeah-" I began to say. "I guess you could say that"
She smiled sadly at me.
"I'm sorry for you", she quietly told me.
I smiled sadly back at her.
"And I'm sorry for you", I replied.
She looked at Dom.
"I'm tired", she announced, yawning. "Can Rue come back tomorrow?"
Before Dom could properly answer her, their parents, a nurse and a doctor came through the door.
"We'll see", he told her, squeezing her shoulder before walking over to me. I looked at Flo, who seemed to be making herself smaller and smaller at the sight of the new faces in the room. She just wanted to sleep, really.
I could see myself in her.
"I guess I should probably go", I whispered to Dom, as I didn't want to be in the way and because hospital environments made me quite skittish.
"I'll walk you out", he told me, and took my hand. As we were heading for the door, I waved goodbye to Flo. She smiled at me, though sadly, and waved back.
We slowly walked through the many corridors, and then down the stairs since I hated elevators. Dom broke the comfortable silence.
"Thank you for being so kind to her, I know she can be a little-", he started to say, but I cut him off.
"That's alright. She was just asking questions, like any kid", I replied, looking up at him, smiling.
"But you don't like those questions", he remarked, stopping in the middle of the stairs. A nurse ran past us, and I jumped to the side. "And still you answered them so nicely"
I blinked slowly.
"Just because I don't like them, it doesn't mean I don't have to answer them", I said, looking up at him again. He tried to smile, but there was a hint of sadness in his eyes. Like always, nowadays.
"So you answer them", he said.
I nodded.
"But only if they are asked", I remarked.
He let out a laugh.
"Very you", he pointed out, and we started walking down the stairs again.
When we were just around the corner of my building after having walked and taken the subway, Dom stopped me right by a café.
"I...", he began to say. "I don't think it came across earlier"
I raised my eyebrows, fixing the straps of my tote bag so that it wouldn't fall down over my shoulder.
"What?", I asked him, a little confused.
"You're a great storyteller, Ruth", he said.
I could feel the blood coming up to my cheeks, as they turned blush coloured.
"It didn't", I told him, smiling to the side. "But thanks, Dominic", I continued to say, while I squeezed his hand.
"You should tell stories even when you're not asked", he quietly said, looking down at our hands.
I bit my lip, and looked away, as I didn't know what to say. In the reflection of the small café's window, you could see us standing.
I was shorter than him, but just by a few inches.
We looked quite lovely, just standing there.
He kissed the top of my head, and I could still feel the butterflies flying around within me.
Yet, I could hear sirens approaching against every will of my body.
I hated how something so dreadful could put a pause to everyone so beautiful.
My heart started racing, and my mind had already come to the most heart wrenching conclusion. Just the thought of it made me feel sick, I stopped breathing for a second, and squeezed my eyes together.
Tap.
The urge was so strong that I couldn't deny it.
So, I began to tap.
Vigorously, quickly and with no plan to stop.
It was like a never ending cycle that I would never get out of.
Though, the loud sirens were muffled shortly after I started to tap, as Dom had let go of my hands and put his over my ears. He had noticed them a little later than me, seeing that he wasn't always looking for them. Though his attempt to quiet them, the sirens were still there, but not as harsh and loud so that they would dig all the way into my brain.
I swallowed anxiously, and Dom pulled me in closely, letting my head lean on his chest so that I wouldn't have to see the ambulance racing by. Because just a few seconds later the sirens got louder and louder, and the tension inside me was building. Soon I could feel the vehicle swishing past us on the street. I squeezed my eyes closed in response, almost biting my lip so that it bled.
All because I was so utterly scared.
I don't know how long he held me like that, but it was a while. I was shaking, stuck in my spot.
He slowly took his hands off of my ears, when the sirens were far gone and when he felt ready. Yet I couldn't help but search for them, and I still felt as if I was going to be sick.
"Hey, you're shaking-", Dom said, a little worried by my reaction. He put his arms around me instead, squeezing me tightly to remind me that I was safe.
I didn't reply to his remark, as I pressed my head towards his chest, eyes closed since I was just trying not to be sick.
"I hate this", I whispered so that only he would hear, as I slowly let go.
"I know", he said, but he didn't let go of me, scared that I might fall if he did. "You okay to stand?"
I nodded, and he carefully let go of me.
He looked at me, worried.
I couldn't blame him.
The last time I had started shaking like that in his presence, it was when Warren had showed up at the park.
"Come on, let's sit for a second-", he told me, not believing me and lead me to the ends of a staircase leading up to the front door of a building. He sat down, and I sat next to him, my legs thanking me for not having to support my body weight.
"Are you sure you're okay?", he asked me.
"Yeah- yeah", I told him, a little shaken up. "It's just scary", I simply explained, because it was the easiest way to say it.
He looked at me in disbelief.
Probably because I was tapping, blinking and twitching.
Eventually it clicked for me.
I felt a sudden weight on my shoulders.
"How much do you know?", I asked him hesitantly, my voice quiet and still as I referred to my past.
"Enough for now", he told me without a second thought. "You don't have to tell me. You'll tell me when you want to"
With him saying that, there was as if the weight on my shoulders dropped.
I looked at him.
"Thank you", I said, leaning my head on his shoulder. "Thank you"
I squeezed his hand.
He squeezed it back, and kissed the top of my head.
And I couldn't help but think that I sort of belonged with him.
Or, that I had chosen to belong with him.
Not to him, but with him.
And that he, in return and by his own choice, belonged with me.
As I finally got home, the black notebook fell out of my tote bag after I had put it on the floor of my bedroom.
In one way or another, I had almost forgotten about it.
I picked it up and let my fingers run over the soft, leather, cover.
I opened it and quickly realized that Dr Noma had left a message for me on the first page.
You're an amazing storyteller. So, please. Tell your story. Even if I'm not here to listen.
I smiled, a little sadly but also gratefully.
I took the pen out of the little pocket that was attached to the notebook and replied to her message as if you would on a piece of paper in school. Even if she would never see it, it held meaning.
I will, I quickly scribbled down.
And that really held meaning.
Because right then, and there, I made a promise to myself.
To tell my story.
Even if no one would listen.
—————
Hello! 👋🍃❄️
Bit of a chapter, eh? And one that was originally supposed to be much shorter, but you know me. Once I start writing I have trouble stopping😅
This one explores goodbyes and the feeling of belonging, as well as putting oneself in the narrative. Very important things for Rue and her drive to get better, just as much as it is for others to see her the way she wants to be perceived💛
Since I last updated here, I have pretty much had a full plate. I wrote a couple off exams, one in art history and analysis, one in graphic design and one in media production - which I passed🎉 - and then I went to Denmark for a day, besides having to restart and go head first into the new courses of this reading period. I have one course in writing, which I am finding amazing of course🙈
I also had what is called a "ovveinvigning", since I am studying at a program that traditionally wears ovvar (overalls). So I inaugurated that ovve, but the ovves hadn't arrived so I wore a substitute instead. (Why inaugurate a ovve that isn't an ovve? No idea...) Tbh, the whole inaugurating wasn't my thing, but I was there - being poured oatmeal, ketchup, coffee, sour milk etc on me🫡
Let's just say that I longed for a shower that entire day. Now I just want my ovve to arrive so that I can decorate it with my name and patches I've collected🎨
The first snow fell here two days ago, so I have officially brought out the winter jacket and shoes❄️ It'll probably melt away any day now, but I'm enjoying it either way🎉
Q of the day: What's your favourite season?🌱💐🍂❄️
Me? Spring, I'd say. I used to think I loved autumn, but spring just makes me feel so happy haha.
Well, I hope you've enjoyed the chapter - please leave a comment or a vote if you'd like💕 It truly makes my day!
Have the loveliest of days,
Sincerely,
H
Published: 21st of November, 2022.