I knocked on her open door. After weeks of trying to convince her to stay, she still wanted to leave.
Back at the windmill, she had explained to me why. She would have to learn to be true to herself and follow her own desires. Besides, she could no longer rely on my words.
I might not be able to decide for her, but I couldn't give up on her either. Therefore, while she actually managed to treat me as if nothing had ever happened between us, I was still trying to convince her otherwise.
I didn't know what was worse, the fact that Arisa was acting like we had never had something going on or the pitying looks I got from my teammates.
But I ignored it. The pain, the stares, I ignored all of it. I tried focusing more on the games again. I had to. For I knew that this was also a reason for her to leave the team. She didn't want the whole team to suffer from our personal drama. And I managed to do so. I was as good as before, if not better. I started getting along much better with my teammates, being more cooperative and accommodating. I continued to go to therapy and tried to communicate my thoughts and feelings openly.
Every day I woke up trying to find a solution to the problem I had created for myself.
Even when Arisa trained the new manager to replace her, I didn't give up. I couldn't. She was not allowed to leave!
And yet, it wasn't enough. Nothing was enough to convince her to stay. She wanted to leave, so I tried the one last thing that might have made her stay.
"Come in." She didn't look up as she packed a small bag of toiletries. Surely things she would need in the morning. The godforsaken morning before she would leave.
I followed her invitation before closing the door behind me. Her room appeared bare and cold. All her personal belongings tucked away in boxes, waiting in her trunk for her to unpack them back in Tokyo.
She looked up. "Oh?" If she was trying to hide her surprise at seeing me, she was failing miserably. "Hi." She didn't expect to see me.
I realized I must have done everything wrong so far if it actually surprised her that I wanted to see her on her last day.
"Hey," I managed to greet her back.
I didn't ask if she had a moment, because I couldn't for the life of me consider that. It was her last day and I was going to have my moment with her. If she didn't like it, she had the opportunity to get over it tomorrow with a distance of 500km apart.
The thought hurt physically, even though I tried not to let it show.
"Please stay," I said before I could think about it, because apparently thinking was always difficult for me in her presence.
"Kiyoomi-"
"Please, hear me out." She did just as I asked. "Stay. I will leave the team if it makes you stay. They need you and I bet Atsumu is crying himself to sleep right now because you're leaving tomorrow."
The corners of her mouth twitched upward. No victory on the field ever gave me the triumphant feeling I felt in my chest right now because I had managed to put a smile on their face.
"I bet he'd also cry himself to sleep if you were to leave."
"I don't think so."
She was still smiling. "I don't think I'll ever get used to you calling him by his first name."
Same here, but you won't have to if you really want to leave.
As if she had read my mind, she lost the beautiful smile, exchanging it for a clearing of her throat.
"Anyway. I'm glad you're here. There's something I wanted to discuss with you. I need a clean cut," she explained, causing my heart to skip a beat. "I don't want us to be in contact any longer once I'm gone."
"Is that all you want to tell me?" It surprised me how calm my voice remained, even though an entire city was falling apart inside me. "Can you at least drop the act for today? You can't act like nothing ever went on between us, but ask me for a clean cut on your last day."
Her eyes widened in surprise.
I knew she was doing this to protect herself. That it was probably the only way for her to endure the last few weeks near me. I had respected it to this point, but there's no way I could do that today.
"I get it, but it's your last day here and you've said goodbye to everyone...except me."
She blinked too many times to hold back her rising tears, swallowed the lump in her throat, but said nothing. She didn't say a word as she walked toward me.
Whether she didn't want to say anything or couldn't, it didn't matter because she stopped directly in front of me, her head in her neck, to look at me through her glassy eyes. I didn't move a bit, as if she were a deer that would run away at the slightest movement. Even holding my breath until she bridged the last few inches to embrace me.
My heart was beating so hard against my chest, her ears must be in pain. But she didn't seem to mind since she pressed herself even tighter against me. The emotions I felt that moment were indescribable. I did not let a second pass to put my arms around her too. I was not careful not to press too hard because this might be the last time, I ever hold her like this. I pressed her hard against me, for her to never forget the pressure of my arms around her tiny body.
But she didn't seem to mind, as her fingers clawed into my shirt like she would collapse if she couldn't find a hold. Her face pressed deeper into my chest, and I was enveloped in her scent, by her warmth, and the wish that this moment would last forever. I wish she would forever stay in my arms.
But I knew she only let it happen because she knew it was the last time. This was her goodbye to me. She wouldn't have to deal with the consequence of that hug because she was leaving.
After what seemed like an eternity, which still wasn't long enough for me, we loosened the embrace but didn't let go of each other. Our faces were so close I would only have to lean down a little to kiss her.
"Can I hold you a little longer?", I whispered, not trusting my voice.
She nodded slightly and that was all I needed.
I held her. I held her until at some point we were in her bed. Until her silent tears soaked my shirt and I managed to shed my ignorance, to understand that those tears weren't just dedicated to me. She didn't want to leave, but she had no other choice.
I hugged her until they were no longer just hugs.
She broke, she let her walls down and maybe I shouldn't have let her, but I couldn't have cared less. She would leave, but right now she was mine and someone would have to shoot me to take away my last hours with her.
Neither of us spoke as I gently kissed her tears away. As she slid her hands under my shirt, her delicate fingers grazing the waistband of my briefs, and my soul begging her to never let go.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't forget her soft skin under my hand. Her hair on my neck, her heartbeat on my bare chest, her fingers clawing into my back, her legs wrapped around me and the worst feeling I had ever felt when I woke up the next morning to an empty bed.
It was the first time I stayed after the sex, after I cleaned myself up. The first time I slept in one bed with her on purpose. She didn't send me off and I didn't leave. I held her the whole night, stroking her hair until she fell asleep, only to wake up with vacant arms, on a vacant bed in a vacant room.
I never felt like that before. I felt like dying inside. I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. She left me without another word. She was gone without saying another goodbye.
I requested two emergency appointments with Toyonaka-san, my therapist, so far. That was the first time.
And I know that she had done that because she couldn't endure it herself. I had felt it in her tears and in the way she turned her head whenever I was too close to her lips. It would have shattered her, and she had made sure it didn't. But now it was me who was broken, and I wondered if this was how she felt every time I left her after we had sex.
That last bit of intimacy was her goodbye.
She left.
She fucking left me-
"Omi-Omi?"
Startled, I looked to Hinata. For a moment, I had forgotten where I was - in the car heading towards Tokyo.
"Are you okay?" He leaned back out of the passenger seat to flash me a worried smile. The kind of smile I'd been getting for weeks, the kind of smile I loathed. "You barely spoke the whole ride."
Suddenly I felt two more pairs of eyes on me. Once again, I had lost myself in that memory.
I tried not to think about my last interaction with Arisa often, because it always ends up with an agonizing tightening in my chest. I was doing fine actually, but with every mile I got closer to her, I could no longer hold back that very memory. The more I tried to repress it, the more often and intensely it played itself out in my mind.
"He's fine," Inunaki answered next to me without looking up from his phone, which he had been using for hours. "Except that he's probably shitting himself because he's going to see Arisa soon."
A horrified murmur went through the car, which made my eyes roll.
"Inu-san!"
"Damn it Inunaki!"
"Wan-san!" shouted Hinata, Atsumu, and Bokuto in confusion, though I was only worried about the last one, since he could barely avert his shocked gaze at the rearview mirror while driving.
They hardly ever talk about Arisa in my presence.
The one addressed looked up, unimpressed. "What? I'm just voicing out what we're all thinking."
"So what?! You don't have to expose him like that!"
Massaging the bridge of my nose, I leaned my head back against the clean, cold car window.
Am I able to jump out of the car at this speed without wearing permanent damage?
"I didn't. Would you mind looking at the road again Bokuto? I'm hanging on for dear life."
My warm breath fogged up the window a bit, which is why the tall distant buildings of Tokyo, were barely visible, which is why I now turned my attention to the scenery. Despite the fact that autumn still was warm, the leaves were already beginning to turn colorful on the trees. I wasn't a person lost in thought, and I was even less the person to lean his fucking head against the windshield on a car ride to enjoy the view like a schoolgirl. Nevertheless, I did, hoping I could extend the trip a bit by doing so.
"Ever since Omi went to therapy, you've taken over the sourpuss post," Atsumu muttered, "That's why ya still don't hav'a girlfriend."
"I don't have a girlfriend because I don't want none," the libero retorted sharply.
"Yea?" Atsumu's voice let it be known that he knew something I had no idea about and would like to keep it that way. Even though I was now doing and talking more with the boys, I still didn't want to know about each individual's problems.
"And what about you, huh?" Abruptly, he put the phone away. "Ever since you've been triple dumped together with Sakusa and Argentina-kun, all you've been doing outside of volleyball is looking for a girlfriend!" Inunaki getting loud didn't happen often. Atsumu must have actually struck a nerve.
Well, I couldn't care less if it wasn't for the fact that I had to listen to their yelling right next to me.
"I wasn't dumped by Arisa. Unlike Omi, I didn't even hav'a date with her!" the setter countered in the same volume.
I didn't have a date eighter. It wasn't a date. It was the burial of my hope and self-confidence.
"The three of you planned it! Sakusa was merely the protagonist who got to carry it out. On a single date, she dropped three guys at once. Triple homicide."
"WHO HURT'CHA MAN?!" Atsumu pushed Inunaki's head away so that it was now on top of me.
The libero immediately pushed back, which meant that now not his head, but his whole body was pressed against mine. "NOBODY!"
"Stop the car," I whispered darkly, yet loud enough for Bokuto to hear.
All the therapy sessions in the world wouldn't be enough to make one of my teammates sit on my lap.
"Stop the car or I swear to god I will jump out."
*
"Speaking of Arisa..." I felt Hinata's gaze on the back of my head. We had switched seats, which now put me in the passenger seat. I tried not to roll my eyes. I wanted to tell him that I wouldn't lose my mind right away if they talked about her, but with the distance getting shorter, I wasn't so sure about that anymore. "I miss her as our manager," he continued.
An approving grumble went through the car.
It turns out that managers aren't supposed to book you flights for private events. It also turns out that they don't have to remind you to book your ticket on your own. It turns out we didn't value all of Arisa's extra, unpaid work enough and took it for granted at some point.
Arisa had worked her replacement in, but he couldn't even begin to hold a candle to her, despite having more experience. No more individual reports, no more reminders of appointments, no extra practice camps; all of that was apparently not part of a manager's job. The new guy wasn't doing a bad job, but he was only doing what was necessary. Half of what Arisa did for us seemed to be on a voluntary basis. We had gotten used to it, noticeable by the fact that we expected the same level again and didn't live up to it.
"The new manager sucks ass." Atsumu agreed.
Funny how almost everyone on the team still calls him 'the new manager' even though he's been with us twice as long as Arisa has been.
"He doesn't," Inunaki intervenes. "He's just doing his job and..." He paused for a moment. "That's all he does? - You're right, he sucks ass."
"I don't like the new manager, he's got Bokuto all grown up and bossy."
Hinata's comment caused the silver-haired man to draw in his breath in disbelieve. "I'm not bossy!"
"You yelled at Tsumu and Wan-san in the parking lot ten minutes ago."
"Because they scared Omi!"
I wasn't scared, but I let it pass because I was enjoying the new seat up front way too much to give it back to Hinata. We had agreed to switch seats every hour because no one wants to sit in the back with two other muscular guys.
"I don't like that guy." Atsumu tried to put his feet up on the center console, but I immediately blocked him from doing so with my elbow. Over my dead body would I have his feet right in front of me. I don't care how bad the constant sitting made him feel. "He never wants to spend time with us anyway. He's gone as soon as his shift is over. I bet he just picked us to be popular with the girls."
No sooner had Atsumu said this than all three boys in the back began to mock Meian in childish voices.
"He DoEsN't hAvE tO bE fRiEnDs wItH uS To mAnAgE uS."
"Easy for him to say when he's gone all the damn time," Atsumu continued. "All I'm saying is that if Arisa hadn't left us, we wouldn't need to be squeezed in this car fer hours."
"We also wouldn't need to be squeezed in this car for hours if she hadn't joined us in first place," Inunaki reminds him, to which the setter shoots him an annoyed look, but doesn't reply because he's right about that.
"Naww, don't say that." Bokuto's good mood was back. He literally sparkles, smiling so much. "I think Meian would have met Sonoko either way," he beamed, pounding the steering wheel excitedly. "Can you guys believe our captain's really getting married!?"
Honestly, I couldn't when he told me. I can understand what he likes about her looks, she's beautiful and all, but the rest? She's bossy, stubborn, loud and apparently everything he loves.
I know she must be different to him in private, but to me she's just mean whenever she visits him, which is pretty damn often.
It didn't take me long to realize that she's just being mean to me, which I guess is what you get for hurting her niece.
And with Sonoko's constant visits, I understood once again why Arisa had to leave.
I have nothing against Sonoko per se, but I too did not want to see her continuously. She is one of the many things that remind me of failing. Her manner was just the extra point why I avoided her even more.
I bet she didn't want me at her wedding any more than I wanted to be there. Sucks for her, Meian treats me like a sibling. Sucks double for her, I'd rather be at a crowded wedding than not see Arisa again.
"He can become a father now!"
"Bokkun, you know you can become a father without being married, right?"
The town sign we passed made me tune out my teammates' conversations.
20km to Tokyo.
Inevitably, my mind drifted back to my last memory with her.
Would she have let this happen if she knew we would see each other again after almost two years? After two years of no contact, except for the snippets of conversations I picked up here and there during her phone calls with Bokuto or Atsumu. Because I had respected her decision to cut off contact until it was her birthday. That would be fine, I had thought. But when I tried to congratulate her with a text message, it came back with a 'this phone number no longer exists'. It didn't feel nearly as bad as the morning she left, but it was awfully close.
I understood more and more why Arisa hadn't given me another chance. The pain of being rejected by someone important feels like claws clawing deeper and deeper into your soul until there's nothing left of you.
The only difference was that I discovered all these feelings at once. It's like someone gave me a heart and all these feelings just to rip them apart shortly after.
However, even that didn't stop me from thinking about her almost every day. It didn't stop me from talking about her so often in my sessions, my therapist only allowed me the topic of Arisa every other session. She advised me to start seeing other girls, but the mere thought of it felt like someone was peeling the skin off my body. She is the only one for me and I was dumb enough to ruin whatever we had.
The reason I didn't want to go to this wedding wasn't even the fact that so many people would be there, or that Inunaki is right and I'm totally shitting my pants because I will be seeing her, but the fact that so many people would be between us.
I often imagined seeing her again, but not in a room with tens of hundreds of people.
But it didn't matter. I would see her tomorrow. This time she couldn't say no. She would be there and so would I.
10km to Tokyo.
My heart was hammering in my throat.
Two years.
Two years and 10km separating me from her.
"And what are you going to do about it?" My therapist's rhetoric question came back to my mind.
Yesterday I couldn't make any response because I wasn't sure yet, she knew that. She had asked me that so I could Think about it and now, the closer I got to her, the clearer the answer became.
I simply couldn't see her and go through it all again. I couldn't go back to another two years, unable to think of anything but her.
The answer was obvious.
I'm getting my girl back.
__________________________________
Hope you enjoyed! ❤️
To all my readers freaking out about the two year gap lmao I'm sorry.
But don't worry, after this story is "finished" I will post a looooot of extra canon chapters that also include the 2 years gap, but also much much more. I can't fit all my ideas and events that have happened and or will happen, in one story, that would go beyond the scope. This also includes e.g. the first meeting of Sonoko and Meian. Hence the extra chapters! This will also please those who don't want this story to end.