So hello. As always, there is surely something I wanted to address, but I will only remember it once I updated so anyways. So.... what's new? This chapter. You will hate me at the end of it. It leaves you all unsatisfied and with a longing for the next chapter. A chapter I haven't written yet, so yeah it's a shame. By now I wonder why you guys brother reading it, I update like never. This is not a call for attention, I'm just genuinely wondering. It was a long day, but here is my newest brainchild. I hope you hate it as much as I do. Cheers!
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Walking towards the reporters, Joanna faced them head-on, a brave expression on her face while they photographed her before she turned left, right in front of them and slipped through some secret passages, leaving them to run after her, but soon confusion took over. Joanna was gone and they were looking around from the cunning Austrian.
Making her way to the Mercedes garage through the secret paths was way easier and Joanna was glad they still existed in Austria. She was just about to open a door hidden behind a wall to slip into the facility as a familiar voice called out to her.
"Sometimes, I don't know if you're brilliant or just stupid." The thick Australian accent caused Joanna to let go of the door handle only to turn around and face Mark Webber in all his glory.
"Mark." Joanna said, acknowledging him, but it wasn't a greeting and they both knew it. Joanna had no interest in talking to Mark.
"What the hell are you doing, Joanna?" Mark asked her, stepping closer to the Austrian, who brushed a sweaty strain of her hair behind her ear, watching Mark, waiting for him to go on, but as the Aussie didn't she exhaled slowly. There was really no time to speak to Mark now, but if he already was there. It would mean one call less to make.
"We both know that you understand perfectly fine what I'm doing." The Austrian said, causing Mark to shake his head. He couldn't believe how calm she was. The Austrian had painted a target on Kelly Piquet's back without a care in the world.
She felt superior, an attribute she hated so much in other people, but she could hardly hide it, her face betrayed her. Sometimes he wondered if she wanted to get coughed if her desire to tell her brilliant plan was so pressing that she risked losing altogether, just to feel superior for a single moment.
"I thought after your father's death you would finally set yourself free. That you would stop these stupid games and just be true to yourself and the people who love you. That you would get Verstappen back..." Mark spoke, but Joanna was fast to stop him.
"I'm working on it." She told him, before shaking her head, cringing at her own words. "God, you make me sound like a stalker. I'm having his child, Mark."
Joanna's words twisted something deep inside of him. Was it jealousy, no, maybe it was anger that she did this to Max again? Joanna Lauda never did something without a reason. Mark knew that, he had learned that the hard way. He was pushing her around as she was nothing but a child, but she learned, and Mark never noticed until it was too late, and Joanna had sticked her freshly sharpened knife into his back. Joanna was always clever, he had to let her that, but her arrogance was dangerous. It was making her carless.
"Is this your way of mending things? A child won't heal your broken relationship." Mark told her honestly, but something told Mark, that that wasn't Joanna's intention. She had an intention, he knew that much, she never did something with an intention, but he couldn't put his finger on what it was just yet.
"No but the chance he is willing to give me now. For the child's sake but also for us. It's not as if he ever stopped loving me." The Austrian said, ready to leave Mark, but the Aussie was fast to speak up.
"Loving you?" He spat, causing Joanna to give him a furious look as she stepped up to him in order to get into his face.
"Yeah! Loving me, Mark. He's man enough to love me. I'm repairing what I've broken. I'm trying." Joanna explained, her hand hovering over her belly, before she moved it away, but Mark's eyes have already seen her doing it. Maybe it was unconscious doing from her, or it was one of her clever moves. Hurting Mark with the reminder that she pregnant again, that it was not his child, that their child had died before it's time. Or she was simply feeling uncomfortable and wanted to comfort herself with it, but Mark never believed Joanna Lauda to move without an intention, to act unconsciously, to let her instincts take over.
She is the most cunning person he has ever had the displeasure to meet. Even her breaths were taken with the intention to hurt someone else. She was an enchantress. Her words bewitching, her presence serine.
"By targeting Kelly?" Mark wanted to know, things suddenly began to make sense, but he didn't want to believe that Joanna was that calculating. Not even Joanna Lauda could be that cruel, but shouldn't he know better? From his own experience Joanna is nothing but cruel, deep down, all her doings are coloured in crimson red, you just don't realise it soon enough.
Joanna justifies all her actions with the legacy of her family, which she carries on her shoulders alone, with the child she has under her heart, with the danger that her enemies represent from which she must protect herself. She might be the most unmorally person Mark ever met. Everyone who isn't herself is a pawn in her game and an enemy apart from the few she sees as her favourite pawns. Max is one of them, as is Daniel. Both of them have to suffer greatly under Joanna's mere existence. Mark always doubt she's worth all the pain she causes.
"I'm not targeting anyone. I couldn't care less about her, still I offered my support." Joanna told Mark, as if he didn't see right through it. The Lauda offspring hadn't offered support, she had offered destruction.
"By making yourself a martyr?" Mark wanted to know, his voice raised which caused Joanna to smirk at him lightly as if he was a stupid kid, which didn't understand anything and to tell the truth, Mark didn't understand how a woman as beautiful as Joanna could possible be as dark and twisted.
"Is that how you see it?" Joanna mocked him, feeling superior again, all Mark wanted to do was reach out and squeeze her throat until no word would leave her lips ever again. She was evil and cruel and for far too long, he had been under her spell as well, but not anymore, not any longer. For the first time in forever, Mark saw clear.
"It makes sense now, you know, but I couldn't believe you were that heartless." Mark spoke causing Joanna to lift her eyebrow.
"It was always about Kelly, the whole time, wasn't it? You left Max, so sure that Kelly would get her claws into him, so all you had to do was play along. Since she is with Max the Piquets' are slowly grumbling, piece by piece and that's what you always wanted. It was nothing more than one of your games. Max was a pawn you were ready to give up, because you knew he would come running back to you the moment you told him about the child. You were ready to scarify him. But you went to far this time. Max will never forgive you." Mark said powerfully, his stare hard on Joanna, who tilted her head to the side, her intelligent blue eyes scanning his from anger reddened face.
"Do you think of me as that wicked?" Joanna wanted to know with honest interest in her eyes, not emotions though. She was ice and fire at the same time, steel in her veins, steel and petrol.
"I do." Mark answered honestly, which caused Joanna to snort.
"You are a fool, Mark Webber." The Austrian said. "It seems like you learned nothing from me." This was her chessboard and Mark seemed to have forgotten that for a moment too long. He was sure he was only another pawn the Austrian was ready to scarify once he knew too much and Mark was sure he did know too much for the Austrian's liking. It was a mistake to let her know.
Once you know what's up, pretend and play dumb.
Max had said that to him once after an interview but why this memory came to him now confused Mark until... what if he was wrong? What if it was Joanna's plan, yes, but she wasn't acting on her own any longer. What if the Queen finally had found her King?
"But he did, didn't he?" Mark asked, the thought scaring him. "Max learned a great deal from you." He added, the blood in his veins frozen.
All that had happened in the last year felt so off to Mark, he hadn't seen Joanna's handwriting in it and now he knew why. It wasn't her doing. Not her doing alone. Together, they had a unique handwriting Mark knew nobody was sensitised to it. Two FIA council members, not so much ex-lovers. Of course, they were playing the big game. Max was sitting at the table, he finally got his own seat, he was no longer a pawn, but Joanna's alley on the board.
"Max is not like that. He never will be." Joanna said, causing Mark to look at her.
Oh. She hasn't realised that the boy she loved had taken a seat at the big table. Max Verstappen was a player many people overlooked, to honest, to straight forward, but what if all of this was just for show. He was fooling them all, even Joanna and to do that, you need a lot of skill or the benefit of blind love. The boy was always clever, Mark knew that much, but he never thought Max could pull up something like that.
"Believe what you want, Mark. But not everyone is as calculating as you are." Joanna spoke, her voice unwavering. "Not everything in life is a game. This is solely about my family. The family I would do anything to protect. If that makes me wicked and cruel, so be it." With that, the Austrian turned around and disappeared through one of the secret pass ways.
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"What on earth is going on?" Christian muttered to himself as he entered the facility on the day of the race only to find his team in such a condition. Members of his team were running around as if they've lost their heads, talking on the phone or looking lost standing in the middle of the room. Eyeing them with a worried expression Christian walked over to Vicky, who was talking on the phone to ask her what had happened for things to escalate like this.
"It's Max." She said, one hand hovering over the lower part of her phone as she moved it a little bit to the side to answer her boss. "He refused to leave his room." She added, causing Christian's eyes to widen, before he was already on his way to the driver's room of the younger of the two Red Bull driver. Entering the right corridor, he could already see the little crowd which had formed in front of the Dutch's room.
GP, Max's race engineer was standing in front of the door, one of his hands against the wood, while he talked with his driver.
"Max, come on. This is silly. Open the door. We can talk about everything." He was always the voice of reason in Max's ear and normally that worked rather well, but today nothing seemed to work. Jos watched the whole scene with a frown on his face, seemed like Brad and GP had already told him to take a step back and let them handle it, with which neither Jos nor Helmut seemed to be happy.
"Tell him if he wants to ever again driver an F1 car for us, he opens this godforsaken door, or I swear I will ..." Helmut bitched but Christian was fast to step forward and stop the old Austrian to finish his sentence.
"Enough." Christian said strongly before taking a step closer. Now also seeing Kelly Piquet leaning against the wall a little further down the corridor, her phone in her hands and a bored expression on his face.
"Can any of you explain to me why my star driver has locked himself in his room and won't come out?" Christian asked, but he got blank expressions from the members of his team, before Jos Verstappen huffed annoyed.
"Move to the side. Leave him to me and he will be ready to drive in five minutes." Jos said but the team principal of Red Bull was sure that this wasn't the solution he wanted for this situation. Christian needed to come up with a plan and quickly, but the snort from a certain Brazilian pulled him from his thoughts.
"Whatever." She muttered, as she was about to pass Jos, but the Dutchman was fast to get hold of her arm, before pulling her towards him.
"Where do you think you're going?" He asked Kelly, which caused her to try and free her arm but without success.
"This isn't my problem." She told the Dutchman strongly, but all Jos did was laugh darkly.
"Making sure Max does what we need him to do is the only reason why your sweet little Brazilian ass has a seat at the top table. Your only purpose is to entertain him, so he forgets the Austrian bitch he has knocked up." He told her, before letting go of Kelly and shoving her against the wall, causing Brad to step in between her. The Brazilian might not be his favourite, but he won't allow anyone to shove a woman around in his presence.
"Joanna is pregnant?" GP asked, all eyes on Jos. That was news for all of them. Apart from Jos as it seems.
"She is pregnant?" Kelly asked again, her eyes on Jos. "Of course, she is. Fuck this family. Hers and yours. Now it all makes sense. She thinks I'm a danger to her child, that's why she fed me to the fans and the media. She's scared." Kelly spoke, a satisfied expression on her features, but there was still anger below it.
"Maybe I'm sick of being second best to Joanna Lauda all the time, have you ever thought about that?" Kelly asked, before turning to GP. "Yes of course he's fucking her, if you must know, I'm sure they've never stopped in the first place." Kelly said which caused Jos to huff.
"Nobody cares if he sleeps with her or not. I just want you to be able to talk some sense into him when we need it. I don't care how." The Dutchman said.
"What do you want me to do?" Kelly challenged Jos, while GP had moved to hold the Dutchman back. "Give him a blowjob through the closed door? There is nothing I can do. She's his baby's mummy. Your son loves Joanna Lauda and there is no changing that, believe me, I tried." She added, before shoving Brad off her and storming away, most likely in search of her father to complain.
Rolling his eyes, Christian moved to the door only to put his ear against it, listening if he could hear Max on the other side, before he moved back to knock on the door. "Max." He called out gentle.
"It's me. Christian. I would really like to help you. If you need someone to talk or if I can do anything else for you to come out of your room, please tell me." He said, his voice filled with more patient than he actually still had left. He needed back to get ready for the race.
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"I can't believe I'm doing this for her," Lewis muttered, which caused Angela next to him to smile. They were on their way through the paddock to give a last-minute interview before the race to pull the attention of Joanna and Max, but the Austrian would have to pay her British teammate highly for this favour.
"Oh please, you're whipped. She didn't even have to ask you for this." Angela said with a little giggle which caused Lewis to give her a warning look, but the woman at his side couldn't care less.
"I will have you know, I'm doing this because I'm a good teammate." Lewis said, but his performance coach didn't answer, she simply moved to open a door and show Lewis inside, who took a deep breath before following her.
"Lewis. I'm glad you could make it." A familiar voice said, and all Lewis wanted to do was bolt. He loved Joanna, he really did, but nobody in this world was worth him inhumating himself like that.
"Nico." The Brit greeted, taking the hand the German offered before taking his designated seat opposite of the German ex-driver. It was just an interview nothing else. He was doing this for Joanna and a little bit for Max as well, there was no other reason why he was here.
"Well, you know how it is, time is ticking, so better start the interview." The German said which caused Lewis to nod, before he got asked one question after the other. Some about their new project Extream E, which he had to thank Max and Nico for, before going on about letting private things be private.
Nico was just busy giving a well drafted monologue about respecting boundaries, most likely written by Alain Prost to protect his goddaughter, but Nico delivered it nearly perfectly, which caused Lewis to lose himself in the words, nodding along until his eyes fell to Nico's hands. Why on earth was he moving them so damn much, they gave Lewis backflashes he would rather not have in an interview, before biting his lips to not make a sound as Nico went on about Extream E and the environment, all topics which were very important to Lewis as well, but he didn't feel well talking about it with Nico Rosberg so close, at some point, the German had even moved forward to touch Lewis's knee for a moment which was totally on the camera roll as well. What the fuck was he thinking?
Lewis did this interview for Joanna, to help her and not to cause another scandal, but the German didn't seem to mind. Giving the fans exactly what they wanted from them, between some icy glances and not so subtitle flirting. At the end of the interview Lewis felt dizzy with all the things that had just happened. He needed to get the fuck out of this office, before Nico got the chance to talk to him alone, because the Brit was sure he would mention what they did the last time Lewis was at the FIA HQ in Paris and that's not something Lewis was comfortable talking about.
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Leaning against the wall next to Max's driver's room. Christian shared a look with GP ever so often, while the rest of the team went back to business as usual. He couldn't believe he had really done it. This must have been the lowest point he had ever reached as the team principal of Red Bull racing. The Brit was a proud man, but now he had to ask his arch enemy of all people for a favour. He was sure the Austrian team principal was sitting in his office laughing at Christian's despair.
"What's the matter?" Christian was so deeply in thoughts that he hadn't noticed the beautiful Austrian standing in front of them, until her serine like voice caught his attention.
"Joanna." Christian said while letting out the breath he didn't know he was holding. He turned to look at her but his eyes travelled right away to her belly, trying to see if she was truly pregnant. She looked as always, he couldn't believe she was pregnant.
"He locked himself in his room and refuses to come out until we get you so he can talk to you." The Red Bull team principal explained which caused Joanna to lift an eyebrow, before looking over her shoulder to share a look with James, who had come with her.
"So, what you're telling me is that he's bitching around like a toddler and instead of handling him yourself, you've called Toto to send me, even though I'm in the middle of my prerace preparations? Are you playing mind games, trying to break my routine to make me lose or something?" The Austrian questioned which was actually quiet a fair assumption. He would have thought the same thing in her stead, but this wasn't a mind game. But yet again, Christian couldn't tell her what exactly this was about either.
"Can you talk to him?" GP asked Joanna softly before Christian could come up with an answer causing the Austrian to huff, if GP hasn't managed to get Max to leave the room only a miracle could. The race engineer was an expert in getting a bitchy Max back under control, goddamnit it was the man's job to do so.
"He's not listening to you?" Joanna wanted to know, causing GP to shrug.
"We had a little disagreement, and I might have said something I did mean, but I never meant to hurt him." Looking at GP shortly Joanna nodded to herself, before moving to the door and knocking her flat hand against it a few times.
"Max!" She called. "Come on, that's silly. You could have just called instead of causing a scene." The younger Mercedes driver challenged but there wasn't an answer from the other side of the door.
"I would have come to see you right away." She added quietly, but there was still no sound from the other side of the door, making Joanna wonder if he was even in truly, which caused her to try the handle, which opened the door easily. Looking at Christian, she gave him a 'are you fucking serious' look. None of these idiots had tried to door handle, that was like the first thing to do.
"I ... we didn't know." Christian stumbled over his own words of thanks and apologies which caused Joanna to give him another unamused look.
Rolling her eyes, Joanna opened the door a little bit further to look inside, but her expression changed, while Christian told her that they were able to take care of Max now themselves. The Austrian wasn't hearing him. She simply stepped into the room and closed the door behind her, which caused Christian and GP to reach out to open the door, but the Austrian had been fast to lock it behind herself.
"Joanna. Joanna! Open the door." Ignoring the angry shouting and the knocks on the other side of the door. Joanna pulled her eyebrows together in worry as she carefully approached Max. The Dutchman was sitting in front of his makeshift bed, his legs pulled to his chest and his arms slung tightly around his shins while his head was buried against his knees.
"Max." His name left her mouth in surprise, unintentionally, as she came closer which caused the Dutchman to look up, his eyes red-rimmed and his cheeks were wet and blotchy. Feeling like an intruder, Joanna lowered herself to the floor in front of Max, so she could look at him, and watch his every move.
"I ..." Joanna started to speak. She was about to tell him that she didn't know what to do, that she had never seen him this sad, this shattered ever before and that she had no idea what to do, but she didn't.
Starting the obvious wouldn't help in this kind of moment and even though she felt helpless, she couldn't show Max that. They only thing which calmed her down a little bit is that he wanted her here, Max had asked for her company. He had made Christian ask Toto for her, so whatever was going on, he must really want her close, so Joanna moved her hand to grasps his fingers with her, holding them and letting him know without words that she was there and that he wasn't alone any longer.
"What do you need me to do?" She wanted to know, which caused Max to look away from her to let his gaze wander through the room. Watching the silent tears make their way down Max's cheek, Joanna couldn't stop herself from moving forward and hugging Max against her body.
It was a weird position they were in. Joanna on her knees, her upper body straight while her arms were slung around Max's shoulders and with Max protected by her body like a shield.
Joanna felt the ghost of Max's finger on her back, before he gave in to her, opening his legs a little bit to allow her closer, while his fingers fisted her team shirt, his face buried in her neck.
"Things are under control. It will be alright." The Austrian promised after a moment which caused Max to snort.
"They all did it for you. Without a second thought." Max muttered which confused Joanna at first, but even as she tried to pull back so she would be able to look at Max, he didn't allow her to move away, holding onto her tightly for another moment before he let go of her.
Looking up at him in confusing, Joanna noticed that Max's expression had changed. His sadness and helplessness had turned into anger and frustration.
"What are you on about?" The younger Mercedes driver wanted to know while reaching out to touch Max's cheek, but the Dutchman was fast to get a hold of her wrist to stop her before she could touch his face.
"They heard about my fuck up and instead of watching in unfold, they all put out statements of support or even gave interviews in our favour. Even fucking Charles Leclerc said something nice about me, for you. I caused one of the biggest scandals in motorsport and they all came running to safe us." Max said bitterly. His eyes on Joanna, who didn't understand what his problem was.
"That's what friends are for. We would have done the same thing." She claimed but Max knew that they wouldn't have come for his aid if it wasn't for Joanna. They all came to pull her out of the water and rescued Max as well, because they were already here. Already at it. Like a two for one deal. Nobody ever cared for him, even after fucking up like that, he still stood in Joanna's shadows.
"They're not my friends. They're yours. I wouldn't have done such things." Max reminded her, but for Joanna there was no difference. "If it wouldn't have been you, if I would have fucked up with someone else, I could have buried my career by now, but now we're some kind of hero, who stand up for love or something like that." He spat.
"What are you trying to say?" Joanna wondered out loud, not getting where Max was going. She thought he was glad that she had managed to pull them out of this mess without too much damage to their names.
"They love you." Max said after a moment of silence. "Not only the other drivers and teams but also the fans and the media. They would do anything for you without a second thought."
"If that's what you're thinking, you haven't paid attention." She pointed out, unsure where Max was going.
"Oh, I have paid attention." The Dutchman said. "I've seen all of them just waiting for you to utter a word so they could run and give a thousand interviews for you. Lewis even gave Nico Rosberg of all people an interview for you. It was as if I was the only one who had missed the starting gun." Max told her which caused the Austrian to huff in confusion.
"Do you want to know why they're doing that? Why they're giving interviews and taking sides?" The younger Mercedes driver asked in her media trained voice. Max felt as if she was talking down at him, as if he was a stupid kid, who didn't understand what the grownups were talking about. Being with Joanna for so long, he felt like this so very often. He had hated it.
"Please enlighten me." Max challenged, showing his bratty and bitchy side.
"They own me." Joanna answered as if that was the answer to anything, as if it had been so obvious, that further information wouldn't be needed but the look on Max's face told her that that wasn't the case.
Sometimes she forgot how young Max still was, how young both of them were in comparison to other drivers. Just because Joanna felt as if Max had always been there didn't mean he was. The Dutchman had already survived more years in Formula One than most, but he was still so young. Almost green behind his ears, not concerning driving, nobody could fool him in this domain, but when it came to life. He still sometimes looked at life as if it was a problem to solve.
"I've pulled them out of their own messes so often, they're just returning the favour, which you would see if you wouldn't be so full of yourself. It's not about love, it's about business." Joanna added, but this wasn't the answer the Dutchman wanted to hear, even though he couldn't say what he wanted to hear. Anything, just not that.
"Yeah, sure. It's about business. It's always business with you, isn't it?" He challenged again, his incredible blue eyes were holding a certain coldness to them, Joanna had seen so many times already. Steel blue, ready to ride into battle, or rather drive. She has always admired his strength. The strength to believe in the good in people, the strength to forgive and the strength to love so unconditional with all his heart. Once Max Verstappen considered someone worthy of his loyalty, they would have it for the rest of his life.
"That's the way things work when you want to stay. I know that you can't handle that right now, but there is a difference between me and the person I have to be in the paddock, there has to be." Joanna said, not sharing her thoughts about loyalty with Max.
Deep down Joanna knew no matter how much she would fuck up, no matter how much she would hurt Max, when she needed him, he would be the first person in her corner for the rest of her life. He would always be the first one to reach out to help her up again even though he resents her, maybe even hates her sometimes. That doesn't change the fact that Max had considered Joanna worth of his loyalty.
"A difference I'm no longer sure exists." The Dutchman huffed out.
"Are you for real?" The Austrian wanted to know, tears threatened to fall, but Joanna wouldn't allow herself to cry. But she knew that would Max keep pushing her, she would ultimately lash out with the intention to end it. Joanna would hit him where it hurts and after being together for so long, she knew painfully accurately where to punch to hurt the most. Max had given her this power over him, but he also held a knife to her throat. His words were equally sharp if he wanted to. He was as deadly as her, the only difference was that Max's morals were higher than Joanna's. Always were and always will be. He was the better person after all.
"You're the reason why there is a difference in the first place. You changed me and I hate it, so don't stand there and tell me I'm just the same, that everything was in vain. Don't tell me I'm suffering for no reason." Joanna yelled. She was sure that the people who were lingering around just outside heard every word they said, but she didn't care. She also didn't care about the pathetic ton in her voice or the fear which caused her to plead with Max to say it wasn't what he really thought, what he really saw when he looked at her.
"Maybe you are." Max answered defensively.
"I'm so sick of this. This whole situation." Joanna exclaimed while gesturing around with her hands. "You asked for me, you wanted me to come here ... to do what? To tell me I'm a terrible person and that I'm the reason you're suffering? I'm not your punching bag either, Max. Get over it, or don't get over it, at this point, I don't even care." Joanna told him, her voice finding new strength she didn't know was left in her weakly body, but the shaking had she had lifted to her face to wipe over the side of her nose told another story.
She wasn't confident, not when it was about Max, not when everything was at steak again and again and again. She was just so tried of this situation. She wanted a way out. She was sick of constantly being in a conflict with herself or Max.
Taking a step forward, Joanna wanted to leave the situation, saying something she would regret was the last thing she wanted to do in that moment, but Max's hand around her wrist stopped her.
"Is that your new strategic? You're not winning the argument, so your running, again? Maybe one of your great friends will lend you a shoulder to cry on." He wanted to know, a new kind of fury seemed to bloom in his chest. The Austrian had seen him angry over the time, more often than she ever had wanted, but never this kind of anger. It seemed deeper, the flames seemed to burn hotter and the fire which usually burned in his eyes had turned to frozen steel.
"Stop accusing me of using my friends. They know what they have in me, and I know what I have in them. I was here long before you came along, Max. I have my allies and I have my enemies but at the end of the day we all understand that our lives in this world would be more difficult without each other. Do you believe that they're going to have a great time when I'm gone, suddenly not holding my hand over them in protection? How often did I use my influence to make sure you're protected? That's exact the same thing."
"It isn't!" Max exclaimed. Unable to believe that Joanna was serious right now. There was always a difference. For everyone to see, Joanna must have known that, but as Max pulled her closer to meet her eyes, he only saw that she was telling the truth. She didn't see a difference. For her, it was truly the same.
"Why?" She asked weakly which caused Max to huff in hurt and disbelieve.
"Because you were supposed to love me!!" He yelled back. His chest heavy with the words he just blurred out. He never wanted to go there, he never wanted to hurt Joanna, but something deep inside his soul, something wicked felt good about letting Joanna taste her own medicine.
"You were supposed to love me, Joanna." The Dutchman added. "To see me as your priority, to support me unconditionally. It was supposed to be hard for you to leave me behind and it was supposed to be hard for you to break my heart."
"You're right. It was easy. I fucked up my whole life in about five minutes. It just took all my idiocy. I lashed out, because I was scared. I was scared you would leave me, so the stroke I must have had decided to leave you first." Joanna yelled back, but the bitter expression Max gave her said already enough.
"I asked you to marry me! What the fuck in this world made you think I wanted to leave you!? I asked you to be my wife, my wife Joanna."
"It was just bad timing. And you didn't know, my father's heart had stopped, I was with him all day in the hospital and then I come home, and you proposed, it was just too much." Joanna muttered which caused Max's gaze to change for a moment. He didn't know that. Joanna had seemed tired, but she hadn't muttered a word about how terrible her day was.
"I was sitting next to his wife, the whole day, I saw the terror on her face, the worry and pain she went through and I ... all I could think about was you in her stead. I'm not worth such pain, Max." Joanna cried, not even bothering to whip away her tears any longer.
This wasn't to be mended. Not a place to raise a child. They're so angry, too angry to solve anything. None of them would be happy in that relationship. Sometimes too many stones were laying in someone's way.
"You're not getting out of this so easily. I'm still so ... furious with you. You could have said something, anything. I would have understood. But instead of talking to me, you ran away. You left me behind and this is not a thing to forgive and forget. You disappointed me. Even though I now know you had your reasons." Max pointed out and Joanna had to agree. This was nothing they would ever be able to overcome. The trust was broken. There's simply nothing left to mend together.
"My answer would be different now. Would you ask me, I would say yes." Joanna muttered causing Max to look at her.
"I know." He agreed. The commitment she always feared was resting under her heart now. She would be tied to Max forever thought the love child they were about to raise, there was no need to fear being loved unconditionally any longer.
"But I'm not asking." He added, causing Joanna to swallow. Max was too angry for this conversation and Joanna felt too desperate. Now wasn't the time, all they did was fighting.
"You're so much like your father when you're angry, you know that?" The Austrian asked, watching as Max's face crumpled at the accusation. It always did. That was his weakness. His father.
The Austrian Mercedes driver expected him to lash out as well, to attack now that he got provoked, but Max's voice was calm as he looked at Joanna. She wasn't the first one to use that card to give him a blow, but her blows were always the strongest, with enough desperation behind it. Joanna was one to attack first, to ram a knife into her opponent's torso, before he could even say a word.
Thinking about it, she came a long way. Their conversation had been rather long, she had shown emotions. Max knew that before him, something like that would have never been possible. Joanna had always been damaged, but he was glad that he had helped her a little while she healed herself. He was thankful that she had felt safe enough in his arms to pull all this armour away and heal herself again. He just wished he could have done some more.
"You're always saying that." Max pointed out. "That's exactly the point, that's the reason why we didn't work out. Why we always crash and burn." He added feeling guilt-ridden.
"I thought the reason for that was my constant running away." Joanna challenged, her arms crossed over her shoulder. She was done with the conversation, she just wanted a way out, but Max ignored her jab, he simply shook his head softly.
"That I'm like my father, when you try to hit home when you're lashing out to hurt because you feel cornered. It's always your last line of defence. Telling me that I'm just like him but let's face it J, you're so similar to your father that I often can't see the difference in the way you act." Max said and maybe for the first time in her life, Joanna knew what it felt like to be faced with such an accusation.
Cruelty was a part of her hatefulness for so long, Joanna didn't even know how to fight with someone without it. It was part of her nature. To give the finally blow, to hit home. The Austrian wasn't used to someone hitting back. It felt terrible to know that Max was now just like her and that it had been all her fault. She had ruined the only good thing in her life, the only thing she ever loved laid now shattered on the floor in front of her, but she was still kicking at it. Joanna wanted it to stop, but her body wasn't listening to her. This was what she was supposed to be. Running away from her demons never really worked, because her monsters weren't living under her bed but in her soul.
"I know." She told Max weakly, but the Austrian didn't feel present, as if someone has pulled her under water. "But other than you, I'm not afraid of being like my father because I know that I'm also so oppose of him. I will never be Niki Lauda, just as much as you will never be Jos Verstappen." The Austrian pointed out, suddenly soft again.
Her words were harsh, cutting, but Max could see in the way she held herself that her intention wasn't to hurt, but to guide. She tried to safe him from the hell she suffered, but it was her hell and not his. Max hell looked different.