Hello there. So, I know I make that joke almost every time by now, but ...in terms of chapters, we finally have a new chapter. Yeah, party hard! Anyway, so yes I don't really have anything to say, apart from enjoying the chapter, I'm still writing but yeah you know how it is life is getting in the way and even though the updates are all over the place, I won't stop writing this book until I have the 200 chapter mark, so chill. It's a bit more dramatic than planned actually but yes. As always, comments and everything else really is appreciated. It just motivates me to write more, so if you want more, leave me a cute message or a comment. I love those. Enjoy reading, it's a mid-length one so 6.2 K. Cheers!
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The shining sun was colouring the early morning in warm light causing Max's hair to twinkle a little bit. Sitting in bed next to him, her head leaned against the backrest, Joanna smiled slightly as Max exhaled, pulling her attention to him before Joanna looked down at Max's phone in her hand. She had woken up earlier than him and knowing that he needed every moment of sleep he could get after the night he just had, the Austrian was waiting for his alarm to go off, ready to stop it before it can wake Max up.
The moment the numbers turned on his screen the alarm went off which caused Joanna to turn it off right away before putting Max's phone back onto the bedside table. Leaning back against the headboard, Joanna pulled her legs up to her chest, before hugging her arms around them.
The things Sebastian had said last night stole all her sleep away. Since the day she lost her first child, Joanna had decided to let Mark become one of her ghosts. The Aussie could haunt her all he wanted, but he couldn't harm her any longer. He was gone. His knife blunt. The power of his words faded. He couldn't harm her any longer, for he was gone.
Losing a child is the foulest Joanna had ever had to feel. She felt numb. Her mind and soul were dying while her body screamed in pain. A rotten foul thing which wasn't able to carry out the task evolution had given it. Joanna's numbness never turned into grief. Grief would have meant that one day she might be able to get over it, to live with it, but her numbness turned into rage.
Rage that she had been left alone in such chaos, that the people closest to her could never know, that her father wouldn't have a single word of comfort for her, just judging looks and even more hurtful words. That night, all alone in a hospital room in a foreign country, Joanna had wished to die.
She felt so unbelievably lonely. Like a weak animal left to die and nobody cared enough to even look over their shoulder to see her go. She was drained. Her mind in a blank state, she feared her body would give in, so she actively had to remind herself to breathe. She wondered which part of her, exactly, was still functioning properly. Has she not failed one time too often by now?
The guilt threatened to suffocate her. Joanna had wanted to call Sebastian too desperately, to bail on the phone, a mixture of English and German until she would calm down enough to ask the man, who was her family to come and hold her. She never reached for her phone. Joanna went through it alone. As she was destined to be. Infinite sadness was her inheritance she was never meant for something else, and she understood that this very night in which she lost her first child.
Joanna was always intrigued by the things which were forbidden. She wanted what she couldn't have and more often than not, she got it in the end, but the price, which was to be paid, why would she ever pay such a prize? Who was she to do this to herself?
One bloody night shortly after she had lost her first baby, a son, Joanna took a knife. Her body still hurting from the loss of her child, her mind fogged and she cut all the infected flesh out like a maddened butcher. Everything which was a reminder of Mark had to go. She cut and cut and cut until all that was left was a mass of barely pulsing flesh. It was madness, but she had to do it, had to cut Mark out of her life as a whole, or she would have died with her child.
Joanna never really thought about that night in which she had decided in order for her to live to survive, Mark had to die, at least for her. Other than he would have wanted, she made him a ghost and never once spoke a further word about the child they'd lost.
Mark. Michael. Sebastian. Jenson. Daniel. Jules. Nico. Lewis. Fernando. Max.
The list was long.
All of these men held a piece of her. Each and every one of them held a splinter of her soul. Some, she was willing to give. Sebastian, her first real friend in a world too big for herself. He offered her a piece of his own soul in return and Joanna was endlessly happy to trade parts of their souls, to intervein the red thread of destiny.
Jenson, a man she loved deeply. In another world, if their timing might have been right, she could have imagined being the mother of his children, but they never talked about it. They just deeply enjoyed each other's company, this possibility long gone, and they are both happy with it.
Michael, the mentor she never dared to hope for. A man, who taught her so many things and not all about racing. He was the one, who opened Joanna's eyes and let her realise that winning wasn't everything. That life had so much more to offer than shiny trophies and top steps.
She had given these people splinters of her soul and never regretted it. Not for a single moment. Even though things were difficult sometimes. After Michael had his accident, which had banned Sebastian to a dark place, Joanna struggled a lot. Two of the most important people in her life at that time just broke away and she did everything to bring back Sebastian from the darkness.
Jenson, Sebastian and Michael. With them, it was frictionless love. It was such a deep connection no matter how far away, Joanna could stop speaking to them for years, but the moment they saw each other again, it would be as if they never lost contact. It was so different from every other relationship she had in her life.
There were other people in her life she loved, she considered part of her family, but they never offered splinters of their soul back, or their splinters cut Joanna, made her bleed.
Lewis, a fried so loyal, he deserved the world, but his heart was slowly turning to stone. He always tried his best to offer support and be there, but he was distant like no other, but Joanna was important to Lewis and therefore he would die for her without a second thought. Joanna felt as if the part of his soul he offered was flickering, just like the rest of Lewis. More often than not, Joanna had been worried about the Brit, due to another friend of hers.
Nico, the man who's one of a kind. When she had first joined Formula One, Joanna couldn't figure out to safe her life if Nico liked her or not. He seemed annoyed by her, not interested in even be friendly and Sebastian always liked to joke it was due to Michael taking Sebastian and her under his wing. As young as Joanna had been back then, she just shrugged, not seeing the pressure under which Nico had to live every day. For a long time, Joanna had thought badly of Nico, but the day came she started to understand. He was just as lost and alone as all of them. They connected way later in their life after Joanna realised that in his own way, Nico had been holding out his hand to her for so long, offering everything he could, and Joanna was endlessly sorry that she hadn't realised it sooner. Nico was a good man. Marked from a life with the expectations of his father on his shoulders. Maybe they weren't getting along often because they were so similar, and they lacked understanding of each other.
Daniel, the first boy she met in karting. A bright-eyed Aussie, who came to Europe to conquer the world, but ended up missing his family dearly. Secretly, Joanna never understood, she had no family to miss, but something deep in her bones had told her to offer Daniel a shoulder to cry on. He was her childhood friend. A man, she considered her brother like no one else. The connection instantly, but on the splinter, Daniel gave her, she cut herself so many times already, Joanna is almost constantly blooding.
And then there is Jules. There was so much happiness in making all these memories with him, but the way he left them, the way he decided to go left Joanna with all her good memories tainted. He was a good person and a good friend, but she just can't manage to think back without her heart hurting and her throat closing itself. The splinter of his soul turned into a knife right in the place where it had connected with hers, turning and cutting, making her bleed and hurt. Jules will never again be a good memory. He left so much sorrow behind that Joanna barely can say his name. A piece of her died with him, as did a piece of Daniel and neither of them can forgive. Daniel can't forgive Joanna, who he still blamed for it and Joanna, she can't help herself but refuse to forgive herself and hate Jules for what he did to them.
All these people are good memories or were. A connection with them was never regretted, but there are still other people. People who took and took and did not care what happened to Joanna. She met a lot of these kinds of people but rarely allowed them to take. This mistake was made twice. The first man was Fernando and the second one was Mark.
Fernando was her first teammate, a man she looked up to, but soon she learned that she couldn't be friends with a shark, who saw her as just a little fish. The Spaniard used her weaknesses against her. The weakness of laying trust in her teammate when all she should do was play his games and make sure he lost, but Joanna was so young. A seventeen-year-old girl with bright eyes and so much hope, that the life she had until that point would be behind her from the very first time, she stepped into an F1 car. Nothing was behind her. Joanna had to learn that painfully. The Austrian had to figure out step by step that Fernando lied to her when she asked him what he thought about a track, or that he made sure that his mechanics would give her only fake data. Fernando was not the first one to twist a knife in her heart and call it helping her. He also wasn't the last one. Still, he possessed a part of a younger and naïve Joanna, she wished she could hand over to Max for safekeeping. He would have loved that version of her, maybe they wouldn't have struggled so much, would she have been that version as they met, but then again, if she would have stayed that girl, chances would have been high she would have married Jenson.
Fernando was a lecture to her in every way, but Mark was so much worse. Joanna had had a crush on the Spaniard shortly after meeting him, it was a mute fascination which was blown away, the moment Joanna noticed Fernando's hidden dislike and being her father's daughter, she noticed in under two weeks. With Mark it was different. Joanna had fallen victim to her addiction and Mark somehow was her way of controlling it. He was cruel and hurtful, hated Joanna and never shared a bed with her longer than for having sex. He loved to embarrass her because that was exactly what she and her best friend did with Mark on a daily basis by showing their rare talent. He humiliated her to feel better exactly like the bull he was, but at that time, Joanna did not see it that way. She saw Mark as the only person, who she could hand the control to when all she wanted to do was to get high. At one point her toxic brain made her believe she did it to protect Sebastian from Mark's wrath, but that was a lie, she did it for herself, so she could be sorry for herself.
Joanna was always broken and to say Mark did it to her would only be wrong. But she did try to add to reason with Mark. Tried to give a reason for how shitty she felt. Their relationship was toxic and unhealthy in every way, they never had any romantic feelings for each other. Joanna only knew that Mark had to feel something, but he never named it and if he did the only emotion, he felt towards the Austrian was rage. The first time she thought that she could have romantic feelings for Mark, that they could make it was as she figured out, she was pregnant, but how that went is by now public knowledge.
For a long time, Joanna tried not to love Max due to the resemblance she saw to Mark. At first, his interest scared her, so she tried to brush it off, but it also reminded her of how Mark began to act once they were over for real. The sudden kindness in the hope Joanna would never talk about it. It took the Austrian a few long months to realise that these two had nothing in common. Mark couldn't be compared with someone like Max.
Max was the love of her life. She knew that now, well actually she knew that for a very long time, Joanna just didn't want it to be real for his sake. The Austrian carried around so much ballast, it was wildly naïve to think that someone would ever want to carry all that luggage with her, but then she found Max, who offered to carry it all with no second thought which scared Joanna. He should have thought about it some more, he should have considered that Joanna wasn't as perfect as the media portrayed her to be.
She was a broken mess, but the fans wanted to see a champion, not someone who was just like them. It would have destroyed the illusion of the living legend. The illusion of the legacy she took over from her father, so despite seeing her flaws, Joanna was sure the press knew all her flaws, they painted this picture of her, which Joanna can't even look at. So many people must have been disappointed when they finally met her because after all, she's nothing like these painted pictures.
If all the broken pieces of her would show in lines on her body where she had put them together, she would look like art. An unsettling but at the same time calming thought.
Biting her lip, Joanna looked down at Max, who was snoring quietly next to her an indicator of how much he had to drink last night. Reaching out, she allowed her fingers to brush through his hair while watching how his chest rose and fell which caused Joanna to close her eyes before resting her head against the headboard to look up at the ceiling.
In a few short months, they would have a small human being to take care of. A son of their own. They would feed him, make sure he enjoys his bathing time, change his diapers and buy him way too many toys and cute outfits. They would go overboard with presents, even though Joanna knew that it was very important to Max to raise a humble and thankful boy. Joanna wants that too, but she wants her child to have everything he could possibly want. People might see a problem with that, but Joanna wanted to give him what she never had, not until she had her own money.
He would be loved in so many ways Joanna never dared to wish for herself. Their baby would have a loving father and a mother who would try to give all the love in her heart. Not one day would he go to bed without knowing how much he is loved and appreciated. They might not have planned for him to happen, but that did not mean that they didn't want him. This baby is going to be the most precious thing in Joanna's life. No money could buy that, and she would never allow anything to take that away from them.
Joanna would lie would she say she did not fear the foundation and what they can do. Once upon a time, the Lauda foundation was created to protect the children and make that the wealth of the family would be inherited by the children through the bloodline, but these rules were outdated and considered cruel by now. Joanna intended to raise her child herself and against common belief, not an army of nannies would raise the boy. He would be loved and cherished by his parents, who won't just use him for sweet pictures and to parade him around when they felt like saying that they were a parent too was necessary once again. They won't leave them in hands of strangers to fly around the world until he had a closer connection to these people than to his own parents, which he then must consider strangers. Max and Joanna, they will do the heavy lifting, everything which was part of being a parent. No matter what the world thought.
Looking down at her hands, Joanna tried to see if they were shaking. Knowing what the early symptoms of her sickness would be was hell. Knowing that she indeed had it was hell. Waiting for it to break out or not was hell. Not knowing how much time she had left was hell, but then again, who did know that?
Having to live with a big fat 'maybe' hanging over her head changed the way Joanna thought about a few things. It did not change her approach to life, not just yet, but she knew that for her priorities have changed. They could not be the same as before, how could they?
Exhaling slowly, Joanna knew she had to wake Max. They were both expected. He in the paddock and she was meant to go shopping, but her mind seemed to keep wandering off. The topic of Max taking action against Kiwi without telling Joanna was still heavy on her mind. She wondered if him not telling her, keeping secrets meant he did not trust her. In the end, he took the right actions, and she was thankful that he had her back and protected her as it mattered even though the outcome wasn't to be changed, but she feared the future.
There were so much bigger players coming their way. Joanna could feel it in her bones and for that, they needed fully open and honest communication. A thing that was always a struggle for them. Normally it was Joanna, who struggled but now Max started doing the same and it left a bitter taste in Joanna's mouth. Joanna needed some time to think, and she hoped she would manage that during the shopping trip which she would be late to if she won't get up soon.
She took a deep breath before setting down next to Max with the intention to wake him gently.
Reaching out, Joanna let her fingertips dance over the skin of his cheek, stroking gently which caused Max to mutter in his sleep before moving his hand up to take Joanna's in his and stop her gentle but slightly irritating touching.
"J, please." He muttered which caused the Austrian to smile slightly, before pulling her hand from his hold where he had rested them on his chest, eyes firmly shut.
The Dutchman groaned again as he felt both of the Austrian's hands on his face cupping his jaw gently, the cast on Joanna's hand leaning uncomfortably against his cheek.
"If you want sex, I'm up to it. Just don't wake me." Max said causing Joanna to swat at his chest earning herself another sound of protest.
"You need to get up. I have to leave for shopping, and you have to go to work." Joanna told him, leaning over Max like that caused some of her hair to fall into his face causing Max to pull a grimace, before reaching out, his hands cupping Joanna's face but only after he had made sure he had gathered her hair in his hands to hold them out of his face.
"Don't pretend you wouldn't want to switch."
"Yeah well, a certain someone made sure I won't work anytime soon." The Austrian said while pulling back, which caused Max to open his eyes before he smirked at her, rolling onto his side to rest his hand on Joanna's belly. Brushing over the fabric of the shirt she was wearing gently.
"How terrible, really." He muttered half-heartedly. "How is my son today?" Max wondered looking at Joanna's baby bump while sitting up to lean against the headboard as well, pulling Joanna against him.
"He's well," Joanna said muted before she pushed Max's hand off her belly and climbed out of the bed to go to collect what she wanted to wear for the shopping trip.
"Wanna know how your son's incubator feels too?" She called over her shoulder unimpressed which caused Max to exhale slowly while flopping down on the bed to look up at the ceiling for a moment before he got out of bed and moved to step behind Joanna. His hands gently and loosely enough wrapped around her belly, before he lowered his head to lean his cheek on Joanna's shoulder, his head turned to look at her.
"Why didn't you wake me?" Max wanted to know while Joanna held out one of her shirts in front of her to see if it goes well with the pair of jeans she has decided on, one of the few that still fit her at this point. She really needed to start buying pregnancy trousers. Max took the white shirt from Joanna's hands and handed her a blouse in beautiful royal blue which went with the pair of jeans.
"What do you mean?" She asked. "I did."
"Yeah, but not before you had too much time to overthink stuff rather than you're talking about it with me. So, what's on your mind?" He wanted to know, and a part of Joanna wanted to be petty, she wanted to mention something about Daniel and Max and the fact that he got drunk last night, but since she was pregnant the energy, she could use to be petty was limited and she was sure she would still need some of that energy during her shopping trip.
"I want him tested the moment he's born." Joanna then said to her own surprise. That was not the most pressing topic at hand, but it was the topic which rested like a rock in the pit of her stomach.
Max did not speak, he simply reached out with his fingers to touch Joanna's chin before turning her head and making her look at him. Their eyes met for a long moment before Joanna watched as Max's gaze landed on her lips before he dived forward and pulled her into a soft kiss. Sharing a slow kiss, Max's hand slipped from Joanna's body which caused the Austrian to turn around. The broken hand against his bare chest while the fingertips of the other hand rested against his chin.
"Everything you want," Max muttered between two kisses. "I would lie would I say I don't want the two of you as safe as humanly possible, but J. We talked about this. We're not spending the rest of our lives afraid that something could happen to you or him. We have each other and for now, that's everything I can ask for." He kissed her again, his hand gently resting on the baby belly which caused Joanna, to wrap her arms around him so he would just hold her tightly in his arms.
"But I would also feel better if you let another doctor have a look at you. I know we trust your doctor in Vienna, but just to make sure, so we both can sleep better?" The Dutchman said which caused the Austrian to nod against his shoulder yes, no words needed, he understood her.
"I love you, Max. For better or worse." Joanna muttered against his shoulder causing the Dutchman to reach up and brush with his free hand over her hair, before returning the sentimentality.
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To say that Charles was uncomfortable with this situation was the understatement of the century. He already felt awful for bulling Pia into this situation but now having to be the one driving them was a nightmare, especially after Pia somehow managed to convince Joanna Lauda of all people to come with them.
At first, it was fine, he was so sure it would be alright as he waited with Charlotte by his side in the lobby, the other two girls still missing despite the fact that they all should have gathered here about ten minutes ago. Charles gave his girlfriend a smile, desperately trying to hide how nervous he was about the whole situation. He should have just shut up, saying that Pia wants to go shopping with Charlotte was cruel, but yeah Pia got her revenge by asking Joanna, who the Monegasque was avoiding for a few days.
"Sorry, I'm late," Pia called as she swiftly walked over to Charles and Charlotte, she had the decency to be bothered about being late, before she allowed Charlotte to hug her who reassured the Italian that everything was well, while Pia seemed indecisive if she wanted to give Charles a hateful glance or if she wanted to avoid looking at him altogether. Pia had just moved over to Charles who automatically lifted his arms a bit, unsure if she had to hug him as a greeting or not. Well, they did hug, and the Italian used that moment to whisper to Charles that she hated him, which.... fair enough.
The Monegasque just gave her an apologising and painful expression which he tried to hide behind an awful smile, he looked as if he was sick, but nobody questioned him thankfully as the elevator announced two more people.
Other than Pia, Joanna wasn't even bothered to quicken her steps in the slightest. Max by her side, their fingers intervened but they let go the moment they moved to step out of the lift. Seemed to be an old habit, due to Max reaching out to wrap his arm around Joanna's shoulder right away. Not afraid to get caught together any longer and suddenly Charles felt really bad for standing next to Pia and not next to the woman he called his girlfriend.
"Morning." Joanna greeted as they stepped up to them, causing the girls to greet her with a hug as they did with Max as well. Charlotte, as happy as always even though she never interacted with Joanna before and Pia seemed relieved to see the Austrian and even more Max, who she asked if he didn't want to join them after all, but the Dutchman had a job to do. Joanna elbowed Max inconspicuously so he would greet Charles. Which he did with a muttering of his last name, but actually, Charles couldn't care less. He was more surprised that Joanna had pulled him into her arms as well, the baby bump suddenly so noticeable, he nearly missed her threatful whispered words.
"You are so dead, Leclerc when I get you alone." That weren't the kindest words he had ever heard from the Austrian for sure.
"Well then," Charlotte said as soon as they all greeted each other. "We should go, or the boys might miss practice." As thoughtful as always, she spoke which caused Charles to nod.
He so regretted that Charlotte isn't allowed to drive his company car due to her not standing on some stupid list, Joanna was unable to due to her broken arm and Pia never got a license, so it was him who would bring the girl to the shopping centre.
"Yeah, let's go. We will surely have more fun than you guys." Pia said, trying to sound enthusiastic about this trip, despite four of the five people present knowing that not only Joanna but Pia as well would rather go to the track and watch the free practice.
"Yeah sure," Max muttered his arms still around Joanna, the gaze sternly on Charles, before his expression softened and he leaned down to kiss Joanna, who raised her hand to steady herself against him, her hand finding his shoulder.
"Max." She whispered with amusement in her voice. "We're not alone." She reminded him but the Dutchman kissed her again, not caring about the audience.
"Don't care." He muttered back, which caused Joanna to shake her head fondly at him, while Max's attention suddenly was on Charles.
"Don't kill her or my baby if you can manage, Leclerc," Max said, before pressing another kiss to Joanna's temple, a promise of lunch together in the air, a swift goodbye spoken before the Dutchman was gone without giving Charles the chance to answer and they remaining people made their way to Charles car.
The first thing that was spoken about was that Joanna had to sit in the front seat due to her needing the comfort for her growing baby bump. All the Austrian said was that she was more than fine, but she did take the seat after thanking the girls shortly.
Having the luxury of Max driving them more often than not, Joanna forgot how much she hated it when someone else was driving and if that certain someone was more looking into the mirror to watch his girlfriend talk at the woman he loved, she can't be blamed for her actions. Charlotte had just started to ask Pia about her little brothers, which caused the Italian to give the first real smile Joanna had seen in a rather long time, Joanna used the distracted state of the other two women for a comment or two.
"If you keep driving like that, you will really kill us. At least pretend to look at the street, Charles." Joanna muttered at Charles, who pulled his gaze from the street to look at the Austrian next to him, who had rested her broken hand on her belly.
"Everyone is perfectly safe." The Monegasque answered her but made sure to look at the street again.
"Everyone but you. You do realise that we're going to have a talk later?" She wanted to know what caused Charles to raise an eyebrow, before checking the mirror again, causing Joanna to reach out with her good hand to brace herself for an accident. She fucking hated Charles for not paying enough attention to the streets.
"You don't even like her, don't pretend you suddenly do." The Monegasque then muttered, sure that the girls were too busy talking about Pia's siblings and the wood swords she had bought them some time ago.
"Funnily enough, it's not about her. It's about your behaviour. I believed in you, so I helped you. Don't make me realise that giving you a push in the right direction was a mistake and don't you dare turn out to be a disappointment. We both know you couldn't live with that." Joanna told him harshly, which caused Charles to swallow the memory of his father and Jules coming to his mind.
"Joanna do you already have baby names?" Charlotte suddenly wanted to know, the conversation about wooden swords apparently at its end. "I mean, there must be so much on your mind."
"Actually, it's a family tradition for the man to name the kids, so Max is going to have to think about baby names." The Austrian said which caused Charlotte to move forward in her seat so she could rest her hand on both backrests of the front seats.
"Really? That's a huge show of trust. I don't know if I could do that, like what would you name our son Charles?" The Monegasque suddenly asked, which caused Pia and Charles to speak at the same time.
"Elliott." They both said without a second thought which caused Charlotte to turn around to look at Pia while Joanna made the mental note to tell Max about what had just happened later. These people are unbelievable.
"Hopeless," Joanna muttered under her breath unimpressed before she looked over her shoulder and smiled at Charlotte.
"That's such a great name, honestly." She told Charlotte a bright smile on her face. "It's my secret name of choice. I think we consider it by now. I talked with Pia about it actually, so she can influence Max a little. I know, it's sneaky, but my son has his name for the rest of his life." Joanna added before she turned a little bit to pad Pia's knee.
"Wrong guy but great support as always, champ." The Austrian said, which caused Pia to try and hold in her snort. This woman could tell the world that the mood is purple, and they would believe her.
"I must have mentioned it to Charles as well. Seems like the baby name topic does influence me more than I thought." Joanna said with a smile and at that moment, Pia loved her for her quick thinking.
"Oh, yeah I think Joanna is right." Pia said with a laugh, trying to brush it off while Joanna searched for eye contact through the mirror giving her a look which meant 'stay strong now is not the time to break down and confess'.
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Sitting in the comfy chair at the entrance of the fitting room, Joanna had made an excuse to go and sit down. Well, it wasn't really an excuse, she was terribly tired and standing in the corner at the end, waiting outside while Charlotte tried on a bunch of ugly yellow bikinis wasn't really exciting to her. Joanna was just checking her phone, to make sure the next baby check-up was scheduled as Pia came to sit down next to her.
"Told her I'm checking on you," Pia muttered while she moved her hands into her hair. It must be terribly draining for the Italian to listen to Charlotte talk about Charles like that.
"Obviously," Joanna muttered before she glanced over at Pia and they shared a smirk.
"Elliott." The Austrian muttered which caused Pia to shake her head. "I can't believe you made her believe that. She does think your son will be named Elliott." Pia said before resting her face in her hands.
"You know, I think other people have dibs on that name," Joanna muttered before she reached out with her good hand and rested it on Pia's knee again without looking at the Italian.
"Do you want to know why you're still alive after all that happened to you?" Joanna wanted to know which caused Pia to look up before shaking her head. "Because you are a woman. We're in control because we think we have to. You kick yourself back alive because that's what your mother thought you to do. Because that's how it is to be a woman in our world. Charles is a man. He will always have privileges that you're afraid of claiming for yourself. You're stuck in your role. Afraid to show your anger because deep down, you are afraid it will mean that you lost the control which they told you you need to have." Joanna paused, her gaze on the end of the corridor with the fitting rooms lining up left and right still, before she looked at the Italian.
"But I will tell you a secret, Pia. Almost every woman I have ever met has a secret belief that she is just on the edge of madness, that there is some deep and crazy part within her, that she must be on guard constantly against losing control. Control of her temper, of her appetite, of her sexuality, of her feelings, of her ambitions, of her secret fantasies, of her mind. What do you think how powerful we would be if we would live like men? You ever have the urge to scream but you don't do it because you feel like you will never stop? That is what it means to be a woman. There is a difference between men and women. A difference not to be ashamed of but we are."