#RW08
I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes) - The 1975
Will I die?
***
The moment I found out I have cancer, I saw how my world crumbled before my very eyes. My whole body felt numb. I started to count my days. With every breath I take, I cherish. With every move I make, I want to feel it. With each second passed, I will never waste it.
Subconsciously, the question I ask to the doctor was..
"How long am I going to live?"
"One to two years. Do you want to schedule your chemotherapy?"
And the question I asked myself was..
Will I die?
In my remaining months, I saw how my life flashed before my eyes.
I fell asleep on my desk in the middle of writing an update. I woke up when my phone vibrated beside me. With my head still on my desk, half-asleep, I took it and saw a message from a random number. I thought it was just a wrong number but then when I opened the message, my heart skipped a beat.
09*******
Hey, Irene. Is this your number? How sneaky of you to write your number in the bookmark when you returned my book lol.
All my weariness disappeared upon reading her message. A small smile crept on my lips. I sat properly on my chair and typed my response.
Irene:
Did I? I just wanted to gift you a bookmark as a token of appreciation for letting me borrow your book. My number was a bonus ;)
I then changed the number to the nickname I gave her.
Min(ni)e:
Kunwari ka pa, hmm?
Irene:
I'm glad you texted back :) What are you doing? Have you read the book?
Min(ni)e:
I've only read five chapters. I'm going to be busy again this week since I have to help my dad in the restaurant.
Irene:
You own a restaurant? *o*
Min(ni)e:
It's my dad's. He's the headchef. As early as now, I'm helping him with his work cause when I graduate, I'll be working as a chef in his restaurant.
Irene:
Wow! That's cool! You've already planned out your future.
Min(ni)e:
Well, sort of. You can visit our restaurant if you want. Malapit lang sa school :) How about you? What's your plan?
And that question caught me off guard. It took me a minute to respond and when I did, she suddenly stopped replying.
Irene:
Working on it :)
Another minute has passed and I decided to put my phone down and looked at my laptop. I clicked the space button and it lit up. I realized I haven't written anything yet. I remember deleting the chapter because it was ugly and decided to start a new one but I ended up falling asleep. I was working on nothing afterall.
***
"Irene. Huy!"
Something hit my mouth. It was a plastic wrapper. I looked at BJ intensely. I knew that he was the one who threw it. He smiled awkwardly then showed me a peace sign. I rolled my eyes and diverted my attention back to my phone.
"Sino ba 'yang kachat mo at pangiti ngiti ka diyan?" he teased. "Share mo naman sa'min ni Sadie."
"Huh?" I heard Sadie said. I looked at her and she was busy reading a manga
"Um-oo ka nalang," BJ whispered to her and she nodded. BJ turned his attention on me. "So who is she? He?"
"We're still talking, okay?"
"Just tell me if it's a boy or girl."
"Girl."
"Kawai," Sadie mumbled. I looked at her, confused
"Oh, what's her name? Does she go here?" BJ asked then sipped on his drink
I smirked. "Secret."
My eyes widened in shock when he suddenly kicked me lightly on my leg under the table. I glared at him.
"Walang secret secret sa'tin. Just spill it. For sure, matutulungan kita," he winked at me
"Ang chismoso mo."
"Kilala ko ba 'to?"
"No."
"Oh, wait, I think I know."
My heart just stopped for a second when he gave me a smug smile. He then pressed his lips, suppressing his laughter. I wasn't sure if he actually knows or just messing with me.
"Is it your internet friend writer who ghosted you? Nagparamdam ba ulit?"
I sighed in relief. He was disappointed at my reaction. He must have thought he can read me easily.
"No. We stopped talking for months," I replied. "Besides, he's a guy. I never liked him."
He blinked twice. "Oh, so sino nga kasi? Ang damot mo naman. I thought we're besties," he pouted
"Ayoko lang ma-jinx."
"Malas ba ako sa buhay mo?"
My expression remained blank. "I still haven't forgotten how you used my tinder account before to get guys," I shot back
He gasped. Sadie had that shook pikachu face. BJ began to sweat nervously. He then smiled awkwardly then sipped on his drink. I felt him kicked me again under the table. I can't help but to stomp on his foot. He almost spilled his drink at my face. I immediately moved my food on the side, afraid that his saliva will contaminate it.
"Grabe ka. Isang beses lang naman yun. Wala nga akong napala!"
Sadie laughed. "Why would you use Irene's tinder? Bakit hindi ka nalang gumawa?"
"Because she doesn't use it anymore. Wala akong magawa no'n e," he answered
"Because he was jealous cause a lot of cute guys which all of his types sent me messages."
Sadie's brows raised. "Oh, so Benjie is looking for a boyfriend?"
"More like a fuckbuddy or a sugardaddy."
"Grabe ka talaga! Akala mo 'to hindi rin naghanap noon," BJ rebutted
"Yeah but that was before. It's not like I entertained a lot of guys. Tinder is overrated," I said then checked my phone again. I tried my best not to be obvious in front of them but I couldn't help it
Min(ni)e:
Come to our restaurant! May bago kaming menu. I added my own dish and I want you to try it :)
Irene:
Are you asking me out on a date? ;)
Min(ni)e:
Just a friendly date :)
God, this woman always keeps me at the edge of my seat. Even if it's obvious I'm flirting with her. She remained oblivious. Right. She doesn't know about my sexuality yet so she must have thought we're just ordinary girl friends. She put the space. If only I can erase it.
"Well, I can't blame Irene. She's really pretty. She reminds me of the character here in the manga I'm reading," Sadie giggled then showed me the picture of the character she's referring to. She flipped the page, showing me more
"She's not pretty. She's a witch." BJ just won't stop teasing me when there's an opportunity
"A pretty witch," I smiled
Sadie nodded in agreement while BJ was still pissed at me just because I didn't tell him who I was talking to. I'm planning to tell him but not now. I'm afraid he'll accidentally spill it to everyone that will cause a fuss.
***
"Irene! You came!" Minnie greeted warmly as soon as I entered the restaurant
I was a bit nervous to go here alone. I wished I had dragged BJ with me but I realized I kept this a secret from him.
"Hey. Of course I did. Thanks for inviting me," I smiled back. I was surprised when she gave me a quick hug. How I wished it lasted for at least a minute
"Thank you for coming. Come. Let me show you to kitchen." She then held my wrist and pulled me. I looked around and noticed that the tables and chairs were empty
"Uh, why are there no customers?"
"We're not open yet."
We then arrived at the kitchen. It was clean and well-organized. The kicthen wares were placed inside the cabinets. The counters were shiny and clean. The first thing that caught my attention was the dishes on top of the counter near us. She walked towards it and faced me.
"Wow! Did you cook all these?" I asked
"Yeah. Hope you didn't eat lunch yet," she smiled then gave me a spoon
"I'm a bit hungry. I'd love to try it."
"I'd love you try it as well and give your honest feedback."
I nodded and looked at the dish closely. She then explained it to me what she cooked.
"So, it's my own recipe of smoked salmon pasta with cream sauce with asparagus, fresh parsley, and creamcheese. I also squeezed in some lemon zest to give a fresh taste."
The first bite tasted delectable in my tastebuds. I had to take another big bite. I was embarrased since the portion was only small and I'm already half way finishing it. Minnie was only watching me with a smile on her face. I covered my mouth as I chew.
"So? How was it?"
As much as I want to give her my answer, it tasted too good in my mouth, better than what I've expected. I gave her a thumbs up.
"It's one of the best pasta dishes I've ever tasted."
Her face lit up. "Really? Thank you."
"The flavors are well put together. They balance each other out. I love the taste of garlic and olive oil combined as well as the lemon. I also want to add the nice presentation. You did a fantastic job," I added with a chef's kiss
She chuckled then covered her mouth feeling shy. "Thank you. Baka sinasabi mo lang din 'yan kasi magkaibigan tayo."
"I'm not," I beamed
She looked down on her dish. "Well, I really put so much effort in that dish since it will be added in our menu. Of course, my dad will judge me. The dish must be perfect. I spent months trying to perfect this dish."
I licked the spoon. "Hmm. You must feel pressured. Don't worry. I'm sure he'll like it. I can see your heart and passion to make this dish. It's your art."
She then took a paper towel then wiped the edges of the plate, making sure it's clean. She looked at it closely, assessing every details with keen eyes. I only watched her from the side.
"Are you a perfectionist?"
"Mm-hmm especially with my passion. I've been cooking since I was nine or ten? My dad taught me. I grew up just watching him in the kitchen. I love every dish he has cooked for me," she said. "Eversince then, I wanted to be a chef too. Namana ko sa kanya yung passion niya."
"It's nice to pick up your passion at such a young age but also feel pressured to follow your dad's footsteps."
She stopped then looked at me. "Yeah," shs sighed. "He's a great chef. He built his own empire. He wanted me to inherit it. There is a pressure but I'm super blessed that my family is supportive of me, especially my dad. He's strict and all but I learn from the best." Her smile returned on her face
"I'm sure you'll be a great chef too someday."
"Thank you."
"And an amazing wife."
She chuckled. "Hmm?"
I blinked twice. I didn't realize I say it out loud. "I mean, cause you're a great cook."
"Ahh. I'm more than just a cook you know? Plantita rin ako. I have a garden at home with fresh organic fruits, vegetables, and crops. I also plant flowers too. I do flower arrangements then sell it online for extra income."
I chortled. "Wow! Ang dami mo palang ginagawa kaya madalas busy ka."
"Yeah but I focus more on cooking. How about you? Aside from writing?"
Our conversation was interrupted when the door behind me suddenly opened. A tall man, properly dressed in a white chef's uniform, stepped inside. We made eye-contact. My head bowed a little then I gave him a small smile.
"Dad! You're here!" Minnie greeted enthusiastically then went to her dad
"Minnie. You're early today," his dad smiled back
"I told you my friend is going to visit today. I let her taste my dish," she said then turned to face me. "Dad. I'd like you to meet my friend, Irene. Irene. This is my daddy."
"Goodmorning po," I greeted politely
"It's nice to meet you Irene. I'm Minnie's dad," he greeted with a warm smile
My fingers were playing behind me, nervous and shy at the same time. He was so tall, shoulder level, pale skin, huge physique, and a little bit of stubbles on his face. He looked quite foreign to me because of his accent.
"It's the first time Minnie brought a friend here and even let someone taste her dish. Not just any dish," he said
Minnie got flustered. She then showed his dad her dish. "I want you to try it dad. Hindi na siya masyadong mainit. Ang tagal niyo po kasi dumating," she pouted
He smiled, excited to taste Minnie's dish. "Have you been grinding all day?"
She nodded. Every second passed, she felt nervous and excited at the same time. When her father tasted her dish, he didn't speak nor reacted right away which made me nervous for her too. My heart was beating so fast inside my chest. I sighed in relief when he gave her a thumbs up. There was a huge smile on Minnie's face. They both gave each other a high-five.
"You've improved Minnie. It's really good," he commented then wiped the sweat on Minnie's forehead
"Thank you dad. I was so nervous but I'm happy you liked it."
He patted her head. "I know how much you work hard on every dish you cook Minnie. I'm very proud of you."
Their father and daughter relationship warmed my heart. I felt happy for Minnie too. She looked at me with a smile, showing her teeth. I gave her two thumbs up. She shifted her attention back to her father who couldn't stop eating her dish. Their laughter echoed inside the kitchen.
Suddenly, I felt a pain in my head. I closed my eyes shut. It slowly disappeared. When I opened my eyes, I caught Minnie looking at me with a worried expression on her face. I manage to smile.
Since the restaurant was about to open soon, I didn't stay longer anymore. Minnie had to work too even during the weekends. I was planning to ask her to hang out with me today actually. I had to leave, also because I wasn't feeling well.
"Thank you again for coming Irene. You can come again anytime and I'll prepare you another dish," she said
"No worries. Nakakahiya naman. I'll pay next time. For sure, it's a date," I teased
She bit her lip, smiling. "Next time, I guess."
"Goodluck with your cooking. May you make more amazing dishes. I'm always here to support you."
"Thank you Irene. I'd do the same to you as well. Ingat ka pauwi."
Before I leave, I watched her go back inside the restaurant. It was already lunch time. People were starting to come and slowly filling the empty tables. I took a step back and looked up. I can't believe the person I'm falling for can be this high. It's almost as if I couldn't reach her. Our gap was too big.
Slowly, I turned my heel and walked away. There was a pain in my head again. It's annoying me. I thought I just have to rest so it will go away. When I was near back to my dorm, I saw BJ waiting for me outside. I walked towards him and he immediately saw me.
"Irene!"
"Hey. What are you doing here?"
"Saan ka galing? Kanina pa kita tinetext. I said if we can hang out today with Sadie. May bagong bukas na bar malapit dito."
I gulped. "Oh. I was with...uhm."
He looked at me suspiciously. "You're with the mysterious girl na gusto mo?"
I sighed. I realized I couldn't keep it a secret from him for too long cause later on he'll find out and he'll be upset about it. He gets upset in little things.
"Fine. Yeah. I was with her pero saglit lang."
"Ohh...okay."
I arched my brow. "Okay?"
He crossed his arms over his shoulder then looked at his fingers. "Tsk. When will you keep this a secret from me? I just want to know the unlucky girl."
I scoffed. "Unlucky?"
His brows raised in anticipation. "So?"
"Fine. I say I like this girl. Her name is Minnie. She goes to the same university like us. She's taking up culinary."
He placed his hand below his chin, thinking deeply. "Minnie? Her name's a bit familiar. Minnie Mouse?"
I sucked my teeth. "Tanga."
He chuckled. "Joke lang. Ano bang surname?"
"Minnie Suarez."
He snapped his fingers. "Oh! Kilalala ko nga. She's a friend of a friend. Ang alam ko rin may mayaman sila e kasi yung dad niya chef."
"Wow, may mas alam ka pa sa'kin ah."
"Hello? Ako pa ba. Marami na ako kakilala sa school."
We continued our conversation inside my dorm since I was feeling tired. I laid down on my bed while he's sitting on my chair.
"Oh? Why do you look a bit sad?"
I didn't realize how long I was staring at my ceiling with stars sticked unto it until he spoke.
"She invited me to her father's restaurant. She wanted me to taste one of her specialties that will be added on the menu. When I got there, it was like a new experience for me. I mean, I've never been to such a luxurious restaurant....let alone judge a dish."
"Omg! So totoo nga na talagang mayaman na sila?"
"Maybe? My first impression of her, I didn't think she come from a rich family. I thought she'd be like me who's obsessed with books, rock music, astrology, or cats."
"What? What is she like then? Oh, wait. Does she know that you're bisexual?"
"Not yet. She's oblivious about my feelings for her and I know in myself that I'm holding back as well."
"Why? Baka may jowa na?"
"Then she should have invited her boyfriend then to taste her dish instead of me."
"Malay mo natikman na rin."
I looked at him. He was playing with the small toy skull displayed on my desk. "Natikman na siya kamo," he said jokingly
"Baliw," I replied. "I mean, for me, I'm not ready to tell her about my stories let alone read it to her cause my art is precious to me...but the fact that she let me taste her dish, her art, that she worked hard for months. It's like sharing a piece of her to me I don't know. I feel, somewhat special. It's cheesy I know."
He diverted his attention on me. "Well, you should do the same too. Share your passion. You don't necessarily have to talk about it all the time since that goes with us too. I would understand if you have different taste or maybe you're not comfortable with her yet."
"I do feel comfortable with her. She likes to read too. I just don't have the confidence. I feel like my works are shitty."
"That's what friends are for. We share shitty stuffs. Minnie just presented you her best dish maybe because she wants to impress you," he teased
I rolled my eyes. "I just told you a while ago that it was for their menu."
Later on, I felt him hopped on my bed and went beside me. I gave him a little space.
"I just feel like she's too good for me. She's way out of my league. She told me she wants to be a chef like her dad and when she graduate, she'll help her dad manage their restaurant. She's such a wifey material," I smiled weakly
"You're so smitten with her. I cannot!" BJ squealed the lightly hit my thigh
"While I'm here, stuck. I try to focus more on my present and not worry too much about my future but..." I sighed and closed my eyes. "Where am I heading?"
"Is that why you're holding back in pursuing her aside your fear for the future?"
"Yeah. We're complete opposites too. I don't think I have a chance anyway. If I confess, baka layuan niya pa ako. I'd be okay if we remain as friends."
We were envelop by silence. I was already falling asleep when he spoke again.
"H'wag ka naman agad panghinaan ng loob. I can help you with her. Gusto mong i-set ko kayo ng date?"
My brows furrowed. "Hmm, no."
He sighed in disappointment but he still continued to push me. "Ikaw pa ba Irene? Go for it. Shoot your shot. You won't miss. Girlfriend material ka naman. Ako yung naeexcite para sa'yo."
A soft chuckle escape my lips. "It's fine. I'm just tired right now BJ. Baka hinahanap ka na ni Sadie. You told me you guys are going to hang out today?"
"I already texted her. Busy din pala siya. I don't have plans for today. Ayoko din umuwi sa bahay."
"Sa condo mo?"
He chuckled softly. "Matagal na kong walang condo."
I looked at him. "Why?"
"I'm broke as fuck."
"Humina na ba kita mo sa only fans mo?"
He lightly hit my leg. "Hoy! Paano mo alam? Gusto ko na rin tumigil doon."
"Wala ka na bang projects?"
He shook his head. "Sadly, none. I still continue to submit my portfolio, hoping someone would hire me. Patience is the key." He remained optimistic
"Ang lakas mo pang magyayang mag bar."
He laughed. "Doesn't mean I still can't have fun."
I smiled weakly. "You can stay here for today if you don't want to go back home."
"Really? You'd let me sleep here?" He was smiling from ear to ear
"It's not like this is your first time."
"Thank you bestie. I love you!"
Without replying back, I turned around and hugged my pillow. It was not long until I fell asleep. I woke up from a bad nightmare. I got up from my bed, panting and sweating. It was already dark outside. BJ was snoring loudly next to me. I sighed deeply and closed my eyes.
I just dreamed that I died.
My throat felt dry. I couldn't remember the details of my dream but it felt too real. I got scared. I removed the blanket on my leg and went to the bathroom. I opened the lights and went to the sink. I washed my face with warm water. I then looked at the mirror. My skin was dry and pale. Bags were evident under my eyes.
It was all normal for me not until I noticed that my hair was unusually thin. It was getting shorter, like a boyish cut. I ran my fingers through it. Strands of hair began to fall off. My lips parted, frightened by the sight. I looked at the hair on my hand, touching it to make sure it was real.
My heart stopped for a second. I felt my hands turned cold. All the hairs on my body rose. My eyes were fixed on the hair on my hand. I was shaking. I took a deep breath to calm myself down. And when I did, I threw the hair in the trash bin and went out of the bathroom. BJ was still peacefully sleeping on my bed.
I couldn't go back to bed because of what I discovered and because of my bad dream. What other way to release these emotions other than writing. I went to my desk where my laptop is. When I opened it, the screen lit up. I was on my twitter account. I was going to close it but then I saw tweets from random people.
"I can't believe I accidentally liked my crush's old picture. I wanna die!"
"Okay so my ship sailed, I can die peacefully now."
"I just died when my favorite artist just viewed my story."
"When I die, please play Hit me baby one more time by Britney Spears at my funeral?"
"What if I just die right now? Will they be happy? Will I not be a burden anymore? Will this pain go away forever?"
"Do you sometimes wish to die? Or maybe you don't actually want to die but simply want the pain to go away and what other option is to..die? Lol."
I used to like those tweets before but then reading it now made me anxious. Since when did death became a meme? Maybe that's why some can't take death seriously because they use it in every ways. Whether they're angry, depressed, happy, overwhelmed, or embarrassed. You simply can't tell if they're serious or not. And the replies would often be neutral instead of providing help.
I wondered if I ever tweeted something like that so I decided to stalk myself. I wouldn't be lying if I say I sometimes want to die. Two years ago, before I knew I had cancer, I tweeted a song by my favorite band, the 1975. I didn't know exactly what I was going through that point. I remember I enjoy listening to that song but now...I can't listen to it anymore.
I want to live..