Physical Attraction | Sakusa Kiyoomi

53.

"She said no!"

Upset, I stomped around the spacious room. It was decorated in earthy tones for a calming effect, but I felt none of that right now. What I felt was pure despair.

"I poured out all of my heart and she said no! I- what else am I supposed to do?!"

"Kiyoomi-san." My therapist's soothing voice echoed through the room. "Please sit down, your pacing is driving me up the wall."

I stopped but did not sit down. How could I when all these emotions were about to explode out of me. The last thing on my mind was sitting down.

"Please, sit down," she insisted again. Sighing, I acquiesced before dropping into the big brown leather chair.

"Happy?"

"It's best for you. It's true that when we're in motion, we come up with more ideas-"

"But it's only when our bodies are at rest that we can sort out our thoughts," I finished her sentence, for I had heard it often enough. "Yeah, yeah I know."

"Interesting," she muttered, which didn't bode well. Because an 'interesting' was always followed by the click of her pen. Rolling my eyes, I waited for her to make a statement, which she always transparently shared with me. "You know what's good for you but decide against it knowingly. Why do you think that is?"

It was a rhetorical question to which she already knew the answer but wanted to hear it from me again. By now I was cooperative enough to answer these questions, but not today. Today I was only concerned with one thing and if it didn't clear up soon, I would go crazy.

The lady in the chair across from me eyed me. She was probably in her mid-50s, married with four children. She hadn't told me that, the ring on her finger and the many photos in her office told me anyway. She made no secret of it and if I asked her, she would certainly tell me. However, I always had so much to say that my session was over before I could even think of asking about something like that.

"All right, I'll leave it at that," she waved it off. "Tell me why you're here today."

"She said no," I repeated. "Arisa said-"

"No." she finished my sentence. "I already know that much. What happened for you to be upset like this?"

I told her what she already knew. About my teamwork with Atsumu and Oikawa, about the flower field and the windmill, about my gift and my speech. Of my feelings and finally Arisa's answer.

"She said she already told me not to change for of her and that she thinks it's great that I'm in therapy, but not to do it because of her." I waited for a response from my therapist, however she looked at me silently. A prompt to continue speaking. "She said she wished she could believe me, but that she couldn't. Not after everything that's happened. And-" I had to swallow hard before taking a deep breath to continue speaking.

___

Her eyes filled with unshed tears, which she quickly tried to blink away.

"The fact that you like yourself better when you're with me makes me happier than is good for me," she confessed, "But unfortunately, I feel the absolute opposite."

It made no sense to me. I wanted to say something back, to ask her something, but my mouth was sealed by the pain in my chest.

"I've lost myself so much in you. Unlike you, I absolutely dislike how and who I am around you. I let you do everything to me and that's not really who I am. I didn't realize that until I got to Tokyo, when we hadn't had anything to do with each other for so long and I had the actual distance I needed from you." She took a shaky breath. "Three months ago, this probably would have been enough for me, this would have been everything I asked for but it's not anymore. Just like you, I need to work on myself. I don't think this is a good idea with the two of us. I need someone who won't try to bend me into what he wants me to be."