"Dustin's dragging me to a book signing this weekend - the price I gotta pay for dating a total fucking nerd apparently."
Harvey snorted, "You met him at the library - what did you expect?"
"I don't know." Hamish groaned, "I really don't."
Harvey slouched back into the sofa, holding the phone close to his ear, "Look, I was calling to... I just wanted to..." He glanced over his shoulder, to check that everybody was tucked away in their respective bedrooms. He was in Declan and Evan's apartment, enveloped in a blanket that smelt like Evan's cologne. It was almost two AM.
He could have gone home after the movie he and Evan were watching finished. He should've. It was only a short walk.
But Evan had told him he could sleep on the sofa if he wanted to, and the truth was, Harvey didn't want to leave.
So, Evan went to bed, and Harvey called his brother, because his mind was racing, and he was still a few hours away from sleep.
"Are you okay?" Harvey blurted out, his eyes sinking shut, regret instantly swelling in his chest.
"Yeah, m'fine." Hamish replied bluntly, an edge to his voice.
"I'm sorry I haven't been around much recently." Harvey said, staring ahead at the lifeless TV screen, reflecting his own face through the shadows, "I've just been...y'know, busy..."
"You have your own life, Harvey." Hamish told him firmly, "You've got your job, and your friends, and you just took a bloody trip to Italy, so don't... You can't feel guilty for not hanging out with your brother. I won't let you."
Harvey smiled, fiddling with the hem of the blanket that was draped over his lap, "Yeah, okay." He relented, because he knew how much his brother hated people feeling sorry for him.
"What's new with you then?" Hamish asked, "Tell me everything."
"Don't you have work in the morning?" Harvey asked, "I don't wanna keep you up-"
"Trust me, you're not." Hamish promised, "I'd be awake either way, so you might as well-"
"What about Dustin?"
"Passed out hours ago." He said, a hint of amusement in his voice, "Now, bloody tell me about your life, Harvey. I'm bored."
"Okay, okay." Harvey sighed dramatically, "There's not too much to tell if I'm honest." He admitted, "Seb's seeing someone; some bitchy guy with far too much attitude."
Hamish scoffed, "What a glowing report."
"Nah, I actually like him, believe it or not." Harvey murmured, "He's good for Seb. He's good for me, too, I think." He confessed; Declan would always get on his nerves, but Harvey would always get on Declan's in return, and he liked the exchange they shared. "He's got this friend - Evan - and he's... Well, he's really nice. Proper sweet."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." Harvey sighed, "I think I..." He chewed on his lower lip anxiously, "Recently, I've started feeling really weird around him, like..." He shook his head, because he couldn't describe the tightness in his chest he always experienced whenever Evan was around.
"Like what?"
"Do you think it's possible to go twenty years without really...knowing yourself?" Harvey asked, "What if I don't...? What if there's something really big and important that I...just sort of...missed?"
"Are you trying to tell me you're gay?"
"What? No." Harvey snapped back, "I don't... That's not what I..." He groaned miserably, "I've never really been into people. Like...I was into sex, but not...not romance." He rambled, "Does that make sense?"
"Sure." Hamish replied, "It's called being aromantic."
"A-what?"
"If you're not into dating, then-"
"No, but I am." Harvey grumbled, "I mean, I...I wasn't, but now I...I think maybe I...do want to date." He said shakily, "But not just like random people I meet online. I only want to date-" He cut himself off, because he refused to admit that to anyone, not even to Hamish, and not even to himself.
"Well, that has a name, too." Hamish said coolly, "Demisexual."
"God, will you stop trying to shove labels in my face?" Harvey groaned, "You're stressing me out."
Hamish sighed, "Alright, well, if you like this guy, labels don't matter anyway. Just ask him out, Harvey. Or at least fuck him."
"He'll never let me." Harvey mumbled, "He says he's celibate."
"He religious?"
"No, just..." Harvey scratched the back of his neck, "He just doesn't like sex anymore." Harvey wasn't sure that that was true - Evan didn't dislike sex, he was scared of it.
But Harvey didn't want anything from Evan. He just wanted to be near him, all the time. He felt dizzy when he thought about him, and jealous when he thought about Calvin. He had never felt that way about anyone. People had never meant more to him than sex, or if he was lucky, friendship.
"Harvey." Hamish murmured, "Don't... Just don't stress over it, alright?"
"How did I not know?" Harvey asked weakly, "That I was...?"
"What did I just say?"
"Right. Okay." Harvey pulled the blanket tight around his body, "I'm not stressing. I'm just...I'm just thinking."
"Alright, well, I'll leave you to do that in peace." Hamish yawned into the phone, "I gotta get up early tomorrow - I wanna make Dustin breakfast before work."
"That's disgustingly romantic."
"Yeah, well, he's been working too many hours recently, so I wanna make sure he-" He cut himself off abruptly, "Hey, fuck you, I don't have to explain myself to you."
Harvey laughed, "Night, Hamish."
"Yeah, night." Hamish sighed, "Twat."
Harvey hung up, and stared down at his blank phone screen.
When he was eleven, he witnessed something he shouldn't have; his older brother, Hamish, kissing his best friend.
Hamish's best friend was a boy.
Harvey, being eleven, and stupid, ran straight to his sister's room, giggling hysterically. She grunted in annoyance, and demanded he tell her what was so funny. He did, and the look of horror that flared up in her eyes instantly silenced Harvey's laughter. She made him promise to never speak a word of it again, and so, he never did.
Hamish's best friend spent a lot of time at their house in the months to follow. He ate dinner with them, and slept over on the weekends, and played video games with Harvey's older siblings. He was better at making Hamish smile than anyone else.
When their sister died, Hamish stopped eating, and started locking himself in his room. His best friend stopped coming over - not for a lack of trying, but because Hamish repeatedly told him not to. The xbox grew dusty, and the house grew silent.
Harvey started noticing cuts on Hamish's wrists.
One day, Harvey's parents told him that Hamish would be going away for a while.
When Hamish got out of hospital two months later, he didn't talk for a week.
Then, one day, he knocked on Harvey's bedroom door, and asked to come in. He sat down on Harvey's bed, pulled one of Harvey's stuffed toys into his lap, and asked Harvey to tell him about his day. Harvey spent an hour rambling about school, and football, and homework. Hamish listened.
It quickly became a habit.
Everyday, they would sit on Harvey's bed, sometimes talking, and sometimes not. Hamish would braid Harvey's hair, or help him with his schoolwork, or play with a box of lego pieces Harvey hadn't touched in years.
Hamish refused to talk to anyone but Harvey.
One day, Harvey asked Hamish what happened to his best friend.
Hamish smiled sadly, and told Harvey that his best friend had gotten a new boyfriend. That was when Harvey realised that they were never best friends; they were in love.
It was also when he realised that boys could love other boys.
It took years for Hamish to get better, to learn how to live in a world without his sister.
He eventually started dating Dustin, who worked at the local library. He starting buying Dustin plants, and chocolate, and postcards. In return, Dustin gave him books, and even though Hamish hated reading, he finished each and every one of them.
They moved in together, and Hamish painted the walls of their new apartment blue, just like the ones in his sister's old bedroom.
Hamish's covered the scars on his wrist with a tattoo of his sister's name.
Harvey could hardly bear to look at it.
Harvey pulled his legs to his chest, and stared out at the empty living room, draped in shadows.
The silence was pierced by a muffled scream, and Harvey jolted immediately, his head whipping around in search of the source of the noise.
It came from Evan's bedroom.
He fumbled off of the sofa, and stumbled towards Evan's room, "Evan!" He called, banging on the door erratically, "Evan, I'm coming in." He shoved the door open, and flicked on the light, drowning the room in an orange glow.
Evan was still asleep, murmuring incoherently, and thrashing around on his bed, the sheets tangled around his legs. His cheeks were streaked with tears, and his lower lip was smeared in blood.
Harvey didn't want to touch Evan. He didn't want to scare him. But he knew that he needed to save Evan from whatever nightmare he was having, and the only way to do that was to shake him awake. "I'm sorry, Evan." He murmured guilty, before reaching out, and yanking on Evan's arm.
Evan instinctively snatched his arm away, shuffling to the end of the bed, his eyes wide, and pupils dilated in fear. He was breathing heavily, his cheeks flushed and damp with tears, a dribble of blood running down his chin that Harvey desperately wanted to wipe away.
"Hey, hey, hey-" Harvey held his arms up in surrender, letting Evan know that he wasn't a threat, "It's just me. It's just me, Evan. It's okay. You're okay."
Evan's chest was rising and falling rapidly with each shallow breath he took, "W-Where-?" He choked out, "Where are we?"
"We're in your bedroom." Harvey replied calmly, "Declan and Seb are across the hall."
Evan's eyebrows furrowed, "A-And where-?" He looked down at his hands, which were trembling, "Where is he?"
"Who?" Harvey asked, before realisation quickly seized him, "He's in prison."
Evan shook his head defiantly, "N-No." He rasped, "No, he was...h-he was here, he was-"
"You had a bad dream." Harvey murmured softy, "It's okay, it's over now." He soothed, "You're okay. You're safe."
Evan gulped, "S-Sorry." He whispered, "I-I get really confused sometimes, I-I don't..." He brushed away his tears frustratedly, "I'm sorry."
"Hey, no, it's alright." Harvey promised, his gaze falling down to Evan's mouth, which was dripping with blood, "Is your lip okay?"
Evan touched his lip, then stared down at the blood coating his fingertips, "Fuck." He muttered, sweeping his tongue over his lower lip, "I-I bite it sometimes, when I'm asleep."
"Must've bitten it pretty hard." Harvey muttered.
Evan rubbed his chin with his knuckle, rubbing off some of the blood, "Shit." He groaned, "Yeah."
"Are you okay?" Harvey asked cautiously, and he didn't know whether he was worried about Evan's lip, or his tear-filled eyes, or the dream that had left him screaming.
Evan shrugged helplessly, sliding off of his bed, and reaching for the door. He hesitated, his hand wrapped around the doorknob, turning to face Harvey, "I-I'll probably be up for a while." He said softly, "If you're tired, you can sleep in my bed. I-I don't wanna keep you awake."
"Where are you going?" Harvey frowned.
"To make some tea." Evan replied, scratching the back of his neck.
"Can I join you?"
Evan's lips twitched at the corners, "If you want."
Harvey followed Evan into the kitchen, and watched him flick the kettle on, before rummaging around in the cupboard for a couple of teabags. His eyes were tinged red, and shadowed by dark circles. His hands were shaking when he pulled two mugs down from the shelf.
Harvey took them out of his hands wordlessly, "I'll do it." He murmured, "Go sit down."
Evan rose his brows, "You ordering me around in my own flat?"
"No, I..." Harvey sighed, "Will you just let me do it? Please?"
Evan didn't object; he just leant back against the countertop, and watched as Harvey finished making their tea. "M'sorry for waking you up." Evan muttered quietly, breaking the silence that surrounded them.
"You didn't." Harvey responded, "I was already awake."
"You were?"
Harvey shrugged, "I was talking to my brother."
"Which one?"
Harvey smiled. He had told Evan all about his brothers. Evan knew each of names, ages, jobs, and relationship statuses. "Hamish." Harvey answered.
Evan nodded in acknowledgement, "What were you talking to him about?"
"Not a lot."
"Sounds like a boring phone call."
"It was."
Evan smiled in amusement, "I wish I had a sibling."
"Nah, you don't." Harvey waved him off dismissively, "They're a pain in the arse most of the time." He handed Evan his drink, and Evan took it carefully, trying not to spill it, despite how much his hands were trembling.
"Thanks." He muttered under his breath, "I'm seeing Calvin tomorrow." He announced abruptly, "I'm gonna tell him I..." He hesitated, "I'm gonna tell him I can't see him anymore."
Harvey felt a rush of sympathy for both Evan and Calvin. They both deserved the chance to be happy together, but Evan' ex had taken that from them. "Are you nervous?"
Evan nodded, "Yeah, I...I'm really freaking out about it, actually."
"It'll be okay." Harvey comforted weakly; there was nothing else he could say - nothing would change the fact that Evan simply wasn't ready for a relationship.
Evan tilted his head to the side, curiosity swimming in his sparkling blue eyes, "How come you're not seeing anyone?"
"What?" Harvey blurted out, taken aback by the question.
"You're a good looking guy." Evan said matter-of-factly.
"Well, I just..." Harvey shrugged, "I don't know. My brother said I'm...dem-something?"
"Demisexual?" Evan supplied.
"So, it's a real thing?"
"I think so." Evan pondered thoughtfully, "I mean, I...I assume so. Is that how you feel?"
Harvey sighed, feeling incredibly out of his depth, "I don't mind having sex with strangers." He challenged, "But when it comes to relationships, I don't think I could just jump right into one with someone I didn't..." He was so helplessly confused, "I think I would need to get to know them first, as a friend, before I could even begin to see them in a romantic light. Is that... I mean, isn't that how everyone feels?"
"No." Evan replied, "Some people could go on dates with strangers, and immediately start relationships with them. But you...you couldn't do that, could you?"
Harvey shook his head, "I don't think so."
Evan smiled, "Well, if you can only date people you're already friends with, you might be waiting a while. All your friends are guys."
Harvey stared down at his tea, "Well, that wouldn't... I don't think that would really matter much."
Evan was silent for a beat, and Harvey refused to look at him, "It wouldn't matter if they...weren't a woman?" Evan asked tentatively.
Harvey shrugged, "I don't know." And he didn't; he was so lost, and confused, and frustrated.
"Oh." Evan breathed out.
Harvey's eyes snapped up to meet Evan's, and panic squeezed his heart, "You can't tell Seb." He blurted out, "Or Declan, either, because he could tell Seb, and then-"
"I won't." Evan cut him off, "I wouldn't."
"I'm not ashamed." Harvey said firmly, "I'm just...confused, and I..." He tugged at his braids irritatedly, "I don't want Seb to think I'm keeping secrets from him, because I'm not. If I had known sooner, I would've told him, but I just...I didn't. I didn't know." He rambled, "Fuck." He hissed, "How did I not know?"
"Harvey." Evan said gently, "Harvey, hey-"
"I'm really fucking stupid, aren't I?"
Evan cracked a smile, "Do you want me to answer that honestly?"
"God, no." Harvey snorted.
Evan laughed, and Harvey desperately wanted him to do it again; Evan's laugh was so beautiful. He wanted to bottle it up, and keep it in his pocket; a warmth that never cooled.
"I told my brother about you." Harvey murmured, not quite catching Evan's eye.
"Good things, I hope."
Harvey nodded, "I don't have a single bad thing to say about you, Evan." He sounded so earnest, he winced at his own vulnerability.
Evan snorted, shaking his head in disbelief, "I could tell you a million bad things about myself." He said, "Where should I start? Oh, I like pineapple on pizza-"
"That is an abomination-"
"I drink milk straight from the carton-"
"That's not too bad-"
"I drink Dec's milk straight from the carton." He corrected, "And I don't tell him."
Harvey huffed out a laugh, "And, yet, you wouldn't lick my ice cream?" He rose his brows questioningly.
"There's some lines I will not cross, Harvey."
Harvey rolled his eyes, "God, I love you."
Evan stared back at him, a smile playing at the corners of his lips, "I love you, too, Harvey."
It didn't mean anything.
It also meant everything.