T/W:implied/mentioned: death, suicide, cursing, murder, arson, drinking
Sage: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely.
Xisuma , Leaf, & Grian : Okay.
Sage: If you don't want to die, give me all your money.
Xisuma : Bold of you to assume I have money.
Leaf: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die.
Grian : Bold of you to assume I can die.
###
EX: Adulting is hard.
EX: How do I quit?
Sage: Time travel.
Mumbo: Die.
###
Mumbo: Watcha doin?
Sage: Stealing my neighbour's cat.
Mumbo: Scandalous.
Mumbo: Can I help?
###
Mumbo: Seriously, Grian , how many people would you have killed if we'd asked you to?
Grian : That's not important
Mumbo: I DISAGREE.
###
Mumbo: If you got arrested what would be the charges?
Xisuma : Theft.
Leaf: Disturbing the peace.
Ash: Aggravated assault.
EX: Arson.
Grian : All of the above. In that order, probably.
###
Grian: Good morning.
Scar: Good morning.
Xisuma : Good morning.
Sage: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.
EX: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!
###
Scar: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?
Xisuma : Maybe a bit tipsy?
Mumbo: Drunk.
Leaf: Wasted.
Grian: Dead.
###
Grian : Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I'm torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.
Mumbo: Okay, but what is updog?
Scar: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.
Xisuma : Not, that's a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.
EX: No, that's an update. You're thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.
Ash: Surely, that's Uppsala, where's updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.
Grian : That's Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.
Xisuma : You're thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.
Scar: No, that's an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.
Mumbo: What's a henway??
Grian : Oh, about five pounds.
###
Grian : Dumbest scar stories, go!
Mumbo: I burned my tongue once drinking tea.
Scar: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it.
Xisuma : I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade.
EX: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad burn.
Leaf:
Leaf: I have emotional scars.
###
*The Derp Crew is over at Grian 's house*
Mumbo: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?
Grian : ... N-No...
Grian , laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???
Mumbo, motioning to their kitchen: Three, I thought!
Scar: I see a-
Grian , motioning to one device: This is a microwave.
Mumbo: Oh, well I-
Grian : Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*
Grian , amazed: Its got a bake setting!
Xisuma : Ohoho, you learn something new every day!
EX: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?
Grian : Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin!
Grian : I am someone who owns four ovens...
Grian , louder and way too happy: I am someone... who owns FOUR OVENS...
Grian : I didn't know I was so rich with ovens...
Ash, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!
Grian :
Mumbo: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!
Grian :
Grian , fucking ECSTATIC: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS
###3
*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*
Grian : So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Everyone:
Mumbo: ...I did. I broke it.
Grian : No. No you didn't. Scar?
Scar: Don't look at me. Look at Xisuma .
Xisuma : What?! I didn't break it.
Scar: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Xisuma : Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Scar: Suspicious.
Xisuma : No, it's not!
EX: If it matters, probably not, but Leaf was the last one to use it.
Leaf: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
EX: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Leaf: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, EX!
Mumbo: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Grian .
Grian : No! Who broke it!?
Everyone:
EX: Grian ... Scar's been awfully quiet.
Scar: rEALLY?!
*Everyone starts arguing*
Grian , being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.
Grian : I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
Grian :
Grian : Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
###4
Grian : Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?
Mumbo: Nope, absolutely not.
Scar: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.
Xisuma : I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.
EX: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.
Ash: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.
The kidnapper: I feel kinda bad for him now. Maybe- maybe we should just let him go?
###5
'Can I copy the homework?'
Xisuma: I can help you with it!
Mumbo: Yeah, sure.
Scar: Bold of you to assume I did the homework.
Grian: lol nope.
EX: Wait, we had homework?!?!?!
Ash: *Read 5:55pm*
###6
Grian : Rules are made to be broken.
Mumbo: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Scar: Uh, piñatas.
Xisuma : Glow sticks.
EX: Karate boards.
Ash: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Grian : Rules.
Mumbo:
###7
Grian : Time for plan G.
Mumbo: Don't you mean plan B?
Grian : No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
Scar: What about plan D?
Grian : Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
Xisuma : What about plan E?
Grian : I'm hoping not to use it. Leaf dies in plan E.
Ash: I like plan E.
###
*Derp Crew's reactions to being told 'I love you'*
Grian : Thanks fam!
Mumbo: oh no
Scar: *cries* I love you too
Xisuma : Sounds fake but okay
EX: *A flustered mess*
Ash: can i get a refund
###10
Grian : Hewwo.
Mumbo: Hihiiiiii!
Scar: Greetings, Humans.
EX: Three kinds of people.
Xisuma : I want pudding.
EX: Four kinds of people.
Ash: WHAT'S UP FUCKERS?
EX: Five kinds of people.
###11
Grian : Well, aren't you all a rag-tag group of adventurers with unclear goals and good hearts! Oh, let me guess: you're out to save the world!
Mumbo: Well, actually, that sounds like a pretty fair assessment.
Scar: More or less, I guess...
Xisuma : That sounds awesome! Let's do that!
EX: I'm new here, but I am open to the concept.
Leaf: I thought that's what we were doing, guys, come on!
###12
Grian : Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
Mumbo: >:O language
Scar: Yeah watch your fucking language
Xisuma : OKAY WHO TAUGHT SCAR THE FUCK WORD?
EX: 'The fuck word'.
Leaf: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Scar: Oh my god they censored it
EX: Say fuck, Leaf.
Scar: Do it, Leaf. Say fuck.
###13
Grian , walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here.
Mumbo: Hey.
Scar: Hi.
Xisuma : Hello.
EX: Hey!
Grian : I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!
Ash: We were out of Doritos.
Tartus, out of nowhere: Toritos. They're called Toritos.
###14
Grian : I CAN'T DO IT!
Mumbo, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!
Grian : I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE
Scar: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.
Grian :
Grian : I appreciate it,
Grian : BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-
Xisuma : Grian -
Grian : YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!
EX: Grian we gotta-
Grian : YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.
Grian : YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'
Grian , motioning to Ash, who is standing on top of the refrigerator wearing a scarf, boxing gloves, an 'I went on top of the fridge wearing random junk and all I got was this lousy t-shirt', shirt over an ugly Christmas sweater, a cat ear headband, the shell from a teenage mutant ninja turtles costume, a right flip-flop on his left foot and a left pink slipper on his right foot, upside down pants and a pair of underpants covered in hearts: NOT FUCKING THIS
1484 words. Here y'all go! Knock your self out!