When the plane took off, Declan instinctively reached out to grab Sebastian's hand, holding it tight, afraid that if he let go, he would fall right back down to the ground below, which was rapidly growing further away as the plane soared into the sky.
Sebastian squeezed back, just like he had last time.
Declan spared a tentative glance out the window, then immediately regretted it when he realised that they were flying above the clouds, too high to see the world below, "Fuck." He muttered, turning to face Sebastian, "Fuck, I hate planes. I fucking hate planes. We should've driven home instead."
"From Italy?" Sebastian asked cautiously.
"Sure." Declan shrugged, "That would only take - what - a day?"
The corners of Sebastian's lips curled into a smile, "Yeah, okay." He agreed, his thumb brushing over Declan's knuckles, "Next time, we'll drive."
"Good. That's good." Declan rambled, desperate to distract himself, to avoid looking out the window.
"Neither of us have a car." Sebastian pointed out, "So, that might be an issue."
"What about a train?"
"If you want."
Declan clenched his jaw, "I hate this, Seb." He breathed out shakily, "I hate flying."
"I know." Sebastian murmured softly, "I know, darling, I'm sorry. The plane ride is only a couple of hours-"
"That's too long-"
"You managed it last time-"
"Barely."
"But you did." Sebastian reminded him.
Declan was itching to touch his ring, to fiddle with it, to twist it around his finger, like he always did when he was nervous, but he refused to let go of Sebastian's hand. "Can you distract me?" He pleaded helplessly.
Sebastian nodded, "What was your favourite part of the trip?"
"All of it." Declan blurted out.
"Even Harvey?" Sebastian teased.
"Even Harvey."
"He's growing on you, huh?"
"I never disliked him." Declan confessed, "I just..." He leaned closer into Sebastian's side, searching for comfort, knowing that nothing bad could possibly happen when Sebastian was next to him, "He's a very easy target."
"I'll give you that."
"What was your favourite part?" Declan asked.
Sebastian smiled at him, reaching over the armrest to brush his fingertips across Declan's cheekbones, "My favourite part?" He sighed in content, "Your freckles."
Declan groaned in embarrassment, "Don't."
"They're adorable."
"I don't like them."
"I love them." Sebastian said, his voice catching on the word 'love', as though it hurt him to say out loud. "You get so many in the sun." He continued, his fingertips still tracing Declan's freckles, mesmerised by them, as though he was studying a galaxy of stars scattered across Declan's face, "I would kiss each one if I could - if we weren't in public."
Declan gulped, feeling his cheeks heat up, "Is this you distracting me?"
"Is it working?"
"A little too well."
Sebastian grinned, leaning forward to peck Declan on the tip of his nose, "You got plans later?"
"If I don't die in a plane crash? No."
Sebastian rolled his eyes, "You're not gonna-"
"You don't know that-"
"Dec." Sebastian dropped his hands from Declan's face, "Nothing bad is going to happen."
Declan continued squeezing Sebastian's hand, perhaps a little too tightly, though Sebastian didn't complain, "What did you have in mind?" He asked, "For tonight?"
"I could cook us dinner." Sebastian suggested, "Evan sent me a few new recipes-"
"I don't want to go to your flat."
Sebastian raised his brows, "Wow, okay, uh-"
"No, not..." Declan sighed, "Not because..." He glanced over his shoulder. Evan was sitting a few rows back, chatting animatedly to Harvey, who was watching him with a look of tentative admiration in his eyes. "I don't want to leave Evan alone tonight." Declan said plainly.
"Oh." Sebastian breathed out, "Okay. That's fine. I can come to yours."
"Is that okay?"
"Yeah, 'course, darling."
Declan didn't let go of Sebastian's hand for the rest of the flight, and when they landed, he held on even tighter.
The taxi ride home was quiet. While Sebastian sat up front with the driver, Evan napped on Declan's shoulder, and Harvey squeezed himself up close to the door, so he didn't accidentally touch Evan. Declan found it surprisingly sweet.
"I'll come by later, yeah?" Sebastian asked Declan, leaning over the headrest to face him, as the car pulled up outside Sebastian and Harvey's apartment block.
"You don't wanna come over now?" Declan frowned.
"I can't." Sebastian replied apologetically, "There's something I've gotta do first."
Declan fought back the urge to ask Sebastian to elaborate. He didn't need to know everything Sebastian did - no matter how much he wanted Sebastian to tell him. "Okay." Declan said softly, wondering whether he was supposed to ask Sebastian for more information, whether that's what Sebastian had expected him to do. He didn't know. He didn't know how to date, and he didn't know how be good at it.
Harvey unbuckled his seatbelt, and turned to face Declan and Evan, "I'll see you guys soon." He smiled, his attention falling to Evan, and Evan alone, "I had a really good time. Thank you - for everything."
Evan - much to Declan's surprise - latched onto Harvey's hand, "Will you come over later, too?" He asked tiredly, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
Harvey stared down at the point of contact between them, "Uh..." He cleared his throat, fixing on a bashful smile, "Yeah, 'course, that... I would...I'd love to." He said, sounding unreasonably flustered.
Evan pulled his hand away, smiling at him brightly, "Okay." He breathed out, "I'll see you later."
"Goodbye, Evan." Harvey pushed the door open, and stepped out of the car, "Bye, Declan." He added quickly, almost as an afterthought.
As they drove the rest of the way to their own apartment block, Declan turned to face Evan, "Do you really think Harvey is straight?"
Evan frowned, "Yeah." He replied, "I think we'd know if he wasn't."
Declan slouched back in his seat, and ran a hand through his hair, "Yeah, you're right." He smiled in amusement, "We'd know."
After lugging their suitcases upstairs, Evan started unpacking, while Declan collapsed onto the sofa, and promptly fell asleep.
When he woke up, it was dark outside.
He showered, changed, and contemplated unpacking, then decided that he didn't have enough energy.
When Sebastian and Harvey arrived, Evan immediately dragged Harvey off to his bedroom, rambling excitedly about a new vinyl he wanted to show Harvey, who followed Evan without a moment of hesitation, a fond smile playing on his lips.
Sebastian watched them go, before ruffling Declan's hair, and kissing him on the cheek, "I made lasagne." He said, holding up a glass dish, covered with foil, "It just needs forty minutes in the oven-"
"Where were you?" Declan blurted out, unable to help himself, "Earlier, you...you said there was something you had to do."
Sebastian stared down at him blankly, "You wanna know what I was doing?" He asked, his brows furrowing, "You could have just asked me earlier."
"I know." Declan twisted his ring around his finger distractedly, "I didn't...I didn't wanna seem overbearing-"
"Overbearing?" Sebastian cracked a smile.
"I just didn't wanna seem..." Declan hesitated, taking a deep breath, "You're still entitled to privacy, and secrets, and..." He shrugged, "You don't have to tell me everything just because we're...like...together now, or...or whatever."
"Or whatever?" Sebastian asked cautiously, setting the lasagne down, and sinking his hands into his pockets.
"I don't know." Declan murmured, his cheeks glowing red.
"I don't have secrets." Sebastian said, "Not with you."
Declan felt too ashamed to look at him.
"Do you?" Sebastian pressed gently, "Have secrets?"
Declan shook his head, "No." He said, and he didn't know whether he was telling the truth. The guilt that clawed at his chest suggested that he wasn't.
"I was visiting Alex's grave." Sebastian said, "I try and go a couple of times a week, but since we've been away, it's been a little longer than I would've liked." He confessed, "So, I went. I stayed for an hour. Then I made a lasagne."
Declan hated himself. "I'm sorry." He breathed out.
"For what?"
"I don't know." Declan admitted.
Sebastian cupped Declan's cheeks between his hands, "You don't have anything to be sorry for." He said firmly - reassuringly. "You asked me where I was, and I told you. That's... There's nothing wrong with that, Dec."
"But you deserve privacy-"
"I don't want privacy." Sebastian declared, "Not from you. Never from you."
"But-"
"You could've come." He said.
"To Alex's grave?" Declan jolted out of Sebastian's grip.
"Well, not if you don't-"
"No, I do." Declan insisted, "I want to come. Can I...? Is that something I can do?" He asked, "Would it be okay? With you? With...?" He swallowed hard, "Would it be okay with Alex?"
Sebastian smiled at him fondly, "Yes." He said simply, "Yes, Dec, of course."
Declan kissed him.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Evan and Harvey emerged from Evan's bedroom once dinner was ready, both laughing under their breath, murmuring to each other quietly. They barely spoke to Declan and Sebastian throughout the meal, except to compliment Sebastian on his cooking. The pair of them were holding something incredibly fragile between them, even if they didn't know it yet, and Declan refused to touch it, or prod it, or risk breaking it. It wasn't his. It was Evan and Harvey's.
After dinner, the pair of them settled on the sofa to watch a movie, both refusing to touch the other, but for completely different reasons.
Sebastian suggested joining them, but Declan shook his head, and pulled Sebastian into his bedroom. "I can think of something I'd much rather be doing than watching a movie." Declan told him, shutting the door behind them, and tugging on Sebastian's collar.
Sebastian's hands settled on Declan's hips, "Oh, yeah? Like what?"
"I can show you." Declan whispered, closing the gap between their lips, and pressing himself into Sebastian's body, desperate to sink into him, to crawl into his ribcage, and live there forever.
They hadn't had sex in Italy.
After Declan had told Sebastian that he was scared - of having sex without a condom, and all the implications that came with it - Sebastian had refused to touch him for the rest of the trip, seemingly afraid of pushing a boundary Declan had clearly set for him. Declan had tried to muster up the bravery to talk to Sebastian about it, but he was too afraid of honesty, of vulnerability.
And now, neither of them quite knew how to broach the subject.
It was Declan who eventually decided that they couldn't avoid the topic for any longer, and grabbed Sebastian wrist before he could reach into Declan's bedside drawer for a condom, "Don't." He choked out breathlessly, "We don't need one."
Sebastian stared down at him, "Dec-"
"No, I know." Declan cut him off, propping himself up on his elbows. He was topless, Sebastian, too, the pair of them a tangle of limbs on the mattress, swollen lipped, with flushed skin. "I know I made a big deal out of it, but I...I want to, Seb."
"But it's okay if you don't want to." Sebastian said, "I won't be offended-"
"Please." Declan dug his fingers into Sebastian's hair, and pulled at it desperately, "Please, Seb."
Sebastian studied his face carefully, "Are you sure?"
"You're the only person I'm sleeping with." Declan mumbled, "The only person I want to sleep with."
Sebastian drew back, then froze, before tentatively leaning back in again, a glimmer of caution in his eyes. There was something he wasn't saying - something he wasn't asking - making Declan's skin itch with discomfort.
"What?" Declan asked, panic swelling in his chest, "What is it?"
"Nothing-"
"Seb-"
"How many people have you slept with?" Sebastian blurted out, the words ripped straight from his throat. Regret flashed across his face, and his eyes fell shut, anticipating the impact that was the follow.
A cold chill ran down Declan's spine. For a moment, the shock kept him paralysed, his brain fuzzy, and ears ringing. Once the anger settled in - red and hot and blinding - he shoved Sebastian off of him, and fumbled out of bed, reaching out for his discarded clothes littering the floor.
"Dec." Sebastian said, his voice trembling, "Dec, I'm sorry, I... I just..."
"You should leave now."
"Dec, please-"
"Get out, Sebastian." Declan pleaded.
"I'm sorry." Sebastian crawled off the bed, reaching out for Declan's hand, "I'm really sorry-"
"Don't touch me." Declan snatched his hand away, and stumbled back, desperate to put as much distance between them as possible.
"I didn't know you would be this upset-"
"You didn't-?" Declan shook his head defiantly, "No. No, you don't get to blame this on me for...for being upset." He snarled incredulously, "I'm allowed to be upset-"
"Of course you are-"
"It's a disrespectful question." Declan's hands were shaking, and his heart was aching, "Do you even realise how fucking hurtful it is to ask me that? Do you even care?"
Sebastian flinched. His eyes were blown wide, brimming with guilt. His lips were parted, but he didn't speak.
"God, you're a fucking idiot, Sebastian." Declan snapped, "If you wanted to know how many people I've slept with, then you should've asked me that very first night - I probably would've told you." He said, "But...But now, after all this time, after everything, you can't just-" He gritted his teeth, "You can't just fucking ask me that."
Sebastian was watching him carefully, silently.
"Why does it matter?" Declan demanded, "I told you I was clean, so why does it...? Do you not believe me? Do you not trust me? Do you want me to show you my fucking STI test results?"
"No." Sebastian choked out, "I believe you. I trust you. Of course I do."
"Then, why, Sebastian?"
"Because before I met you, I'd only slept with two people!" Sebastian exclaimed, "And both of them were really important to me-"
"And I'm not?" Declan asked, his anger instantly disintegrating, leaving behind an empty void that was much worse. He felt hollow.
"That's not what I meant." Sebastian insisted, "I just meant that I... I never used to..." He stumbled over his own words, tugging at his curls in frustration, "You were my first one night stand."
"And you think I've had millions of one night stands, is that it?" Declan hissed, "Because I'm a total fucking whore, right, Sebastian? Not like you - no, you're a saint, because you've only slept with people you love." He snorted.
"No." Sebastian rasped, "That's not-"
"You wanna know how many people I've fucked?" Declan challenged, "Well, so do I, but I-" Declan's voice shook, and he felt dangerously close to crying, "I don't know." He finished sharply.
"You don't-?" Sebastian faltered, staring back at him blankly, "You don't know?"
"I was too drunk to remember most of them. Some of them I don't even remember saying yes to." Declan tried to blink away his tears, but they fell anyway.
"Dec." Sebastian's voice was soft, and so were his warm amber eyes, "Dec, I'm sorry, I-"
"Well, I've answered your question, so fuck off." Declan wiped at his damp cheeks furiously, "Go find someone to fall in love with, and sleep with them instead, because clearly I'm not what you're looking for-"
"Don't." Sebastian cut in, wincing as though Declan's suggestion had physically hurt him, "You're the only person I want, you know that-"
"Do I?"
"I won't say it, Dec." Sebastian sighed, "Not like this, I...I won't... I don't want the first time I say it to be when we're arguing."
"Say what?"
"You know what."
"No, I-"
"I fucking love you, Declan." Sebastian blurted out, groaning miserably.
"I don't believe you." Declan responded automatically, because how could he believe Sebastian? He had gone twenty years without love, and he had expected to go the rest of his life without it, too. Sebastian didn't love him; Sebastian couldn't love him.
"You don't believe me?"
"You're only saying it because we're arguing-"
"I'm saying it because it's true-"
"No, it's not!" Declan exclaimed, "You don't fucking love me, Sebastian!"
"Yes, I-"
"You don't." Declan insisted, "You don't. No one does. They can't. You can't-"
"Declan." Sebastian grabbed his hand, his eyes wide with fear, "Look at me."
Declan squeezed his eyes shut, just to deprive Sebastian of what he wanted, and shook his head stubbornly, "I don't want to." He whimpered helplessly, his voice small and weak, his entire body shaking.
"Please." Sebastian begged, "Please, darling, just-"
"No." Declan rasped, "Stop asking me. I won't do it."
"Okay." Sebastian replied gently, his hand still clasped around Declan's, "Will you listen then?"
Declan wanted to refuse, but instead, without opening his eyes, he nodded.
"I love you." Sebastian said.
Declan released a choked noise that was somewhere between a sob and a grimace.
"I'm sorry for asking you..." He sighed, "It was a really disrespectful question, you're right." Sebastian continued quietly, "I didn't mean to upset you. I don't...I don't why I asked, I just thought...it just felt important. But it isn't important - I know that. I...I think maybe I'm jealous, of all the people who had you before me." He confessed, "And that's not fair. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."
Declan opened his eyes, and a tear slid down his cheek. Sebastian was looking back at him, his gaze warm and reassuring. "Do you...?" Declan cleared his throat, "Do you wish you met me under different circumstances?"
Sebastian shook his head instantly, "No."
"But I was your first one night stand." Declan reminded him.
"I don't regret anything." Sebastian admitted, "Except not calling you the next day."
Declan looked down at their linked hands, because it was easier than looking into Sebastian's eyes.
"You never told me." Sebastian whispered, fiddling with Declan's fingers, "Why did you never tell me - that you don't remember-?" He cut himself off, his voice rough, and eyes distant, "That you don't remember saying yes to everyone you've slept with?"
Declan shrugged helplessly, feeling small under Sebastian's heavy gaze.
"I'm so sorry, Dec." Sebastian said, sounding so incredibly earnest.
"I-I like feeling wanted." Declan mumbled, "Th-That's why I've slept with so many people. Because I want attention. I need it." He never got enough of it from his parents, or Mickey, or River, or any of the people he's slept with.
"I will spend the rest of my life showing you how much I want you, Dec." Sebastian promised.
"The rest of your life." Declan echoed, "That's a long time."
"Not long enough." Sebastian smiled, "I could spend a hundred lifetimes with you."
Declan wanted to cry again, "I think I could spend a thousand."
"I love you." Sebastian whispered, "Do you believe me yet?"
Declan leant forward to kiss him, "I might need to hear it a few more times."
"I love you, I love you, I love you." Sebastian mumbled into Declan's mouth.
Declan swallowed Sebastian's words, and let them bloom inside him, like flowers in spring.
"I love you so much." Sebastian cradled Declan's face, like he was holding something precious between his hands, "You never have to say it back. Just let me love you. Please let me love you."
Declan started crying again, overcome with happiness, "You're one of the best things that's ever happened to me, y'know?"
Sebastian held him close, and kissed the tears on Declan's cheeks.
Declan didn't say it back.
I love you, I love you, I love you, he thought.
He wanted to say it out loud, but he couldn't. He could only say it inside his head. The words could only exist there, where they were safe, and sheltered, and couldn't be bruised.
I'm sorry, Sebastian.
I love you.