Hikari kept her eyes on the page of her book as she heard the sliding of the bathroom door. the whole time—half an hour to be exact—she's been trying to get through the chapter, but it was difficult when the words seemed to escape right through her mind. what plagued it to the brink of endless distraction was no one other than Ran.
specifically, Ran in the shower. she could actively recall all the times they bathed together. what things they've done under the touch of the hot water.
now she could see him in her peripheral, handsomely tall and bare except for the white towel wrapped around his waist. she doesn't look up.
read, she tells herself.
he walks near without saying a word. she couldn't catch his perceptive eyes.
Ran felt rather happy to find that she was indeed here—willingly—even after he's taken a bath. she was plopped on her stomach, on his bed, a book in her hands. she always looked charmingly smart and beautiful like so, her eyes running along the lines of the page.
as he passed her by he softly touches the top of her head; she doesn't even seem to notice. he smiles to himself. there was that familiar intimacy in the air—them being them, nothing but. they wore layers of masks outdoors, Ran himself was never at ease, but they've found their way back to this place again.
"what are you reading, Hikari?"
his voice seemed natural. serene. like he was meant to speak, and that any other voice would've disrupted the static air.
"nothing."
Ran swipes through his hangers, picking out a cardigan and one of his loose pants. he looks back at her to see what she was wearing—a purple nightgown that hang loose on her shoulders he could easily pull it down. he halts that thought, prompting himself to focus on the closet once more as he chooses a purple cardigan instead.
"do I need to get you a doctor?"
"what for?"
"your injuries."
"they aren't that bad."
"I'll have to see that for myself."
"then see for yourself," she mutters with a hint of mocking.
she always loved to make fun of his nagging. he looked over his shoulder to meet her eyes. she was looking at him, her cheek on her palm.
"can I get changed here?"
"I'll watch."
"that's fine."
the towel drops down to the floor and Hikari instantly covers her eyes. Ran could only laugh at her. after a while once she hears the sound of his footsteps, she asks, "are you done?"
"I am," he says with a soft chuckle.
simultaneously, a hand touches hers, and she uncovers her eyes to find that he was crouched before the bed, his face mere inches from hers.
"sit down."
she does as he says, not saying a thing. Ran gently picks up her foot and sets it on his thigh. he inspects the bruising around her ankle with his fingers, eyes pensive as he moved up the cloth of her nightgown to see more of her skin.
"grazes," she explains as he looked up at her with an annoyed expression.
"I know what they are—why are they so many?"
"at least I'm alive though?"
he rolls his eyes. a gasp leaves her mouth however as he glides his hands up her thighs, bunching up her nightgown to get them out of the way. he curiously looked up at her once more at her reaction, then he bit his lip to prevent a smile he was unable to hide.
"sorry."
"you don't look sorry."
Ran was careful as he dressed her wounds one by one, consistent in being thorough no matter how insignificant and small a scratch is. often times he'd look up at her with a frown when he's fed up with her wounds.
"if you're annoyed then don't do it."
"I'm not annoyed."
she poked the crease between his brows. "then stop frowning."
"I'm done with your legs, anywhere else?"
she looked down on his work—neat bandaging around her left ankle and both knees, and plasters and band aids on random spots.
"isn't this too much?" she hesitantly says.
"it is, if we weren't broken up I would fight with you over this," he grumbles as he stood up.
"over what?"
"over you getting yourself hurt."
"I didn't get hurt willingly."
"you willingly entered the building."
before they could actually argue, Ran sat down beside her and took her arm.
"just scratches," she tells him with a sigh.
he looked annoyed again. the same process repeats. he inspects her wounds, treats them, and occasionally asks how she got them. ten minutes later when he's done with both arms, Hikari beams at him.
"we're done."
"uhuh," he skeptically says.
he touched the side of her stomach and she winces.
"Hikari—"
"I'll treat it myself."
"you're shit on that."
"so what, I just get naked?"
his brows shot up. he blinked, looked down on her stomach, then realized he'd have to take her nightgown off.
"well, not completely—if you like," he jokes.
she scowled as she stood up, but Ran automatically grabs at her wrist. the girl falls right on his lap, her startled eyes meeting his. she looked down his lips; Ran felt his desire for her burn.
as she leans in, his lips part to say something that ruined the moment entirely.
"don't."
and she doesn't, her eyes holding hurt and confusion and rejection as she pulls away.
"we won't last this way," he says before he cups the side of her face, pressing a long kiss on her cheek.
"if you kiss me, I'll fall apart before I can fix us."
something shattered inside Hikari as she grasped his words. she throws her arms around his neck, pulling him closely to herself as unwelcome tears fell from her eyes. he touched the small of her back, his other hand residing at her nape.
"I'm sorry," he says, "I'm sorry, Hikari."
"you're always sorry."
he stills. other than that, what was there to say? what was there to feel? Hikari sniffled as she wiped at her tears, refusing to let go of her hold around Ran.
"my love, I am sorry." his voice came out strained.
she felt his hand stroke her hair. his lips a ghost on the top of her collarbone.
"why did you lie to me?"
"I couldn't bear to hurt you."
"but you could bear lying to me?"
"if it's to keep you happy..." he shamefully says.
"then what about the times you lied to hurt me?"
"Hikari—"
"you cheated on me? you're tired of me because I'm damaged? you hated that you can't touch me after I was—I was raped—and you lie to keep me happy?"
he wanted to cover his ears. his tongue was tied. now he understood better why he endured lying to the woman he loved for so long, despite all the repercussions it had on his psyche. lying meant he was in control. he always knew what to say.
the truth was harsh—and contrary to popular belief, truth wasn't just painful to hear, it could also be significantly painful to say. it hurts to admit that you've wronged someone so badly, the love of your life no less.
"darling, listen to me," he softly pleads, thumbing away a stray tear on her cheek, "the things I said the moment I stopped begging you to stay were lies...at that point, I've realized your leaving was inevitable, and I saw how much it hurt you to hurt me, I'd rather you hate me than cry over me, love."
"did you have to hurt me more?"
"how could I let you leave knowing most of you was still with me?" he smiled sadly, then he hesitantly leans in to kiss her. as she nods, he plants his lips on hers, then he pulls away almost too soon. "I know how much you loved me, Hikari, and it wasn't doing you good anymore."
"still," she sobs, "you were cruel."
"I was cruel," he agrees, "I am cruel, and I am brutal. I'll lie a thousand times over to keep you happy, I'll hurt you if it's for the best, I'll make you hate me if I have to—it's because I love you, and it's because when I couldn't save us anymore, I will always choose to save you."
this is what I get for falling in love with an insane man.
he spoke in metaphors, but funnily Hikari understood it all. to lie to protect her from the truth, to lie to distort her love for him. Ran would really go above and beyond, over and under, and so openly he admits what a twisted mind—and heart—resided within him.
but they were hers. his soul and body. Ran's only flaw as her lover was that he loved her too much—and often times Hikari didn't think of it as a flaw at all.
"do you know how many times I wished I wouldn't wake up anymore, Ran?" she sobs. "ever since you told me I was a corpse, when you said you cheated—I can't unsee it, Ran."
"no, I didn't know. tell me. tell me how much I hurt you, Hikari. punish me right back." he stroked her cheek.
"I dreamed of you every night. when I wake up all I remember is that you threw me away. when you gave me those divorce papers, without so much as seeing my face, I was determined to get drunk and come home with another man."
he flinched.
"I'm sure I kissed someone, but he wasn't your height, he didn't kiss me like you did—and I felt like I was cheating, and all I could think of is how is it that you could cheat on me."
"tell me, Ran—do you really think that's best for me? it made me so sick, every thought of you made me throw up, and contrary to what you believe—I couldn't hate you, when you give me reasons to hate you I end up hating myself because I can't. you know what you've cost me, now tell me if you think what you did—what you decided to do out of love for me—was saving me, tell me, Ran."
"...I can't," he says, clenching his jaw hard, "Hikari—"
"can't you see that we're partners, Ran?" she grabbed his face, "you don't have to carry everything alone, you don't have to make difficult decisions alone. you have to tell me, you have to let me in and you have to be honest with me even if it hurts me."
"I'm sorry," his voice was more strained; when he thought of it longer—Hikari suffering from what he's done—he can't contain his tears anymore. he buries his face in her shoulder, pulling her closer to himself.
"I'm sorry, Hikari."
she felt the shaking of his shoulders. it crushed her heart so much, but Ran had to be real. he had to cry and he had to be bare in front of her. he wasn't big on showing his vulnerability, it's one of the things that led to their demise—he tried to do everything himself without giving her a clue to anything.
"I'm frustrated I can't be perfect for you," he says through his sobs, "I hate that my love isn't enough to give you a painless life, Hikari."
"what are you saying, Ran," she mutters as she runs her fingers through his damp hair, "I never asked you for perfection—all I ever wanted was all of you."
"then take me back," he pleads. "give me the privilege to love you as I please again, I'll be better this time, Hikari—I'll never lie to you, I'll give you all of me—and more, I swear—if you just let me try again—" his words were a mess.
"sshhh," she whispers as she kisses the side of his face over and over, "calm down, Ran."
his skin was hot to touch, Hikari thought he must've been caught up in his fever again. the girl softly pulls away from him, kissing his tears, then she hovers her lips over his. he looks at her expectantly through tear-stained lashes, his lips slightly apart. Hikari slightly smiled as she kisses him.
he welcomes her lips, his hands moving up her back as he pulls her closer. Ran was a desperate kisser for tonight, his brows scrunched up as he struggles to believe that even after they've finished talking, after he's shown her just how stupidly and misguidedly in love he was, Hikari didn't leave the door.
her tongue slips in his mouth and she collects most of his pain, replacing it with a sensation of pleasure and longing. he groans into her mouth as she tugs at his hair, his back falling on the mattress as Hikari pushes him down.
Hikari loved him more tonight than she ever did before. he was real, and he had tears, and he was honest and he was willing to change. his protectiveness was admirable, but he had to be protected too. he didn't have to make all the hard decisions—he was never alone. if he knew that sooner he would've realized that if he just told her, she would've never even considered leaving; she would've understood.
she cups his cheek as she slightly pulls away. his tears were profuse as he looked back at her.
"you're letting me kiss you now?" she lightly teased.
"like I can resist," he breathes, grabbing her hand on his face as he moves up to kiss her again.
"you could resist earlier," she mutters against his lips, his kiss slow and gentle. he looked far too in to it, she can't pull away.
Ran was oddly vulnerable and openly needy—it didn't happen too often for her to disregard it.
"I wanted to talk first."
"so are we done talking?"
as if he was tired of her cutting off their kiss so often to speak, he rolls them over, his body a welcome weight over her frame.
"I never said we're back together, Ran," she whimpers as he lightly sucks at her neck, his hand caressing her hair as gently.
"you kissed me."
"I missed kissing you."
"is that all that you miss?" he whispers against her ear.
she pushes at his chest as she flips them over again, and this time Ran wasn't so demanding. he holds her hand and kisses her palm, his eyes closed as he trails his lips up the inside of her wrist.
"I'm sorry I stopped you earlier, I didn't want to be a one night stand, Hikari," he smiled subtly.
"you're okay with being a one night stand now?" she teases him again, kissing his forehead.
"is my body the only thing you want back?"
"maybe."
"then you can use me as you please."
she presses a kiss on the front of his neck, right against his tattoo. Ran lets out a breath as she leaves her mark there.
"I'm kidding, Ran," she softly says, hiding her face in his choulder. he wraps his arms around her, enveloping her in a warm embrace.
"I want my husband back."
his heart was hammering right into Hikari's chest at this point. he nods, though she can't see, sneaking a kiss on her temple as he hugs her tighter.
she was just exquisite. the most lovely woman to have ever been born, right in his arms, even when he's hurt her time and time again. because for people who never wanted to make each other bleed, they've bled each other dry too often. when they were happy for a day they'd be suffering for years.
but maybe they were changing. he had nothing more to hide. Hikari accepts him as he is.
it started with Hikari kissing and biting at his skin, then Ran had captured her lips, the next thing he knows she was unbuttoning his cardigan as she straddled him. and he only smiles up at her.
he had no clue how much his smile knocked her off her breath.
she leans in to plant her lips against his—both swollen. she strokes his cheek, looking back at him as their foreheads touch.
"why are you so handsome?" she breathes, "whose husband are you?"
surprise flashed across his face, easily recognizing the origin of her words. he was going to melt right into her if she kept being so lovely. his smile doesn't disappear as they share yet another kiss, Ran's hands slipping beneath her night gown as Hikari felt the warmth of his hard chest.
he angles her face aside, biting at her neck as he undoes the tie of her clothes. Hikari could only whimper as he softly rolls them over, slipping her nightgown off her shoulders with familiar dexterity.
"Ran," she lowly whines.
he partly pulls away, Hikari laying exposed beneath him except for her dress bunched down on her hips. with his fingers, he traces the slice on the side of her stomach before looking back at her.
"I have to treat this first."
"later."
"Hikari, I'm tempted enough as it is with your breasts greeting me," he mutters, making a point as he kisses the center of her chest.
he felt her shiver. other than that, he felt the clenching of her thighs around his leg.
"I missed you, Ran."
and he was always weak to her whining.
"you didn't miss me as much?"
and her guilt-tripping.
he shook his head, peeling off of her entirely as he grabbed the supplies by the nightstand. a pillow was instantly thrown at his back, causing him to laugh as he comes back ready to dress her wound.
Ran was shirtless as he crouched before her sat frame on the edge of the bed, his fingers careful and precise as he swiped ointment over her injury, then wrapped the bandage neatly around her waist.
"let's get that stitched tomorrow so it won't leave much of a scar," he softly says.
Hikari was busy playing with his hair.
"Hikari?"
"hm?"
"I love you."
she was about to tell him he was pissing her off until the doorbell rang. then as if she'd come to a realization, she instantly stood up and dressed herself. Ran almost stopped her; a paining erection between his legs that expected too much too soon. he watches in disappointment as she walks over to the door.
"where are you going?" he tries to ask inconspicuously.
"that's the dinner I ordered. you haven't eaten in two days. and you're sick."
"I'm fine," he says as he puts on his cardigan while following her.
"you need to eat."
Ran beats her to grabbing the doorknob, causing her to look up at him in surprise. her obsidian eyes were far too beautiful he wanted to lock the room and be left with her undisturbed.
he smiled, shaking off his unholy desires.
"I love you," he says, leaning in for a swift kiss. "I'll love you always."
"always is a long time."
"it's not a long time, it's all the time. go out with me."
"where?"
"a date." he winks.
she can't help but mirror his smile.
"is that a yes, Hikari?"
"you're sick though."
he shook his head as he opened the door, and they were met with a clerk with a cart of two food trays. Ran glanced down on it then back at the young clerk.
"you can have it, it's our treat," he beams.
before the surprised man could thank him, Ran was already walking past with his arm around Hikari's shoulders.
the girl could only giggle at his enthusiasm. she wanted him to rest for tonight because he's barely recovered, but she couldn't bring herself to spoil the mood. she missed his tall height beside hers, his arm easily enclosing her frame to his. she missed them walking around as an inseparable pair.
she missed seeing him so happy.
"you're smiling, Ran," she tells him.
"I wonder why," he teases. his eyes were twinkling.
he didn't look so alive in a while; his joy was consuming.
as they step into an empty elevator, Hikari leans her head on his shoulder. they made it this far. there was no more Red Flower to worry about. Rin, whatever the mess they've made—he had given her enough closure and he was leaving.
all that's left to do was marry Ran.
the man looks down on the top of her head, and he smiles. she was by his side again.
"what are you thinking of, Hikari?"
"nothing."
"Hikari?"
"what is it, Ran?"
"thank you for choosing me."
"always, Ran—always."