My eyes slowly crept open as I woke up. I instantly hugged my knees into my chest and put my head down trying to pull myself away from the world all together. "Kenzie." I could hear Luke's soft voice calling my name. This must still be a dream, an effect of the drugs in my system because he's in Australia. Or at least he should be. "Michael I think she's waking up." When I realised it wasn't a dream I tried to move myself even further away. Seeing as my plan wasn't working I chose instead to sit up and crawl up to the top of my bed curling up and dropping my chin to rest on my knees. When Michael tried to move closer to me I moved further away and he stopped still. The hurt in his eyes was unmistakeable but he didn't understand what was going on inside my head right now. "What are you doing here?" My voice was raw and raspy and burnt worse than hell.
"I told you I'd be on the first flight over. The others are downstairs asleep on the couch."
"You should be at home with your family before you leave. I've got Stephen and Lindsey, I'll be fine." It really hurt me to push them away when I needed them most but there was no way I was losing them as well. I'd rather push them away.
"Kenzie you are our family, not just mine but all of ours."
"No I'm not, my family is dead now and I refuse to lose you all to. Just leave please." My voice cracked as I pushed myself off the bed walking on unsteady legs and into the bathroom. The door was still broken from where Stephen had burst through, the razor blade still in the sink and the sleeping pills still on the floor. I cleaned them away and put them back into the cabinet before getting into the shower. The cold of the water both relaxed me and woke me up so when I stepped out my brain was fully active and working at a hundred miles per hour. I pulled on my shiny red boxing shorts, a sports bra and a jacket which I left unzipped before getting to work. If my body is active, then my brain is pre-occupied, which is exactly what I want.
I went through the medicine cabinet throwing out any medicine that was no good before tidying the kitchen. It took three hours to go through the house from top to bottom cleaning every single room and throwing out anything I no longer needed but I left all of my parents stuff exactly where it was. It was too difficult to go through their stuff yet. I then went for a run and ran about eight miles before getting sick of all the sympathetic looks and stupid photographers so I headed home and went down to the basement where I wouldn't be bothered. I wrapped my hands and took all of my frustration out onto the punching bag before my body could barely hold itself up anymore. I pushed my body past the point of exhaustion and then past breaking point but I didn't stop. My legs started to tremble and my arms felt like lead weights and I was just about to hit the floor when somebody caught me and I was staring up into familiar blue eyes. I instantly pulled away and backed myself into a random corner of the room. "Why are you pushing us away, we only want to help? Take a break and come sit with us and talk. It's okay to grieve." He reassured. I really wanted to, trust me there was nothing more I wanted than to cry but after years of hiding your emotions it's not exactly something that comes easily.
"That is the last thing I need right now. I need to keep going, I can't stop." I then chose to do high knee sprints up and down the stairs. How I managed I could never tell you but I did.
"Kenzie the funerals tomorrow do you really think this is what you need right now, to be pushing everyone away?"
"It's exactly what I need."
I don't remember stopping or getting changed or even going to bed last night but when I awoke that was what had happened. To be honest I probably passed out from exhaustion which would explain why I couldn't remember. My outfit was already hanging from the curtain pole and a sense of loneliness and sadness filled my system.
Today is my final goodbye.
The service seemed to go by so quick I thought I had missed half of it before it was time for me to present my eulogy. I took to the stand looking out across everyone in front of me unfolding the small, dreaded piece of paper in my hand. "Not many people knew my parents behind what they heard in newspapers or online. Not many people cared about them apart from the money they made. Me on the other hand, I was lucky enough to get a chance to see under earth all of that, they were good, hardworking and kind people who held love for almost everybody they met. For me it was an honour to say I had met them." My voice was still very raspy and I was on the verge of tears but held them back. "Although I know they will be greatly missed by their friends and family I know heaven only takes the best and that is why they took my parents. They'll be up there right now looking down on us and thinking to themselves why are they all crying? We shouldn't cry about the fact they're gone but should celebrate the life they lived. Every body's time must come and everything must happen for a reason. My parents are up there now seeing my brother once again so we should be happy for them and not crying. I don't know if any of you in here have ever seen the fault in our stars but at the end Hazel Lancaster says funerals are for the living and I couldn't agree more. That is why today is a day when it's okay to cry and grieve and mourn but then tomorrow we all pick ourselves back up and make sure we do them proud. I know that's what I'm doing and I can only ask you to do the same. They deserve that from us after all of the great and wonderful things they have done." That was possibly the shortest eulogy ever but I didn't want to share my memories with everyone. My memories were something that I wanted to treasure, not share them with every Tom, Dick and Harry. I walked back away and down to my seat as we sung the final hymn.
When the ceremony was over and the bodies had been sent off for cremation I tried my best to avoid the many people trying to say sorry and give me sympathy but all I wanted was to get going so I found Stephen and walked behind him. Being stood with him meant that not many people would come talk to me, which I was glad of. When I stepped outside I was furious to find reporters stood outside trying to get photos for their stupid stories. Instead of allowing Stephen to direct me away from them like he wanted I lost my temper and I walked right through the middle of them shoulder barging one of the women and making her drops all of her notes into a puddle. She's lucky I didn't knock her into the bloody puddle. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" She spat. She didn't know it was me because I had my hood up and head down.
"I think that should be the question I'm asking you, should it not? A young girl has just lost her parents and you're worried about a few sheets of paper."
"That's got nothing to do with me. I don't give a fuck as long as I get a story." I looked up at her pulling my hood down and letting her see my face. "I'm sorry." She was quick to apologise as all the other reporters gathered round us writing down everything that had just been said.
"I thought you didn't give a fuck. Don't bother fucking with me; I have no time for bitches like you anyway." That snapped her.
"Bitches like me, I'm trying to do my job and if you hadn't been such a bitch in the first place none of this would have happened." I shrugged going to walk away so as not to get into a fight but she pulled me back into the middle of the ring. She just doesn't know when to leave good enough alone. If she's not careful she's going to learn the hard way. "If you're such a great boxer like I've heard why don't we deal with it that way." She had a challenging look in her eye and I knew she was just doing it for a story but I couldn't have cared less.
"You really don't want to do that." I chuckled dryly.
"Why not? Too scared?" She mocked.
"No because you're fighting a person with nothing left to lose. A person with nothing left to lose is always guaranteed to win." There was a chorus of ooh's from all around us but I stood perfectly still waiting for her to hit me. I wasn't making the first move and giving her the satisfaction of writing about it. When she had gotten a few punches in I started to fight back. I brought my knee up into her stomach and she doubled over gasping for breath as I walked away pushing through the crowds of people who I really couldn't be bothered with right now and joined Stephen in the car. "Hey you alright?" He asked placing his hand on my shoulder.
"I will be can you drop me off at the beach please." He was hesitant but didn't object as he drove me to the beach before driving off home. I took off my shoes and socks and walked barefoot onto the sand taking a seat on the wet sand and looking out over the sea. Nobody else was around on a cold, wet day like this so it was peaceful to finally be alone. It didn't last long though because only an hour later Luke walked up and took a seat beside me. "That reporter had it coming before you say anything." I said not wanting him to lecture me on it like I suspected he would.
"I know that's not what I came to talk about. I want to know why you took five sleeping tablets and there was a razor in the sink? You should have talked to me."
"I was stopping myself from being a danger; if I'm asleep I can't do any damage. I did what had to be done. I can't deal with any more deaths, I'm better off alone." I went to move away but he grabbed me and pulled me into his side.
"Pushing everyone away won't stop them dying, everyone dies eventually." He whispered kissing my forehead.
"No but they might live a bit longer." I mumbled trying to pull away again but his grip only tightened.
"What are you on about this wasn't your fault."
"Yes it was. I should have listened to my dad and not gone to my fight, then they wouldn't have got in that damn car and would still be alive. It's just another one to add to my guilty conscious."
"What are you on about?" His grip slackened so that I could turn to look at him tears welling in my eyes and I tried to hold them back. If he wanted to know then he could know everything. Like I said to the reporter I have nothing left to lose so what difference does it make if he knows now?
"Jordan wasn't in the army. He was a royal marine and only signed up because I did but I didn't pass weight restrictions. He didn't even want to be a fucking marine and it cost him his life. He died because of me. My friend that I told you crashed his car became paralysed and took his own life. He died because of me. His girlfriend then did the exact same thing and specifically left me a note saying I was to blame. She died because of me. Now my parents are dead because I wanted to go to a stupid boxing match. They died BECAUSE OF ME!" I couldn't put enough emphasis on the words finally pulling out of his grasp but not moving away. He had no words left to say anymore as he processed the information I had given him. "I don't want you to die as well." He moved to kneel in front of me gently grabbing my face and guiding it upwards to look at him.
"Hey don't worry. I'm not dying any time soon and I'm not giving up on you either." He pressed his lips to mine leaning me back onto the sand so he was hovering over me. "I love you Kenzie." He mumbled against my lips.
"I love you too." When he pulled away he picked me up bridal style and carried me to the car driving us both home. "I thought you couldn't drive."
"I have my Australian license." He shrugged as I leant my head against the window. When I got in I saw Stephen getting his suitcase down from the loft and I almost started crying at the thought of him leaving me. "Where are you going?" I stuttered out.
"Well I didn't think you'd want me here anymore. Besides I think that the best thing for you to do is go on tour with the boys."
"What the fuck, no. This is your house now just as much as it is mine. Even if I do go I'm still going to need you to look after Lindsey and Kayla and make sure every thing's in order for me getting back but I'm not going anywhere. Put the suitcase back." He still proceeded in getting down the suitcase and then I realised it wasn't his but mine instead.
"Pack a bag you fly to Australia at 0700 if you want, the boys have already worked it out with Marie. It's up to you what happens now." I turned around to see Luke's pleading eyes. I could hear light laughter floating up from downstairs and remembered how happy they all made me feel. My head started to spin as I tried to make up my mind. "I don't know yet so don't get your hopes up." I warned as I took my suitcase into my room hearing him only two paces behind me as he shut the door running up behind me and hugging me tightly as we fell onto the bed. "Hey I didn't say I was coming yet why are you hugging me?" I giggled. Being with him made me forget everything and I could do with a little more of that.
"Because I love you." We were lying in bed cuddled in to each other when I had an idea. "I'll make you a deal?" I suggested and he sat up criss-crossed facing me.
"Go on." He urged a twinkle of curiosity in his eyes.
"I'll come to Australia with you if you come to the tattoo parlour with me right now. No promises about your tour but I'll definitely think about it."
"Deal." He replied before the words had barely had a chance to leave my mouth. "Wait it's nearly midnight the tattoo shop won't be open this late." He sighed.
"I know of an all-night one not too far from here. The only thing is it'll take a few hours and we still have to get showered and everything yet." I was starting to second guess my choice.
"Fine well get everything into the car, get showered, get your tattoo then meet the boys at the airport." He had a plan already as though he knew I would say something like that. "I'm first in the shower." He giggled pecking me on the lips before leaving. I quickly wrote a note explaining where we were before getting myself into some clean clothes and finishing packing my suitcase. This is my new beginning and my chance to fix myself and nothing will stop me from taking it.
It didn't take long until we had finished our breakfast and had to leave. When we got in the car it was all open roads as we blasted music through the car speakers. His hand rested over the top of mine on the gear stick as we watched the sun rise ahead of us as we raced down the road to a new start. I tore my eyes away from the road watching Luke but making sure to watch the road in my peripheral vision. "Luke." He looked at me. "I never got the chance to tell you this but I forgive you." He smiled and I looked back to the road the airport looming above us the others in clear view waving at my car with smiles on their faces.
"Ready?" Michael asked as we pulled out bags behind us into check in.
"No." I replied honestly. "But what's life without a little risk?"
Hey Guys! As promised I updated still updated today. I kinda feel sorry for Kenzie over the last few chapters. Please, please, please vote and comment. I really need to know whether you guys are enjoying this story because I'm getting really busy with coursework and homework and if you aren't enjoying this I'm thinking of just stopping it. I might as well use my free time to keep on top of my work rather than write something that nobody's interested in or bothered about. Love all you guys.