"Hear it for New York."
♫ Empire State of Mind by Alicia Keys.
✰ ✰ ✰
"Ah. Good morning, Ali."
"Morning to you too, dad." Standing on the balcony of our lakeside bedroom with a heavy heart, I stared out at the water. The rippling, glistening shore, sparkling with crystal rocks and the morning sheen of sunrise. It was so pretty. The distant tint of pine trees and hills on the horizon calmed me.
And all I needed today was to stay calm.
After all, my life was about to change. Again.
Today was the day I had to go. I had to leave the people I loved and take care of myself. Piece my puzzle back together.
"How's everything going? Did you and Harlow talk?"
"Yes. Yeah, and we're um..." I tried my hardest not to cry again for the second time that morning, "We're calling it quits. We're separating for a while and... I don't know when we're gonna get back together." My throat rippled and I swallowed it down.
"Oh, no... honey, what happened? I thought that you two were figuring things out?"
"We can't." I muttered, wiping my eyes, "It's just too hard for the both of us now. And I don't know what I'm gonna do... I-I have no home, no job, no money, no nothing. Everything's gone. Everything's falling apart. I hate to say it, but I think..." I inhaled, "I think I'll come to New York with you. If you'll have me."
"You will always have a home and a job with me. Te cuidaré, my little dove. I would love that."
"I have to wrap up things here first. Say goodbye t'my friends. I talked to my Uncle Matthew yesterday when you brought it up and he's willing to let my brother visit often and take Morris to live with him too. Ollie misses him so much. They'll be okay."
"That's fantastic. Oh, it's gonna be so good to have you with me, Ali. You have aunts and cousins and uncles who're dying to meet you."
"I'm sure." I smiled sadly.
"I know of cheap apartments renting too, if you don't wanna live with your poor ol' dad."
"That sounds so fuckin' great. Really. I'm excited." I tried to sound as enthusiastic as I could and luckily for me, he believed it.
"Alright. The flight is in three hours, is that enough time to pack and all that or should I push it to tomorrow?--"
"No, no it's perfect."
"Okay... meet me in the airport at the little Starbucks by the entrance."
"Will do."
"I love you."
"I love you too," I whispered and pulled back to hang up the call.
There was nothing else left to do.
The longer we stalled, the harder it would be, I knew that.
It felt like the strings attaching Harlow and I were slowly stretching like rubber bands, and eventually, when I got far enough away, they'd just snap. I was so scared of them snapping.
So, I kept them for a while, using every extra second I could to linger around Harlow's sleeping presence.
He looked so peaceful in his bed, so oblivious to the packing I was doing just ten feet away. And I liked that he was holding on to happiness. I hoped he was having a good dream.
I packed up all of my things in a big suitcase neatly and quietly, as well as got dressed.
I walked through the house to Zayn's room first but saw that he was passed out, probably blackout drunk. So, I gave him a kiss on the cheek and left him a little note to tell him 'thank you' for everything he'd done and that I'd be back to visit him when I could.
I walked into Koi and Naomi's room too, and they were the same, cuddled up sleeping. Fast asleep. I left Koi the bag of tootsie rolls that I'd stolen from the 7/11 with Harlow and I left Naomi a note saying to call me. We'd figure something out with the band later, but I wanted to keep in touch. I gave them each a cheek kiss and then left the room quietly. As if I'd never been there.
I called Kristen, she didn't answer and I knew Mikey wouldn't either, so I left voicemails telling each of them to call me and that I loved them. I'd tie up loose ends when I reached New York.
I called Peter and quit my job at the record store; effective immediately.
Then, I called my Uncle Matt. He told me he'd come to pick up Morris that day but I couldn't talk to my little brother cause he was at school. I'd be back the next weekend though for his ninth birthday with gifts and love that would make up for no goodbye. I was determined to keep a schedule in contact with him. I was going to be the best big sister ever.
It was just a matter of consistency, and I was determined. So far, it'd been so good.
I didn't know how or when the time would come for me to explain to him that Harlow and I were over, but it'd come one up day and I wasn't going to sit and wait for it.
Speak of the devil.
Harlow was next.
I stepped back into our bedroom to see he was in the same position as before, knocked out exhausted.
I debated just leaving a note, but I knew he'd fly to New York and kick my ass if I did that.
So, I wandered over to the bed with a heavy heart and brushed his hair back from his face gently, as I'd done a million times before, "Harlow..." I whispered.
His lips twitched and he must've thought it was a sweet dream cause all he did was take my hand lightly, the coolness of his silver skull ring touching my wrist.
"Harlow," I whispered again, my throat aching so hard I had to swallow down tears more than once. I brushed my fingers down his face and he softly groaned, nuzzling his head into my hand.
I cleared my throat just as he fluttered his eyes open, "My uncle is gonna come pick up Morris today, so when he gets here let him inside. The dog bowls and his food are under the counter. And um... there's some money in a can on the fridge for rent of the lake house, use it—"
"W-What?..." Harlow groggily opened his eyes wider and I watched the realization and panic spread across his face, "No... no, no." He sat up quickly and looked me up and down; checking my outfit. His eyes clocked the suitcase by the door and he shook his head, "No, no I'm not ready."
"I have to go. Please, please don't make this harder-"
"No, no, please. I'm not ready." He shook his head and reached for my hand in a panic, pulling me toward the bed. I closed my eyes and looked up at the ceiling as he hugged around my thighs, his face pressed to my stomach, "I'm not ready."
"You know how much I love you so you know how hard this is for me, but we don't work now. We haven't been working for a long time," I sniffled and looked down at him, running my fingers through his long hair, "You have to let me go. I'm going to New York, my flight leaves in a little less than three hours."
"I'm so stupid." His throat let out a cry into my stomach and he shook his head, "I wanna be better so bad, I should've been better, I'm so sorry, baby. I don't want you to go. I love you."
"Harlow, I have to go. I have to." I fought off tears and pried his body away from me.
"I'm not r-ready-"
"You have to be. Cause I'm going whether you want me to or not. We need this break, we can't... we can't do this to each other anymore. This back and forth. We think we're good and the next moment, someone gets hurt and we fall apart. You said it yourself." I shook my head at him, reaching up to hold onto one side of his face, "It's only temporary, remember? One day things will be different, it's temporary. So if you don't k-kiss me goodbye, I'm gonna be pissed the next time we see each other."
"Can I at least take you to the airport?" He cried.
"I won't be able to leave you." I shook my head, my cries bubbling over, "If you come with me to the airport, I will stay. I can't do this either, Harlow, it's so hard for me too. But I need this. I need this, more than I need you right now. So, kiss me. Please." I sobbed in begging, "Please just k-kiss me—"
Harlow stood up and my cry was cut off with a gasp, his soft, gentle hands grasping my face and kissing me as hard as he could.
I dropped my purse and wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him as close as I could. Our wet cheeks touched and his fingers grasped my hair so tightly, just as mine did, his. His kiss was always something I looked forward to and now it was the things I despised. Because it meant goodbye.
The people we were would never kiss again and that scared the fuck out of me.
I hoped, however, that his kiss would never change if I got the chance to feel it again.
I hoped his love would never change or rather, the way he loved, would never change.
There would always be a spot in my heart for him, even if I didn't want it.
There would always be scars on my body as a reminder of a time in which we loved one another and went through something so tragic.
The memories we shared would always be there in my head during our time apart.
Most people would think we were being dramatic, they'd say, 'oh you're young, there will be more.'
But to have your own mind be the thing that ripped you away from the thing in your life that kept you, alive?
It hurt.
We were young & in love.
It was terrifying to lose him. It was frightening to love him.
But like Harlow said, the fear was good.
He cried against my lips, forcing us to break it but he kissed me again, and again, and again, and again, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough, I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough, I'm so sorry."
"You take care of yourself, okay?" I sniffled, smoothing his hair back, "You get better. Get help. Stay safe while I'm gone..." I whispered, giving him the best smile I could, "I love you."
"And I love you." He whispered, nodding his head.
"I'll see you when I see you, okay?" I pulled my hands away from him and they went cold. He nodded and I wearily stepped back, drifting away to my suitcase by the door. That was when I felt that pull, the rubber band between us stretching and stretching.
"Cher." Harlow whispered longingly.
I stopped at the door, facing away from him. I sniffled and held onto the doorframe, "Yes?"
There was silence that lingered for a moment.
"Please don't forget about me." I could hear the heartache in his voice."Please don't stop loving me."
"I couldn't even if I tried."
My hand drifted down against the wood of the door frame and I felt my wedding ring push against my finger; reminding me of what I was losing.
I slipped it away from the door and took off the ring, gently setting it down onto the dresser.
"Keep that safe for me, okay? I'm gonna need it back."
I was only met with a silent response.
"See you later."
I pushed out of the room, rolling the suitcase behind me.
I felt the pull as I collected myself all the way to my taxi-cab.
I could feel him watching me but I didn't look back not once, knowing the happiness that laid head of me. It was inevitable, I was determined to do better, be better for him, for us. I wanted it so badly.
If I couldn't have him I was gonna do everything in my power to make sure I got back to him sooner rather than later.
I packed my suitcase into the taxi and with six hundred dollars to my name, I left.
When I reached the airport my dad gave me the biggest hug and unlike when I first met Harlow I felt alone, but loved by the most amazing father who'd do anything for me, anything.
I wasn't nineteen, living in my moms house and miserable, daydreaming about a punk rock party life and a boyfriend like Gerard Way.
I got that.
I had that, and it was the most amazing experience of my life.
I met my best girl friends, Koi, Naomi and Kristen.
"Ignore Harlow, he's a bit of a sourpuss but he means real well. I'm Koi, hi, how are ya!"
"No, he doesn't mean well, he's just an ass. I'm Naomi, that's Koi, yes the accent is cute for now but it gets annoying after about fifteen minutes of her incessant chatter."
"Hi, I'm Kristen!"
My best guy friends.
"Hey pretty thang, you need a ride?"
"Ignore him, he's just a cunt. You remember me right? Mikey."
"I'm Zayn, I'm with the uh... FBI. Yeah, I totally work for the FBI."
And my stupid boyfriend.
"Freak, if you touch my goddamn fruit loops again, I'm sending you back to the circus. I hate you. Go away."
I wasn't sad and pathetic, letting people push me around and tear me down. I stood up for myself. I was chasing a new dream, just for me and only me.
It hurt, it did, but there was good in that.
"Cabin crew prepare for take off."
"Clash is going to love you. O-oh, and the apartment I found is decent sized too. It's in a party part of the city too since I know you'll wanna get down with that. I know a girl who lives there, she's in music just like you, her name is Kat. She'll help you out with finding friends, don't you worry." My dad said as he sat next to me on the plane.
"I have friends dad..." I glared sideways at him with a smile, "I won't be alone. I'm not, not anymore. I think my only problem will be getting you to leave me alone." I poked his shoulder.
"I'll give you your space... three inches is plenty, right?"
"Oh can it, old man." I laughed as my phone buzzed in my pocket. I slowly pulled it out to see a multitude of text messages from my friends.
Kutie Koi: YOU LEFT WITHOUT GIVING ME A HUG?! YOU STUPID BITCH! I'm coming to visit the second we get the chance. I miss you already, toots! I love you bunches, muah! Tell your dad I said hi too.
I'll be waiting! I love you too.
Zaddy: I love you too, Cherry. Thank you for the note. I'll miss you more than you can imagine.
Take care of yourself, Z. Be safe.
Kris: I feel like the worlds biggest bitch for not answering! :(( I love you the most. Mikey does too, he's just too stoned out of his mind to text back right now. Have fun in the big apple!
No worries. Take care of Mikey. I'll be back before you know it.
Scissor slut: I'm hormonal and pregnant and you made me cry, you're a stupid whore. I hate you but I love you too. Don't be a stranger, Jasper's gonna need his aunt Cherry around.
You picked the name?
Scissor slut: It's a boy. Niko was right.
Please keep that baby safe.
And you, stay safe.
Scissor slut: No I think I'm gonna endanger the baby instead. Get on your stupid plane. Xoxo.
I clicked off my phone with a soft smile on my face and I leaned my head on the cushion of the airplane seat, staring out of the window.
And then my phone buzzed one last time.
I pulled it back up and my stomach twisted into a knot.
Nirvana baby: <3
The band snapped. Just like that.
I closed my phone and shut my eyes.
Zack took my hand.
"Brighter days are ahead, Ali. It's okay."
"Yeah." I sniffled, nodding my head and leaning my head onto his shoulder as I stared down at the heart. It was simple but so effective in making me tear up again.
Until another came through.
Nirvana baby: Freak.
Nirvana baby: You're gonna have to block me.
Nirvana baby: Wait nvm, don't block me I'll be fine.
Nirvana baby: Okay, block me. I'm crazy. I can't stop.
Nirvana baby: Haha ur so funny, omg Cher.
Nirvana baby: Ok, love you. Bye.