When Sebastian returned to his flat, Harvey was sprawled out across the sofa, watching a film on their second hand TV, a mug of coffee between his palms. When his eyes met Sebastian's, he beamed up at him with a bright smile, "Well, look who finally-"
"Please don't." Sebastian shoved Harvey's legs aside, and collapsed onto the sofa beside him.
"What?" Harvey laughed, "Not a good shag?"
Sebastian rolled his eyes, snatching Harvey's coffee out of his hands, and taking a gulp, "A great shag." He murmured, "Bloody brilliant, actually."
Harvey's smile somehow grew even bigger, and he reached forward to ruffle Sebastian's hair, "That's my boy."
"Don't congratulate me." Sebastian scolded, "We're not fifteen."
"No, but until last night, you were practically a born again virgin. This is a big deal-"
"It's not." Sebastian snapped, "Why are you so chirpy? It's annoying."
"Because, my dear friend, this is the first Saturday morning since I was sixteen that I haven't spent hungover." He grinned, "I feel great. I think you're onto something, with this whole sober thing."
Sebastian glared at him, "You do realise that I don't enjoy being sober, right?"
Harvey seemed to instantly realise his mistake, panic flashing in his dark eyes, "Shit, sorry, I didn't-"
"It's fine." Sebastian snapped, "I'm just...I'm on edge. Sorry."
"You okay?" Harvey pressed, his voice softening.
Sebastian nodded. He didn't know how to explain to Harvey all the things that were wrong with him. All the reasons why he wasn't okay. He thought about Declan, and immediately felt guilty again. "I'm going for a shower." He murmured, finishing the rest of Harvey's coffee before pushing himself off the sofa.
"Seb." Harvey said softly, "You can...y'know..." He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, "You can talk to me."
He couldn't. Because Harvey wouldn't understand. Sebastian barely understood himself. "Thanks." He offered his roommate a weak smile, then disappeared into the bathroom.
He felt like he was washing away another mistake as the hot water scolded his skin. Declan wasn't a mistake, but everything Sebastian had felt was. Because he wasn't meant to feel soft around the edges when he looked at a boy like Declan. He wasn't meant to feel like his heart was going to jump right out of his chest. He wasn't meant to feel like his mouth was dry, and his palms were sweaty, and his skin was buzzing. He wasn't meant to feel any of it because it was nothing short of a betrayal. A betrayal to Alex, to Felix, to himself.
He couldn't hurt anyone else. He refused to hurt anyone else.
And he would. If he let Declan in, he would.
Because that's what Sebastian did. He hurt people. He tore them apart. He destroyed them.
He was a monster.
And Declan deserved better.
When he got out of the shower, he stumbled, and had to grab onto the towel rack for support. The water was too hot. His skin was itching, and his heart was burning, and his lungs were collapsing. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't see. He couldn't stand.
He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around himself, squeezing his eyes shut as he counted to ten.
He tried not to cry. He counted to ten again. He thought about Declan's laugh. He thought about Felix's smile. He counted to fifteen. He started to cry. Then he sobbed. He tried to think about Alex, but he couldn't picture his face, and it felt like the world was crashing down around him. He counted to five. He stopped. He couldn't remember what came after five.
"Seb!" Harvey's voice cut through the fog that filled Sebastian's head. He banged on the bathroom door, "Sebastian!" He called, his voice tight, more serious than Sebastian had ever heard it, "I'm coming in!"
Sebastian didn't try and block the door. He didn't try and hide his tear stained face. He didn't try and pretend to be okay.
Harvey told him to breathe. He took him by the shoulders, and held him in place. He counted to ten, and Sebastian tried his best to time his breaths with Harvey's voice. He couldn't at first, but Harvey just kept going, and going, and going. His breathing slowly returned to normal, but the crying didn't stop. Sebastian felt like he was being punished. Like there was an invisible force releasing wave after wave of agony. Guilt. Shame. Heartbreak. It was all too much.
"Sebastian." Harvey murmured. His hands were still on Sebastian's shoulders, anchoring him to reality, "What is it? What happened? Did he...? Did he do something to hurt you?"
Sebastian wanted to laugh at that suggestion. Sebastian was the one who hurt people. He was the monster. "No." He choked out.
"So, what is it?" Harvey pressed, his brows furrowed in concern, "It's alright, you can tell me, I won't-"
"I can't." Sebastian breathed out, his voice shaking, "I can't do this again. I can't keep doing this. I can't-"
"Sebastian-"
"I've done it before." He rubbed at his wet cheeks, trying to blink away the tears that just kept coming, "I hurt him so much, I can't-"
"Who?" Harvey asked firmly.
"Blue."
Harvey stared at him, "Sebastian, I don't-"
"He loved me. And I...I just...I did it all wrong. What if I...?" He balled his hands into fists, "I can't do it again."
Harvey nodded in understanding, "Okay." He mumbled softly, "It's alright. It was just a one night stand, Seb. It doesn't mean anything. You haven't done anything wrong."
Sebastian shook his head stubbornly, "I was never meant to fall in love again after Alex." He cried, "But I did, and he...I don't know if Alex would forgive me. I think he...he would be angry at me. Right?"
"No." Harvey answered quickly. He didn't know much about Alex, but he knew enough. "He would want you to be happy."
"I'm not."
Harvey gritted his teeth together, his jaw twitching in agitation, "I know."
"I fucked it all up with Felix." Sebastian continued, "I betrayed Alex for nothing. I betrayed him just to hurt someone. And I...I can't...I won't do it again, I-I can't-"
"Hey, Seb, c'mon, just-"
"And now I've betrayed him again by sleeping with someone else, and...and..."
"And you're allowed to move on."
Sebastian shook his head again, "I just keep hurting people, Harvey. It's all I do. I can't stop, I don't know how, I-"
"You haven't hurt me." Harvey told him authoritatively, "You've never hurt me."
"I will."
Harvey sighed, "Alright, that's enough. Get up. I'm gonna make you a cuppa, and we're gonna watch the gayest film I can find-"
"No." Sebastian rubbed his eyes, and took a shaky breath, "I'm going to visit Alex's grave. I haven't been all week."
Harvey watched him warily, "Don't go just because you feel guilty."
Sebastian didn't reply to that. He didn't know how to.
"Fine." Harvey relented, "I'm coming with you."
Sebastian wasn't strong enough to argue. He wasn't strong enough to do anything but nod, and murmur a thank you that didn't express even half of his gratitude. Harvey really was the best friend he had ever had. He never showed him any appreciation, but he hoped that he knew.
He had to know.
Sebastian dressed in the same clothes he had taken off before his shower, and with Harvey at his side, made the familiar journey to the graveyard. Alex's headstone was surrounded by red carnations - Alex's Mother's favourite flowers, so Sebastian knew that she had been to visit recently. The grass had also been trimmed and tended to, and when he and Harvey sat down on it, he felt the love practically radiating off of the earth.
Sometimes he spoke to Alex's gravestone; he talked about his parents, and work, and what he had eaten for lunch. Sometimes he just sat in silence. But he never cried. The urge never came.
He could sit six feet above where his dead boyfriend lay, and not feel anything at all. No guilt, or sadness, or longing. Nothing.
He just felt empty.
"D'you think he would have liked me?" Harvey asked curiously, his eyes scanning the inscription on the headstone; 'forever loved'.
Sebastian hesitated, "I don't know." He replied honestly, "He was sixteen when he died. I don't think he would have had anything in common with a twenty year old construction worker."
"You're also a twenty year old construction worker." Harvey reminded him.
"I know." Sebastian nodded, "He wouldn't have... I mean... We were really young. It's impossible to say where our relationship would have gone if he hadn't..." He cut himself off.
"D'you think...?" Harvey stopped, thought about his next words carefully, and then continued, "D'you think that one day, maybe you could show me a photo of him? I know that he was important to you, and I want to...I want to know him, too."
Sebastian swallowed hard. Harvey could be sweet, when he wanted to be. "My favourite photo of him is..." It was still at Oakleaf Academy. He had never had time to retrieve it. He had been swept away in such a hurry. "I don't have it anymore."
"Oh." Harvey murmured, "Sorry."
"I have others, but they're at my parents house." He explained, "And you...well, you know what my relationship with them is like."
Harvey nodded in understanding, "Well, can you describe him to me?" He requested, "Only if you want to." He added hastily.
"Well, he..." Sebastian took a deep breath, "He was sarcastic. And mean. But not...he wasn't nasty. He was just...he was strong. Really strong. But sweet, too. Thoughtful. Sometimes a little too argumentative, but always...always kind." He didn't know whether he was describing Alex or Felix. They were one and the same. That was the problem.
"Well, he sounds..." Harvey paused, seemingly unsure how to finish that sentence.
"He was amazing." Sebastian sighed, "And I don't want to find anyone like him ever again."
Harvey watched him quizzically.
"I need someone who's different. Someone who doesn't remind me of him. It's too much. And it's not fair to them. They don't deserve to be compared to someone I used to love."
"And Declan?"
Sebastian couldn't help but smile when Harvey said Declan's name. Sparkling green eyes and wild ginger curls popped into his head. Freckles and dimples and pink lips. He was nothing like Alex. Nothing like Felix. Nothing like Sebastian. He was Declan, and he was beautiful, and earnest, and tasted like mint. Sebastian would have happily spent all day in his kitchen, cooking for him, and listening to him talk, and dreaming of a life with him.
When Sebastian imagined his future, he didn't see much. No dream job, or big house, or shiny car. He saw something smaller; sharing a kitchen with someone, eating at the same table, and sleeping in the same bed. He saw quiet smiles and silent affection. He saw someone just like Declan, with messy hair, and exhaustion in his eyes, eating food Sebastian had cooked. Words unspoken, and glances withheld. Fragile moments between them; ones that could break at any moment.
Sebastian sighed, and dug his hand into his pocket, only for his fingertips to brush against a piece of paper. He pulled it out, his brows furrowing as he scanned the numbers scrawled onto it.
Harvey nudged him playfully, "You gonna call him?"
"I didn't know he left this." He mumbled.
"Well?"
Sebastian shook his head slowly. As much as he wanted to run back to Declan's apartment, and spend the rest of the day curled up in bed with him, he knew he couldn't. He knew he would hurt him. He knew he would break him. "No." He said thickly, "I'm not going to call him."
He ripped the piece of paper in half.
And whatever spark of happiness Declan had gifted him last night was snuffed out.