As Evan pushed through the tall wooden doors, and stepped into the Italian Manor House, a rush of memories swept over him. He remembered running through the foyer with his cousins, bruising his knee on the cold tiled floors, and asking his Mother to kiss it better. He remembered ice cream, and pizza ovens, and his first ever sip of red wine. He remembered the smell of chlorine, and the sound of birds, and the feeling of grass between his toes.
He recalled the sweetness of childhood on his tongue, and realised bitterly that he had forgotten what it tasted like.
He hadn't been back to Italy in years.
So much had changed since the last time he was here. He had grown up, and fallen apart, and grown up some more. His eyes weren't so bright. His laugh wasn't so loud. His skin bore scars that stung and burnt and ached.
He used to dream of the future, and now he only dreamt of the past.
"Evan." Declan murmured into his ear, "You alright?"
Evan turned to face his best friend, and offered him a smile, "Yeah." He replied lightly, "C'mon, I'll show you guys around."
As Evan showed his friends around the manor, he had to swallow down the bittersweet memories that threatened to choke him. The kitchen was where he lost his first tooth. The living room was where his cousins taught him his very first swear word. The bathroom was where he had first cut his own hair, using a pair of rusty old scissors he had found in the bottom drawer.
Despite all the history that seeped out through the cracks in the walls, the manor itself was unchanged - it was as beautiful as it had always been. It sat at the foot of a mountain, and overlooked sprawling fields of orchards. The bedrooms had pastel coloured wallpaper, and soft patterned rugs. The windows were big, bordered by blue shutters, and overgrown ivy. The swimming pool was basking in the afternoon heat, bordered by apple trees, and shimmering under the golden sun. Everything was just as Evan had left it.
"You came here every summer? Really?" Harvey asked, pushing his sunglasses onto his head as he turned to meet Evan's gaze. They were sat at the edge of the pool, their feet dipped into the cool water. Declan and Sebastian had disappeared soon after Evan had shown them to their room, and neither Evan nor Harvey were keen to investigate why.
"Every summer." Evan nodded, kicking the water absentmindedly, and gazing off into the distance, where the orchards stretched out for miles before him. "I haven't been back for a few years though."
"Why not?"
"I stopped getting invited." He admitted.
Harvey's brows twitched into a frown, "By your uncle?"
"My aunt." He replied, "When I came out, she pretty much cut off all contact - my cousins, too." He watched the leaves above him sway in the light breeze, and for a second, he thought he could see three little kids running between the trees, throwing apples at each other, and accumulating bruises they would later be scolded for. He blinked, and the kids disappeared again.
"Shit." Harvey breathed out, "I'm sorry. That's...That's really messed up."
"I kept in contact with my uncle." Evan said, "We still speak on the phone occasionally, and he always sends me really expensive birthday presents every year." He explained, "He told me that I was still welcome to use the house, so..."
"Well, it's a fucking gorgeous house." Harvey huffed out an incredulous laugh, "Shame your aunt's such a bitch."
Evan laughed, unable to stop himself, "Yeah, real shame." He turned to face Harvey, who was staring right at him, "Y'know, you're the first straight friend I've had in a really long time."
Harvey's brown eyes softened sympathetically, "Yeah?"
"Straight guys haven't always been the nicest to me." Evan confessed.
"That's not because they're straight." Harvey told him, "It's because they're bad people."
Evan shrugged, his gaze dropping back down to the glistening blue water, "They're usually too scared to talk to me for longer than a couple of minutes, in case I start getting the 'wrong idea'."
Harvey squinted down at his watch, "Well, we're a little past the two minute mark, so either, I'm gonna have to stop this conversation right now, or you're gonna have to make a move." He nudged Evan in the ribs playfully, "What'll it be?"
Evan snorted, "Well, looks like we're gonna have to end the conversation here in that case."
"You're not gonna take me to bed?" Harvey challenged, "You're not even gonna try?" He teased.
Evan bit back a smile, "I'm celibate for the time being."
Harvey frowned, "What about Calvin? I thought you two were-"
"We're not." Evan cut him off sharply.
Harvey stared at him, confusion dancing in his dark eyes, "Oh." He breathed out, "Sorry, I just thought-"
"If Calvin's told you otherwise - if he's told you we're dating, or fucking - he's lying." Evan recoiled at his own words - horrified by how bitter they were. He wasn't used to tasting such venom in his own mouth.
"Are you okay?" Harvey's asked gently.
Evan's gaze dropped down to Harvey's hand, fingers twitching as though he were itching to reach out and touch Evan. "Don't-" Evan took a shaky breath, "If you're about to touch me, please don't."
"I-" Harvey tucked both his hands underneath him, out of reach, "I won't." He mumbled.
Evan's eyes fell shut in relief. He silently counted to five, then opened his eyes again, and squinted at the afternoon sun. "You can't." Evan whispered, "Ever."
"Okay, that's fine, I won't-"
"Seriously, Harvey, if you-"
"Why don't you trust me-?"
"Because I can't." Evan snapped, "I can't because you...you're not..." He grunted in frustration, wishing that talking wasn't always so difficult, "The only person I trust is Dec, and you're not him, so I...I can't..."
"Okay." Harvey said gently, "Okay, Evan, that's...that's alright. You don't have to trust me. Just..." He sighed, "I won't touch you. I promise."
Evan hated himself for so many reasons. For making everything so difficult for everyone else. For being a burden. For having such strong boundaries. For coming with a rulebook.
"Evan?"
Evan's eyes met Harvey's, which were warm, and kind, and compassionate, "I don't let Calvin touch me either." He mumbled, "He says it doesn't bother him, but..." He shrugged helplessly, "It bothers me." He couldn't let Calvin in; he had tried, but he had failed, so many times. He wished he could give more of himself to Calvin, but he couldn't.
"Calvin doesn't care about any of that-"
"He should." Evan said quietly. Calvin deserved someone better - someone he could touch, and kiss, and hug, and sleep with. "When we get home, I'm gonna end things with him."
Harvey winced, as though he was reeling from the impact of Evan's words on Calvin's behalf, "Because you can't touch him?"
"Because I can't love him."
Harvey stared down at the water, his reflection staring back up at him. He didn't say anything, but he clearly wanted to.
"Will you still be my friend?" Evan asked anxiously, "After I've done this Calvin - after I've hurt him - will you...will you still...?"
"Of course I will." Harvey replied instantly; his response was automatic.
"And Calvin...?" Evan couldn't finish his question - he didn't want to say it aloud, because that might make it real.
"He'll be your friend, too." Harvey promised.
Evan smiled softly, and nudged Harvey in the side playfully, because he didn't mind touching him as long as it was on his terms - as long as he didn't have to relinquish control. "Thanks, Harvey."
Silence engulfed them, and they sat side by side without exchanging a word, listening to the birds, and the sloshing of water around their feet. Eventually, Harvey turned to face Evan, "You think Seb and Declan are almost done?"
Evan snorted, "No chance." He replied, shaking his head, "They'll be at it for a few more hours."
"Hours?" Harvey repeated in awe.
Evan chuckled, then pushed himself to his feet, and extended his hand for Harvey, "C'mon, we're going out."
"We are?" Harvey stared at Evan's outstretched hand - perhaps confused because he had never been offered it before - and he eventually accepted it, "Where?"
"The village - we need to buy food for dinner." Evan replied, hauling Harvey to his feet, and then quickly withdrawing his hand. "There's bikes in the sheds-"
"Bikes?" Harvey echoed, sounding wary, "We have to cycle?"
Evan tilted his head to the side curiously, "Do you know how?"
"'Course, I just..." Harvey scrunched up his nose in distaste, "I haven't ridden in years - since I was a kid - I might fall off."
"You won't."
"I appreciate the faith you have in me but-"
"Harvey." Evan smiled at him fondly, and the apprehension seemed to immediately ease out of Harvey's shoulders, "You'll be fine. I promise."
Harvey sighed heavily, and obediently followed Evan into the shed, where he proceeded to pull out two bikes.
It was a short journey into the village. The narrow lanes led them past orchards, and meadows, and shallow streams that shone under the sun. The cool breeze ran through Evan's blond curls, and got trapped beneath his loose t-shirt. Harvey rode beside him, his knuckles tense around the handlebars, and a small smile hiding in the corners of his lips.
They were so far away from home, and for a short moment, Evan felt - for the first time in years - truly free.
The village was painted in vibrant colours, the narrow cobbled streets glowing gold beneath the orange sun. With their bikes rolling between them, they emerged in the town square, bustling with locals, and host to a weekly market. There were fruit stands, and meat vendors, and florists, all wearing stained aprons, and murmuring to each other in Italian.
"Can we get an ice cream?" Harvey asked, leaning against his bike, which he was pushing along beside him, the wheels bouncing along uneven cobblestones.
"Sure." Evan agreed, steering his own bike towards a nearby ice cream stand, "What do you want?"
Harvey's eyes lit up with excitement as he scanned the display before them, "Oh my god." He breathed out, his gaze darting between the different flavours, "There's so many. Why are there so many?"
Evan chuckled, watching in amusement as Harvey eagerly examined each option. He eventually settled on honeycomb, while Evan chose vanilla.
"Want a lick?" Harvey offered, holding his ice cream cone out to Evan as they started strolling around the market, zigzagging between bustling stands.
Evan recoiled, "Do I want a lick?" He asked in exasperation, "After you've already licked it?"
Harvey shrugged, "So?"
"That's..." Evan huffed out an incredulous laugh, "Harvey, that's disgusting."
"It's just saliva." Harvey reasoned, absentmindedly licking his ice cream.
"Yeah, but..." Evan stared at him, "It's just...it's just gross."
"Sharing food is no different than kissing." Harvey reasoned.
"Well, we've never kissed, so-"
"Okay, you don't want a lick? That's fine. A simple no would've sufficed."
Evan burst out laughing, nearly dropping the handlebar of his bike, which he was dragging along beside him, "You're ridiculous."
"Maybe." Harvey grinned, looking pleased with himself, "I grew up with three brothers. Nothing is too unhygienic to-"
"Three brothers?" Evan's eyes widened in amazement, "God, that must've been..." He frowned, "What was that like?"
"It was..." Harvey hesitated, slowing almost to a stop, "I had a sister, too."
Evan rose his brows, "Poor girl, growing up with all those boys-"
"She died." Harvey cut him off, his voice plain and steady; unreadable. "I was twelve, so..."
Evan watched Harvey carefully, his skin itching with discomfort, and heart throbbing with sympathy, "Harvey, I-"
"No, it's okay." Harvey cut him off, "Her death was...it was so stupid, she was..." His voice trembled, "She was sixteen, drunk, at her first ever party, and..."
"Harvey, you don't have to-"
"There was a river nearby and...well, one of her friends thought it would be a good idea to go swimming. Probably would've been, too, if they weren't all shit-faced, but..." He laughed humourlessly, "She went in and never came out again."
Evan's ice cream was melting, trickling down the cone, and coating his fingers. He looked down at it, and then back up at Harvey. His expression was neutral, and Evan wondered how much he had trained for this; teaching himself not to let his emotions seep through the cracks.
"She was a good swimmer, too." Harvey continued, "So, it was just...all of it was..." He heaved a heavy sigh, "I always wonder what her life would be like, if she were still here. I know she would have gone to uni - she wanted to be a teacher - and I know she would have made my parents so fucking proud. The rest of us were never as..." He paused to lick his ice cream again, "She was my parents' favourite. Rightly so, too. She was the best of us."
Evan had known Harvey for a while, and yet, when he looked at him now, doused in sunshine, roaming through the streets of Italy, and telling Evan the story of his dead sister, Evan realised that he didn't know him at all.
"You don't say his name." Harvey murmured, "Your ex, you don't...you never say his name, not to anyone."
Evan was taken aback by the sudden mention of his ex, and it took his brain a moment to catch up, "No." He replied, "Never."
"I don't say her name either."
"Why?" He choked out, unable to help himself.
Harvey's eyes met his, "You first."
Evan stared down at his melting ice cream, "If I don't say his name, it's like..." Evan took a deep breath, "It's like he doesn't exist." He admitted, "Unfortunately he does exist; he's alive, in prison, serving a twelve year sentence, but-"
"Twelve years?" Harvey echoed in exasperation, his eyes blown wide in shock.
"I know what you're thinking." Evan smiled sadly, "He must have done some pretty fucked up shit to get a sentence like that. Well, you'd be right."
"Evan-"
"Your turn." Evan told him, because he wasn't going to talk about his ex, not here, where he had only happy memories; his ex wasn't going to ruin that for him.
Harvey hesitated, "I don't say her name because I..." He looked down at the ground, "If I take away her identity, then she's just some girl who drowned, and I can live with that, but...but if she's my sister then..." His eyes grew hazy; distant. "I'm not sure I'd be able to live with that."
Evan took a deep breath, and decided to do something brave; he leant into Harvey's side, and he didn't flinch when their skin touched.
Evan was slowly learning that he wasn't the only one with a past he would rather forget. Declan, Sebastian, and Harvey all had things they wished they didn't remember. They all had nightmares. They all had scars; some on their skin, and some on their heart.
And somehow, they had all found each other.