#RW01
Play the song above for a better reading experience :)
Rock N Roll - Avril Lavigne
Rockstar
There was a phase in my life where I dreamed to be a pop rock princess like Avril Lavigne and so to fulfill that fantasy, I started my own band.
In my heart, I'm an old soul, a sucker for rock music, a fan of chickflick films, a cat lover, and a bookworm. Never really thought of my gender identity and who I was as a person.
"When it's you and me. We don't need no one to tell us who to be. We'll keep turning up the radio," I sang while playing my electric guitar. "What if you and I. Just put up a middle finger to the sky. Let 'em know that we're still rock 'n' roll." With a smile on my face, I raised both my middle finger in the air
The sound of the drums, keyboard, and bass all together filled my ears. I banged my head to the beat of the music. I held my mic and looked at my bandmates who were passionately playing, head banging, jumping around, dancing like the world's about to end.
Even if it's only just the four of us early in the morning in my garage with no audience at all, it felt like we're in a concert in front of millions of people.
"Everybody! Put your hands in the air and sing it with me!" I shouted, almost losing breath from all the jumping. My fingers were in a rock sign. "Rock 'n' Roll! Hey, hey, hey! Rock 'n' Roll! Hey, hey, hey!"
And in the last beat, I raised my mic and smiled while catching my breath. We were all breathless but not exhausted, rather excited to play another song again. I fixed the long microphone wire that I almost tripped in the middle of our performance then placed it back on the mic stand.
"That was fucking amazing!" I exclaimed. "Man, let's do that again."
"Can we take a break for a minute Irene? We've already performed five songs straight without breaks," my guitarist, Dixie said
"Yeah dude. My fingers are killing me," Jude, assigned in the keyboard
I looked behind my drummer, Stell. He wiped his sweat and put down his drumsticks. He then took off his shirt. "Man, it's also hot in here," he complained, wiping his sweat with his shirt
I fanned myself and put my long, blonde hair on my shoulder. Beads of sweat fell down on my forehead. "Yeah, the fan's broken."
"Why can't we just open the garage?" Jude asked
"I told you many times, we'll disturb the neighbors. Remember what happened last time? Mrs. Barker, the old lady next door, rushed to our garage with a garden fork on her hand then threw a tantrum. That shit terrified me."
I still remember her scowl face and scary aura like she reminds me of my terror teacher in highschool.
They laughed. "She was crazy."
"Well, she still lives here. No plans to move out."
"We can just practice at night," suggested Dixie
I took a seat in one of our huge speakers. "Uh, we can't. I tried once and I was shocked because in less than an hour, I saw a police outside my door. Someone must have reported me, who knows who," I sarcastically said and they knew I was implying Mrs. Barker. "My mom found out and she scolded me. Long story short, she forbids me to practice late at night. I hate it because honestly, I prefer practicing at night where everyone's asleep but I realized that I'm living with my family."
"Well, that sucks. How can we practice now?" asked Stell
I looked at each one of them. They avoided my gaze and brought their attention to something else.
"We don't have space at my house," replied Dixie
"Me too," Jude agreed
"Stell?" I asked him
"My parents are strict too."
I let out an exasperated sigh. "Fuck. Whatever. Let's just keep on going." I finally stood up and went to the center. I heard them groaned. My brows furrowed. "What? Are you guys tired already?"
"Well, obviously," Dixie replied
"I'm not. How can you be tired? I'm literally singing and playing guitar at the same time. Come on," I scoffed
She rolled her eyes. "How about we switch positions?"
I held my mic and placed my hand on my hip. "Can you even sing?"
"I'm sure you guys can tell who's the better vocalist here," she said confidently and looked at everyone
They only shook their heads and sigh.
"That's why we have roles here. There's a vocalist, guitarist, drummer, and a keyboard. Let's not fight about this guys," Jude calmed the situation
"Yeah, and the heat makes us irritated too," Stell said and picked up his drum sticks. "Let's play one more and call it a day."
I looked at him. "We're not yet done. Let's play three more.
"But-"
They were too late to complain cause I already played the music again. This time, I turned up the volume. It got louder than our first performance which made me energized. A rush of adrenaline inside me kicked in. I flipped my hair on my back and held the mic, with my feet a few inches apart.
"Let's take this seriously now. One...two. One, two, three! Let 'em know that we're still rock 'n' roll-"
The beat dropped and the bad has come to life once again. I hyped them up so we can bring more energy. We're almost at the chorus, the most awaited part, but all of a sudden, we heard a banging on the door. I ignored it and continued to sing. The banging got louder. I heard Stell, called me from behind.
"I think someone's calling you Irene," Jude shouted
I was so immersed with music that I didn't even realized that the band stopped playing as well as the music. I shut my eyes tightly and sighed. I hate it when the music stops when it's almost at my favorite part.
"Irene-"
"I got it. I got it." With my mic still in my hands, I walked towards the door and opened it. I wasn't surprised anymore to see mom standing behind it. "Yes?"
She crossed her arms over her chest then looked at the band behind me. I immediately held the door, blocking her view.
"No entering mom."
"I just want to check if everything's-"
"Everything is alright."
She sighed. "You guys were too loud again. One of the neighbors complained."
The mention of that neighbor already made me sick in the stomach.
"And I came here just to inform you that your time is up for today. Lagpas na rin kayo sa oras na binigay ko."
My lips parted. "What? But we just started. Right guys?" I looked at them behind me and they didn't help me at all. I looked at the time on the clock and muttered a curse. She's right. We're overtime. "Can we extend please?"
She shook her head. "Pinagbigyan na kita noon."
"But mom-"
"An hour is already enough. You can play again next week."
"I mean, one hour every week? That's not enough."
"We already talked about this Irene. I already let you guys play here. Ano pa bang-"
I ran my fingers through my hair. "Okay. Fine. Tapos na kami. We're just gonna clean up."
She seemed satisfied with my answer. I thought she was going to leave but she looked inside the garage again.
"After you guys are done, you can go inside and have some snacks," she offered my friends
"Aww, thank you tita but I actually have to go home now. My parents are looking for me," Dixie said
"Me too Mrs. Vergara. I still have to go somwhere," Jude said
Stell stood up. "And I have training later too."
Mom simply smiled. "Okay. I understand. Ingat kayo pauwi."
They smiled back. "Thank you po."
When mom left, we all in a hurry to clean up since some of them needs to go.
"You guys can go now. I can finish up here." I picked up the guitar and placed it back inside the case
"You sure?"
I nodded.
They looked at each other and smiled. "Thanks for today Irene. Goodbye!"
I smiled a little. "Thank you din. I'll see you guys next.."
But they already walked away together before they can hear my last words.
"Week.." I sighed
As soon as I finished cleaning up, I went back inside the house. I was about to go upstairs to my room to wash up and change my sweaty clothes but then my mom called me to eat. I had no choice but to follow.
"Kumain ka na muna," she said when I sat down on the chair in front of her. I looked at the food she prepared. I took one stick of banana cue. I saw my dad watching news in the living room
"How's your concert today sweetheart?" he asked
I chuckled. "It was amazing dad!"
"You don't sound tired at all," he said, a bit surprised
"Not at all."
"Is this what you plan to do all summer?"
I shifted my gaze back to mom. "What?"
"To play with your band every week in our garage?"
"Well, we're preparing for something big. We joined a contest where there's a cash prize. I want to win it to add to my savings and hopefully, attend concerts."
"Summer is almost over anak. You're off to college soon. Do you already have a course in mind and where to study for college?"
"Uh, I don't care where. If I'll study in manila then I'd want to get a dorm."
Right. I want to move out of the house and have my own place to stay so I can play with my band freely with no interruptions.
"Instead of going to a concert, why don't you save up money for college?"
I gulped. "I can't miss Paramore's concert."
She raised her brows. "At sa tingin mo papayag ako pumunta ka mag-isa?"
"Of course I'm with my friends. Dad can drive us at the venue too."
Ugh! I swear I would throw a fit if she won't let me attend the concert.
She took a sip from her tea. "I'm just saying that you should save up money for things more important. Back to my question, what course do you plan to take? Para mapaghandaan na namin ng papa mo."
"I don't know yet. I'm only sixteen mom. I still-" I paused. "I mean, I enjoy singing with my band."
"You want to do music?"
Do I?
I bit my lip. "I don't know. It's just a hobby...like reading too."
I don't really think I'd take up accountancy like my older brother. I hate math. I'm honestly not the best at singing so I highly doubt if I have a career in music or if anyone would sign me a label.
"You're only sixteen. I'm sure you'll change your mind."
Yes, I'm only sixteen so there's no need to pressure me.
"I just want to enjoy life at the moment.."
"Whatever our Irene chooses, we'll support you," Dad said that made me feel better. "Just enjoy life at the same time, focus on your studies. It's all about balance."
I looked at him and smiled. "Thanks dad."
After eating, I got upstairs and went inside my room. I went to the bathroom and took a bath.
"Oh my God. I can't believe my hair looks ugly already," I sighed while looking at the mirror. It's been months since I dyed my hair blonde and the roots were starting to grow and became visible. My hot pink highlights already faded
After putting on some clothes, I blow dried my hair and brushed it religiously hoping it would look better but when I checked the mirror again, it didn't. It looked dry as fuck.
"I wouldn't dye my hair at this age if it wasn't for you.." I pointed at my Avril Lavigne poster on my wall. "And you.." I then pointed at my Paramore's poster. There were other posters as well like Coldplay, The 1975, and Green Day.
I roamed my eyes around my room. I created it like my own fantasy space. Well, not literally..but this is where I make magic happens.
And my favorite part of it was my big bookshelves filled with books. Under it were old CD's. I like to listen to older music. Coldplay, My Chemical Romance, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Paramore, Queen, and other famous rock bands back in the days.
Sucks that some of them were thrown away. Even if there's spotify or youtube, I still like to collect them and play them with my vintage cd player. I stood up and played some music while I read. My cat Lucy, was chilling in her cushion.
With my book on my hand, I jumped on my bed and opened the book. I was currently reading a fantasy romance novel with a little bit of smut in it and I was enjoying every bit of it. There's always something about fantasy that captivates me.
Aside from being a rockstar, I also wanted to be like those strong female protagonist in a fantasy novel that's in a life and death situation to save her kingdom and I would meet a dark, dashing man that is my rival and we'd fall madly in love but end up killing each other in the end.
Maybe in my past life, I was like that.
"Oh my God! Is she going to kiss him? With a knife pointed against his abdomen?" I gasped. "The sexual tension is rising. It's getting hot in here!" I sat up and fanned myself, still holding tightly on my book. My jaw already hurts from smiling in anticipation as I slowly read each word. I didn't realize I was holding my breath...then I let out a disappointed when nothing happened at all.
I slumped back into bed and still continued to read. I yawned and slowly I can feel my eyelids getting heavier. As usual, I fell asleep and the book fell flat on my face.
And in my dreams, I lived in two worlds...where I became a rockstar and a warrior.
***
"Yeah, last night, I had the most wildest dream." I told my brother Ivan when we're alone in the backyard. He was fixing the bird house I recently broke
"Wild you mean?" he smirked
I lightly punched his arm. He grunted. "You're so dirty minded."
"I'm kidding."
"Anyway, that was not my dream. I forgot all the details but all I remember that it was so epic and full of adventures. It's so weird but at the same time, so cool," I smiled
He pounded the nail unto the wood with a hammer. "Yeah. Maybe you can write a book about it."
"It would be a fucking bestseller novel. I can't even describe it in words but I can picture it in my head."
"Stop cursing," he scolded all of a sudden
I rolled my eyes. "I can curse whenever I want to."
He shook his head. "Such a brat."
"By the way, I borrowed one of your speakers and headphones the other day. Don't worry! I didn't break it, okay? Chill. We had our band practice."
He looked at me with wide eyed and his lips turned pale. "You went inside my room?!" his voice raised
"No! Ew! Why would I? You're the one who gave it to me since you forbid me to enter your room. Remember?"
He blinked a couple of times then soon realized it. "Oh, right. Glad you thought of returning it or else I'd kill you."
I snorted. "Arte. You must be hiding something in your room," I said in a sneaky tone
He sighed and went back to work. "You're crazy."
I chortled. "You're eighteen Kuya and you have a girlfriend. I'm sure you're not a virgin anymore."
He sat there frozen as if I said something bad. I noticed how he got all red. I didn't know if it was anger or embarrassment but I couldn't help but to laugh.
"Shut your dirty little mouth Irene. Kapag tayo narinig ni mama, lagot ka," he warned
"So it's true!"
"How do you even know that?"
I rolled my eyes. "Obviously. I'm not dumb not to know these things."
"At sixteen? You need Jesus!"
I looked up at the sky and posed like an angel acting like I didn't say something unholy.
"You must be reading a lot of porn and listening to music that has awful lyrics. You have no idea how bad that influences you," his voice turned serious
I frowned. "What the hell? I'm not reading porn and my music taste is better than you!" I shot back. "You're the one who watches porn and watches music videos with women shaking their asses."
His jaw dropped by how vulgar my words were. I soon realized it didn't sound right. I swallowed hard and inhaled deeply.
"Language Irene," he hissed. He was already standing in front of me and gave me a death glare. I wasn't sure if it's because my words attacked him personally or the fact I just shouted at him. Well, it was normal for us to fight like this. I, was mostly the reason.
"I'm-"
"You know what? The books you read have such a bad effect on you. You're too young to be reading adult stuffs and dressing up years older than your age."
I clenched my fist in anger while glaring at him. I can't believe he just insulted my taste in books, music, and my sense of fashion too?! Is he really my brother?
"Stop looking at me like that," he said
My blood began to boil and I can feel the steam rising in my head. I wanted to just walk out and leave him but I wouldn't go home without a fight. And so the next words that abruptly came out of my mouth left him speehless.
"I hate you! You're so boring and mean! Your birdhouse is ugly! You're such a loser!"
Then I turned my heel and walked as fast as I could back inside our house. I didn't bother to look at his reaction. I was so pissed! I ended up locking myself inside my room all day.
"Fuck this! I want to move out of here!" I let out all my frustrations and anger in my room. I thought I can finally attain peace but all my emotions just got clouded inside of here to the point I can hear the thunderstorms above me
My books caught my attention. It was arranged perfectly from color to genre to size. I wish my life was organized just like my books. My vision became blurry. I thought I was about to pass out due to my anger but turns out they were tears. I didn't let them fall.
To feel better, I grabbed the headphones I borrowed from my brother, laid in bed, and listened to music in my ipod
***
A week later, I texted my bandmates to practice again but until now, they haven't replied. I was already in the garage, waiting for them to come. Everything was set up. My week has been shitty and I desperately wanted to perform again with them.
"Fuck."
They weren't opening my message on pur group chat. It's almost 6pm in the evening. Our practice was suppose to be at 3pm. While waiting, I did vocal warm ups. I almost dropped my mic when my phone beeped. I grabbed it and saw their messages.
Dixie: Hey Irene! I'm sorry for replying this late. Unfortunately, I can't come today. I'm feeling under the weather. I hope you understand. Xoxo.
Jude: I can't cone to the practice too. I've been busy applying for college. I don't think I'll come to our next sessions. I'm sorry gal.
My heart felt heavy upon reading their messages. I wish they told me sooner instead of wasting my time here waiting for them to come. I would understand. Instead of feeling down, I felt ten times worse.
"Irene?"
I stopped when I heard a familiar voice. I looked up and I was surprised to see Stell. He came to our practice! I looked at my phone again and realized he was the only one left who didn't leave a reply. My hopes went high by his appearance. I stood up and walked towards him. He remained outside the garage. He was wearing a blue hoodie, sweatpants, and slippers. His hair was a bit messy. This wasn't his usual look during practice.
"Hey! I'm so glad you came today! I didn't expect you'd show up but thank you!" I smiled
He smiled back but it seemed force. He rubbed the back of his neck and avoided my gaze. "Hey listen, uhmm.." he couldn't form the right words to say, as if he's holding back
My brows furrowed. "Hey. What's wrong? Is everything alright?" I asked worriedly
"Yeah. Everything's cool. It's j-just that...I have something to t-tell you."
"Sure. What is it?"
He swallowed hard. I noticed he was a bit tensed and nervous. He took a deep breath and finally looked at me in the eyes.
"I want to quit."
There was a long pause before I spoke. I blinked twice. "What?"
"Don't get me wrong. I love being in a band. I love being a drummer. I love music...but it's just not working anymore," he explained
"What...what do you mean it's not working? We're doing okay. We're making progress."
"Are we really? None of us even have any background in music. I don't think-"
"That's why we practice," I replied. "I know sometimes, we're not satisfied with our performance that's because we only practice once a week, for an hour. We just need to put more time and effort."
"I know that but I just have a lot on my plate right now and I don't have time for practice anymore. I'm off to college soon. I want to prioritize my future and I don't think I have a future in...a band," he almost choked on his last words
"Come on Stell. We need you. Don't give up now. Why quit now when the competition is right around the corner? Are you losing interest and motivation? Do you think our band won't win?" I asked and took a step closer to him. "I believe in us. I believe we can win that cash prize."
He looked into my eyes and all I could see was sadness in his. "Are you just doing this for the money?"
I gulped. "What?"
He cleared his throat and put his eyes inside the pocket of his hoodie. "If you're only doing music for the money then it won't lead you to anywhere but if you're doing it because you're passionate about it, then you will go far ahead than you expected to."
And that hit me. My gaze lowered down on the ground as I recalled his words. "It's summer. I'm bored as hell. That's how my summer always been. I was inspired by my idol musicians so out of curiosity, I picked up a microphone and started to sing. I thought they look so cool. I studied the way they performed and one day, I had a dream that I was a rockstar. There wasn't any goal. I just let myself enjoy it, to pass time, and to kill boredom."
"I understand. Music is just a hobby for me, same with our bandmates. We didn't consider it as a career," he said. "And you?"
I lifted my eyes to him. "I don't know. I'm not doing this for fame."
"And about the competition? We might gain attention if we'll win the title."
My lips twitched. "Yeah."
I wanted my money. The reason why I joined the competition because there was a cash prize. I can use that money to move out of the house.
"I'm sorry Irene. I know you're probably mad that's why I was hesitant to tell you this," he said and I felt the sincerity in his voice. "But I'll support you if you still want to pursue it. Goodluck."
I couldn't smile at him and accept it just like that. Deep down, I was upset and disappointed at him. He just wasted my time.
"I'll find a better drummer than you then. Goodluck in college," the bitterness in my voice was evident
His mouth gaped opened then his jaw clenched. "Goodluck in finding one. Find a better one that will win you that cash prize. I don't really care about the money anyway. It's not a waste."
I balled my fist. "Oh I will," I mocked
He nodded and slowly walked backwards. "And I think you might want to look a replacement for the guitar and keyboards. They're not here to tell you but I heard they talked about leaving the band."
My body stiffened by what he said, as if the world stopped beneath my eyes. There's a lump forming inside my throat and I didn't know if he heard what I said. "All of a sudden? What? Did you plan this?"
"No. Maybe it was just coincidence." I can barely hear his words because he was already a few meters away, ready to leave. "But I wanted to personally tell you so you won't get your hopes up and you can find a new replacement to fill in our shoes. There's still time so goodluck, Irene."
Those were his last words before he turned around and walked away, slowly disappeared in my sight.
This week has been hell and today is the worst!
I felt betrayed and disappointed. Rage consumed inside of me and I dwelled on it for the next couple of days. They all left one by one. I lost all hope and motivation. I wanted to prove them wrong. I should be looking for a new replacement but I didn't know anyone that wants to join. I didn't give up and searched in the internet. I posted on public music group pages. Some were interested while others were scammers. I was still desperate and time was slowly running out.
The next day, someone sent me a message. I found some guys to recruit. They were all older than me and had more experience. We had a deal. I have to pay them every practice and also split the money if we won. I declined because I didn't have money to pay them in the first place and I thought they would just take advantage of me. The worst case scenario that could possibly happen is if my parents find out about it. They'd kill me for sure!
I woke up when my phone vibrated in my hand. I opened my eyes a little and was blinded by the brightness of my phone. It was 2am in the morning. A date appeared in my screen. Yesterday was the day of the competition. Fuck. I missed it. Looking for new bandmates ate up my time that made me forget about it.
My body felt heavy and restless but I forced myself to stand up. The floor was cold when my feet touched it. I held my back cause it hurt while I limp towards my bathroom. I opened the switch and the first thing that caught my attention were the bottle of hair dyes on the sink. I remember I bought different colors of temporary hair dye in preparation for the competition. I wanted to look at least, a rockstar, especially my hair.
I went closer to it and picked up one. There were pink, red, green, and purple highlights. I then looked at myself on the mirror and that made all my senses come alive by how hideous I look. Instead of a rockstar, I look like a ghost. I brushed my hair using my fingers. It felt dry and frizzy. It didn't feel like hair at all.
"This isn't gonna work Irene."
I look far from a rockstar. I wanted to look like one but now, I guess I have to change it. Without hesitation, I took the scissors inside the drawer and decided to cut my hair off. I took a deep breath before cutting it. My hair was thick and long so it took me a while. My heart was pounding inside my chest, nervous that I might mess it up. I kept the length just under my breasts. It was uneven so I took my time and made sure to trim the edges evenly. I looked at my long hair that I just cut. I should probably donate it.
I didn't want to add temporary highlights in my hair. I wanted my natural hair color black and thankfully, I bought a permanent black hair color. It was a bit crazy for me to decide to dye my hair at 2am but I guess that was the only way for me to cope and to finally accept everything that happened.
After an hour, the whole hair process was done. For the final result, I took a mirror selfie. I fixed my hair and it was still a bit uneven but whatever. I felt better. I felt great. I felt more free.
Before I say goodbye, there was a short flashback inside my mind that felt like a movie. I thought I can finally fulfill my fantasty of being a rockstor even just for a short period period of time through that contest. I imagined myself performing live in front of an audience and them singing it with me. Then coming home, tired but happy as I remove my make-up and wash out my hair dye...but I woke up and realized it was just a dream. Maybe it was never meant for me, that it' was just a silly little dream. Maybe in the next life, I will.
For documentary purposes, I also filmed myself using my phone so I can look back to my cringey but memorable moments in my life.
"Hello losers. It's currently 2:45am in the morning right now. I look like shit. I haven't slept for days because I was busy with, uh, well, shit happened. Life goes on," my voice echoed in the walls. "Anyway, this is the last day of me being a rockstar. I was a rockstar for a two months during this summer vacation. I would like to thank myself and my idols. It's sad to let everything go but it was fun while it lasted. I'm looking forward to who to become next. Stay tuned."
Today, I finally let go of my dream in becoming a rockstar.
But in my head, I'm still living it.