blue
i haven't been feeling well for the past few days, i finally checked into the hospital. i've always thought i'd die in a hospital bed, but just for a moment, i thought maybe i would die a cool way. like bungee jumping or while riding silver, at least i would've been having fun. so i feel weird knowing that this bed i am laying on right now is probably the bed i'm going to die in.
at this point i'm surviving, i'm not living.
billie is at her parents house, sleeping. took a lot of convincing to get her to leave, let me tell you that. cole is here instead, i know dad is on his way.
i don't have much time left, i can feel it. people are coming to say their goodbyes. there's something about that i find really interesting. my friends and family wanting to say goodbye in hopes of getting at least the tiniest bit of closure. and you know what closure is? an excuse for people to hold on to something they need to let go. i don't want anyone to let me go.
i almost feel like at each goodbye is someone letting go of my life rope. it's scary knowing in the next 48 hours i'll be gone, and i don't want to be gone. so i don't want people to come in to my fucking room and cry and tell me how much they love me and how they won't ever forget me. it's all depressing and i don't want to die depressed, i don't want to die in this hospital room or this bed.
i've realized that i've neglected the way my family feels that I've been focusing on billie and making sure she'll be okay after i'm gone. but the sad reality is, no matter how much i try, she is going to hurt, she is not going to be okay for a while, but i can just hope that in the end she's going to pick herself up and live her life the way she deserves to live it.
"are you cold?" cole asked looking at my shaking hand. i wasn't that cold, it's my nerves that are making me shake this much.
"yeah, just a little." i answered and hid my hand under the covers. i closed my eyes, breathed in shakily and breathed out just as equally shaky.
"is she cold?" i could hear dad asking from the door.
"yeah." cole replied and they both tried to change the temperature in the room for the next three minutes. you would think they should've figured it out by now, given the amount of times we've been in this hospital.
"carol, mark!" cole exclaimed, i could invision her hugging the both of them tightly.
"hey kid." mark walked in, carol behind him. i only caught a glimpse of the both of them, carol has been clearly crying, eyes blood shot. mark looks so bad, i don't know how to explain it, but i know for a fact he hasn't showered or brushed his hair or changed clothes today.
i didn't reply, not because i didn't want to, but because it took so much fucking energy, that i don't have, to talk. either way they seemed lost on what to say, they looked like they wanted to say everything which led to them not saying anything.
"i love you both so much, if i was ever mad at you or held a grudge over you, know that i never meant it. you two were like my parents over at nyc and i want you to know that it's going to be okay. you're gonna be okay." i lifted my hand to hug mark. carol was crying behind him and came over to hug me once mark and i broke ours, and he stood behind his wife trying to hide the fact that he's crying.
"we should've visited you when you relapsed." carol cried.
"you have a child, you have jobs, you have a life. you called a lot, that's more than enough." i said.
"i love you so much kid." she cupped my cheeks and kissed my head. "so much."
"fuck." mark curssed and turned around, still trying to hide the fact that he's crying.
and then people just started pouring in, none i cared about at all. they all just wanted to make themselves feel better because they know they'll feel shity once i'm gone and make it about themselves.
"who was that just leaving your room?" riley walked into my room. finally someone i want to see.
"my fuck budy when i was in my traveling on silver around nyc era. i have no idea how she found out i'm dying or why she even came and you have to promise me you won't tell billie about this."
"my lips are sealed but she's hot." riley fanned her face with her palm.
"all yours." i mumbled.
"nah, thanks i have my man." she shook her head. "you must've been a player back then huh."
"yeah." a faint smile creeped onto my face.
"were you going to play billie too?"
"hell no." i shook my head. "never."
"good because i would've fucked you up." she said it as if it was a threat, but i'm right here not sure if i'm going to survive the night or even the day.
"hi sam." riley smiled to her and sammy returned the favor. right behind her ivy and kim came in.
maybe i take it back, i want people that i don't care about to walk into the room. seeing these faces that i love hours before i know my life is going to come out of my body, makes me want to die now, right at this second. all i want is to see billie.
"my last words to you guys is i hate you and i've always hated you, now get the fuck out."
"even now you can't stop playing huh?" ivy shook her head.
"i'm not playing." i shook my head with a smile. how am i still smiling? as soon as that thought registered into my brain, my face fell and tears found their way back to my eyes.
"oh no baby." riley sat on the side of my bed and hugged me.
"i wanna say i'm gonna miss you but i'm not even going to be here to do that." i cried.
"shh." riley didn't let go of me. "we love you forever, you will forever be my favorite billie significant other, my favorite guitarist, my favorite motorcyclelist and my favorite pale vampire. we are eventually going to be okay, all of us. i'm gonna take care of billie." she started crying herself.
"please take care of billie, make sure she's okay." my voice cracked.
"we will, we'll make sure she is going to be okay." sam got closer to my bed, tears were running down her cheeks. in fact everyone was crying.
"you made my favorite person in this whole wide world the happiest she's ever been, even though you stole her away from me, which is fine because i made a new great friendship, with you. i fucking love you, you whore, i envy you for having that impeccable style of yours." ivy waited till riley let go of me to take her place and hug me.
"you're not allowed to take anything from my closet."
"no promises." she replied.
"come here sammy! you can get my closet." i hugged her.
"i'll give it to ivy, we don't exactly share styles." she said.
"you guys are already ignoring my requests, that's so rude." i joked.
"you.. look cute." i stared at kim, i have no idea what to tell her. we're not really close and i never really got over my first impression of her. shouldn't i let go of this shit at my last day on earth? yeah that's just not me.
"thanks, i thought maybe seeing colors would be refreshing to you." she shrugged then got closer to hug me.
"that was a workout." i mumbled as i layed back down on my bed. "but i definitely don't feel good after this workout."
"is it stupid that i don't want to leave because if i left then i won't ever see you again?"
"rileyy." i frowned my brows and opened my arms to hug her again. "just convince yourself that i broke up with billie and you hate me now."
"shut the fuck up." she shushed me. "i love you, we have to go. maggie is on her way." she wiped the tears of my cheek and kissed my forehead. i've never thought of riley being soft and fragile, i've always seen her as the goofy positive lovable friend. i'm really happy i got to see that side of her.
"mama." i immediately broke down when she walked in. my family already said their goodbyes earlier today, jasmine, mom, dad, cole and her boyfriend were here too for a second and i may or may not have threatened him that i would haunt him if her broke my sister's heart before he left.
"honey." maggie immediately walked over to the side of my bed and climbed on to hug me. "it's okay, we are all going to be okay i promise."
"i don't want to leave." i cried. maggie is one of the few people that i'm not afraid to be vulnerable and real with. she like my mother, she's more of a mother to me than my actual mother.
"i know honey, i know." she rubbed my back softly with one hand and had the other on my head to bring me closer to her chest. she's so warm i don't ever want to let go.
"i wanna marry her, and i wanna have a family with her i don't want to let go." i managed to get out, pausing to talk between cries.
"i know you do, and i know it's not fair but it's gonna happen, soon. you're gonna let go, and the last person who's gonna be with you is her so tell her everything you want to tell her before it's too late. and don't worry about what's going to happen next, i'm going to take care of her, all of us are, we're going to take care of her, okay?"
"okay." i cried. i'm so tired and i want to sleep but i'm scared to go to sleep because i'm scared i won't wake up. maggie is so comfortable that i'll settle for cuddling her as a way to rest instead of sleeping. "please can you stay for a minute? i'm so tired and you're so comfortable."
"yeah, i'll stay for as long as you want me to, but know that visiting hours are almost up. fin and claud's are waiting for me to be out of the room." she said.
"i know, but just for a minute."
"mom?" finneas knocked on the door. "everything okay in here?"
"yeah just cuddling." maggie answered.
"oh sorry." he went to go out the door but i stopped him by asking, "did you bring jules?"
"yeah she's with claudia in the waiting room. do you want me to call them over?" he said.
"yeah." i nodded. maggie and i still held each other for a little bit more, until rory came in in claudia's hands.
"hi!" i cooed, leaving maggie's hold and sitting up to give all my attention to this tiny human being. "hi julie!" i sat her down on my bed but still held her back since she can't support herself yet.
she let out a happy scream which made me smile even wider than i was before. "oh my god you're so cute." i pouted. "i missed you. are you letting mommy and daddy sleep at night? or are you a night owl?"
for some reason the second i said sleep, jules got all cranky and started crying. but at this point this room is probably cursed, every person that walked in, walked out crying. maggie took jules from claudia who was desperately trying to shush her, after squeezing my right hand and mouthing 'love you'.
and then claud's said her goodbye to me, it was rushed because julie could be heard screaming outside the room non stop, disturbing the hospital, none the less it was just what i needed from her, all the goodbyes and i love yous.
"are you sure about everything you want me to do for you?" finneas asked as soon as claudia left the room and closed the door.
"yeah, i gave you everything that i basically didn't trust my lawyer to have." i shrugged. "please make sure billie does that last point, she can take as long as she want to prepare it, just make sure she does it. don't be afraid to push on her some days when you think she needs it, because trust me she will need that push."
"i will, blue. you can trust me." he assured me. "i will make sure every single thing you listed is done."
"thank you." i faintly smiled. "billie is really lucky to have you. you're the best big brother anyone could ever ask for."
"i don't know about that but i do try my best."
"i know you do." a tear escaped my eyes. "you're also a great husband and a great father. do me a favor and always kiss julie's nose for me, just like i do, it's so cute that i just can't help myself."
"she does have a cute little nose, she got that from claudia obviously."
"yes she did."
"you were the worst teacher ever." i chuckled, going back to the time finneas was supposed to train me before tour. "if i didn't have prior knowledge, i would've been totally lost."
"hey! i was trying my best and i'm an artist not a teacher! plus you were my first student." he defended himself.
"still, really fucking bad. but we laughed through it and it brought us closer together, i thought you hated me." i admitted.
"what! how?" he raised his eyebrows. "i thought you hated me!"
"i don't know, you were always so quiet at first and looking over at my way. it was so weird, plus you said you were scared of me!"
"i was just analyzing you before making a judgement." he reasoned.
"sounds to me like you judged me before you got the chance to 'analyze' me."
"shush." he glared at me.
"you shush." i glared back.
"is lucas outside?" i asked.
"no, he isn't." finneas answered.
"oh maybe he's on his way over."
"visiting hours are almost over and billie is the one that's staying with you." finneas reminded me.
"i know, maybe there's traffic, right?" my heart started to hurt.
"yeah, you're right." finneas went along with the lie i told myself, even though i could see outside my window and there is no traffic outside.
"check on him." i started overthinking, maybe he doesn't want to say goodbye, then that's fine because it'll hurt like a bitch. but my mind instantly went to, maybe he hurt himself which is why i want finneas to see how he's doing. "please, tell him i love him and i'm not mad."
"i will as soon as i leave." he nodded.
"i love you so much, thank you for everything, and please don't ever let anyone name their a child after me." i hugged finneas for a little while before he had to leave, visiting hours were over.
i was alone for about fifteen minutes, and i was just replying everything that happened today, all the visits i got and i thought about all the love that surrounded me throughout my life. maybe it wouldn't be so bad leaving right now, having all my relationships straightened, at least with the people i care about and non of them are in a bad place, leaving happy instead of dying depressed. i should be grateful for that.