I take a deep breath as I'm guided out of the facility by Miranda. She doesn't say anything as I meet up with my parents, and neither do they. I see that my mom's crystal blue eyes are glistening from tears and my father gives me a sad smile. I don't run up to them and give them hugs like a normal person, I don't cry from seeing them again, I just say goodbye to Miranda and walk with my parents to the car, letting them guide me with their hands lightly touching the small of my back.
The ride home is long and tortuously silent, except for the few interruptions of my mother's sniffles and the low noise coming from the radio. I tap my fingers on my knees and anxiously await to see who says the first words, whether it be one of them, or me. I don't dare say anything, plus I wouldn't know what to say anyways. Do I apologize? Do I scream? Just staying silent now seems like the best option, for now.
We finally pull into the driveway of our house. I slowly let go of the pendant that has left my hand sore from grasping it so hard again; I get so lost in my head with anxiety that I never notice how hard I'm grabbing it, which has become one of the many habits that I've developed over the past few months. I'm pretty sure I have scars on my hands from it. I reach for the handle of the backseat door and slowly get out of the car and see that my parents are waiting for me already. Still - no words have been said between us since they picked me up and the silence is frightening.
Once we get into the house I immediately head up towards my room, leaving my parents in the kitchen. I close my door behind me and look for my hidden pack of cigarettes in the sock drawer of my dresser. I have been waiting for this moment since Tess and I had a few on the rooftop of the facility. I look around my room and notice that it's full of moving boxes - everything that was in my apartment at school. I groan out of frustration and light my cigarette with the lighter I'd hidden in the pack. I was supposed to go back to school as soon as possible, why the hell is my stuff here?
I blow smoke out of my window before throwing the butt out the window and trudge downstairs with anger burning in my throat. "Why the hell is my stuff here?" I say loudly as I go down the stairs. I don't get a response, so I look for my mom. Both she and dad are sitting together in the living room watching TV. "Hello?" I say, annoyed.
"Sit down, Lillian," my dad says.
"No, I was supposed to go back to school! Why is my stuff here?" I repeat. My mom stays silent and I roll my eyes. "Mom!"
"Lilly," my mom says. "Sit down and talk to us. Please stop yelling," she says as she massages her temples.
I huff as I sit on the edge of the couch across from them, bouncing my legs. I've been wondering when they would break their silence, and now I'm even more nervous. "Well?"
My parents both simultaneously move to the edge of the couch, holding hands. My dad takes a deep breath and looks me in the eyes.
"Your stuff is home because your heart stopped beating for almost two minutes, Lilly." Two minutes? I felt like I was with Evelyn for at least an hour... "We didn't know how long you were going to be in that coma for either, so we had your stuff sent home."
I take a breath to start talking, but my dad interrupts me. "Before you get upset, we talked to your doctor and we know about you wanting to go back to school, and will send back your stuff when you are ready."
I let out my breath slowly and start to become a little calmer.
"But we're still worried about you. It's not going to be easy to send you back to a place that made you want to do that to yourself," my mom says.
"Who said I wanted to?" I say in defense. "I had no choice!"
"You always have a choice!" My mom screams. "What were you thinking and how dare you?"
"Dawn!" My dad says to my mom, trying to calm her down while grabbing her shoulders.
"No, how dare she try to kill herself when she's all we have left?"
I stand up quickly. "Fuck you, mom!" I scream back at her. "How dare you make this about yourself? After everything I went through, you have no right to say something like this!" I scoff and take a few heavy breaths, my mom's eyes are wide and full of shock and my dad sinks back into the couch and lets us fight. "And, 'all you had left'? If you're talking about who I was after Evelyn died, then you're deluded, because I was already gone after her! I was nothing and nothing to you both!" I point at them.
"This has nothing to do with Evelyn!"
"It has everything to do with Evelyn! After she died I was nothing! I had nothing left! You guys were no help - dad went back to his alcohol and you went back to your depression. I needed you and you weren't there!"
Mom stands up now pointing to my chest. "We were always here for you! Don't you dare put this on us. We all lost her, not just you, Lillian! Could you be any more selfish? I can't believe you-"
"That's enough! Both of you, shut up!" My dad yells over my mother, his voice booming through my chest and shutting us both up. The room goes silent.
"Dawn, you have to remember what we talked to Doctor Redding about. Lillian is not selfish. She is and has been hurting. Lillian, you need to give your mother and I a break, Evelyn's death hurt us just as much as you, you just have to live with the guilt that you have for thinking you were the reason the accident happened ," he takes a deep breath and sighs. "We are all that is left of this family, and I will not let it be broken anymore. I can't," he starts choking on his words and his eyes start glistening with tears.
I'm taken aback - I've never seen him like this before. To me, he's always been an emotionless drunk when times get tough and quiet during the meantime. But now, his eyes burn with emotion and his voice shows something I've never seen before.
"I just don't understand how she-" my mom starts.
"You'll never understand, mom," I snap. "Until the day your best friend and someone you truly love dies on your behalf, then you will never understand me." Tears start to well up in my eyes and I run up to my room and slam my door behind me.
I pace angrily in my room, clutching onto the pendant until my hand aches again with tears streaming down my face. My mother will never understand the pain I've had following Evelyn's death - yes she may have lost her too, but she wasn't the cause. I was. And that is something I will be carrying for the rest of my life. Doctor Redding helped a great deal with my guilt - but one can only do so much. I still have yet to accept it myself that it was just an accident and I didn't kill her. It seems almost impossible.
There's a faint knock on my door. "Go away!"
"It's me," my dad says in a calm voice. I sigh and open up the door for him. "Can I come in?" He asks. I nod and go sit on my bed. My dad follows and sits on my bed with me, but remains distant.
"Lilly, I know you think of me as a worthless drunk that runs away from his problems without thinking of his family," he says with his eyes still glistening with tears. "But, we all deal with loss differently and we all mourn in our own ways. You are no exception to that truth. I find solace in alcohol, which I know is unhealthy, but I love my family. I love you, I love your mother. I loved Evelyn. Your form of mourning is the result of guilt, but you know you love those around you and don't want to hurt them, right?"
"I guess so," I say.
"I don't want to hurt those around me either, but sometimes the alcohol does that for me. As for you and your guilt - it hurts those around you as well. You hurt Hannah and all of your friends at school by doing what you did, as well as your mother and I."
"Dad, if you're trying to make me feel better, you're failing."
"I'm trying to make a point, Lillian. Mourning can cause us to hurt those around us," he says. "Lillian, you need to realize that feeling guilty is how you chose to deal with the loss of your sister. But, you are not to blame for her death. It was the truck that drove into your car, not your own carelessness."
I thought I was done crying, but I guess not. I scoot over to my father and embrace him. He hugs me back and I can feel him shaking from his cries as well. "I just miss her so much," I say in between sobs.
"We all miss her, but she's still with you," he pulls away and points at the pendant that lays on my chest. "She loved you more than anyone. She always wanted what was best for you, and I'm sure she still does and is looking down on you."
"I know she does," I start to say. I don't finish on how I know this, because I'm not sure if my father would believe me if I told him I saw Evelyn when I died for those couple of minutes. I don't think anyone would believe that. Instead, I let out a huff of frustration thinking about my mother and how she could be so insensitive.
"Anything else on your mind?" Dad asks.
"I just don't know what to do about mom," I admit. "She's been so frustrating and careless with her words and making me feel more like shit!"
"Your mother is just having a hard time understanding. She'll come around," he says. "Though, I think you two should have a talk... Without the screaming..."
I stifle a chuckle and wipe the tears from my eyes. "I don't know how that would be possible."
Dad lets out a chuckle and says, "Possibly have a conversation in a public setting." We both laugh.
"Good point."
Dad smiles at me and pats me on the back. "Okay, kiddo. I'm glad we had this talk - and more importantly, I'm glad you're alive and doing better," he adds. "I love you, Lillian."
"Thanks, Dad. Love you too."
When was the last time I ever had a talk like this with one of my parents, especially my father? My mind is a whirlwind as he walks out of my room and gently closes my door as I never expected that from him. Not just from him, but I also never expected that out of myself. When did I become such a softie towards my dad?
Now it's time to do it with mom... When I'm ready to deal with her.