billie
three hours and no updates on blue.
my head was resting on finneas' shoulder, my eyes barley open. i haven't slept in more than twenty four hours now, i'm exhausted. blue's whole family including kyle and lucas are here. we're all praying to whoever is out there to keep her here safe with us. i can't live without her, i can't.
"this is taking too long! i can't keep waiting!" richard stood up angrily and started looking for anyone out there to ask about how blue is doing. he's been doing that consistently since the minute he arrived here. everyone else has been silent or silently crying.
nothing is in our hands, we can't do anything to save her which fucking sucks. we just have to trust the doctors and nurses to save her. for all i know there could be a fake doctor that faked their license in there. i don't know how much longer i can't do this.
"this is ridiculous! she's been in there for three hours and no one has been out of that room to give us any updates about my daughter!" richard's yelling was heard from the halls. i closed my eyes trying to distract myself from his yelling, trying to think about anything else.
it's crazy to see such a big and intimidating respectable man break down. it really gets you to think and realize that everyone has a weak point and can be vulnerable if you hit the right spot.
richard came and sat back down. he put his elbows on his knees, his fingers pinching in between his eyes, above his nose. he was crying.
i've never seen my dad cry. i wonder how many times cole had to see the strongest man in her eyes, her father cry? i bet it hurts ten times more. how many times blue had to witness that?
i let my thoughts get the best of me and i buried my face into finneas' arm trying to hide my face from being exposed to others while i broke down once again. "i can't lose her." my voice cracked. i didn't even mean to say it out loud i was only thinking it.
"you won't lose her." i could feel finneas' head shake. "not right now, she's going to make it." she said it like he just knew, like there wasn't any other option.
"someone just got out of the room she's in!" cole looked up, pointing at the doctor who was probably looking for blue's family or whoever was with her.
i hurried, got up and followed richard. "are you blue's dad?" the doctor asked.
"yeah." richard nodded.
the doctor looked at me like he wasn't sure if i was supposed to hear this. "i'm her girlfriend." i identified myself.
"blue's kidneys are failing." he revealed. "it's her bodies way of rejecting the kidney transplant she had years ago. although rejection is most common at the early months of the transplant it can happen at any given moment, that's exactly what happened to blue. her immune system started attacking her kidney."
"how is she now?" i asked.
"she stable, she's supposed to wake up in the next hour. but that isn't for long. unfortunately blue has to get back on treatment at the hospital, as of now she is considered to have relapsed."
"aren't there any other options?" richard asked.
"yes, but they aren't as effective as the plan dr. mandosa has already set. she can take another pill that can slow down the breaking down of her kidney but death would be inevitable."
"no, no. we don't want that, we want dr. mandosa's plan." i spoke up.
"unfortunately it's not your choice and it's not her dad's choice, it's blue's choice." the doctor said.
"okay, but i don't understand. how come she was doing just fine in the day but then at the end of the day sh- she-"
"her rejection is hyperacute meaning we caught it at its early stages. blue's medication caused her to react the way she reacted today, they saved her. there may have been some early signs though, itchy skin, nausea, weakness, shortness of breath, increased urine output or decreased, irregular heart beat, swelling in the legs... do any of that sound familiar to you?"
"yeah, itchy skin, she was nauseous all the time, and always going to the bathroom, i- i thought her bladder was just small, shortness of breath too. we used her inhaler a lot these past couple weeks, i don't know if she was serious but before she started coughing up blood she said her heart skipped a beat. i- i can't believe i didn't notice, i should have known. i was going to bring her here today the minute we woke up because i was worried." i answered way too fast, tearing out the hairs in the back of my head.
"you couldn't have known." he shook his head.
"i should've known." i repeated and walked away, i've heard enough of what i needed to hear. at least for now, i was supposed to keep her healthy and safe when she brushed me off. this is my fault.
i burst into the toilet, thank god there was no one in there because it was one room that could be locked. i shut the door locked it and slid down the wall. my knees to my chest, buried my head in between them and cried as silently as i could.
i lifted my head and put my hands on my mouth to prevent me from catching anyone's attention from the outside. choosing to be in blue's life, dating her, i knew it came with a cost, which is having to constantly worry about her health. but i never thought or imagined it would come down to this. i barely had a year with her, i can't lose her now.
"billie? are you in there?" lucas was at the door.
i waited a couple seconds, trying to steady my breathing. "yeah, let me pee in peace."
"billie, i know you're not peeing. your voice is awfully close to the door." he said.
"please." my voice cracked. "please, leave me alone."
"blue is going to wake up anytime now, she needs you by her side." he said.
"i can't see her, if i saw her everything is going to feel real. she's dying right now, but it doesn't feel real. it will if i saw her in that bed hooked up to those machines." my voice shook as i talked.
"i've seen blue like that more than anyone should ever see their best friend like that. cole, richard, jasmine, we all saw her like that, hundreds of times. and i won't lie to you, it doesn't get easier, it gets harder and harder having to see her go through the same exact thing over and over again. it's not-" he paused. "it's not fair." he sighed.
"i'm scared, i'm scared of losing her." i confessed.
"i know, i know you're scared. we're all scared. i know exactly how you feel, i can't live without her either, i can't lose her either." he confessed. "can you please open the door?" i could hear him trying to be strong and not cry, but he's failing at it.
i got up, dusted myself and unlocked the door. lucas opened it and we both went in for a hug that we both needed. every second it lasted we squeezed each other tighter and tighter. my shoulder was wet and so was his, soaked with each other's tears.
"let's go see her?" he pulled away forcing me to look at his glassy eyes.
"yeah." i sniffled, we both started walking into blue's room. i was holding my breath to stop myself from shedding even more tears. the amount of wires hooked up to her body are too much to keep track of, i've never even seen her like this, this weak. she always seemed so strong in my eyes even at her most vulnerable moments with me.
"breathe." lucas whispered to me.
i looked at him slightly nodded then walked to blue and sat on the chair next to her. i get that the machines beeping are for safety and they are a good sign or whatever but they just make my anxiety worse.
"she's waking up, her eyes are moving." lucas spoke up after a couple minutes of us waiting.
blues eyes fluttered open, no one in the room dared to speak a word out before her. she slowly moved her head to look at me then said her first words. "billie?" her voice could barley be heard.
"i'm here." i quickly said, holding her hand.
"what happened?" she asked. i didn't dare to tell her and it was for two reasons. i did not want to be the person to break the news to her and i don't understand enough to actually explain it correctly.
"your kidneys went through hyperacute failure, your body started attacking the transplant kidney." dr. mandosa broke the news.
"what does that mean?"
"blue, you relapsed." dr. mandosa was more clear.
"no." blue shook her head. "no." she repeated her voice cracking. "that can't be true, no. it's not fair, no." she shook her head tears running down the sides of her head and disappearing at her hairline.
"she can't be doing that dr. mandosa, she just had serious surgery. she's going to make herself even more exhausted." she nurse said.
"i've been at this field for a very long time and i've known this patient for a very long time. i can't tell her to hide her emotions." dr. mandosa said. "we need to give her time." she walked out, her medical team following behind her.
"i don't want to do this again, billie." blue cried. seeing her cry, i could hold back my own tears. "it's not fair."
"i know, it's not fair." a tear fell directly onto my hand that was holding hers.
" i don't wanna die, but i don't want to do this." she told me.
"i don't want you to die either." i cried out.
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