Warmth. The feeling of wrapping my hands around a fresh mug of perfectly heated hot chocolate on a stormy day, the calm and indescribable peace that comes along with that sugary perfection is the exact feeling I'm swooped up in.
I've yet to open my eyes, the overwhelming serenity blanketing every fiber of my body has me reveling in this moment for just a second longer. The subtle rise and fall of Grayson's chest beneath me is a gentle lull, keeping me tethered to him. The steady rhythm of his heart playing against my ear, settling across my chest and awaking my own beating rhythm. One swaying in tandem to his.
I kind of want to live in this moment. I want to capture it, place it in a keepsake box and treasure it. But the way his breaths begin to change, the way his fingers glide ever so slowly along my hip, tells me he's already awake. And the heat I feel against my skin tells me something else.
"Stop being a creeper, Adler," I grin against his chest.
I can feel his smile, despite the fact I have yet to open my eyes. "I'm not creeping, Tink. I'm watching you."
"Pretty sure that's the definition of a creeper," my smile widens, trailing my fingers up each ripple of his abs, making my way over his chest.
"Do you want me to stop?"
My hand continues, gliding along his collarbone until my fingers can slip into his hair at the base of his neck. I love the way his hair slides so easily through my fingers. And the way that faint growl takes place deep in his throat whenever I do.
Rolling my eyes open and pulling my gaze up to his, I smile into the chocolate depths of his eyes. "No. I don't want you to stop."
His hand slides along my cheek as he pulls me in, pressing his mouth to mine. The soft cushion of his lips sends a pulse to my chest, awakening the erratic flutters erupting throughout my stomach, arching their way to my toes. The sensation has a gentle moan escaping my lips.
"I like this," I whisper against him, feeling his eyes on me as I roll mine open to take him in.
"You like what? Kissing? Laying naked together?" That little smirk tugging at his lips continues the rush of flickering wings whispering around inside me.
"Yes," I smile, feeling his hand tighten against my waist. "But I meant waking up in your arms."
"Tink..." His thumb slowly slides across my cheek, holding me against him. His eyes flicker between mine as the warmth of our breaths tangle together. "I think this is quickly becoming my favorite thing."
"Same." So same. And the thought should be sending a fleet of warning bells throughout my system, shocking me back to a reality I used to reside in. But it's not. It's the complete opposite. I don't want to run. I don't want to throw up another brick wall for him to climb. I just want to revel in the heat of his gaze, in the comfort of his arms, and the frenzy of his touch.
His mouth finds mine again, the flurry of tingles consuming me once more. It doesn't just nestle into my stomach. Kissing Gray, waking up in his embrace, it's a whole tidal wave of fuzzies and heated fire all jumbled up into one ravishing tsunami of everything great. It's a steaming cup of perfectly made hot chocolate, a walk-off homerun in extra innings, acing a test you worked your ass off for.
"Tink," he breathes against me, his forehead falling to mine.
"Yeah?" My eyes roll open, but his remain closed, the evidence of his thoughts screaming behind closed lids.
"Last night," he begins, pulling his eyes open to look at me. He shifts back slightly, just enough for the two of us to see one another. Hesitating for a moment, he runs his fingers along my temple to tuck the hair behind my ear. "Things felt different."
They did. I felt it from the moment he wrapped his arms around me in the parking lot at the game. The moment his lips captured mine in a very public way. I'm not usually about all that. But somewhere in the corners of my mind, I wanted people to see. I wanted them to know that Grayson Adler was mine.
Or that, I think he is.
Maybe.
"They did," I agree, letting the truth of what's happening between us settle within the tiny ounces of space still left between our bodies. The way our chests rise and fall together has this glimmer of anticipation swirling into my gut. I feel like I'm waiting... waiting for him to clarify what it is he's feeling, to acknowledge the same thing that's causing my heart to pound rapidly against my chest.
He holds onto the moment, the search for the right words evident in his eyes. "What's happening, Tink? What do you want to be happening?" His words fall against my chest, a tender weight pressing against the beating instrument inside. It doesn't necessarily feel heavy like it should. It's something else. An incomplete puzzle, a lock waiting to be opened.
"Gray," I whisper, turning myself to face him now, to let him see all the corners of my face, to feel the emotion that swarms every ounce of me when I look back at him. "I started this whole thing, the whole idea of friends with benefits, because I had a lot going on. And the thought of consuming myself in another relationship, of meeting certain expectations that come with that title, it felt like another thing being thrown onto my already crowded plate. Things with my dad, with Vince..."
The words on my tongue drift off, but Grayson's eyes hold tight to mine, keeping me with him as the air struggles its way through my lungs. The way his soft chocolate orbs captivate me, his hand bringing life and comfort to my erratic thoughts, has me finally taking a needed breath.
"When I found out he'd be getting out of prison," I continue softly. "I think I kind of lost my sense of direction. It's like everything I felt, every moment of fear that consumed me as a little girl came rushing back. And I know it sounds ridiculous. It's been so damn long since that night, since all of it, but it's like it just happened yesterday, you know? Like no time has actually passed."
"Mia," his voice slides out on a wave of warmth, surrounding my heart. Scooping it up and cradling it in this net of safekeeping. "I can't begin to even understand what it was like to witness the things you did growing up. But I'm here, I'm always going to be here, even if that means you need to keep things just as they are between us."
"I know that, Gray," I smile up at him, the dampness on my skin only registering when he slides his thumb along my cheek. His lips replace the cold left behind, kissing away the tears, one small lingering touch at a time.
When he settles back, his eyes connecting with mine, I take a small breath. Ready to let him in, completely. "I've seen a lot of shit a little girl should never have to witness. I heard more than I saw, his voice was so loud and scary... I swear, it's burned into a pocket of memories. It lies beside the crash of glass hitting the living room wall. It's nestled against the sound of my mom hitting the ground. It's the noises that remain the most vivid, because they woke me up in the middle of the night. But there's a few visions in there, too."
I hesitate, running my fingers along the ridges of Gray's chest, letting the warmth of his skin ground me. "Her shirt being torn in the kitchen after he pushed her... The way she lay lifeless in Tommy's arms the night my dad realized he lost her for good. That's the night that still plays in my nightmares."
His arms wrap me up, pulling me against him and allowing me to revel in the safety of his embrace.
"I think I always knew something wasn't right... The way he yelled, the way he hurt her. But I was so young. I never really pieced any of it together. Not until Tommy came into our life. When his presence gave me something... gave me a sense of protection I don't think I even realized I needed. And more than that, he showed me what loving someone should look like. But that night... When the noise got so loud, the only person I knew to call was Tommy. He stayed on that phone with me the entire time. He calmed me, distracted me from the things I couldn't even begin to comprehend. But he couldn't protect me from everything. He couldn't protect me from what I saw... He hurt her so bad..."
The words are lost again on a wave of tears, the images from that night flashing across my eyes. It's only in the way that Grayson pulls me to his chest, in the way the strength of his arms keeps me rooted in the present, that I'm able to pull myself from the thoughts that usually so easily consume me, that pull me down a darkened path.
"That night, it didn't end with what he did to my mom," I mutter, my eyes clinging back to Grayson's, ready to give him the final piece. "Hurting my mom like that is not what gave him the last thirteen years in prison, at least not that alone. My dad, he only hurt her when he had been drinking. And he had never hurt her that bad. I think maybe the reality of what he'd done hit him because he fled when Tommy got there. He got behind the wheel, and he took someone's life. He screwed up, he hurt her, and yet he got to walk away while that other driver didn't. I can't get it out of my head. I've never been able to get it out of my head."
Letting him hear the things that haunt me, letting it be free of the confinement I've kept it tightly bound to, frees something in me. I've told the story before to my therapist growing up. I've explained the bits and pieces that I could remember, shared the vivid visions that build my nightmares. But I've never felt this weightless before. And the way his steady arms keep me tethered to him has me breaking open.
"Grayson," I sit up, the tears now dry as a new sense of calm and understanding takes place. "My mom is so strong, but she let him take so much from her. She gave up all of her control, and I saw where that got her. And I've always feared that if I let myself be vulnerable with someone, if I let myself fall, like really fall, that I'll end up losing myself in the process. I've always tried to stay in control of my feelings. You stay in control, keep it close... you never have to worry about anyone else taking it away from you. And making you weak."
"You also never learn to trust, though, Mia." His eyes stay with mine, holding me to him as his fingers slide along my leg, keeping contact with me.
"I know. But see, I've always had a problem trusting people anyway. I'm terrified that I'll place my trust in the wrong person. It's why I always keep a safe distance, why I always have my guard up. And it's why when all of this started, I needed to place boundaries on whatever it was we were doing. It just made things easier. But... I don't think it's easier anymore. Not with you." I slide my hand into his, lacing our fingers together. "With you, I kind of like letting my guard down."
He sits up, pulling me into his lap as he brings us back together, my legs wrapping around him. "Do you trust me, Tink?"
His question has a smile pulling ever so slightly at the corner of my mouth as I nod. "Yeah, I do."
There's a light to his eyes, a glimmering sense of satisfaction mixed in with that usual Adler confidence. "I kinda figured you did."
"Of course you did," I smile, draping my arms along his shoulders.
"So, what are you saying, Mia? What does all of this mean?"
"I'm saying," I take a breath. "I don't want to continue to keep you at arm's length anymore. I want you, Grayson Adler."
The smile that ignites his face sends a rush of ecstasy through my veins. "You have no idea how long I've waited for those words to leave your perfect lips."
"Yeah?" My fingers find their home, sliding through his hair.
"Mia, I've wanted you since we broke into the community center pool and you tried to steal my first kiss."
I pull back slightly, my brows scrunching together as the memory of that night comes flooding back. It's one of those moments that kind of sticks in your head, never fading with time. "I think you're remembering that incorrectly. I believe it was you who tried stealing my first kiss."
"Nope," he confidently shakes his head, that little playful smile dancing across his lips. "I distinctly remember you finding an excuse to touch my hair. You made the first move, Tink. I just followed your lead. Come to think of it," he pauses, allowing that playful smile of his to turn a bit more sinister. "You're also the one who kissed me in Hart's office. Face it, you've been chasing me for years."
And there's the eye roll he just so effortlessly pulls out of me, even when we're trying to have a moment. "This really the time you're going to choose Egotistical Adler?"
"I don't know," he shrugs, pulling me in tighter. "Seems like you kind of have a thing for him."
"You can be so damn–"
"Sexy? Charming? Handsome?"
"Yes. All of that and a heaping dose of cocky," I smile. "But you're also sweet," I bring my lips to his, placing a gentle kiss against the corner of his mouth before pulling back. "Caring," I add, landing another kiss. "Passionate, driven, and one of the most attentive people I've ever met."
"And you, Tink," he brings his lips to my forehead, pressing a kiss against my skin. "Are the most stubborn," his lips move to my temple, "sassy," my cheek, "intelligent," my jaw, "confident," my lips, "beautiful, sexy, talented, badass–"
"Grayson," I laugh, interrupting his endless list of compliments as I gently press my mouth to his.
"What?" he questions against my lips. "I've got more."
"I don't doubt that."
The soft caress of his lips fall to mine again, the sweet taste of his tongue dancing along mine.
"So," he breathes out against me. "Does this mean I finally get to let everyone know you're mine?"
"Are you claiming me, Adler?" My eyes search his, the playfulness twisting around my words.
"Baby," his hand slides to my cheek, trailing down to the base of my neck as he pulls us even closer. "I'm already yours. I'm just hoping that you'll be mine."
Baby. I'm already yours.
The words flutter across my chest, sprinkling down my spine and flourishing in a wave of heat between my legs. I've never felt this kind of rush at someone calling me baby. I used to actually despise it. But holy shit. Hearing that word tumble from Grayson's mouth, hearing the way it melts from his lips and wraps its way around my heart gives it such a different meaning.
"I'm yours, Gray," I nod, dropping my head to his. "I think I have been for a while now."
When his lips meet mine, there's a warmth lighting up my chest. A sense of weightlessness.
Who would have thought that the cocky, arrogant boy breaking into the community center pool would be the one who's slowly capturing my whole heart.