T/W: This chapter will include mentions of Self-Harm so if you're triggered by this then I wouldn't read the end of this chapter.
"Car?" Maya spoke tiredly as she barely opened her eyes to find her wife moving around the bedroom whilst trying to be quiet as possible. "What time is it?" she questioned confused.
Carina turned to look at the blonde woman with a guilty expression. "Sorry, Bella. I was trying not to wake you up," she said as she sighed.
"It's okay," Maya reluctantly agreed as she shifted herself to lean against the headboard of the bed. "Where are you going?" she wondered.
"The hospital needs me to come in. There's an emergency," Carina explained to her wife as she continued to get changed as quickly as possible.
Maya furrowed her eyebrow confused, "But it's your day off? Surely there's another OB that is available to help out. Jo or someone else," she pointed out.
"I'm afraid not Bella," Carina exhaled a sigh and walked over to her wife to press a kiss against her lips. "I have to go but I'll try not to be too long," she promised.
Maya nodded slightly as she yawned, "Okay. I'll see you later," she agreed as she kissed her wife back. "I love you," she added quietly.
Carina stood back and flashed a smile at her wife, "I love you too, Bella," she said as she picked up her purse. "See you later on," she added before she quickly left the bedroom, still attempting to stay as quiet as possible considering that Andy was currently asleep on the couch where she had been crashing for almost a week.
Maya tossed and turned in bed before she made the ultimate decision to get up and padded down the hallway to her daughter's bedroom. Opening the door, she was met with the sight of Maddie fast asleep in bed lying on top of her bed with Lizzie fast asleep by her, the older blonde sighed slightly and searched around her bedroom for the blanket which she tucked over her and kissed the top of her head before turning back around to exit the bedroom. Lizzie briefly woke up and looked at the older blonde before she put her head back down and continued to sleep.
Turning to walk out of the room, Maya caught a glance at the side of Maddie's bed and spotted a few stray photos, the blonde woman couldn't help but smile at the memories that were behind the photos. There was one photo in particular that Maya saw and had to hold back the laughter before she woke her daughter up.
"Quick, Mads!" Travis exclaimed as he ran towards the blonde teenager. "Grab the water gun and help me get the guys!" he told her.
Maddie shot up from her seat and grinned at the two men that were running towards Travis with buckets full of water, "I'm on it, uncle Trav–" she was cut off by Dean instantly picking her up and throwing her over his shoulder. "Ahh no, uncle Dean! That's cheating!" she exclaimed as she giggled wildly.
Dean couldn't help but laugh as he darted toward the edge of the pool, "Sorry, shorty. I see an opportunity there and I have to take it," he told her amusedly as he turned to Jack. "Hey man, help a brother out?" he questioned as he motioned towards the teenager thrown over his shoulder.
"Oh of course man, let's go!" Jack exclaimed eagerly as the two men had Maddie between them lifted in the air, ready to throw her into the pool.
"Guys, be careful with my daughter!" Maya shouted over from where she sat chatting with Andy although she couldn't help but watch amused.
"Ahh, no!" Maddie squealed in protest as Jack and Dean both began to swing her in the air. "Guys, stop! You can't do this!" she continued to protest.
"On three," Jack began with a playful smirk on his face.
"One," Dean started.
"Two," They both said in sync.
"Thr–" They said as Vic cut them off.
"Whoa, hold on! Let me get a photo," Vic interjected as both men looked at her almost gone out.
"Really, Hughie?" Dean couldn't help but roll his eyes.
"Yeah, it's the perfect photo opportunity!" Vic exclaimed as she pulled her phone out of her pocket. "Say cheese!" she told them.
Jack and Dean resisted the urge to roll their eyes while Maddie still squealed in their arms.
"Put me down!" Maddie whined as she wriggled in their arms.
"No can do, Mad-Dog," Jack said amusedly. "Cheese!" he grinned at the camera at the same time that both Dean did while Maddie was caught mid-laugh. "And three," he stated before the two men through the teenager into the pool.
Maddie was quick to float back up to the water and shriek at the cold temperature inside the pool, "Oh my God, it's freezing!" she whined as she jumped up and down in the water. "That was not fair you guys, you both ganged up on me!" she complained.
Dean couldn't help but laugh, "Yeah but it was so worth it trouble," he told her feeling proud of himself. It wasn't too long until he along with Jack were both pushed into the pool by Vic and Andy.
"Okay, now I feel better that there's revenge," Maddie stated as she grinned.
"We'll protect you Mija. Don't worry," Andy told her blonde niece as she leaned her hand out to help the blonde teenager out of the pool.
Remembering the memories of that day, Maya couldn't help but smile at the memories that the photo held. Vic made sure to print the photo out for Maddie to have to remember the day. A great idea at the time. The realization hit that there would be no more memories Maddie would have like that with her lovable uncle Dean and the thought of that upset Maya as she felt her eyes tear up.
Feeling the emotions overwhelm her, Maya quickly walked out of her daughter's bedroom before she woke her up, the past week the household had all dealt with the grief in different ways. Maddie had gone back to being quiet and reserved, barely leaving her bedroom at all and both women weren't even sure if she was even sleeping more than a few hours a night. If the bags under her eyes were anything to go by at least. Not to mention that she hadn't wanted to eat. Both women were greatly concerned that this was happening and they knew that they needed to intervene soon before it got worse.
"Mornin' Maya," Andy spoke aloud which almost made Maya jump out of her skin as she walked unlit kitchen and found her best friend making coffee.
"Jesus, Andy, you scared me," Maya muttered as she rested her hand over her heart. "You couldn't sleep either?" she questioned.
"No, not much," Andy admitted as she exhaled a sigh and motioned to the coffee machine. "Want a cup?" she offered.
"Sure," Maya agreed and leaned against the kitchen counter in the middle of the kitchen. "I went to check on Mads, you know in case she tried to escape out of the window again," she said jokingly. "Found the photos of the day when we a barbeque on her bed beside her," she added.
Andy worked to make coffee and couldn't help but smile slightly, "Oh, when Jack and Dean threw her into the pool?" she questioned.
"Yeah. Good times," Maya said as she exhaled a sigh and got lost deep in her own thoughts. "It's never going to be like that again, I mean he'll never be there, for any more occasions that any of us have," she spoke her thoughts aloud.
"Yeah I know," Andy said as she looked sad. "Ben said that Pru doesn't really understand it, she just keeps on asking for Dean and she's having trouble sleeping since she's been with them both," she told the blonde. Pru was staying with Ben and Miranda, per Dean's wish if anything were to happen to him. Nobody saw this coming though at all.
Maya frowned and shook her head, "There's gotta be something that we can do, all of this must be so confusing for her to understand," she said. "I'll talk to Ben, ask how we can support them when I'm next on shift,," she added.
Andy nodded her head in agreement, "Have you heard anything from Jack?" she wondered as she continued to make the coffee.
"Not since that day at the hospital. Beckett's given him some time off last I heard," Maya explained. "I'm not surprised, I don't think he's dealing with this all too well," she added as she feined her concerns about the man.
"One of us should probably check in on him," Andy noted as she lifted the coffee pot and poured it into 2 mugs.
"Yeah, you're right there," Maya agreed with a nod. "Are you still okay to watch Maddie for us later? Carina booked a table at the restaurant for us both," she told her best friend.
"Yeah, of course, it'll be good to spend time with her," Andy agreed as she smiled.
"Well, you might have more luck getting my daughter out of her bedroom," Maya chuckled slightly as she rested her mug in her hands. "We've both tried to talk to Mads, she either bottles everything up or she snaps at us," she admitted.
"I'll do my best to try and talk to her," Andy told her best friend and gave her a reassuring smile. "You go out and enjoy the kid-free evening," she told her.
From the moment that Carina stepped inside the hospital, her morning began hectic. Of course, the day where most of her colleagues fell sick just happened to be the day that several mamas all went into labour, two emergency c-sections' later and the brunette now found herself standing in the cue waiting for a delicious cup of caffeine before she continued with her work.
Paying for her cup of coffee, she turned and started back inside of the hospital as she bumped into someone, "Oh scusa– Bailey? I didn't think you would be in today," Carina stated confused when she spotted the Chief of surgery heading towards the building as she made a mad dash from the car park.
"The hospital won't run itself but I could say the same about you," Bailey said as she furrowed her brow. "I thought it was your day off today?" she asked.
"Si, it was supposed to be but today every mama seems to be going into labour," Carina said as she felt exhausted, she hadn't exactly gotten a lot of sleep as the concern she felt for her wife kept her awake, she knew Maya was upset even if she decided to keep her emotions all bottled up. "And it just so happens that all of the other OBs are either unavailable or sick," she added.
"Ah, I understand," Bailey agreed as the two women walked inside the hospital.
Carina looked at the woman and smiled, "How are you? How are things with little Pru?" she questioned.
"Well, we're doing the best we can but it's tough," Bailey admitted as they continued to walk through the building. "Pru barely understands what has happened and it's heartbreaking that she keeps asking for Dean and Ben of course just doesn't know what exactly to say right now," she explained to the taller woman.
Carina exhaled a sigh and nodded in understanding, "Please, if there is anything that Maya or I can do, let us know. We are wanting to help in any way that we can," she told Bailey. "Death is difficult to understand at any age but I can't begin to imagine how confusing it must all be the little Bambina to understand," she said sympathetically. Pru was barely even 3, she didn't know what was happening at all. This would be a lot for a little girl to understand.
"Thank you, Carina," Bailey said gratefully. "How are Maya and Maddie holding up? It must be hard for Maya as well, losing a member of the team," she wondered.
"Well, Maddie keeps herself locked up in her bedroom, she barely eats and I don't think she is sleeping much either," Carina confessed her worries. "And Maya is doing her usual thing where she hides her emotions for the benefit of everyone else, of course, I know that she is upset but she feels like she needs to remain strong and be there for everyone else to lean on," she explained.
Bailey nodded as she listened to Carina explain her worries, "I understand. Ben is quiet but he's trying to push his own feelings aside to make sure that Pru is okay no matter what, you know what he is like though," she said as she smiled faintly.
"Si, I do," Carina couldn't help but chuckle slightly. That man was one that put everyone's needs before his own, a good man. "I think the whole team is feeling a little lost right now and I think it's going to take some time to get to grips with it," she said as she got interrupted by her phone going off. "And that's my cue, I need to get back to my patients," she said as she sighed.
"Of course, I'll see you later Carina," Bailey waved her hand off in the direction.
I'll see you later on Bailey," Carina said before she made a quick dash back towards to OB/GYN ward to help the woman in labour with the poor man sitting beside her as she squeezed his hand to pieces. Carina almost felt sympathetic for him. Almost. There was the exhaustion of the sleep that overwhelmed her and the concern for her wife and daughter who were struggling even if neither of them would admit it themselves.
"I'll be finished around 5 o'clock today," Andy told Maya as she gathered her stuff into her backpack and zipped it up. "I'll be back before you go out tonight," she added.
Maya nodded in agreement, "Okay. If I remember correctly, Carina's booked the table for 6 o'clock so there's no rush at all to get back. You know, I'm still not even entirely sure if we should go out for dinner," she voiced her concerns.
"Maya, go. You need the distraction," Andy encouraged her best friend.
Maya chewed on her lip anxiously, "I just don't think it's a good idea. I mean, what about Mads?" she asked worriedly.
"Maddie will be fine for a couple of hours and I'm here as well don't forget. The apartment won't set on fire while you're both away," Andy joked with her blonde best friend. "I'm serious, go out and have a good time. We'll be fine," she told her.
"I don't know whether I should be concerned," Maya couldn't help but tease her best friend.
Andy gasped playfully and rested her hand on her heart, "I'll have you know that your daughter will be in my capable hands," she insisted.
"That's what I am worried about," Maya said as she grinned and continued to wind her best friend up.
Andy swatted her best friend playfully and then surprisingly caught site of the teenage girl that had abandoned her bedroom, "Hey, look who's up!" she exclaimed as she smiled at the teenager kindly.
"Hello," Maddie mumbled as she shuffled further into the kitchen as Lizzie not long followed after her like normal. It wasn't often that you wouldn't find the small pup by the teenager's side.
Maya was shocked that her daughter had actually left her bedroom willingly, "Hey, kiddo. Are you okay?" she questioned gently.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Lizzie is hungry and needs breakfast," Maddie spoke quietly before she walked over to the pantry and pulled out the food needed and poured the right amount into the puppy's bowl.
"Hey, it's just me and you tonight Mija since your moms' are going out," Andy glanced in the teenagers' direction and playfully winked.
Maddie batted an eyelid at the words and shrugged her shoulders loosely, "Cool," she mumbled as she fidgeted with her hands.
Andy and Maya both shared a glance between one another, "Alright, I've gotta go before I am late," she stated as she picked her backpack up and shoved it over one shoulder. "See you both later on," she waved before she headed towards the door.
Maya waved her hand in her best friend's direction, "See you later," she said as Andy left the apartment and she turned her attention to her daughter. "So, would you like any breakfast, kiddo? I'm sure that I can make you some toast without burning it this time," she joked lightly.
Maddie shook her head slightly, "No thanks. I'm not hungry," she stated as she stood awkwardly in the kitchen, wanting nothing more than to go back to her bedroom and hide away from the rest of the world.
"Mads, you need to eat still," Maya gently reminds her daughter.
"And I have already said that I'm not hungry," Maddie muttered as she picked at her nail polish.
Maya frowned as she looked at her daughter concerned, "Mads, I know you're not hungry but you really need to try and eat something. You have barely eaten this past week and it's not good for your health at all," she told her firmly. "Now, I can try and make you some breakfast or if you would like, maybe we could go out instead?" she offered.
Maddie huffed loudly, "I've said that I'm not hungry! I don't want to go out and eat either," she stated annoyed. "You know what, I'm going to back to my room," she mumbled before she stomped off back in the direction of her bedroom.
"No, wait, Mads..." Maya said as she let out a sigh and threw her head back in frustration. Today was certainly going to be a long day and she was not in the mood to deal with a moody teenager.
"Ciao Bella," Carina greeted her wife as she walked through the apartment door later that day, she was glad to be home now so at least she could spend the rest of her day off with her wife.
Maya looked over her shoulder from where she sat on the couch and smiled at her wife, "Hi honey," she said as she watched Carina hang her coat up on the hooks. "How was it at the hospital?" she wondered.
"Busy," Carina exhaled a sigh as she walked over to the couch, pressed a kiss against her wife's lips and sat down beside her. "How was your day so far? Where's the Bambina?" she asked.
"Well, I tried to sleep once you left for work this morning but I didn't have much luck so I have been awake ever since," Maya explained to her wife as she turned her attention to the TV. "Maddie's been in her bedroom most of the morning. I thought we had a slight breakthrough earlier but that wasn't the case," she told her wife as she sighed. "Carina, she hasn't eaten much at all, I'm worried about her," she added.
Carina frowned and nodded in agreement, "Maybe I can try and talk to her," she said worriedly. "I saw Bailey at the hospital earlier when I was getting a coffee, she told me that little Pru doesn't understand any of this at all," she told her wife.
"I know, Ben said the same thing when we were on shift," Maya said as she smiled sadly. "I wish there was something more we could do to help," she said.
"Si. I told her that if there is anything that we can do to help then we will," Carina told her wife as she caught a glance at the TV, slightly taken back by what was on the screen. "Maya, what are you watching?" she asked.
Maya looked between her wife and the TV, "Oh, it's called the L word, I came across it while I was looking for something to watch. It's pretty good," she stated.
"It's a bunch of lesbians?" Carina wondered aloud, slightly jealous about this.
"Yeah," Maya agreed.
"You know, I'm not sure whether this is something that I should be jealous about you watching, Bella," Carina said as she raised her eyebrow at her wife.
"Don't be jealous honey," Maya turned her full attention to her wife. "You, my wonderfully hot, amazingly great in bed, wife are everything that I could ever imagine and more, much better than any woman on the telly," she told her with a wicked smile on her face. "But even you have to admit that Bette has a great pair of boobs," she couldn't help but smirk at her wife.
"Bella!" Carina playfully nudged her wife's side. "I don't know even know who this 'Bette' is that you're on about," she said as she continued to feel jealous that her wife was staring at another woman, even if it was on the TV.
"Oh come on honey, you know that I have a thing for brunettes," Maya smiled at her wife innocently.
"Uh-huh, sure," Carina couldn't help but laugh slightly as she stood up from the couch. "I'm going to go check on our daughter and leave you to stare at the woman on the screen," she started to walk away before she turned around. "And then if you decide to come join me, I'll be in the shower afterwards," she said teasingly.
"Yeah, sure, okay," Maya mumbled, not entirely hearing what her wife said as her attention was back to the TV. "Yes girl, go on," she spoke quietly.
"Oh Dios Mio," Carina mumbled amusedly as she shook her head and walked down the hall to her daughters' bedroom. "Bambina?" she knocked on the door gently and waited for an answer.
"Bambina?" Maddie heard her mama call out from the other side of the door. "Maddie, can I come in?" she called out again.
The teenage girl sat on her bed as she stared out the window at whatever was going on outside, she hadn't been outside much the past week and it wasn't like she was bothered at all.
All she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and forget everything that was going on around but there was a craving that she needed, a cigarette or something stronger to take the edge off her feelings.
"Bambina?" Maddie heard her mama call out from the other side of the door. "Maddie, can I come in?" she asked before the door was opened.
"Even if I said no then you would have done anyways so sure, why not," Maddie muttered sarcastically as she glanced over at the door where Carina stood in the doorway. "Hello, mama," she added.
"Hi Bambina," Carina spoke softly as she looked at her daughter who looked deeply depressed. "Mom said that you haven't eaten much today," she noted.
Carina couldn't help but notice that she was still wearing her pyjamas and her hair was all frazzled, her classic bedhead that usually made the Italian women laugh but right now all she felt was a concern for her daughter. She wasn't in a good way at all.
Maddie shrugged her shoulders carelessly, "I'm not that hungry," she stated.
"Perhaps I can just make you something small to eat, a sandwich maybe?" Carina offered the younger girl. "Why don't you go jump in the shower and while you can do that I can make you something to eat. You'll feel better once you've done that," she suggested.
"I'm not hungry mama," Maddie repeated as she started to pick at her nail polish again.
Carina stepped further into her daughter's bedroom and frowned, "Bambina, you need to eat or you'll get sick. It's important," she told her.
Maddie let out a groan and threw her head back in frustration, "Mama, please don't go all doctor mode on me now," she mumbled.
Carina couldn't but chuckle slightly, "Alright then I'll go mama-mode instead then, Bambina, you need to get up and go shower," she told her firmly. "I'm being serious Maddie, this isn't healthy and I know you're upset but you are going to do as you told for once, understood?" she stated firmly.
Maddie let out a sigh and nodded, "Alright, fine," she mumbled as she stood up of her bed.
"Good," Carina said as she followed her daughter out of the bedroom. "Now, I'll go and make that sandwich for you, ready for you when you're out and dressed," she told her.
"Alright," Maddie mumbled quietly as she shuffled into the bathroom.
Maya spotted her wife walk back towards the kitchen and she paused the TV, "Did you have much luck?" she questioned as she stood up from the couch and walked over to Carina who went about in the kitchen making lunch for Maddie.
"Si. I told her that she needed to eat and it was non-negotiable," Carina explained as she spread the butter on the sandwich. "She's gone for a shower," she added.
"Thank you," Maya spoke quietly as she smiled at her wife. "I try with her and she just snaps, somehow your words make a difference," she said.
"Don't doubt yourself, Bella. I know that you are grieving too," Carina said as she sighed and continued to make sandwiches, adding the meat. "You're allowed to be upset too, and lucky for you, there are two of us to take care of things. Don't keep your emotions bottled up, I'm here to take care of you," she said as she cut the sandwiches up and put them on a plate.
"I need to be strong," Maya spoke quietly as she shifted in her spot. "For Maddie and for the team," she added as she finished making the sandwiches.
"Maya," Carina placed her hand on top of her wife's own. "You can be sad, he was your friend. I know you're trying to hold it together but just let it out, I've got you," she told her as she moved her hands and slid a plate in her wife's direction. "Here, I know you haven't eaten much either," she said giving her wife a knowing look.
Maddie continued to stand in the shower once she had washed her body and hair, she found herself staring blankly at the wall in front of her as tears rolled down her cheeks. Everything was building up inside, all the different emotions that she was feeling, losing Sarah, losing her uncle Dean, her auntie Vic being in the hospital. It was all becoming too much, she just needed some relief.
As the hot water ran down her back, Maddie's feelings started to become numb as she slowly reached out for an object. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a razor and without hesitation, she reached out for it with shaky hands as she lowered it onto her bare skin and began to make a sharp slice into her upper thigh.
"Oh fuck," Wincing at the pain, Maddie bit her lip to stop the gasp that almost came out of her mouth as the sting she felt was immense but that was soon followed by a sense of relief. Another slice into her skin was followed by another. Somehow with all of the worries that she felt inside of her, this was now becoming a coping method.
Sure, it wasn't exactly a healthy one but it was one that she could control herself. Nobody else.
Watching the blood trickle down into the water, Maddie leaned her head back and closed her eyes as she let the water continue to stream down her back. All she felt now was a relief.
"Mads? Are you okay in there, you've been in there for some time now?" Maya spoke from the other side of the door pulling Maddie out of her thoughts.
"Uh yeah, I'm just finishing washing my hair," Maddie lied as she pulled herself away from the water and shut it off. "I'll be out in a minute mom," she added.
Stepping out of the shower, she wrapped a towel around her body and her hair before opening the door to the bathroom and walking out.
"Your sandwich is ready Bambina when you've finished getting dressed," Carina told her as Maddie walked past the kitchen to her bedroom.
"Thanks, mama," Maddie mumbled before she stepped inside of her bedroom and pulled out a pair of sweatpants, a t-shirt and an oversized hoodie before she sat down on her bed, once again staring into space for a few seconds before she looked down at the array of cuts on her now.
This relief. This coping.
"Mads? Come and eat your sandwich, kiddo," Maya called out from the kitchen.
"Coming!" Maddie shouted back in response as she quickly got dressed and headed out into the kitchen. "Thanks mama," she said as Carina handed her the plate.
"Thought you'd got lost in there," Maya joked with her teenage daughter.
Maddie couldn't help but plaster a fake smile as she picked at the sandwich that was in front of her, "I got distracted in there, the water was warm," she told them.
Carina chuckled slightly, "Any longer and you would have started to turn into a prune, Bambina," she said.
"Right," Maddie said as she nodded slightly. "I was thinking, maybe I can take Lizzie for a walk afterwards? Fresh air would be good, right?" she asked.
Maya blinked in surprise this was something different, "Sure," she agreed as she nodded her head slightly. Carina nodded her head in encouragement as well.
"Cool," Maddie said as she continued to keep a fake smile on her face. "Also, I was wondering, I know I'm still technically grounded but can I have my phone back? I am really sorry for how I have acted the last few weeks and for sneaking out to the party," she said.
Maya and Carina both shared a glance with one another.
"Okay Bambina, you can have it back but just know that we'll be quick to take it away again if you're behaviour doesn't improve though," Carina told her firmly.
"Mama's right, if you start and act up again then we will be having it back off you. Remember, your phone is a privilege, kiddo," Maya added.
Maddie nodded in agreement, "Thank you, thank you, thank you," she said. "I understand, I will behave and not get into any more trouble," she told them both.
"Alright, I'll go and grab it," Carina said before she stepped out of the kitchen and headed into the bedroom.
"We mean it Maddie, any bad behaviour and you'll lose it," Maya told her firmly.
"I know, I got it, mom," Maddie agreed as she walked over and picked up Lizzie's lead from the draw. "Come on girl, walkies!" she called out to the excitable puppy who saw the lead and knew exactly what that meant.
Of course, Maddie also had other ideas for this walk. Ideas that involved bad habits that would definitely land her in hot water.
"Here you go Bambina," Carina handed the phone to the teenager who took a hold of it eagerly and hugged it preciously as it would disappear at any moment.
"Thank you!" Maddie said as she grabbed her converses, shoved them on and then attached the lead to Lizzie before she headed towards the door. "See you both later!" Maddie waved before she headed out of the door.
"Well that was quite different than earlier," Maya noted the difference in her daughter's attitude compared to the past week. "Maybe... Maybe, she is okay now," she mumbled.
"Maybe she is," Carina agreed with her wife.
However, this was definitely not the case. Maddie found herself indulging in bad habits that would have drastic actions if she wasn't careful. The teenager certainly wasn't okay in the slightest and this was just the beginning of it all.
•
Another update,
I can admit that I got a bit carried away while writing this.
Let me know what you think!