Chapter 95
I had to know this day would come.
If I'd always hoped that the outcome of me pinning for Lexi for all these years would be her loving me back eventually, I had to know that at one point I was going to have to be honest about the extent of my obsession with her.
If there was anything I could compare it with, it might be with people being fans of celebrities and ended up dating them, and the celebrity seeing the weird shit their now partners used to do because they were fans.
Kinda like that.
I'd done weird shit over the years because of my unrequited love.
I wasn't proud of most of it.
The truth was, from the start I should have approached Lexi and tried to actually be friends with her, not just collect her trash and put it in a box.
Because I now had to explain what was in the box.
And there was no logical answer for it.
So I told the truth. "I have issues," I admitted, putting the down the box I'd been holding by the door and made my way slowly to Lexi.
It shouldn't be this difficult to be honest. I'd kept the box, I'd kept the torn school picture, and the discarded eraser, I'd kept the broken hair pin and the scrap piece of paper with her signature. I'd kept her ring. I'd kept all of these things. I was the one who did it.
I should be able to own up to it.
Lexi loved me. She would forgive me, right?
"If by issues you mean stalker than yes, I think that's the correct explanation," Lexi replied, looking at the little box in her hands. "Why do you have all that stuff?" she asked softly, looking a little shocked.
She wasn't running away screaming though, so that was a good sign, right?
"I..." I started to say, trying to think of the right thing to say, trying to find a way to explain this without sounding like I was brushing it off, like it was no big deal, like I wasn't creepy for keeping those things. I pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to think of some way to not make her run away. "I wanted to give it back to you," I said, because there was no right way to explain all of this, no way to excuse it, "well the ring at least, the rest I would have gotten rid of it or buried it somewhere..."
This would have been easier if I had worked up to it. If I had been the one telling her this and explaining it.
Actually, I would have preferred just giving her back the ring and getting rid of the rest, just to not feel like a creep, but it would have been omitting the truth.
And I shouldn't be doing that right at the beginning of our relationship. If I wanted this relationship to succeed, I needed to be honest.
"That still doesn't explain why you have all that old crap," Lexi replied,
"I'm glad to see you're still as unobservant as you were," I replied, smiling sadly.
She couldn't make the connection, one that should probably be obvious at this point.
She underestimated herself too much. Always.
"Blake, seriously not the time to kid around," Lexi said, not that amused.
Time to be really honest. Time to tell her all the truth.
Unable to look in her eyes, too afraid of what her reaction might be, I started to say, "my first day of school here, when I was still eleven years old, there was this little girl in a green dress who inadvertently picked me and smiled at me... and after all these years she finally gave me a reason to smile too." I'd walked up all the way to Lexi, and saw the school picture, which made me smile.
Tiny Lexi smiling at me in her green dress.
I'd been so sad and empty back then, without my brother. And then this girl had smiled at me. It wasn't the smile everyone around me that knew me were giving me. The sad one. The one full of pity.
It was a smile without any kind of agenda behind it.
It had been all I needed.
"What... what are you saying?" Lexi asked, still confused.
"I'm saying I didn't fall in love with you two months ago when we started to spend time together," I replied, looking in her eyes now, "I'm saying I fell in love with you seven years ago, the first time I ever laid eyes on you."
I was looking at her with all the love I'd felt for her all these years. As misplaced as it might have been sometimes. I gave her the only love I knew to give. It grew into something more real over the years. Something not born anymore out of a fantasy Lexi I'd made in my head.
But it was still love never the less. Seven years worth of it.
I could see in Lexi's eyes that she couldn't believe it, couldn't comprehend it.
This had never been an option in her head, never something she had thought could be possible.
Without really thinking about it, my hand lifted, softly trailing my fingertips from her temple to her jaw, not sure if she would accept my touch after this bomb of a reveal, my eyes never leaving hers.
"It's always been you Lexi, only you," I whispered.
My Pumpkin still couldn't believe it. "I don't... how?"
With my hand cupping her neck, and my eyes still boring into hers, I softly answered, "I was way too shy and you loved Alex and then you dated him and it broke my heart and at that point I just gave up and that's why I dated Kendal even though I was in love with you, that's why I went with those girls even though the only one I see when I close my eyes is you. I thought I could never have you."
This sounded wrong though. Not right. My mistakes were my own. It wasn't her fault. It was all of my own doing. I'd wanted to be miserable, so I made all the decisions that would make sure I would be.
Because I'd been loving her all wrong.
And now I wanted to love her the right way.
I wanted her to know I loved her.
I'd kinda wanted to wait to say this. I had wanted us to not rush into things and do it right.
I'd wanted to find a perfect time for it.
But I also realized that... maybe I love yous shouldn't be treated as something so sacred. That it should be something said often if not casually. That maybe I'd been throwing around I love you to her for weeks now, but she'd always taken them as jokes. They'd never meant anything to her. They should have meant something.
I should have told her they meant something.
I should have been honest with my feelings from the start.
But then, maybe she would have run away from me if I'd been honest. She might not have been ready to hear the truth back then.
I guessed I'd never know now.
The important thing for now was that I needed to be honest with Lexi.
And that meant saying this.
"I love you Lexi. I never loved anyone but you."
Lexi was looking up at me, her eyes tearing up a bit.
Hopefully those were happy tears. Not creeped out tears. I didn't want to assume anything.
I'd been assuming so many things in the past, and look where that got me. I should stop doing it. I should ask instead.
"All those things in the box," I said, taking the box from her hands, "I kept them because it was the only things that linked me to you. The ring was crossing a line though and I would have given it back to you," I added, taking the ring out, and putting it in Lexi's hand, after placing the box back on my table. "When I took it, you had left the library without it, you forgot it behind the computer. I carried it in my pockets for days. I thought it could be a way to start a conversation with you, to have you actually realize my existence for once but I was too chicken to even go up to you," I explained, laughing a little at my own idiocy.
If I wanted to talk to her, I should have just talk to her, not find some creepy excuse to do so.
"But I never expected anything like this," Lexi said putting her ring back on her index, where it had been missing for weeks. "And you were so arrogant, how was I supposed to know?"
She wasn't. She hadn't been supposed to know.
This wasn't her fault.
And now she was crying a little.
This wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want her to feel bad about this, feel bad about my issues. I wanted her to understand, but I didn't want her to be sad about it.
Her brushed her tear away and smiled at her. "You weren't. It's my fault."
Lexi shook her head, still not convinced. "I honestly can't believe it..."
Honestly, this wasn't the way I had expected this conversation to go.
I'd expected her to potentially run away calling me a creep. I'd expected her to be mad and blame me. I'd expected her to be disappointed with me.
I hadn't expected her to be sad because she hadn't noticed I liked her.
That wasn't her fault. It was all mine.
I didn't want her to be sad.
"Do you..." I started to say, dropping my arms, and thought the best option was to tease her, "do you want me to leave you alone for a bit so you can sort things out in your head, and over think."
"No!" Lexi replied instantly, grabbing onto my hands before I could walk away from her and execute that plan. "No, no, you're not going anywhere," she said, looking at our hands with a sheepish grin. "I'm not mad at you or anything... I'm shocked right now, in a good way. Few minutes ago, I was overly confused and a little worried about your mental health, but right now I'm just shocked. And happy, very very happy. And I don't need time, I just need you."
I honestly didn't deserve this reaction. I think we both needed therapy. She was right to be worried about my mental health after all.
But instead of second guessing everything and expecting the worst of a situation, I decided to just be happy.
Lexi was happy, and she was forgiving me for being creepy. It was all that mattered.
"Cheesy," I told her teasingly with a smile.
She'd just said that she just needed me after all.
Lexi laughed at that, her eyes still filled with tears. "I know right? I should stop hanging out with you so much," she replied, giving my hands a squeeze.
I leaned forward, touching the tip of my nose to hers, wrapping my arm around her waist, while still holding on to her hands, so I was basically holding them against her back.
"That would be wise."
I wanted to kiss her. But I also wanted to give her time to process if this was what she wanted right now too.
I'd dumped a lot of information on her, telling her things that might have unsettled her, and even if she said she loved me and she needed me, maybe she wasn't ready for us to kiss again just yet.
I wanted us to go at a pace that would feel right and healthy in the mist of my not so healthy mind.
But Lexi wasn't backing away. She wasn't moving from between my arms. She was just looking at me like this was exactly where she wanted to be right now.
So dropped her hands and lifted mine to the back of her head, pressing my lips against hers.
Her hands went to the back of my head too, tangling in my hair, keeping me close as our lips move with more urgency.
It felt different, kissing her now, in the morning when she wasn't drunk anymore, when we were both hyperaware of what we were doing. It was like there was a strange added weight to our actions.
But it also felt like after kissing her so much last night, now I wanted more. I wanted her closer. I wanted all of her.
She knew about all the things I'd been worried of sharing with her now, about the level of my obsession.
She knew. And she still accepted me.
She knew and she still kissed me like she wanted all of me too.
Without even realizing it, I'd lifted her up in my arms, her legs wrapping around my waist.
My hold got a little stronger, as I felt like my legs might falter, not because she was heavy, but because I was going to lose any kind of control over my motricity.
Because Lexi Grayson was kissing me, with her legs around me, and her whole body pressed against me.
I went down the stairs, trying to reach my bed, so that if I did trip on air, our fall would be stopped.
Before I could reach my bed though, I broke our kiss and started to laugh.
"What," Lexi asked, sounding self conscious.
"You're so over thinking this," I pointed out, lying her on my bed.
I didn't know how I knew this specifically, but I just did. I could feel it. I could almost see Lexi forming too many thoughts in her head.
Hungover-Lexi was not as forward and bold as Drunk-Lexi.
It was fine. It was better actually.
Drunk-Lexi was a menace.
And if I was being completely honest with myself, I also knew I wasn't ready for anything more.
I needed more time. To work on myself. To improve my mental health. To be a better version of me, one Lexi deserved.
"Oh, shut up," Lexi snapped, almost making me laugh again, before grabbing me by the shirt pulling me down to her, our lips founding each others again.
Okay, so maybe Hungover Lexi was still a little bold.
A hand on her thigh, I kept kissing her, but then stopped again.
"Stop worrying," I reassured her. Communication. This was something we would need to work on if we wanted a future together. We'd have to talk about these things eventually.
I pressed my lips to her neck, giving her lips some freedom so she could tell me off if she wanted space. "I just really want to kiss you a lot right now, and that will be more than enough."
This seemed to reassure her, as she laughed, before bringing my face back to hears, kissing me again. "I love you, Blake."
"I'm never going to get tired of hearing you say this," I admitted, and kissed her more, my hand at her waist.
I loved her waist. I loved her lips. I loved her hair. I loved her legs. I loved every part of her.
I loved everything about her I knew and everything I still didn't know.
We kept kissing again, but then I felt Lexi frowning a bit, and realized she must have been nauseous again.
She was still Hungover-Lexi after all.
So I stopped kissing her, and instead just stroked her hair, to reassure her, and hopefully so it would help feel a little better.
"Blake, just wondering... where exactly are my clothes?" she suddenly asked me, as she ran her fingertips on my lips.
Wait.
I hadn't taken anything off of her, had I?
I wasn't that far gone, right?
Oh.
Wait.
God, I was an idiot.
I kissed her fingertips and said, "Hanging in my closet."
"Will you let me have a drawer here if I give you one at my place?" she asked, as she brushed a hand in my hair.
Oh so.
Wait.
She wanted sleepovers? Was this what she was asking? Or did she just want to hang some of her clothes in my closet so they could smell like me and then she could take them back and smell them?
Either way.
I took opportunity given by Lexi's raised shirt to press a kiss against her stomach, and then replied, "you can have an entire side of my closet if you want it."
Lexi brought my face back to hers, smirking a little. "You want me to move in or something?"
I chuckled. Yes. Absolutely. But also, no way, I didn't want to die so young and this girl would be the death of me if she kept all of this up. "Let's get out of high school first... and of our parent's house," I pointed out, my hand on her leg.
"So! What's in the box?" Josh cheerfully asked, making me and Lexi jump in surprise at the interruption.
Way to ruin a moment Josh.
"Once, just once, I would love for us to be able to just stop kissing because we decided to, not because we're freaking interrupted," I whined, not even acknowledging my best friend.
He was still freaking naked under an apron as far as I could tell.
Lexi chuckling at my comment, neither of us showing any signs that we were moving from our position.
"Oh my gawd, you guys!" Josh squealed in his trademark high pitch voice. "You didn't have to put on my present right away!"
Glaring a little, I turned my head to stare daggers at him. "Josh, get out, now!"
He just rolled his eyes at me. "Please, you two aren't having sex, I know you enough."
An unfortunate fact.
If he thought we might get it on, then we would have had some peace, right?
"Josh, please, get out?" Lexi asked him.
"When you say it like that...." Josh trailed, letting out a sigh, but then grinned evilly. "No thanks, I think I'll pass," he added and shut my door behind him dramatically. "So! What was in the box?"
I hadn't opened the box, but I could guest what I would find in it.
"Food from my grandma, she always sends me some for my birthday, now get out, and don't you dare touch that box," I warned him, ready to just kiss Lexi again.
Maybe he'd leave if I did?
"I'll do what I want, you'll just have to stop me if you disagree, baby boy."
Alright. I gave up.
I pushed myself off of Lexi, lying beside her on the bed. Kissing time over, I guessed.
"Whoa wait, any of you naked or indecently aroused? Because I'm the only one awesome enough to pull off being naked without making it awkward," Josh said, hiding his eyes.
Why was he suddenly surprised he could have walked on something?
My best friend really didn't make sense sometimes.
I grabbed one of my pillows and threw it at him.
"Speaking of which, you put your naked ass on my couch and you're dead," I warned Josh, my hand going around my Pumpkin's waist, pulling her closer beside me.
"Floor?" Josh asked tentatively.
"Dead."
"Toilet seat?"
"Not on the cover."
"Damn!"
"He's not leaving?" Lexi asked her cheek pressed on my shoulder.
I sighed heavily. "He's not leaving."
And suddenly, just like we'd been sharing the same brain cell, we said, "damn" at the exact same time in the exact same tone, and then started to laugh.
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Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! <3
This chapter was a tricky one, because Creepy-Blake was something more acceptable, like 14 years ago when I was writing the story. Lots of problematic stuff was sold as romantic, and I did fall into that pattern. I am an unfortunate product of my time after all. Anyway, I really didn't want to downplay the fact that Blake was creepy. But I also couldn't exactly change Lexi's reaction. So, hopefully, this felt right for you guys.
In other news, this week was a bit of a shit show. It was my niece's birthday on Monday and I didn't get to go home to celebrate it which sucked. She's two years old now. And then the next day I had like awful freaking news, which kinda... fucked up the rest of my week in general.
Anyway. Hopefully I get my head back in the game this week, and get back on track with all my plans. I STILL need to do a livestream to talk to you guys about my future plans. :') Hopefully I do that this week. I need more hours in a day.
Okay. Back to writing now. I have a shit tone of writing to do. I shall listen to Circus on repeat since it brings me great joy at this moment. Might make writing Blake and Lexi's sweet moments a little too hyped up though. XD
BYE! Take care! I love you guys! See you all next week! <3