"I guess I'll never learn, I'm sick of being told to wait my turn..."
♫ Fatlip by Sum 41.
✰ ✰ ✰
"Birthday party tonight at seven! The meetup address is on the paper. Drinks, dancing, and music. Come by and get absolutely smashed mate, here you go, tell your friends." I shoved a flyer against the chest of a passing by rollerblader and ran down the steps of the skate park, tossing another at a brunette girl with a helmet stuck under her arm.
We took a train to South London where all the party people were, and so far, I'd passed out fifty or more flyers to people of age at day bars, skate parks, restaurants, and college campuses.
We were lookin' at one helluva turnout.
"Come get fucked up! Booze on me, girls'. Here you go, here you go..." I passed out a string of papers to a line of college girls' in bikinis' headed for the local shops.
"Well, I'd need a date." One girl smirked.
"Happily taken, sweetheart." I backed up.
"I don't see a ring." She put her hand on her hip.
"That's 'cause it's on her finger!" I wiggled my own and when her shoulders shrank in defeat, I laughed and spun back around, "Party in Manchester, boys! Take a flyer or fuck off!"
Screaming at people dressed how I was, didn't give off the most cheery disposition or welcoming vibe. I was well aware I looked and sounded like a creep or a psychopath.
Cher had to teach me how to approach people and how, quote 'not to smile like an axe murderer' before we left the hotel. But, she had the same resting bitch face that I did. And if you asked me, hers was even more fierce.
"Alright, alright! Break it up, boys!" I whistled when I neared her crowd of guys, all flocking around her like piss-smelling birds. I stopped a few feet away and stuffed the rest of the flyers into my butt pocket and then crossed my arms.
The crowd broke up a bit and I saw Cher leaned against the half-pipe, passing out a few more flyers with a cigarette perched between her lips. They were chatting her fuckin ear off.
"So, you'll be there then?" One blonde flirted unashamedly.
"No..." Cher said sarcastically, "I'm just passing out flyers to a party that I'm not going to."
He laughed it off, "Well, I love a girl who likes to party."
"And I love a man who doesn't speak," She snatched his flyer away, "You're blacklisted. Do me a favor, and ask Santa for a brain this Christmas. I'm sure the world will be better for it."
I bit my lip to keep from laughing.
I was proud of myself for keeping my composure.
Before, I would've wanted to grab one of their skateboards, rip it in half, and hit them with it until they were crying on the concrete, covered in their own blood because, why the fuck was he talking to my Cher? Who was he? Where was he from? What did he want? What was he really thinking about and what was he gonna do to her if I wasn't there to protect her from the threat he could pose--
But, I was a reformed man.
My anxiety was... better.
We don't think those thoughts anymore, Harlow.
No we don't.
...not more than twice a day.
And not when I had the reassurance of Cher just as many times.
Cher's eye caught onto me outside the crowd and her lips quirked up into a smile. She shoved the last of the flyers into the chest of a random man and pushed away from them without hesitation, skipping up to me.
"Hi, honey." She stopped short with a jump, flicked her cigarette to the side and gripped the leather of my jacket, kissing me hard on the lips.
The audible 'awwww really' from the crowd of guys when we strolled away was more satisfying than anything.
I hooked an arm around her shoulder as we walked out of the park, "Those boys weren't givin' you trouble, were they?"
"It wasn't anything I couldn't handle." She wrapped her arm around my back, underneath my coat, "But, I gave away a lot of flyers. Tits come in handy. Boys stare at them like they're candy."
"Well, I'd take tits over a chocolate bar, any day"
"I'd take a chocolate bar over dick." She snorted.
"You and your sweeties." I rolled my eyes as we turned the corner into the street, the shadow of cascading city buildings flooding over us; protecting us from the low sun.
"Are you sure this is a good idea? The party. Damiano said he didn't like to celebrate his birthday and... what if he kills us or something? Ooo, what if he's in the Italian Mafia?" She slapped my chest with her hand while her doe eyes gazed up at me.
Her overactive imagination was getting the best of her. Like it always was. Always.
I was about to answer, when her phone rang again.
We slowed down at an intersection and she turned to face me while she took her phone out to see who it was. I pulled a cig pack from my pocket and sparked up one of my own, taking a deep drag.
"Hey..." She looked up from her phone with a gaze of perplexion, "It's Aurora?"
"What?" My head cocked back a bit, "You're serious?"
"Yeah. Should I answer it? I mean, two calls from my family in the span of twenty-four hours? After not hearing from them for ages?...."
She twisted her mouth and looked back down at the selfie of the two of them on the screen.
It was taken the night we had dinner with her and Zack. You could see how thrilled they all were, how good of a time Cher was having with her newfound family.
"Hey, maybe Zack told her to call you. I mean, if they've really been busy then, who knows? Just answer, see what she wants." I urged her, comforting her by kissing her hand and holding it tighter in mine.
She sighed and then pressed the big green button, placing the phone by her ear, "Hello?"
I raised my eyebrows and waited while their conversation commenced, short but not exactly ill-willed.
"I'm doing fine, how are you?" She asked and looked up at me with a stank face for a second, "I'm in England right now actually, I get back tomorrow. Just having fun, partying, you know me."
"Yeah, I'm sure. Yep, we can. Oh... I will."
Her eyes rolled to the point of no return and I stepped closer, hooking an arm around her waist.
She was so hot-tempered lately.
"Yeah, oh my god totally!" She faked a happy voice, "See you. Bye."
I looked down at her and brushed her hair from her face, "What did she say..."
"'Oh ha-ha! Ali, I miss you so much! I've been so busy and just — ooo, being so pretty and blonde, hanging out with my new friends and my new boyfriend who really wants to meet you by the way! When are you coming back? I've totally not been ignoring you, it's my bad, I'm so sorry! Blah!'" She mocked her sister in a high-pitched voice that made even me want to rip my ears off, "God, I fucking take it back, I don't want a sister anymore!"
I pulled back from her a little and held both sides of her face, "Okay, woah... chill. She said she was busy—"
"No, Harlow. I'm so... sick of people coming into my life just to leave it. I've had enough of this and I don't want a sister who's gonna say hi to me once every six months for shits and giggles or when she's bored. I don't want a dad who's gonna do it either," She ranted, a breath falling from her lips after that was heavy.
I moved her back to my side so we could walk along the sidewalk, "Plus — god she's just so... she's so...." She couldn't find the word, but she tugged on the roots of her hair to try and find it, "And something isn't right with her!"
"I'm listening," I mumbled, rubbing her shoulder.
I was not about to make her angrier by telling her that she was overreacting.
"I can't describe it, Harls, it's like a gut feeling. Something is off. Maybe it's just because she's ignoring me, but I don't like this whole thing. Not to mention, I don't wanna meet your dumbass boyfriend? That's the only reason that she's calling, not cause she misses me or because, I don't know, I'm her sister?"
I got the same gut feeling when Aurora showed up.
But, I made sure everything was legit.
I asked Zayn to hack into the hospital records from the day that Cherry was born and it was all true, they were twins. Aurora Quetzalli Young and Alice Mariposa Young.
Cher's last name was later changed to Anderson when Carol ran away with her but it was all true, Zack was exactly who he said he was.
It was crazy to think that she was basically kidnapped away from her dad, similarly to how Bella was taken away from me.
It also made me think about how she even handling it all. It was a lot.
"Tell them that. Be a shark, babe, I taught you how. Set boundaries. You don't have to subject yourself to their neglect. When we get back, sit down, have a conversation with them, tell them how you feel about it. Bluntly. Just say 'Hey, I get that you're both busy, but you know, I'd like to be around you more, I'd like to be an actual fuckin' family, so this calling once a month thing isn't good for me.' Your dad is a cool person, I'm sure he'll understand. Aurora too."
Cherry gave me yet another stank face, "Since when are you so 'talk to them, heal, be happy.' No! Stop it. Be rude with me. Be a bitch with me."
"I think I'll leave that up to you." I grabbed her face and kissed her, slipping my tongue inside her mouth gently to shut her up. She groaned in frustration against me but when I pressed against her harder and a soft breeze pooled over our faces, she stopped. I didn't stop until she was smiling and then I reared back, "You need to slow down and relax. You're too pretty to be worried about so many things."
"Oh, am I?" She laughed.
"Absolutely. You're my pretty baby." I stole one more kiss and brushed my knuckles down her face.
A lightbulb went off in my brain and I disconnected our lips to slip my arm off of her shoulder and take her hand instead, "C'mon. Let me take you somewhere for a little while."
I pushed off of the sidewalk, crossing the street to get to the main road faster.
"But, we have to get ready for the party." She reminded me as she followed.
"We will. It won't take long. I think we're overdue for a date." I walked backward with her and pulled her along with me until her lips quirked up into a smile and she rolled her eyes.
"Well, how am I supposed to say no to that?"
"You can't. That's the point."
I turned around and we ran off together. We weaved through the London fog, through the people until we reached a main road and I called for a cab.
✰ ✰ ✰
"This is what you call a date? A... graveyard?"
Stood at the gate of a cemetery in Manchester, Cher looked out onto the headstones and crosses like they she could see every ghost.
"My dads' buried here."
"Well, now I sound like a dick."
I huffed a laugh, "It's alright. I don't know you don't believe in this sort of thing, but I still do, and... I'd like for him to know that you exist. If he'd gotten to meet you, I think he would've really liked you. I figured we could jus' sit with him for a little while, if that's okay with you."
"You know what? It's more than okay with me." She said, squeezing my hand, "Lead the way."
We ventured into the gloomy, grey graveyard and took the designated pebble path, rocks crunching beneath our feet.
"It's been so long since I've been here... I think I was fifteen the last time I came." The familiar passing by willow trees and solemn-looking graves with flowers and gifts wrapped around them in mourning of loved ones, brought back memories.
"Why'd you come?"
"Ahh... you know. Man to man guidance." I chuckled, my eyes drifting across the sky, "It was after I found out I got Cosette pregnant. I got that letter from her in the mail and I panicked. I was terrified and my mum really wasn't any help. She was disappointed, disgusted by me, by my behavior, by my quote 'naive foolishness.'"
"So, I came to talk to my dad a lot. I asked him for help, I asked him for guidance but, once I realized I wasn't gonna get it, I stopped coming. It was up t'me and only me t'help myself. So, who knows, maybe he did help me. In a way."
Cherry chuckled slightly under her breath, "Fuck, when I was fifteen, I couldn't even braid my own hair. I wore... braces and headgear. I was worried about my math homework, I barely knew what sex was. Granted, I had to grow up fast, I was still so naive. If that had been me, I would've drowned. A kid at fifteen is so young. If Oliver ever — oh man, I don't even wanna think about that."
"Don't worry, I'll teach him how to put a condom on a cucumber when the time comes." A chill breeze wafted over us and I moved my arm back 'round her shoulder, cuddling her close as we wandered.
"Harlow can I ask you something? Something that might... offend you?"
"Yes."
"If you had the chance to do it again... to restart, would you? And by restart, I mean, rethink even having Bella. If you could."
"People ask me this question all the time as if my answer will ever be any different. And no. No I wouldn't. I wouldn't change a single thing about my life except my own choices."
"If I could go back in time and change that day, that day she got taken, I would. But, would I take back knowing her, seeing her smile, seeing her laugh?" I shook my head with a solemn mouth shrug as I looked at the leaves underneath our shoes, "Not for anything."
"Bella was — is, even now, the one thing that keeps me going. I had a boring, shitty life as a kid and for a long time I thought she was a burden. And I was wrong, she was the biggest blessing."
"She taught me things that you can only learn through parenting, through that unconditional love."
"I'd give anything to have that again, to feel that joy that a kid brings. It's so pure and it's so contagious. Bella made me laugh more than anyone."
"So, like I said... I'd change not my choices but my mistakes and contrary to what people like Isaac think, she was far from a mistake."
"I still can't believe he said that. He of all people..." She huffed, shaking her head, "I can never understand how someone can be so cruel. And the fact that he said that knowing that she's gone?"
"I'm not sure that they even know. When we were at the party my mum had every opportunity to say her condolences about Bella, to grieve with me like I wanted to and she pretended she didn't know who Bella was. She didn't tell George, I can tell you that for certain."
Cher gave me a shocked look and I nodded, "Yeah, I know. But the look on his face when we brought up Bella? He was so lost. She's ashamed, she always has been. She doesn't want people to know that we used to be poor. That we were on food aid, that we nearly lived on the streets. And she sure as hell doesn't want them to know that her only son got a girl knocked up at fifteen."
She hugged me tighter, "Well for what it's worth, I'm very proud of you. Besides, I don't know what she's worried about. George has more important things to worry about. Like his writing career and his 'sick new skater tricks, dude!'"
I tossed my head back laughing, "Oh god, don't remind me, Cher. I'd just forgotten."
"Sorry, sorry." Her laughter continued, bubbling out from her belly in soft, adorable giggles.
"I really do wonder what she sees in him."
"Oh please, you only spent one evening with him, and other than the whole... dude thing, he's nice. I liked him. You can't even talk, you've got Crazy Cosette as your baby mama," She winced, "How is she by the way? Have you heard from her since Bella's party?"
"Nope. And my therapist thinks I should call her and say my peace one last time, but... I jus' know she's out there drinking and cursing my name somewhere like a witch. Placing the blame on everyone but herself. Like always," I frowned, "All she's ever done is hate me. And I know I fucked up, I think about it every day, but so did she."
"How do you mean?"
"Cosette is an alcoholic. A mean drunk. The day that Bella got taken, the only reason that I left the house was because she came home screaming at me for 'ruining her life'." I slowed down to a stop at a fork in the path, "She started throwing things. Started calling me names. She called Bella a mistake right in front of her face." I shook my head in disbelief.
"It was a breaking point. It'd never been that bad before. I was scared. So... I wrapped Bella up in her stroller, I grabbed my coat and I left the house."
"I wanted to wait until she calmed down. I didn't know what else to do. Niko wasn't with me that time. I was all on my own. Bella wouldn't stop crying, she... she wanted her mama, and I remember begging her to jus' stop."
"The only thing that'd get her to calm down was ice cream, so we went to the cart parked on the street, I turned my back and..." The memory made me flinch and I wiped my nose, tossing a hand up, "That was it. The stroller was empty and Axel was running away with her. I-I dropped everything and I sprinted for my life after that fucking car."
I could still feel the ache in my lungs.
"And when Cosette came to, when she sobered up, all she could do was ask 'why would you leave so late?'" My eyes watered uncontrollably, "She hadn't a clue what she'd done, what she'd said. She blacked out. And the fault, from then on, it was all mine. What happened to her was one in a million, and we got unlucky."
Cher frown tipped deeper than mine, "God, it's not fair. It wasn't your fault, kids can't raise kids. All the pressure that she put on you?" She furrowed her brows angrily and held onto both sides of my face, "Cosette never should've said that, do you understand me? It was not your fault."
"It is my fault."
"No, it's not-"
"It is. Baby. It is." I shut her down, "But, I don't think I blame myself. Not anymore. I don't think I even blame Cosette. What happened to her was one in a million and... Bella was unlucky. We were unlucky. That's all there is to it. So, I don't want blame anyone, I just wanna feel... good. I just want peace of mind."
She blinked quickly, "But, it's not fair to you..."
"I know." I pressed a kiss to the top of her head, "Believe me, I know. But... Bells, she wanted me to fly jus' like you said. And I have my wings now because of you. I'm choosing to fly, sweetheart and it's good... right?"
Her shoulders fell and even though she looked like all she wanted to do was cry for me, she nodded. She hugged me abruptly, burying fer face into my chest and I found myself looking up at the grey sky, wondering where Bella was.
It helped to imagine a heaven, a grassy picnic field where she was running and playing with my dad. One covered in flowers and grass that was as green as her eyes. One where they were exchanging smiles and laughter, playing tag and dress up. My dad and his brooding personality would break the second he was around her, treating her like the princess she was.
He'd keep her safe and warm and happy, like she always should've been.
It would never not be devastating that she wasn't here with me but at least I could find comfort in that.
And when the sky opened up to just a sliver of sunshine down on us, I smiled up at it, practically being able to picture her round little face popping over the cloud to blow kisses like she always did.
I miss you, Tinker Bell.
The sun shrunk away after a moment and I looked back down at Cherry, shaking her fragile state, "Hey, it's alright... it's all just fine." I whispered.
She nodded with a sad smile and I wiped her eyes as gently as possible before we held hands & kept walking.
We finally reached the aisle of the cemetery where my dad was buried and stood straight in front of his headstone.
"Griffin Silver. Well, long time no see, you ol' bastard, where you been?" Cher said.
"Ahem..." She stepped forward and began to pace back and forth in front of his grave, "Well, I'm Cherry. Cherry Anderson, soon to be Silver. Yes, yes you heard that entirely right! Daughter-in-law speaking. And I know, I know, how did your son get so lucky with someone as beautiful as me? We will never know, I mean, I'm still wondering myself!"
I smiled and sat down on a dry patch of grass with my knees pulled up and my head resting on my arms while she went on a rampage, talking to my dad and explaining how we met, how we fell in love, how we came to be... us.
Part of the reason we went hand in hand was because she understood my foolishness and my sometimes naive need for closure or comfort in confusing ways.
She didn't even think twice about having a whole conversation with a headstone, all because I asked her to.
There are just things you do for love and I was so lucky that Cher loved me.
We spent the rest of the afternoon together at that cemetery, talking and having our own time together, kissing in a place we probably shouldn't have been with all the ghosts watching but-- I didn't care, neither did Cherry.
She made a lot of bone-er, jokes.
When we were done, we took a cab back to the hotel and met up with Ollie who'd been out with his Uncle Niko who said he needed "dad practice."
He took him out to lunch so, we decided to take him out to a movie to kill time.
Ollie picked out Tinker Bell and the Great Fairy Rescue. And it was fantastic. The little girl in the movie reminded me so much of Bella and if she had found a fairy, she definitely would've tried to trap it and keep it for herself.
I wish she would've been there to see it.
Ollie loved it too. He was practically holding onto his seat when the fairies got chased by the cat. But it ended happily and he was relieved.
I cried. Like a massive fucking baby. I couldn't help myself.
"God, we are never watching another Tinker Bell m-movie again!" I wiped my eyes with tissues as we walked out of the theater room and into the lobby, holding hands with Ollie.
Ollie looked up at me, "Harlow... stop crying. It's just a movie! It's not real, I promise. And you're embarrassing yourself!"
"I know!" I cried, tossing my hand up.
"Ugh." He rolled his eyes, "Can we get ice cream now—"
"Not the fuckin' ice cream — no! No ice cream! Ever!" I sniffled, looking down at him and pointing, "Don't ever ask me for ice cream again, do you understand?"
Ollie gave me a morbid look.
"Okay, hey, too far. Relax. We'll have ice cream together later," Cher whispered to him as she pulled her ringing phone from her pocket.
She answered it as we walked out into the cinema parking lot, but we stopped right at the edge of the crosswalk on her demand.
She looked over at me and raised her eyebrows, smirking while saying, "Niko got the band. He passed out all his flyers' too. It's party time."
***