billie
"she didn't eat, she didn't cry, she isn't talking, she didn't sleep, she isn't doing anything at all she's doing is staring at the wall or the ceiling."
"i'll try with her, mom. but she needs space right now."
"please do."
"hey billie, mom bought your favorite vegan burger. do you want to try some?"
"she made some cinnamon buns too, do you want those?"
"billie?"
"mom, i told you she needs space."
"finneas she isn't eating or sleeping. this is not good for her."
"i know mom but her girlfriend just died, you can't force her to do something she doesn't want to do. she'll come around."
"well do you want dinner? dad isn't home and no one is here to stay and eat with me. i need a distraction from my thoughts."
"what's going on mom?"
"i don't know, she deserved everything."
"she did"
"claudia isn't okay, she's been crying since the moment she walked out of the room."
"we're all grieving, such a beautiful soul lost too soon."
-
"hey miss, are you sure it's safe up there?"
"miss!?"
"what's going on?"
"oh my god! billie what are you doing up there?"
"patrick! get out here!"
"what?"
"billie it's not safe up there, what are you doing!?"
"you stay here and i'll go up there with her."
"be careful, it's probably slippery from the rain the other day."
"yeah yeah i will."
"hey billie, how about we get down? do you want to go on a ride in the car? i'll be quiet the whole ride. or do you want me to take you to a park?"
"billie please, get back in. you're scaring me."
"nothing?"
"good! just be careful, don't slip. hold my hand."
"is she good?"
"yes patrick!"
"you're freezing. here, wear this jacket."
"follow me i'll get the car keys and we'll drive around the neighborhood."
"no? you don't want that?"
"okay."
"i'll be downstairs if you want anything."
"is she okay?"
"yeah, she just laid down on her bed."
"she's been like that for two days, she hasn't eaten anything in the past 48 hours. she's torturing herself and she's fucking torturing me with her."
-
"i made your favorite lasagna, i'll leave it here. for whenever you feel like eating."
-
"it smells awful in here, oh my god!"
"since when has this lasagna been here? i'm getting it out of here and spraying this room, goddamn."
"i got you your favorite snacks and the stuffy you used to always cuddle with when you stayed over at mine."
"cheetoes or takis?"
"no?"
"strawberry or chocolate ice cream?"
"not feeling that either huh?"
"okay, gummys or chocolates?"
"nothing? really?"
"when your mom told me you were starving yourself, i seriously didn't believe her and i certainly didn't believe that you were a silent sue."
"come on bil, let's just talk."
"how about cuddle?"
"ouch, what the fuck! okay i get it you don't want to cuddle."
"she wouldn't want you to act this way and you know it. this isn't healthy."
-
"jesus christ billie, it stinks ass in here!"
"sit up. now."
"good."
"you're about to me scolded by the one person you don't want to be mad at you right now."
"the fuck are you doing?" blue asked from the laptop screen. "someone told me that you've been skipping meals? that's unacceptable. it isn't healthy or fun. i love food and you love food and that's why you're gonna get your ass up and you're gonna take a shower, clean your room and then eat. eat a big ass meal, with starters, main course and dessert then snack and then snack again and again. food makes everything better, we both know that. you better do it or i am going to haunt your ass."
i bit my lip as i looked at her frozen face at the screen, trying not to cry, it's like she knew i'd need this. this is the first emotion i've felt since her death, everything after was just numb. i couldn't feel anything, i didn't care, it's like i couldn't even think at all.
"what am i gonna do without her." i lunged myself onto finneas and started crying in his arms.
"you'll learn, billie. take it one step at a time." he softly said. "and your first step would be taking a shower, come on, you do that, and i'll help you clean up the room."
"i love you so much finneas."
"i love you too billie." he kissed my head before i got the chance to lift it. i got up my bed picked out a comfortable outfit and walked to the bathroom. i let the water run for a little to get the warm water running while i got naked. i stepped into the shower, letting the warm water touch my cold skin. i closed my eyes and put my head in, hearing the water hit my scalp. the best shower i've had in my life, except for that one time when..
my brain really said, power off three days ago and now everything is coming back to me, hitting me like a brick. and now every second i breathe feels wrong because she not breathing, and how is it fair that i get to breathe and she doesn't? she deserved to live just like anyone else.
why couldn't a serial killer die instead of her? why couldn't a rapest die instead of her? why couldn't an abuser die instead of her? why couldn't i die instead of her?
"billie are you good in there?" finneas knocked on the door.
"yeah i'm fine!" i yelled with an attitude.
"shit my bad, i forgot you talked again." he mumbled but i could still hear him say.
"fuck you!"
i stepped out of the shower, dried myself up and put my clean clothes on. i contemplated wether i should dry my hair or let it air dry, then i came to the conclusion that i don't really have the energy to blow dry it, so i stepped out of the bathroom after towel drying it and went down stairs.
i was surprised when mom wasn't in the kitchen and dad was nowhere to be found. "mom and dad went for a mini hike, they said they needed it." finneas said.
"oh." i nodded.
"claudia made vegan burgers and there are probably a lot of leftovers from the past three days in the fridge." he said.
"just put anything in a plate for me please." i sat on the chair at the kitchen's island. put my plams on my forehead with my elbows on the marble and rested my head there.
"the lasagna was really good, i'm gonna put some of that on your plate." finneas said as he took out the plastic container from the bus.
"mhm"
i could hear the sound of the microwave going off and finneas taking out our food. he put my plate in front of me and handed me a spoon and a fork. there was half a slice of vegan burger, a pizza slice and some leftover lasagna with ketchup on the side.
"she said eat a big ass meal." finneas shrugged.
"thank you." i honestly didn't mind the absurd amount of food on my plate because i was quite literally starving.
"when are you planning on going back to your apartment?" finneas asked.
"i don't know." i snapped.
"okay, sorry."
the rest of the duration of the meal, we were both silent. the occasional tear would creep up on the side of my eyes and i'd quickly wipe it of and if finneas caught me, we'd both pretend that it didn't happen.
i hate it when people try to talk to me when i'm eating, just shut the fuck up and let me enjoy myself. finneas knows better than talking to me when a beautiful lasagna is melting in my mouth. and he knows better than asking me about the apartment right now.
i finished my plate, wiped my mouth with a napkin and got up to place the plate in the sink and rinse it.
"jasmine and richard are planning the funeral. they wanted to let you know." finneas said. "they called, but you didn't answer."
"mhm." i could feel my throat swell again.
"when are you going to let the public know? you're the one that has the passwords to all her socials and her phone." he said.
"finneas can you please shut the fuck up for a minute!? just one minute, please." i leaned onto a cabinet and hid my face. "just- i need time."
"i'm sorry, i should've been more considerate." he brought me into his chest. "when you're ready to talk about her, let me know okay? she left some things for you that she wanted me to make sure you get."
"can you please come and cuddle me to sleep?"
"yes, come one let's go."
"and call mom, tell her to get me food on her way back."