"Cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart and—I've tried every remedy and nothing seems to work for me..."
♫ Damaged By Danity Kane.
✰ ✰ ✰
✧ One Week Later... ✧
"Where's my tootsie pop!? Ooo, I'll kill him!"
Huh?
"No good, skeevy son of a bitch--a pretty face is all he has and he won't have it much longer! Toots!"
"Koi?"
In the middle of a candy comatose nap in my bedroom with Niko and Naomi, I was awoken by a string of curses, yelling and banging on the staircase of my house that could only come from one person with a set of lungs like a newborn baby. The clank of glimmering jewelry, the smell of sweet perfume, and the face of an angel was all I heard, smelled and saw the second she burst through my door.
My bedroom door flew off the hinges as she appeared as glamorous as ever with bags full of gifts, food, and luggage, "Cherry-pie!"
I immediately broke out into tears, scrambling off of my mountain of tissues bed as fast as I could to get to her, "O'm-my god... you're h-here!"
"Awe babes... you bet your ass I am, come here," Her bags all fell to the floor with a hard thump and she embraced me tight, smoothing her soft hands down my hair, "I missed you so much. I'm so sorry I couldn't make it down for the funeral." She pulled back from the hug and held both sides of my face, "What the hell happened? You are not the sunshine and smiley Cherry I left in that hotel parking lot."
"It j-just g-got so bad and..." I inhaled several times, trying to talk, but it didn't work out, "and he told me he was l-leaving..." I started sobbing again; all of my words unintelligible.
Koi's face pretty round face turned to stone like she understood every fucking word. Like angry tweety bird.
"We're getting a gun. Say no more."
Laughter bubbled up through my cries as I hugged her one more time.
But, she gasped behind my back, "And what the hell is this?!" our hug was forgotten so she could grab a shoe of mine off of the floor and chuck it at Niko's head as he laid on my bed, cuddling with Naomi.
"Augh." Niko groaned in pain and lifted his head with shock, "K...Koi?" Naomi's waking up followed.
"We have the world's most delicate, heartbroken flower in the room and you two decide now is the time to rub your cuddles and flirting in her face!?" Koi wrapped an arm around my shoulder and rubbed it, "Look at her! She's a snot machine. She just got her heart crushed. Have some decency, you neanderthals."
"I do have decency, I was cuddling with Cherry when I fell asleep--why are you on me?" Naomi sat up on her elbows and gazed down at Niko with confusion herself.
"Uh... i-it was an acci--" Niko scrambled up, banging his toe on the edge of my bed. He winced and held his foot up, "Fuck. Accident. It was an accident."
"Accident my ass, you man-whore. Go make me a drink. Margarita if you can." Koi ordered, shooing him away before lowering herself to search through her bags.
"Oh, it's nice to see you too, babydoll."
Niko grabbed his sock from off the floor and hobbled from the room as best as he could before Koi got up and shut the door behind him.
"Good riddance. Cherry, sit. I have gifts."
I crawled onto the bed next to Naomi and grabbed a tissue from the box on my pillow, "Koi, I appreciate the sentiment but," I leaned against the headboard and pulled my knees up to my chest, "I don't need any gifts. Especially not from you, you've given me so much already. Just you being here is enough."
Koi frowned, setting a Juicy Couture bag down on my dresser before heading to the bed, "Man, he really did a number on you, didn't he?"
I nodded gently, toying with the tissue in my palm, "You guys were right, he..." It took everything in me not to cry as I said the words, "He tricked me. He made Valentine's Day plans with me and then left me to sleep with his ex-wife." My voice cracked but I swallowed it down, "It was like I didn't even matter to him anymore."
"Cherry... as much as I hate to say it," Koi mumbled with a sigh, snapping off her heels to throw them on the ground. She pursed her lips at me, "You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start getting pretty & pissed."
"Koi. She's sad." Naomi laughed slightly, gesturing toward me, "She's allowed to be sad."
"Yes she is! But, she can also be mad." Koi shifted her eye contact from Naomi to me, "He played you. He acted like a dick. And while I hate the way it sounds, he really doesn't deserve to make you cry. You are one of the hottest, smartest and most incredible women I've ever met. You blossomed! I watched it with my own eyes! That man was putty in your hands. He was basically your bitch. So, all I wanna know is, why're you beating yourself up?"
What she said held true. All I had done since our last conversation was make myself feel like a pile of horse shit. I went through our entire conversation in my head, ten times over, wondering if I said something I shouldn't have. Wondering if maybe I should've been more understanding to Harlow and his situation. But every way I spun it left me feeling only one way.
"I..." I began, "I just feel so stupid. He is to blame for a lot of things, but I couldn't even protect myself. I couldn't even listen to you guys, I was so lost in my own feelings. So determined to be this woman for him that didn't ask questions and was down for anything. I should've put up boundaries and listened to myself, rather than being so naive and giggly about a boy taking an interest in me."
"That doesn't mean what happened is your fault?" Koi smacked my knee in scolding, "Goodness, am I gonna have to start from scratch with you?"
I shrugged one shoulder, "Believe me, I'd love to get mad. I'd love to be all 'fuck him', but it's kinda hard when I still wanna fuck him." I enunciated, "I really liked him. More than I've ever liked anyone. He was the first person I'd ever felt such intense feelings for."
Koi took a deep breath, squaring her shoulders, "Okay. Then let me ask you something and be honest, okay? I'm down with anything."
I nodded.
"This weekend we can watch movies, we can cry, we can drink, we can get high, and we can feel all that you need to feel. We can be sad if you want to, babe, I'm 100% here for whatever you need," She nodded, giving me a sympathetic smile, "Or--we can get mad. We can drunk, we can smoke, we can talk shit, we can throw things... burn things, and we can go slut out on the town to find some boys or girls to flirt with. We can try to push forward, get revenge and do it in Chanel lipstick."
I couldn't hold back a smile.
"Now, it's up to you. Don't feel pressure to push past this if you really can't. But, I hate seeing you like this--especially when Harlow is probably a thousand miles away, fucking Cosette and doing just fine."
I winced at the thought, "You really think he's just fine?"
"Okay no, he's actually kinda upset," Koi admitted with a roll of her eyes, "I called him yesterday to cuss him out and he tried to ask about you in the most obvious and pathetic way possible. He was all," She put on a British accent that was shockingly accurate, "'When are you visiting Chicago? Will you see everyone when you're there?' As if I didn't know he was including you in the topic. He's totally heartbroken and trying to play it cool."
"Weirdly enough, thinking of him in pain... makes me feel better." I sucked up some snot and laughed.
I hoped he was sobbing like a bitch baby. His eyes all puffy and ugly like they got.
"As it should. He deserves a swift kick in the balls." Naomi spat.
"I'd book a flight up New York just to punch him in his stupid mouth." I grumbled.
"See, that's the spirit I'm looking for! Get angry! Be a bitch! Lord knows, you've already held back on that for too long."
"You know what, maybe you're right." I sat up a little farther, "I've had my sad time. I've been in this bed for over a week. I've spent a hundred dollars on tissues and I will--" I grabbed the box and chucked it across the room to motivate myself, "I will spend no more! He doesn't deserve it. Or me. He begged me for everything, he was a loser, and..." I felt anger lodge its' way into my throat, "If he wants to speak to me or even so much as look at me again, he'll have beg for that too."
"Woohoo." Koi cheered.
"So... is that the plan, then?" Naomi asked, "Do you wanna be with him still? Would you take him back if he apologized?"
Naomi, always the rational one.
I felt the weight of her question hit my shoulders, but it was too much pressure and too much to think about. I was on a roll, so I shrugged it right off and let it hit the pile behind me, "I don't know. But, if I decide I do, it's most definitely not gonna be easy for him. And I..." I scooted off the bed, "Am gonna fuck someone else too. Lord knows I could use some di--"
Niko chose that moment to walk into the room with Koi's margarita.
He stopped halfway in, "Some what? Am I interrupting something? 'Cause I feel like I'm interrupting something-"
"We were just talking about getting laid." I shrugged with a semi-content smile and took the margarita from him, "You wouldn't know any hot guys that aren't your best friend, would you?"
"Depends. Who's getting laid?" Niko asked.
"All of us." Naomi shrugged.
Niko swallowed and scratched the back of his head gently, "Like t--" He almost choked at the idea, "Like together, or..."
"You're imagining a foursome right now aren't you?"
"Trying really hard not to." Niko deadpanned.
"In your dreams." Koi said.
"Yes, most definitely." Niko pressed on, laughing nervously, "You're all insanely attractive. It's like--uncomfortable." He scratched his neck like a drug addict.
"Awe... do we turn you on, baby? Are you getting hard for us?..." Naomi crawled forward sensually on the bed, so very obviously teasing him but only in a way that us girls would notice. It made me laugh to see Niko stiffen us so tightly, watching as she came up behind Koi to lick her neck.
I held the rim of the glass up to my lips and played along, eyeing him up as if I was really considering it.
"Oh, Naomi," Koi moaned playfully, "Your tongue feels so good--"
"NO! Nope, nope, nope, I'm just gonna--" Niko turned to leave and bumped right into my desk, knocking several things over and struggling to pick them back up. He ended up leaving half the things on the ground and sprinting out with his dignity still in tact.
"More margaritas please!" Naomi called after him.
"You are gonna make that boy work for it, aren't you?" I asked her.
"More than you know." She answered, getting up from the bed and linking arms with Koi, "Now, let's see what KK brought for you to wear so we can pimp you out like the whore you've always wanted to be."
"Let's get you back to bitchin', toots. Strip, I'll grab the dollar bills."
And that was exactly what I did.
That entire weekend was spent with my girls exactly the way I imagined it.
We went out to several different clubs several different nights and I used up the entire time drinking, smoking, talking shit, flirting with boys I didn't know or didn't care to and--no longer feeling sorry for myself. Or trying not to anyway.
It took a while (a few drinks) for me to feel comfortable in my own skin again, but eventually, I got somewhat kicked back on track and let Harlow and his cruel words drift from my mind.
Even if only for a few minutes or hours at a time.
There were mostly baby steps that girls' weekend but they were all steps according to Koi. She was more than supportive.
After that, I just began to focus on the people in my life that I cared about the most like Niko, Ollie, Naomi, Koi, Kristen and Mikey.
I let myself feel the hurt and the joys of not having Harlow's confining and somewhat manipulating relationship restrictions on me.
I still liked him and there was a good chance it wasn't gonna go away for a while, that--I wasn't naive about, but Niko assured me I had nothing but time and he was completely right.
There were some days I'd remember something Harlow said to me and go right back to bed, wallowing in my own self pity by using up a box of Kleenex.
But there were also some days I'd be able to push through and those were the days I looked forward to the most.
After the weekend trip with Koi, she headed back to New York for work and I had a few nice days hanging out with Ollie.
I took him to the museum, to the park, and the zoo, all the while not focusing on anything except moving upward and onward. And on the last day we spent together, Harlow surprisingly didn't appear in my mind at all.
I was too busy trying to wrangle in my eight year old brother since he had a hard time sitting still in public places, but still--it felt damn good.
So good in fact, that I decided to repair some parts of my life.
I got my job back at Groovy-Road Record-shop the following week after pleading with Peter and apologizing for abandoning him and my responsibilities with a basket of home-baked muffins.
He folded like a deck of cards once he smelled the banana and cinnamon, and boy, was I grateful.
I was back to stocking shelves with Jonas Brothers CDs and kicking stealing twelve year olds' out of the store in no time.
Arthur was a joy to see again.
He hadn't changed a bit. Still as sweet and awkward. Still as in denial about his sexuality. He gawked at Niko every time he came to visit, which in those days was rare, but appreciated.
Jess, on the other hand avoided me like the plague, still salty about me ditching him for my dead mom. He started dating Hannah instead, to my shock. The first time I saw them together, they were coming out a movie theater, lips swollen and red. Yet, I didn't feel anything except bad for Hannah.
Motherfucker couldn't find the clit to save his life. She was never having an orgasm again.
A bullet completely dodged, if you asked me. He was starting to creep me out anyway.
Outside of work I devoted my time to things like partying on the weekends, gardening, masturbating excessively with my plethora of freshly ordered sex toys, singing, playing on my brand new piano and writing in my journal.
I dropped out of school and paid off my financial debt as well, deciding I was tired of living out my moms' wish of me becoming a lawyer or a real estate agent like her.
It was a terrifying step to make, but it felt right and my uncle supported me, sending me a joking bouquet of 'happy graduation' flowers.
By the end of April, I'd made so many new and scary decisions, but it built up my confidence like no other.
I was hot, I had a good job, I was happier, I was financially stable or filthy rich according to Koi. I was fucking killing it. There was more to life than romance, and I hated that it took me so long to realize that just because Harlow introduced me to the world of parties, sex and not giving a fuck, didn't mean I had to leave when he did.
I had no choice but to just... live.
My friends loved me (almost too much) and my brother needed me. That, to me, was reason enough to feel pretty alright.
The only decision left was the only one I put off. The biggest one.
"What the fuck am I supposed to do?"
Sitting at my kitchen table with Koi who was visiting again, Naomi, Mikey and Kristen, I put down my drink and tossed my hand up in begging for suggestions for a lifelong career.
Heartbreak had been the biggest motivator in the world and yet, it hadn't motivated me to figure out a fucking profession.
"You could be a... carpenter?" Koi shrugged.
"You could make sex toys." Kristen suggested teasingly, "Lord knows you'd know what sells, you whore."
"A girl accidentally orders a deluxe package of a hundred sex toys online one time and is suddenly a deviant!" I laughed, flipping her off and popping a piece of popcorn into my mouth.
"How do you accidentally order a hundred sex toys?" Mikey piped up.
I put a hand up, "Men are to be see and not heard."
"Okay--how about..." Naomi pondered for a moment, tapping her nails on the table, "Well, you're good at everything, come on. You could be a florist. You could be an artist."
"Naomi you saw me drawing with Ollie just last week. The kid can draw a straight line better than me. I'm awful!"
"Artist is a term for anything involving the arts, silly. It means anything you consider art. You could paint or you could sing, write poems, or play piano like you've been doing pretty much every day for the past month since you got that hunk'a wood." Koi said, filing her nails lightly but pausing to point behind her at the piano in my living room.
"Me? Do music? That's..." I winced at the thought.
"You can sing though. Like, we were all shocked when we heard you in New York. You've got some pipes on you, girl." Kristen encouraged, "I could totally see you coming up with a fun song and having it blow up on YouTube. You've got the look for stardom too." She winked.
"Music is fun but..." I blew out a breath, "It seems so stressful. I mean, look at Bloody Valentine. You guys haven't performed in a long time."
"Being in a band isn't all about performing. How do you think we get the songs in the first place?" Mikey laughed out, "We're writing right now. Plus, we're performing soon. We just took a short break for Harlow. He said he needed time to spend on the investigation for Bells."
"How's that going?" Naomi changed course, "I haven't heard from them in weeks."
"They've had no luck since the police caught that Cole guy. It's been a month and a half of radio silence. Harlow uh... he's not doing good." Mikey said with a tight lip, "He and Cosette are fighting all the time apparently and... when Niko went up to visit, he wouldn't come out of his room. He's depressed, I think."
"What did he expect when going back to that crazy bitch?"
Koi was still holding a little bit of a grudge.
So was I, but I was dealing with it once every other week as a volunteer at Ollie's karate lessons. Picturing him and his skank wifes' face on a punching bag was all the stress relief I needed!
"They were on a roll for a while there. Harlow may be dumb but I would've gotten my hopes up too." Naomi said, her eyes falling back on me like she just remembered I was there, "Shit. Sorry Cherry. We shouldn't talk-"
"I'm fine?" I audibly laughed, "Harlow was a part of your guys' life long before I showed up. He's Mikey's family. You guys may be my friends but hating him isn't what I want from any of you. I mean it."
It was true. They couldn't act as if he didn't exist.
That would've been a perfect world, however... extremely unrealistic.
Besides, it sounded like he needed support way more than I needed them to hold him accountable and be on my side about some petty breakup.
I, for one, was doing pretty fantastic.
Okay, bitchy brag, he has a missing kid. Relax brain.
"Anyway..." I continued before they could pro-long Harlow talk, "You guys really think I could make something good? I write sometimes and it's more of a diary thing than a songwriting thing but its' all the same, right?"
"Pretty much." Naomi snorted, "I could help. Koi too. We were both in a band and have experience. She could come up with a few licks if you wanted a bassist on the song. Plus, she's a good writer too."
"That sounds like so much fun! I haven't gotten to do band shit since I quit Ice. Finding gigs as a set musician is exhausting. Most of the money I make in New York these days is playing for hipsters at jazz clubs in Syracuse." Koi complained, "There's no pop. No funk. No dazzle. No sparkle. No rock."
"Awe, what's Koi without her sparkle?" Mikey pouted.
"I'm a bitch, that's what." She sighed, turning to look at me, "I'd be honored to help you make somethin' toots! Even if it's just for fun."
"Kristen played the drums for like five years, she could help." Mikey spoke up for his girl, making her widen her eyes and cover her face.
"No way!" I chucked a piece of popcorn at her head for not mentioning that to me, ever, "Ok, so you're in too."
"Thanks a lot, babe." Kristen glared at Mikey teasingly.
"I'll stop budding in when you learn to speak up for yourself and quit being so shy." Mikey argued, giving us all a look, "She's amazing. I wanted her to replace Harlow in MBV but she was too proud. You guys can use her all you want."
"Okay, you know what then, i'm in. I'm totally in." I sat up and high-fived her and Koi, "We're gonna make something kick-ass and get rich."
"I'm all for that." Naomi joined in, high-five's flying all around.
"This is sounding a lot just like a... band." Mikey cut the laughter like a record scratching. He pointed to me, "Singer," then to Koi, "Bassist," then to Naomi, "Guitarist," and then to Kristen, "Drummer. It's like the most perfect puzzle I've ever seen--literally right in front of you."
We all looked at each other in silence.
Until Koi screamed, "Ahhh! Girl band, girl band, girl band!"
"Okay, settle down!" I cackled, pulling her to sit back in her seat.
"Oh my god, think of the music videos, think of the concerts, think of the color coordinated wigs, we'll be the next Danity Kane!" Koi started rambling how she always did, her mouth running a hundred miles faster than her mouth.
"Don't mind her, this has just been her every waking thought since we were fifteen." Naomi whispered to us.
"Thought? More like dream! Ugh, and a dream come true no less! Girls, I need your measurements now, I'm making us all dresses."
Oh, Koi.
She was lucky I loved her.
***