My hand is aching from grasping the pendant so hard, so I let it go and it falls gently on my chest. I decide to do something that I never pictured doing. I open my door slowly and go across the hallway and stand in Mia's doorway. I sniffle and wipe the tears from my sore eyes.
"Come here," she says as she notices me. I slowly come up to her with my head facing the floor, and she gently embraces me in a soothing hug. I cry into her shoulder but leave my arms crossed at my chest. "Talk to me, Lillian," she says. "What's going on?" My tears soak her shirt. She shushes me. "I'm here," she whispers as she slowly pulls away, but keeps her hands on my upper arms. "Can you tell me what's going on?"
I look at the floor and continue to sniffle and my teardrops fall on the floor. "How did she find out?" I squeak.
"Calm down, Lillian. Start from the beginning," Mia says with furrowed brows.
"I killed my sister."
"Wait, what?"
I look up at Mia. "And someone found out about it," I continue. "I came from Ventura, California to escape from this shit! How did she find out?" My voice is scratchy and I cover my mouth with my hand.
"Lillian, what did you mean when you said you killed your sister?" she asks me cautiously.
I sigh and look back down at my crossed arms. "I haven't talked to anyone about this besides my best friend and my parents."
She nods slowly. "You can talk to me."
My vulnerability at this moment leads to me opening up to Mia - out of anyone else. I never expected this. My life and my own personal choices have never failed to surprise me for the last two years, but I find myself needing to talk. The urge has become overwhelming. I need to be vulnerable right now.
I take a deep breath. "It was about two years ago..." I start. "My sister, Evie, and I were in the car. I was dr- driving," I stutter and bite my lip for a moment. "We were dancing."
Mia looks down and lets out a long breath.
"I wasn't paying attention... I let go of the wheel... And we crashed into an eighteen-wheeler. It killed Evie on impact," I lightly take the pendant in my sore hand again. I look up and see tears welling up in Mia's big, brown eyes as well. "I just wish it was me instead of her!" I cry. Mia gasps. "I made it out alive! And she didn't! It's all my fault."
Mia stands there idly, lost in thought. I shouldn't have said anything. Now she knows and she probably thinks of me as a murderer too, which I wouldn't blame her for. Surprisingly, she pulls me in for another hug, but a little harder this time.
"Oh, Lillian," she says in my ear. "I understand that you would want to blame yourself over what happened. But you didn't kill her."
"I did... I did kill her, Mia."
"No, you didn't. It was an accident," she says with a soothing voice. "I know there's nothing I can say or do to make the pain go away, but just remember, you're human," she pulls away from me and I continue looking down, wiping tears from my eyes. "You made a mistake, you need to learn how to forgive yourself."
"That's not possible." I snap.
"Of course it is. I think you should go and talk to someone. You can't deal with this on your own," she says carefully.
"I'm not going to see a fucking shrink if that's what you're saying!"
Mia crosses her arms. "The best way to learn how to cope with losing your sister is to talk to someone."
"I saw a psychologist up until a month ago. All she did was prescribe me mind-numbing drugs and kept asking me that 'and how does that make you feel?' bullshit!" I say. "Besides, someone here found out about it, I don't know how or who -"
"Let's take one step at a time," she says. "As long as you know deep in your heart that you did not actually kill your sister, then their words won't mean a thing to you."
I continue to look down and shake my head.
"I lost my dad when I was sixteen. I'm familiar with the pain you're feeling," she says softly as she presents the inside of her forearms to me. I look and see that they are covered with faded self-harm scars. I look up to her and see her doe eyes filled with tears again. "I noticed your legs," she sniffles. "You're not alone, Lillian," she gives me a sad smile.
"But- but," I say in disbelief. "You're so damn happy all the time, Mia."
She lets out a soft chuckle. "Scars fade with the pain, Lillian," she says. "I hope one day you can experience the same." She crosses her arms, hiding her barely-visible scars again.
I sigh as I release the pendant.
"Want to go make some popcorn and watch a movie?"
I nod. She puts her arm around me and leads me out into the loft.
I sit on the couch across from Mia's flat-screen TV and I cover myself with a blanket. Mia puts a bag of popcorn into the microwave and presses a few buttons.
"What kind of movie do you want to watch?" she says as she makes her way towards the TV.
"Horror," I say immediately. "It distracts me the best," I explain when I see her contorted face.
"Great," she sighs. "Be prepared for me to scream my head off."
An hour later, Mia and I are cozy on the couch, all three bags of popcorn that Mia made are long gone, and for once, tonight I feel at peace while watching one of my favorite horror movies. Mia wasn't joking, she's been gasping and letting out screams at all of the scary parts of the movie. I giggle every time.
"Why are you laughing? This isn't funny!" She punches my arm.
"I'm laughing at you, not the movie!"
She rolls her eyes. "I'm gonna have a heart attack."
Suddenly, there is a loud knock on the door. Mia sharply gasps and grabs onto me.
"Mia..." I try to unclench her fingers from my arms. "It's just the door."
I pause the movie and we both sit in silence for a minute.
"Well, are you going to get it or not?"
"I'm scared!"
"Just go get the door Mia, I'm too comfy," I snuggle up in my blanket.
Mia grunts and gets off the couch and makes her way slowly to the door which starts pounding again. She gasps and looks back at me, I give her a reassuring nod.
"Just open the damn door, at the pace you're going at now, they'll probably be gone by the time you get there," I giggle.
"What if it's a masked serial killer?"
"I now regret picking a horror movie," I roll my eyes. "You'll be okay."
She makes her way to the door and slowly opens it.
A deep, familiar voice rumbles from the doorway, "Where's Lillian?"
"I don't think now's a good time - hey!" she yells. "Yeah, sure, you can walk right into our dorm, that's okay! Stranger!"
I look down the hall and see Asher walking down the hall, his dark eyes meet mine and he sighs in relief but also frustration. My heart starts to flutter.
"It- It's okay Mia," I stutter. "It's my friend, Asher."
I get off the couch and cross my arms. "Don't mind her, we were just watching a horror movie."
Mia comes back into the loft with her hands on her hips. "I'm just taking everything with precaution!"
I let out a giggle and Asher shakes his head, his hair flopping with every movement. "We need to talk."
"Uh, okay," I say, my smile fades quickly with anxiety. "Mia, we're gonna go to my room. It won't take long."
I go to my room and Asher follows behind me.
"Use protection!" I hear Mia say from the loft. "Why did I say that?" she moans to herself.
I sigh at Mia and go into my room. Asher stays quiet, which is making me more nervous.
"Come in," I say as I turn on my light and go sit on my bed. He closes the door behind him. We stay in silence for a moment. I feel extremely awkward and ridden with tension, but I try my best to maintain composure.
He crosses his arms and leans against the door. "Alexa called me earlier. We've been looking for you."
I shrug. "Well, here I am."
He scoffs. "She told me what happened. Care to explain?" he says. He studies the various paintings that scatter the walls in my room.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't play dumb, Lillian." He turns quickly to face me. "What did that girl mean when she said that you killed your sister?"
"I don't want to talk about it anymore," I sigh, defeated. "I'm feeling better now and don't want to ruin it."
"What did that girl mean?" he repeats.
"I said I don't want to talk about it, Asher!"
He huffs. "Look, Lillian," he says. "We're a group, you can't keep secrets from us. We're here to help you," he pauses for a moment and looks away, then mumbles, "I mean, unless you're a real murderer or something."
I groan and then let out a breathy chuckle. "Seriously?"
He looks at me and shrugs but his eyes are stuck on mine. He's not going to let this go.
"Fine. Fine," I say. "If you really need to know." I take a deep breath.
As I explain my sob story to him, he listens attentively. His hazel eyes stay locked on me as I tell him how I killed my sister. I don't have any tears left tonight to let go, so I don't embarrass myself by crying in front of Asher. I want him to see me as the girl that he met at the Dissidents' kegger party. Not this vulnerable, emotional girl. I finally finish talking and we both remain in an awkward, stale silence.
"Wow," he says, breaking the silence followed by a big sigh. "Well, we'll make sure that this Jane girl gets taken care of."
"I'm just hoping she doesn't spread my secret around everywhere," I say.
"She won't," says Asher. "We have your back, Lillian."
I hope I can trust the Dissidents to keep my secret safe. I don't know who I can or can't trust here. I barely know these people.
At this point, I'm leaning against my desk and Asher sits on my bed, but he gets up slowly while looking me in the eyes. My heart starts to pound again. He makes his way towards me and gently and slowly embraces me. His torso is slender but I can feel his muscles tense up. The tables have turned this time as we hug, unlike the night I got messed up at the party. Sparks run down my spine and my figure tenses up in Asher's hug as he wraps his arms tightly around my waist. He towers over me and places his palms across my lower back. He then pulls me in closer, tightening his grip. I just sink into his hug and I try my best to not let any more tears escape. He lightly moves one of his hands behind my head and lightly strokes down the length of my hair.
I don't quite know what this feeling is... Whatever it is, it feels right. I wrap my arms around his waist. He's warm and smells of a woodsy cologne with a slight mixture of cigarettes. I take a big inhale of his scent and feel a wave of calmness overcome me.