"I'm sick and I'm tired too. I can admit, I am not fireproof. I feel it burning me..."
♫ The Beach by The Neighbourhood.
✰ ✰ ✰
When Cher and I got home from our impromptu Sex Freak Show at the birthday venue, I wore my bruises, hickies and bite marks like whorish battle scars, and she brandished her engagement ring like a blushing bride.
For three whole days, she annoyed the shit outta me and all our friends.
We were all excited for her, Koi mostly so, screaming at the top of her lungs and jumping around with Cherry for fifteen minutes when she heard the news.
But, even after all our friends expressed their happy congrats, she took any excuse to bring it up.
At the beauty store.
"Excuse me, could I sneak past you and grab that eye-shadow pallet? It's for my fiance."
At her shift at GroovyRoad.
"Slipknot or Limp Bizkit. Huh. I don't know... but you know who might? My fiance. He's just over there, he's in a band, he'd know more about good metal vinyl records than me. Ask him."
And even at the dentist office. While in the damn chair.
"Raise your right hand if you feel pain or if you think you might gag, okay?"
"Gag? Never. Ask my fiance."
That one earned some awkward laughter that had me facepalming myself in my chair in the corner and looking at her scoldingly. The dentists face would never be erased from my mind.
Cherry had grown a lot but she had little to no social awareness sometimes.
Either that or I taught her how to not care about other people feelings a little too well.
I couldn't believe I was such a sappy motherfucker, but watching her brag about me was an... indescribable kind of joy.
And I was riding it out for as long as it'd last.
"Say Satan." Holding up a disposable camera to my eye, I snapped a photo of Cher on the rehearsal stage at our local studio, the flash making her flinch and glare at me for the tenth time that hour.
"Okay, Harlow--Harlow, I told you, if you were gonna come to my rehearsal, that you had to be quiet. We're about to start, so I need you to shut the fuck up and eat your french fries, okay?" She sternly said, giving me an annoyed thumbs up as she spoke into the microphone.
She couldn't expect me to keep my mouth closed when she looked like that.
Stood up all sexy on that stage in baggy blue jeans and a white wife beater that was entirely see through, especially from so far back in my special seat.
I was sat on top of the piano with Niko, Mikey, and Zayn while we all ate food and watched out little ladies rehearse.
"Sure, sure," I snapped another picture and then whistled, winding up the film with my thumb as I gazed at the ceiling. Not doin' nothin'.
"Dude, look how many french fries I can fit in my mouth," Niko turned toward me suddenly, crumbs of salt falling from hs stretched lips.
I laughed and held up the camera, taking a photo. Which Mikey bombed, stickers from his happy meal stuck on his face.
"Oh my--this isn't a playground boys! Either pack it up and go, or shut...up." Cherry warned us again.
I took the camera away from my eye, rolling them, "Yes, dear."
"You're just gon' take that?" Zayn asked, munching on a chicken nugget, "Couldn't be me. I reckon you do whatever she says though, no?"
"She's my ol' lady." I smirked.
Niko chewed down the french fries like a dog, clearing his tongue enough to speak clearly, "More like his 'mommy', mommy!" He whined and whimpered, making fun of me.
He'd heard Cherry teasing me about it this morning. Turned out, now everyone knew what had slipped from my lips that night.
"Piss off," I shoved his arm and snatched his french fries, taking one out of the small container to eat.
"Oi! Those're mine! Get your own, you bottom whore!" Niko tried to snatch the french fries back, but I turned my body and stuffed my mouth full of them before he could.
"You little shit!"
"Hey! Okay, you know what? Out!" Cherry barked in interruption, feedback screeching into her microphone that gave me chills.
"No, no, no!" All of us boys exclaimed, looking up at the girls in begging.
"We'll be silent." Niko muttered, snatching back his fries.
"Not a peep," Zayn shook his head.
"Quiet as a rat," Mikey hushed.
"I--rat? The fuck are you talkin' about, ya wanker, it's quiet as a mouse."
"Rats? Mice? What's the difference?" Mikey asked me, shrugging his shoulders innocently.
"Um, there's a very big difference between a mouse and a rat," I corrected him, swallowing down the fatty food, "One eats fuckin' trash off the side of the road and the other can pull off a sensible party hat. You're mental."
"But, they're virtually the same, aren't they?" Zayn shrugged, "both got big teeth. Both smell. Both like cheese."
I cackled, "If that's the logic you're using, then Mikey would be right 'cause he's one of 'em."
Mikey threw a french fry at me.
Niko looked back and forth between all of us, "Okay, wait, think of it this way, mice are the lady rodents and rats are the men rodents."
"Ahh..." Zayn pointed at Niko in agreement with his sloshing pop drink, "This is why Naomi let you hit. He's thinkin' outside the box. Smart man."
I put my arms out, "What does that make me then? A fucking flamboyant squirrel? What's the rodent logic here? I'm at least a gerbil. I refuse to be classified with the rat category."
"You're a chipmunk," Zayn answered, "They're just sassy squirrels."
Niko dropped his jaw like we'd just discovered time travel, "Oh my god, dude, you're totally right--"
He was interrupted by a capo hitting him directly in the jaw and I soon flinched when a wadded up piece of paper was thrown at my head.
"Ow!"
"Quiet!" Cherry yelled at us again, earning every male eye in the room as she clutched the microphone with tense, clenched fists, "If you all don't shut up, I am going to walk over there, take this mic' stand and shove it where the sun don't fuckin' shine," She gritted.
"At least lube 'im up first, Cherry, c'mon!" Niko shouted, throwing an arm around my shoulder.
"Niko, stop talking." All Naomi had to do was say his name and all laughter was gone. She was so nonchalant about it, tuning her guitar without even a glance in his direction.
"Ooo..." Zayn, Mikey and I cooed with laughter.
"Someone's in trouble..." I whispered to him.
"Psh. It ain't no biggie. She calls me daddy at the end of the day," Niko laughed cockily, leaning onto the piano with his elbows, "Isn't that right, lollipop?"
Naomi looked up at him, pausing her guitar lick to set him straight, "You can talk the talk but you can't walk the walk. Not after getting paddled last night. Tell your little friends about that, daddy. Or should I say, Bambi?"
"My girl," Cherry laughed and did some weird, confusing, girly handshake with Naomi like they were thirty year old men bragging about their wives and their sex lives.
"Ooo!" I exclaimed, clapping Niko on the back, "Take a beatin' did ya'? Atta boy. Feels good, don't it?"
"Tuh. Barely," Niko muttered.
"I'll just bleach my ears later, it's fine..." Michael stuffed headphones in his ears and blasted System of a Down with a horrified look on his face.
"Welcome to the house of whores," I smacked a loud, smooching kiss onto Niko's cheek and he rolled his eyes, "Grab a collar and stay awhile, hottie."
"I'm not doing that ever again," He whispered, looking over at me, "My ass? Fuck you. It burns."
"That's the beauty. The long lasting effects. I couldn't sit down for a day after Cherry fucked me. Look at my ass," I hopped off of the piano and pulled down my pants and underwear with two fingers, showing off the heart shaped bruises from the crop.
"Looks like she ran her car over your cheeks." Niko covered his mouth like he was in pain just seeing it.
"I know. Isn't it gorgeous?" I sighed dreamily, crossing my arms and leaning onto the piano same as him.
"Did you at least get her back afterward?"
I slowly smirked, "I don't know, did I?..."
We both looked toward the stage and saw Cherry flipping through a set list, pacing back and forth on stage. She stopped and fanned herself with it before attempting to sit down on the stool behind her mic. She was successful but you could see her wince slightly, not to mention, she was like a grandma. Slow as fuck. There were bruises covering her neck, stomach and arms. Lightly, but they were there, not to mention her tits.
I'd sucked my fair share of hickeys on her this morning when we woke up.
I loved seeing her all marked up.
My cherry tasted even sweeter with love bruises.
Niko gave me a fist bump for my hard work and we both finally shut out mouths, watching the girls rehearse a new song; Primadonna Girl.
Emotional intimacy and commitment from me had put Cherry in the mood to write, sing, dance and fuck for the past few days like an alluring, horny bunny.
When I wasn't pissing her off like today, she was fucking my brains out.
She was all over me. All the time. I'd never experienced such lust from her or anyone, man or woman.
I was a horny motherfucker, I had women tattooed all over my body in precarious positions. I loved sex. Bad. But this was both a blessing and a bloody curse.
Between me and Cher, Naomi and Niko and-- occasionally Zayn joining the mix, my house felt like a brothel.
So long as Mikey was gone at Cher's with Kristen, anyone fucked anywhere.
Cherry jumped me in the kitchen. In the garage. In bed in the morning. In the bathroom. In the driveway. In the living room while I was trying to watch MTV. It was almost as annoying as when we first met and she'd constantly try to talk my ear off in the middle of nowhere.
Except, in these instances, she ended up with my cum painted on some part of her body rather than only tears.
It was like a honeymoon in a way. We were celebrating.
I was in such a good mood, which was why, even though I knew I had responsibilities, I was fucking avoiding 'em. Much like I always did.
It'd been weeks since Bella died, and I had yet to hold a wake for her. I had yet to visit her.
I was making all of these big, life changing steps, but I was still too much of a piece of shit coward to go visit my dead daughters' grave.
It had been bugging me for a while, just poking at the back of my brain, ever since Cherry and I got engaged.
I was reminded of when Bella was alive and she married us in her fantasy world. She wanted us together, she loved Cherry with every bit of her little heart.
I felt I owed it to her to tell her what I was up to. It felt like she could hear me, see me, she was watching me. Waiting for me to speak up.
But, what could I say? I love you? I miss you? I'm sorry?
Nothing felt right.
I was bound by my fear and she deserved more from me, she always had. Which was why I had to do something sooner or later. Fear be damned.
When Cherry and her girls' wrapped up, Niko, Zayn, Mike and I all clapped for them like groupies.
Cherry hopped off of the stage and moseyed her way over to me sweetly, "So, what did ya think?"
"I think... you killed it, 'cause you're my girl and you always do," I slid my hands onto her waist and held her close, "Don't ask silly questions."
She chewed her lip, "Well, I'm only asking because my boss at Groovyroad? Peter? He's been there for years. He knows the ins and outs of Chicago's music industry and this morning when I clocked out, he told me he could send a demo tape to... a record label."
"No way," I gasped slightly, "Baby, that's great."
"I know!" She hugged me briefly and I kissed her cheek, "That's why we're even here. I need to choose three songs and give him a tape by this Friday. It's a small company, they're 'lax, but I told him that's what we wanted, you know? As much as Koi dreams of it, I do not wanna splash into the pool of being a pop idol."
"Am I so crazy for wanting to get a cup of coffee with Ciara and Britney? Is that so awful?" Koi threw her arms up.
"Keep dreamin', babe." Cherry laughed.
"Ugh." She crossed her arms.
"Let's go out and celebrate. Who's down for drinks and karaoke at Cosmo's?" I asked, slinging my arm around Cherry's shoulder.
"Hell yeah." The group agreed.
"Let's get outta' here."
Dispersing, the girls packed up their belongings and everyone went their separate ways.
In the car a half hour later, on our way to Cosmo's bar, Cher confronted me without hesitation as she drove, her tone telling me that she hoped it wasn't the latter, "So... are you gonna tell me what's wrong or--are we doing that thing where I guess and you dodge me?"
Sneaky rat. Nothing gets passed her.
"I'm fine." I said with a sigh, shaking my head when she gave me a 'really?' face, "Really. I feel okay. I'm just..." I scratched my cheek, looking down at my lap, "I've been thinkin' about Bells a lot lately, y'know?"
"Oh, Harlow," She frowned, giving my thigh a gently squeeze, "I know you miss her. I miss her too."
"It's not about missing her. It's about the fact that I haven't even gone to fucking see her," I expressed with frustration, "I haven't talked to her, I haven't... gotten real closure."
"I thought you were working on a nice speech?"
"I scrapped it." I muttered, "What kinda' loser am I, reading from a fucking paper? It's not real. It's not everything I wanna say. Nothing comes out right. I just - I'm so frustrated with it."
"Nirvana," She said, stopping at a red light to give me her attention, "I know you want it to be meaningful. I know you want it to be perfect. But, she's your kid. And I think you need to grasp the fact that..." She clicked his tongue once, pursing her lips at me, "You'll never know what the 'right thing' to say is."
I gave her a side glance, resting my head against the car-seat rest behind me, "Yeah, but-"
"And you will never," She squeezed my leg for emphasis, "Never, ever, run out of things to say to her. She was your kid. She was... brilliant, and beautiful, and smart, and sassy, and all good things rolled into one, she was wonderful. You can't sit there and think about what you wanna say, how to say it, when to say it, because if you do, you'll never go, because it'll never be enough."
Cher always hit the nail on the head with everything.
Often times, she left me feelin' pretty damn stupid. And I hated that she was right.
"I think you need to bite the bullet, babe."
I looked back at Cher.
"I think you need to go see her," She nodded at me, reaching up to hold my chin and swipe her fingers lovingly across my jaw, "Be scared, that's okay. But... go."
Inhaling deeply, I nodded silently, taking her hand to hold.
"How about we have a picnic tomorrow, huh? Me, you, Niko, Mike, whoever wants to come. We can all go together and sit with her. We can eat, we can talk, we can stay awhile. Everyone will be there, everyone will share, you won't be alone. Maybe then, it'll come to you?"
I bit my tongue and solemnly nodded, "Okay."
"Okay," She replied in a mocking, teasing tone, ruffling my hair, "Cheer up, Charlie. M'sure everything's gonna be fine."
'Sure.' That was what I was afraid of.
✧༺♥༻✧
Staring at my reflection the next morning made me ill'.
At Cosmo's bar, wrecked with anxiety about this morning, I drank myself to sleep. I knocked back shot after shot, I couldn't stop until I didn't feel it; the weight bearing down on my chest, sinking me to the ocean floor and suffocating me.
And because of that, I hated, loathed, despised, the way I looked.
My eyes were sunken in and dark, my hair greasy, my skin dry and cracked, my lips bleeding and my stubble too strong.
But more than that, more than the way I hated my body and my face, I hated my soul, my being, my mistakes, and that was often all I saw when I looked at the 'man' in the mirror.
I saw my kid in my eyes. I saw how I failed her over and over.
No matter how many times Cherry told me I was doing good, no matter how 'beautiful' she described my soul, my personality, my being, I never saw myself in that way.
I saw myself in despair. I saw myself in guilt and shame, a lifetimes worth. But I suppose that was the kicker.
My reflection would never show me my deepest desires, it would never show my personality, the adoration I had for music or for the woman I loved. You couldn't see that in your own reflection-- I couldn't.
But others could. When you fall in love, you fall for the way someone is, the way someone breathes, you fall in love with their passion or charm. Maybe that's what stops us from falling in love with ourselves. We can't see how our work makes us happy. We don't get to watch ourselves at a concert for the first time and relish in how joyful we were to be there. We just know what we feel, what we felt. We just remember that thrill. While our loved ones see the magic, the joy, the passion, and someone they couldn't bear to live without.
Cherry loved me, she knew me better than I knew myself.
I didn't deserve that but I was so fucking lucky to have her because I'd never see myself that way.
My face was forever and always my daughters' face.
It no longer belonged to me. She had my eyes, my everything.
I'd never be able to truly see myself in the mirror again and that killed me.
As I stared into the big, circular and now cracked mirror above the sink in the upstairs bathroom, I washed the blood off of my knuckles. I let it slowly flow down the drain before splashing my face full of ice cold water, hoping that the temperature would cool my heated skin.
"Baby? Are you in there? What're you doin' knucklehead, it's time to go. Tinkerbell's waitin'."
Turning my head in the direction of my pink bathroom door, I licked the water droplets from my lips, "Just um, go on without me, okay? I'll meet you at the... at the cemetery," I cleared my throat.
Saying those words would never get easier.
It went quiet for a moment and I heard it coming before she even said it, "Harlow, are you okay in there?"
I was so sick of people asking me that.
"I'm fine, love," I muttered, "Please, go."
"Are you sure--"
"Alice." I conveyed the seriousness of my troubles with one word, "I love you, I love you so much, but please, get the fuck away from me right now. I don't wanna say something I don't mean, okay?" My voice trailed out into a hushed whisper.
There was silence for a moment, until she softly said, "I made Bella's favorite for us. Scones and... raspberry jam?"
I could tell she was just trying to cheer me up.
I plastered on a fake smile even though she couldn't see me, "My girl. That sounds amazing, Cher, thank you. Save some for me. Don't get Mikey pig out till' I get there, alright?"
That seemed to satisfy her need to help and I heard her laugh slightly, "I'll try. See you there..."
"Yep." I muttered, leaning against the sink.
Her footsteps retreated all the way down the hall, down the stairs, and out the door and I felt my throat waver the second that she was gone from my proximity, my palms shooting up to cover my eyes.
I sucked in a sharp breath as I heard their car doors close and I refused to cry, holding my breath until the threat of tears subsided with the burning in my nose.
I ripped the stupid black blazer off and undid a couple of the suffocating buttons on the collar of my suit, until I could see the tattoos on my chest.
I yanked my belt off, un-tucked the free flowing black shirt, and undid the cuffs that I'd so meticulously prepared no less than an hour ago.
I wouldn't wear this, I couldn't pretend to be this put together, suit-wearing schmuck.
I opened the door and went to my closet, sifting through my shirts like a madman until I came across the sweater I wore the last day Bella was with us. The heart printed, pink shirt still had glitter embedded into the fibers.
When I pressed it against my face, I could smell her skin and the soft scent of her shampoo from that morning when I helped give her a bath.
I could see her face. Hear her wandering around me, her feet patting across the floor like a ghost. Strangely, it brought me comfort.
For just a minute, I pretended this wasn't happening. That she was there.
I blinked my blurring eyes and chewed my wobbling lip as I tore off my button down and put the baggy sweater on, kissing the sleeves as I bunched the fabric in my hands.
I walked out of the room and down the stairs, aching for a breath of fresh air, aching for a moment to myself in the sun with this warmth. With her.
I opened the front door, only to find Niko waiting outside in the driveway, leaning against my Camaro, smoking.
I stopped at the bottom step, wiping my cheek with quickness, "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the cemetery. I told Cherry--"
"I know what you told her," He hooked one arm over his chest, tucking his hand under the opposite arm, "But you're here alone."
"That's because I wanna be alone." I argued.
"I don't trust you with yourself and you know why."
I huffed, stepping down the remaining stairs, "Oh. I get it. You're on suicide watch, huh. Here to make sure I'm not off my meds, that I don't eat my fuckin' gun. God, everyone is so damn worried about me all the time," I pushed past him.
"Are we taking the car or are we walking?"
I stopped at the end of the driveway and whipped my head around, "I'm walking. Alone. Fucks sake. Can't I just be alone?"
"Can you promise me that you're okay?"
"You... you suck." I turned around on my heel and stepped out onto the street, crossing my arms over my stomach. I heard his footsteps leisurely follow behind me and I tried to shut them out, walking a tad faster, but he caught up to me soon enough.
"So," He slung an arm around my shoulder to my protest and ignored me, keeping his eyes on the wavering road ahead of us, rippling with heat waves, "D'you think Naomi wants to be my girlfriend?"
"Excuse me?"
"Do you think Naomi wants to be with me? 'Cause... I'm not sure if I'm ready. If she's ready. Y'know? Been thinking about it a lot the past coupl'a weeks." He sighed.
"You're coming to me on the day of my daughters funeral to ask for relationship advice?"
Niko mocked me, speaking in a sharp New York, Sicilian accent, "You come here unannounced on the day my daughters' to be married. Who are you, Marlon Brando?"
"Go away." I pushed his arm off of me and walked faster.
I heard him stop, "Harlow."
"What?" I snapped, turning around to glare at him and throw my arms up, "What do you want from me? I'm trying, okay? I'm--I'm going to the cemetery, I'm doing what I promised her, I'm trying. That's all I can do, that's it. I can't..." My throat tightened, "I can't bring her back, I can't change anything, I can't even think of what to say, I..."
I swallowed down tears and fought back a voice crack. I gripped the edges of my sweater, wanting to curl away and sink into it like a scared child. I felt paralyzed by his caring stare.
"I don't want you to be alone, that's all." Niko took a step forward.
"Don't touch me." I took a step back, "Don't. I don't wanna cry, today's not supposed to be about that, today's supposed to be good, it was supposed to be good," I said with frustration, "It was supposed to be happy, it was supposed to mean something."
"I know." He frowned, putting up his hands in surrender.
"I just wanna do right by my little girl," I tried my hardest to keep my tears as bay, biting my tongue to the point where I drew blood but nothing helped. I looked down and clenched up my fists as I fought to take a deep breath. I was holding it back so hard to the point I was shaking.
"You're doing right by her every day, you know that," He came up in front of me.
"Then why do I feel like this?" I croaked.
"Because no matter how right you make things now," He took a light hold of my hand, "It's still not fair. It won't ever feel fair. You deserve to have her here. You did nothing to deserve this, Harlow. I wish every day that things were different for you."
"It's not fair," I whispered, tears pooling in the corners of my eyes, "It's not fucking fair."
"I know, darling."
I buckled and let him pull me into a tight hug, my sinuses contracting as I began to softly cry. He slid his hands around my waist and up the back of my shirt, holding me so tight that all I could smell was his cologne.
I clutched the collar of his jacket, sinking in his arms.
"Think of a wonderful thought," He whispered, running his fingers through my hair, "Any merry little thought. That was Bella's favorite song, Harlow. Anything you say, anything will be right, so long as it's something that makes you smile."
"She l-loved that song." I whispered, smiling through my tears at the memory.
I'd never forget the smile on her face as she danced in front of the TV to Peter Pan's 'You Can Fly.'
It was one of the last times I saw Bella before she went missing. And for hours, we sang that sang together.
It was stuck in my head for weeks.
I'd never forget the way she sang along with no words at all. Just a baby. So small. So sweet. So innocent. So precious.
The thought ran through my mind like a train on the tracks and I let myself think hard back to the memory as the song echoed in my head.
"There's a Neverland waiting for you, where all your happy dreams, come true..."
***