blue
it's my twenty fourth birthday, i'm old as fuck.
i have no idea what i'm gonna spend it doing. i'll probably just get a little glam on and chill at home until billie comes over from work. she keeps teasing me that she's younger than me and that she's still twenty three which is so annoying. she's only ten days younger than me, she needs to get over it.
funny i feel like i am old but i haven't lived enough yet. it's weird, time. and i've actually come to the conclusion that i hate time, why did we have to invent time? it's just an illusion, another concept humans developed that i find no interest in believing with. i get that we have to know the time because we have to be at a certain place at a certain time and do stuff on our schedule to not fall behind or what not, but time can suck my dick.
today is my birthday, but i am not twenty four.
i went through the morning ticking off my imaginary bucket list i had in my head. then i realized i didn't eat at all, so i made my way to the kitchen where billie had left me a little note stuck with a magnet on the fridge. "happy birthday stupid, sorry i wasn't there when you woke up but i made you a smoothie bowl to hopefully makeup for it. - your bozo."
i smiled at the note and opened the fridge to find her smoothie bowl for me. i opened youtube and chose to watch one of claudia's vlogs, set up the phone to stand on the table and started eating. we all are ipad kids, don't even try to deny it.
i finished my breakfast, rinsed the bowl, left it in the sink for me to wash later and walked to the studio. i've been really at it lately with music, i started working on my first album after releasing three singles that did pretty well. all the credits are to me, i am producing and singing every single bit of every single song. i want it to be soly my work, and i don't care about people's opinions because i loved every single piece of work that i came up with and i will continue to love the rest that are to come.
i opened my monitor, popped up all my saved files, plugged in the headphones and did my thing. i don't know how long i've been staring at the screen, singing, repeating, producing, staring at the screen, singing blah blah blah. but when billie came up to me from behind it was already twelve pm.
"you look really pretty birthday girl." she cupped my cheek when i took off my headphones and stood infront of her. "how is your day so far?"
"amazing, i feel very productive and your smoothie bowl was really delicious." i answered. billie sweetly smiled and kissed my lips with the same stretch.
"what about you? did you get any new information about work? new calendar? interviews?" i asked.
"no, not really. we did have a meeting about me having to start working on a new album though. finneas and i have been working on a couple of songs already, so we do have a head start." billie shrugged. "when am i going to be allowed to hear your music?" she asked.
"when i'm fully done with the album, you're the first one that's going to hear it after me. does that sound like a good deal to you?" i asked.
"good enough." she mumbled. "i guess."
"brat." i pulled her into my hold and swayed side to side. i don't hug her unless i'm wearing layers of clothes, enough for her to not feel my skin and bones. i don't want to scare her, but now, it's the first time i've ever hugged her where she can feel my skin instantly hit my bones, no fat, nothing. just skin and bones. my boobs are gone the ass i barley had is gone. i changed. i know that, i'm fine with that.
billie didn't react any differently when she held me. she didn't squeeze me tighter than she normally would or looser than she normally would, thinking that if she held me tighter my bones would break, she squeezed just the right amount.
i was okay and she was okay.
i let out a sigh, couldn't make out if it was because of relief or comfort or both. i kissed her head and pulled away from the hug only to stare at her eyes, still holding her hands.
"what?" she smiled, blushing.
"you're so pretty, i'll never get over it." i shook my head like i didn't believe it. a literal angel is standing in front of me.
"shut up."
"make me." i smirked.
"okay."
-
cole ended up calling me to 'hang out' at dads house. i tried to sound oblivious of what was happening but we both knew that i knew that they planned a little get together party for my birthday.
as i suspected the minute i walked into the foyer to the living room, everyone shouted "surprise!" and i acted like i had no idea this was going down. i had no idea that my sister called me to hang out with her, with my girlfriend, at my dad's house and not her dorm or a coffee shop because my loved ones were planing a surprise for me. totally unexpected! i'm so surprised!
everyone came over to me to hug me and say happy birthday personally before we all gathered around a table where the birthday cake was. i stood there awkwardly while they sang for me and once they were done everyone yelled, "make a wish!"
i closed my eyes, tried to think of what i wanted to wish for but then i realized i knew exactly what it was. i wished for it blew the candles and opened my eyes. everyone clapped with big smiles on their faces, they were contagious, i know that because i had a smile on my face too.
i was handed a nife, to cut the first slice of cake for myself. i took the biggest chunk of cake and flopped it onto a paper plate, grabbed a fork and started eating it. while claudia took over distributing the remaining pieces of cake.
i licked my plate clean, that was the best cake i have ever tasted in my hole entire life. i left the living room and started walking to my old room where baby jules was sleeping on my bed. i gently sat next to where she was laying wearing a soft smile on my face.
she grew since the last time i've seen her, it's honestly so crazy how fast babies grow. i swear i was too scared to touch her yesterday and today i want to squish her up so bad. it doesn't make sense at all.
"hey." claudia walked into the room. i looked up at her and smiled then went back to staring at jules. "they're looking for you downstairs."
"i'll be down in a minute." i ran my thumb on the back of jules' tiny hand as she gripped onto my index finger.
"you're gonna be an amazing mom one day."
"yeah." my heart broke just a little. she knew i couldn't have children, i know she meant me being a mom with other ways that are not me being knocked up. but especially now it hurts just a little more than ever.
"claudia, can you promise me one thing?" i asked, trying not to tear up.
"yeah." she nodded.
"promise me you won't let jules forget who i am. and make sure billie is okay, okay?" my voice cracked.
"what do you mean? jules won't forget you." she shook her head her brows frowning. "what happened?" she asked.
"the medication isn't working, I'm stopping chemo, i'm dying. the doctors gave me an estimate of four to eight weeks to live." i put my hand on my mouth to stop me from making any sound that could wake the baby up.
"does billie know?" claudia asked, crying.
"no, i want to wait for her birthday to pass." i shook my head, my voice cracked. "you're the only one that knows."
claudia stood up, yanked me off the bed and hugged me so tight she could almost break my bones. i hugged her back just as tight. "i'm not ready to go." i cried.
i haven't had the chance to cry about this before, it's the first time that i did.
"i don't want to leave."
claudia hugged me while we both sobbed, she didn't say a word, because there were no words to comfort a dying person grieving themselves. she just hugged me to have that at least mean something to me. which it did, a hole lot.
jules' started crying and both claudia and i pulled away. claudia turned her attention to her daughter and i tried to fix my makeup with the products i had left here when i moved out. i took a couple deep breathes before heading back downstairs, to my friends and family.
"where were you?" ivy asked from the sofa as soon as she spotted me.
"just up with baby jules, she started crying so it was my time to dip." i chuckled.
"is she awake now?" ivy asked.
"she's eating." i answered.
"oh" she nodded and walked away while billie walked towards me.
"hey pretty, you okay?" she help both my hands.
"yeah." i nodded and put on a fake smile.
"you sure?"
"mhm." i nodded. "thank you for this little surprise, i'm having a good time."
"oh it was everyone that made this happen not just me, but i'm glad you're having fun cutie." she swayed my hands back and forth. "aww, baby jules is awake!" billie pouted, walked over to claudia and took the tiny human from her hands.
finneas came over to me, we stared talking about my music and i asked him for some tips i could use. claudia ended up standing beside him, hugging his arm. even though i was talking to finneas, i caught glimpses of her eyes and she looked exhausted, but i knew and i was the only one that knew that her eyes were red because she just found out one of the closes people to her is going to be gone in less than two months.
less than... two fucking months.