I open my eyes the following morning to big doe eyes and bright blue hair. I groan. "Mia... What are you doing in my room?"
"Mornin' sleepy head! It's almost eleven in the morning! I made you breakfast."
I open my eyes more and adjust them to the brightness... Could it be? It is!
"Mickey Mouse pancakes!" I exclaim.
"Yep! Made from scratch," she says with a big, dazzling smile.
"You're the best," I say as I take the platter of pancakes and fruit with a glass of orange juice. I take a bite from the pancakes and they have a hint of vanilla flavoring in them and melt in my mouth. I give Mia a thumbs up and say, "Just like my first morning here last semester."
"I knew you liked them back then! You ate all of it!"
"Thanks Mia, I appreciate it."
She nods with a smile and heads out the door.
It's Friday, so I have one more day until I try to interact with Asher and Hazel.
I spend the remainder of the day making sure I'm all set for my upcoming classes and have all the materials I need. I got my required books and have my class schedule. I'm still undeclared - I need to work on thinking about what I want to major in. I'm not just here for getting dirt on Hazel and confronting Asher, I'm also here to get my degree. Hannah's here for pre-med, Mia's here for psychology, so I need to figure out where I belong. I need to learn to prioritize my thoughts, but I can't help but be focused on Asher and Hazel right now. I'll have to remember to talk to Dr. Redding about that in our next video-chat meeting, which is on Monday.
Saturday comes quicker than I thought, and I find myself pacing in my room an hour before the party is supposed to start. What to wear? Do I want to look good or look like I'm not trying hard? What do I say? I've rehearsed it before but now I've forgotten everything I was going to say to Asher and to Hazel. When did I start becoming so scared of social interactions?
Mia taps on the door and lets herself in. "Lil?"
"What's up?" I question nonchalantly while still deep in thought and a secret panic.
"Do you wanna like, rehearse, or something?" she asks.
I lose my cool. "There's no time! I gotta find what to wear, I need to do my makeup and-!"
"Relax, Lillian! Let me do your makeup and we'll talk it out," she gestures towards my floor mirror with my makeup scattered around it. I huff and sit down next to it. "Is Hannah going to be here soon?" she asks.
"Any minute," I reply.
"Good, she can probably help us out too."
The three of us arrive at the frat house where the Dissidents hold their parties. The familiar sounds of bass and muffled rap music fill my ears and people are scattered across the lawn and porch. I take one last drag of my cigarette and stomp it on the hard ground, then adjust my leather jacket as Hannah puts her hand on my shoulder. "You ready?" she asks.
"Now or never," I reply.
The house reeks of alcohol and weed and the lights flash and blind me for a moment; nostalgia hits me and I feel the familiarity of the environment I'm in. It reminds me of who I used to be - some parts I miss, this included. Hannah and Mia walk close behind me and Mia even holds onto my jacket. I bet she wants to go home to the comforts of her cozy bedroom, but I need her support now more than ever. I can't blame her for being nervous as we pass by a group of people covered in tattoos and piercings, glaring at us. This can be a lot to take in for someone that's new to the scene. Hell, it's like I'm pretty much new to it as well, but instead of grabbing onto someone's shirt, I grab the closest drink I can find, which is in a girls hand to our right as we walk by. I chug down the fruity concoction and the alcohol burns my esophagus. "Hey!" she yells from behind us. I ignore her as I wipe off my mouth.
I can feel the old Lillian starting to resurface, and I'm going to need her.
I can't show any weakness.
Not tonight.
I look straight ahead as we walk, the alcohol boosting my confidence, but I keep my eyes peeled for someone I recognize. I see a poof of pink hair in a wave of people on the dancefloor and go for my target. Mia pulls on my jacket, falling behind as I weave my way through the crowd of people. I look back and make sure Hannah is still with us. When she gives me the thumbs up, I look back at the pink fluff of hair and make my way towards the girl. I push my way through the final bunch of people and put my hand on her shoulder, "Hey!" I yell over the music.
Rose turns to look at me and has confusion written all over her face.
"It's me... Lillian!"
Her eyes go wide. "Oh! Lillian!" she exclaims. "I didn't even recognize you with the new hair!"
I nod and flash her a fake smile. I'm not here for small talk. "Where's Hazel?" I ask, getting to the point.
"Hazel?" she questions with her eyebrows narrowed. "Umm, she's over there," she hesitates as she points to her left. "With, uhh - Asher."
Hazel's with Asher. I feel a stab to the chest as I look and see them... All over each other. Lips locked and everything.
Now I grab Rose's drink and start to chug it.
"What the hell?" she yells.
I hand her back the empty cup and make my way over to Asher and Hazel. My heart thumps ferociously in my chest and I feel like I'm going to hurl up that drink. Mia's not clinging onto me anymore, which is a good sign, she should stay put back where she's safe with Hannah.
I need more alcohol for this; I'm not ready. I'm not ready to face Asher and confront him about how much he hurt and wronged me. Hazel is another story. Although, Asher will be easier to deal with compared to Hazel - who drugged me, spread around my secret, and knows things I don't know about my own, dead, sister.
But now, the situation couldn't be any worse. The boy who broke my heart and the girl who broke my spirit are making out on a couch in the middle of a party. Not giving a shit about their surroundings, and not to be self-centered, but they aren't thinking of me and how this could hurt me. They don't even know that I'm back at school and here witnessing the monstrosity in front of me.
Everything that could go wrong with this situation has gone wrong and everything I've rehearsed to say to them has been thrown in the garbage. I'm just going to have to wing it.
By the time I get within six feet of them, I've reached my boiling point. "You both are cute," I say passive-aggressively. I actually think it's sickening.
They both turn towards me, unlocking their wet lips from each other. Their faces are first both written with confusion, then instantly to shock as I move closer to them and cross my arms.
"Lil?" Asher says.
"Oh shit," Hazel says as she starts to push herself off him and not making eye contact with me.
"Can we talk?" I ask Asher, although it's not really an option. "Alone?"
He scratches the back of his head. "Uhh... Yeah," he glances at Hazel. "Sure."
Asher follows me out onto the front porch. "What the hell, Asher?" I ask as I still face forward to the lawn, making sure we don't have an audience.
"What are you talking about?" he questions. "Is it Hazel?"
I turn to face him. "Yes, it's Hazel! But it's also everything else!"
"What do you mean?"
Is he stupid? "Where have you been? I tried contacting you."
He raises his arms. "Lillian, what did you expect me to do? You-"
"I expected you to care!" I interrupt. "I expected you to kick Hazel out of the Dissidents after learning about everything she's done to me!" Tears start to slowly well up in my eyes but I choke them back.
He rolls his eyes and sighs. "What did Hazel do?"
"You don't know?" I drop my arms and he shakes his head. "She was the one who drugged me at my first party here. She was the one who spread my secret which led to the fight between Alexa and I, which resulted in... You know."
His brows furrow and eyes widen. "Wait, what?"
I gesture to the house. "And you're in there making out with her!" I let out a breathy chuckle. "Do you see how screwed up that is, Asher? Especially more so because you didn't show an ounce of compassion towards me after what happened!"
"Lillian, I'm not sure if that's true or not, but-"
"It is true!"
He sighs loudly. "Either way, I wasn't in it for the long run with you! I've got my own shit going on and didn't feel like dealing with yours too, especially after your ridiculous stunt to get attention."
A weird noise escapes my throat and I have to close my eyes and comprehend what he just said to me. A stunt to get attention? Is that what he thinks it was? What happened to everything he said to me at the party the night of my attempted suicide? When he opened up to me, and told me why he cared about me so much. Confusion consumes me and I don't know how to handle these waves after waves of crushing emotions.
"Lil-" he reaches out to try to touch me, but I slap his hand away. "I didn't mean that - ugh - fuck."
I choke on more tears. "So... Everything you said to me that night was all a scheme to get in my pants."
"No, Lillian," he says with defeat.
I nod and wipe my eyes. "Liar." Once again, I was taken advantage of. I should have known. We barely knew each other. He was saying all that shit for malicious purposes. My breathing gets heavy and I ball my fists.
"Lil," he takes a few steps towards me. "It's okay now, you're okay. I can see you're better than what you used to be. We can pick back up where we left off!" he tries to give me a reassuring smile.
I slap him as hard as I can across the face and head back into the house to search for Hazel, shaking my sore hand as I storm off.