Chapter 20
Remus stared for a long time at the pale yellow door, after Self Preservation went inside. He couldn't believe the others. Couldn't they see that Janus wasn't okay. Sure they had Self Preservation, but it was like having a free roaming doll with no emotion. They had turned Janus into a blank slate, who's seemed to know nothing but work. Remus let his eyes slide to the stair way, where the others were down stairs. How dare they try and make Janus shapeshift.. What right did they have to demand that of him? He raged as he marched himself back down the stairs.
The others were all crowding around each others talking amongst themselves. Their talking coming to an immediate halt when they spotted him. "Remus..." Roman started to say.
"What the fuck is wrong with you all?!" Remus demanded, stopping whatever his brother was about to say. "Trying to make him shift! Really!"
Logan stepped forward. " As I said, we did not force him. We merely thought that maybe the damage done to his core maybe had him stuck in a shift that he thought we would all find appealing." Logan explained.
"It doesn't matter you shouldn't have even fuckin' asked that of him! Not when you know damn well his core damaged. If roles were reversed and it was Happy Patty, none of you would allow him to even so much as move!" Remus growled. "How fuckin' dare you! All of you!"
Patton looked so close to tears and looking so ashamed of himself. "Kiddo-"
"I'm not your damn kid! He's not you damn kid either!" Remus shouted. "Stop acting like you've cared this whole time! It doesn't fix anything!"
"Hey! There is no call for that. Patton didn't do anything wrong!" Roman jumped in, stepping forward a bit.
"Right! Ha! He didn't do anything." Remus snapped. "I'm outta here. Chaos to wreck and everything." He growled out, as he stomped back up stairs.
Everyone let out a collective breath of relief, once they heard Remus's door slam shut. "He's right. I did nothing to help Janus feel welcomed." Patton mumbled.
Logan nodded. "I think we are all to blame when it come to attempting to make them feel welcomed. We all could have done more."
Virgil huffed, otherwise didn't say anything. What could he say? They all felt ashamed.
"Maybe he's right. We should be more careful with him." Roman said, after a bit of thinking. "He's like a blank slate right now. We can do better, and show him we can do better." He looked around to gauge the others reactions.
"The first thing we can do is try and make his job easier." Logan said, tapping at his chin as he thought. "Which mean we should take shifts in watching Thomas. According to his schedule he is promising and overbooking himself for the next few days." Logan instructed, summoning his planner.
"I thought with Self Preservation he would be unable to overwork himself?" Roman questioned.
"That's not to the problem. He's leaving enough time for him to take care of himself, but not enough time to spend on certain project, which could effect him financially. Self Preservation is doing his job. But without that be of deception of selfishness, Thomas lacks the ability to say no. Not that he can't say no, but that it is harder to say no." Logan explained.
"But what about the script?" Virgil asked.
"Unless one of us can convince him otherwise, we will not be even touching the new episode within three weeks." Logan informed.
"What!" Roman shouted appalled.
"He could lose his audience, if we hold off too long." Virgil grumbled.
Logan nodded. "That is why I think Roman and I should be the first to go and supervise Thomas."
"Fantastic idea, Logan!!" Roman smiled. "And we will leave Virgil and Patton to help watch over Janus! Its the perfect set up!"
"We'll have to come up with a plan, so we don't upset Remus anymore." Virgil mumbled. "How are me and Patton suppose to stop him if he decides to rampage again?"
Logan hummed. "As long as you keep yourselves open in your movement and include him whenever you are near Janus, there shouldn't be a problem."
They all nodded in agreement. It was as close to a plan as they were going to get.
(Mean while...... In Self Preservation's room.)
Self Preservation was in a deep sleep, blissfully unaware that the room around them was changing, and shifting. Losing its roomy look and more into the dark abyss that the other were able to see. The bed at which held the sleeping Half Side vanishing along with the rest of furniture leaving the sleeping facet laying on nothing. His shirt unbuttoning as if by invisible fingers revealing the broken Core and its many shattered shards trapped inside the necklace around his neck, exposing the pieces, as gravity also vanished. The broken pieces taking on a yellow glow, and the body of Self Preservation becoming translucent, almost invisible, leaving the core pieces and broken shards free floating.
As a single thought echoed around the room.
'Why am I not enough?'
(Two weeks later)
Remus was laying in his bed, trying to go sleep. But its was so difficult. He had been spending the last two weeks guarding and camping outside of Janus's room. The others seemed to be switching off in shifts, two would go and check on Thomas, and two would stay. There was also a sense of a peace treaty going on between him and the others. They left him alone, besides coming and getting him when it was time to eat, or invite him to movie nights. Now not sleeping for an extended number of days didn't bother Remus. But then he had also had Janus to help back then. It felt like he had just close his eyes when the door of his room creaked opened. His body shooting into a sitting position like vampire from a coffin.
There standing in the door way was Self Preservation. "Hello Intrusive Thoughts." He greeted.
"You're back!" Remus found himself gasping out.
"You told me to come to you. Should I leave?" The half Side asked, with a tilt of his head.
"Fuck no!" Remus shouted, jumping to his feet and going over to the Half Side. "You're just the person I have been waiting for. Come on. Let's spoon." He demanded, pulling Self Preservation into his bed, and once again, made sure to wrap himself around the Half Side. This time to make sure Self Preservation wouldn't slip away from, he brought his tentacles out and cocooned the Half Side to him.
Self Preservation let it happened, his body remaining relaxed the whole time as he was maneuvered by the tentacles. Blinking as Intrusive Thoughts practically burrowed in to him. "You have not been sleeping." He stated.
"Shut up. Your fault anyway. Jan, you just don't know." Remus mumbled, into the Half Sides neck.
"I'm sorry." Self Preservation apologized.
"Don't apologize. Your sassier than that." Remus huffed. "Damn it, Janny. I can't believe you went and tore yourself apart. You can't be happy like this."
"I am happy." The Half Side assured, in a neutral tone.
"No, you're not. If you were, you would still be you." Remus grumbled, hugging the Half Side close. "Don't worry. I'm not going to let them hurt you anymore. I will be the one to take care of you now." He promised.
"That is my job." Self Preservation corrected.
Remus pulled back, with a tentacle cupping Self Preservation's chin so the Half Side was looking him in the eyes. "I don't care if its the only thing keeping Thomas from falling apart. I will not let them take advantage of you in this state. Until you are back to being yourself, I am going to be your shadow. I am going to stick to your side like witches nose mole." He stated, with so much determination in his voice.
"But what good will you be if you are dead on your feet?" Self Preservation question with a very slight tile of his head, as the tentacle moved from his chin, moved to caressing the Half Sides cheek.
"Then I'll be a zombie." Remus answered, as his eyes began to droop. He sighed content when the Half Side lifted a free hand to run his fingers through the Dukes hair. "I miss you so much." Remus sighed out.
"You do not like me." Self Preservation stated.
"No. I love you. When you are 'you'. Stop trying to work Jay. I'll take care of you, don't worry your sexy ass, Snakey." Remus yawned, his jaw cracking, as he got himself comfortable.
"Sleep Intrusive Thoughts. I will be here when you wake this time." Self Preservation promised.
"You better damn be. I'll handcuff you to me if you leave again." Remus growled out as he began to drift off.
Self Preservation watched still in Intrusive Thoughts tight grip on him as the Duke went to sleep. He stared intently as the Intrusive Side snored, loudly. Intrusive Thoughts was so adamant about wanting to be near him. And the Half Side did not mind. In fact deep down it made him feel wanted. So it was confusing that Intrusive Thoughts still seemed sad. He was making Intrusive Thoughts sad.
He was making them all sad.
Self Preservation blinked and let out a tired sigh. He just left his room and he was already aching and feeling ready to go back to sleep. Napping with Intrusive Thoughts probably wouldn't hurt. After all, the Duke was like a living heater, and he was so snug in the Intrusive Sides tangle of limbs and tentacles.
He blinked his eyes closed. He wish he could make them all happy.
(A few hours later)
Remus moaned happily as he drifted awake. There was a nice sensation fingers playing in his hair and a nice humming in his ear. It was a happy little tune, and damn if it had been a long time since Janus had been happy enough to hum while they cuddled. It was relaxing. He squeezed the Side close using all his limbs including the tentacles. One straying a little lower than the others.
"Getting a little frisssky in our sssleep now aren't we." Came the chuckled response.
Remus snapped his eyes open and was met with two, adoring slitted snakeyes and a face full of scales.
"Awake, my Intrusssive Thoughtsss?" Selfishness grinned.
"What the hell!" Remus sat up, quickly. Too quickly that he bonked his head agaist the half Side. "Ow! Jay?!" He blinked his vision back straight to see Self Preservation; not Selfishness, but Self Preservation who was also sitting up, with a hand rubbing gently at he forehead where he and Remus had bonked heads, with his normal blank look.
"Ow...." Self Preservation said, after a delay, his eyes closing a bit.
"Shit! You okay Jay?" Remus asked, grabbing Self Preservation's head and bring it close checking for any damage.
"I am fine." Self Preservation confirmed. "I scared you." He stated with a tilt of his head.
"NO! I mean no. I just, thought I heard and seen somethin- You know me nightmares and all. Almost created one." Remus said, deciding midway to just not mention that he thought he seen and heard Selfishness. He wasn't even sure if he actually heard what he heard and seen what he seen. He could have just imagined it.
"If you say so." Self Preservation relented, maneuvering himself from Remus's hold, and tangle of tentacles, that were now loosely wrapped around him.
"And where do you think you're going?" Remus demanded, a tentacle wrapping around the half Sides wrist.
"The kitchen." Self Preservation answered, stopping in his tracks as the tentacle pulled on his wrist.
Remus grunted as he jumped to his feet. "Food, hell yes." He smiled. "Whatchya feelin, today? I think I want cockroach crunch with a side of dish soap." The Duke hummed at the thought.
"You are allergic to soap." Self Preservation reminded.
"Okay, fine. I'll have what you are having." Remus huffed, as he led them down the stairs. Thankfully, no one was downstairs. Which meant he and Self Preservation would have more time alone.
Self Preservation looked down to his feet thinking a moment. "French toast sticks." He finally said, moving to the pantry and pulling out the bread.
"Oooo, we haven't had that in a while. Feeling playful today Jay?" Remus grinned.
Self Preservation blinked and paused in his movements. "They are for eating." He stated.
Remus's grin slipped a bit. "Never mind. So, we're going for homemade today, I think I see some cinnamon on your face." He joked as he opened the cinnamon and flick a bit onto the Half Sides cheek. "I always knew you were a spice and everything nice." He teased, as he snapped some bowl into existence for the Half Side.
Self Preservation paused again and touched his cheek where the cinnamon had landed. "I am?" He asked, in a neutral tone.
Remus draped himself onto the counter as the Half Side worked. "I'll destroy anyone who disagrees with me." Remus assured, dipping his finger in the egg yolks and tasting said yolks, like it was yummy batter.
"Mmm, something smells good." Patton's voice said, interrupting Remus's and Self Preservation's alone time.
Remus bristled at the Moral Sides presence and eyeballed Virgil who was just behind the Dad Side. So that meant Logan and Roman were with Thomas again for the day. "What do you want?" He growled out, starting to place himself between the two and Self Preservation.
"We just smelted something good cooking and came to see if there was anything we could do to help? Nothing like a good morning breakfast than cooking it together right?" Patton said, with an uneasy smile.
Self Preservation watched the exchange in silence. Cooking together with Morality would give him time to finish his talk with him. So, in a slow and calm gesture, he placed a reassuring hand on Intrusive Thoughts arm. Causing said Side to look at him, and the angry look that was on the Dukes face melted away into one that confused Self Preservation. Intrusive Thoughts should not be worried. This would have to be addressed later. "Fine." Intrusive Thoughts relented, moving out of the way so Morality could pass. Anxiety went to follow, but was stopped when Intrusive Thoughts blocked his path. "Not you." He growled, out.
"Why not?" Anxiety hissed.
"Because I said so." Intrusive Thoughts growled.
Self Preservation didn't want them to fight. So he was glad when Morality spoke up.
"Now, now. Let's play nice, kidd- I -I mean, um. You two could watch a show while me and Janus cook." Patton tried to placate. He looked to Self Preservation to see the Half Side nod once in agreement.
Remus seemed to calm back down after that. And Virgil looked less on edge, though still a bit upset that he was banned from the kitchen. Virgil liked watching Patton cook sometimes. Even helping out sometimes. However, the two did not move to go watch tv. Instead they moved themselves to the table and sat, facing each other in a silent stare down.
"Now, kiddo," Patton said, turning his attention to Janus, who was quietly watching the batter dipped bread sizzle in the pan, feeling the place with the scent of sugar and cinnamon. "What were you planning to cook with these. Any fruit, or chocolate?" He asked. "Oh! We could dust them with powder sugar!" He added.
"Okay." Self Preservation said.
So, Patton began grabbing what come to mind, that would go great with french toast sticks. He even pulled out the white chocolate.
"Janus doesn't like white chocolate." Remus said from the table.
"How do you know what he likes and doesn't like. You don't know! Self Preservation could like white chocolate." Virgil grumbled.
"I know him better than you." Remus snapped back.
"I'm just saying you don't know his tastes might have changed, now that he's – you know." Virgil huffed, slouching in his chair and wishing his just kept his mouth shut.
Patton, chuckled nervously. "I'll just put them back." He said, not wanting the two to argue. Going to do exactly what he said he was going to do. He could see that off the side Janus had stopped watching the bread in the pan and was now silently watching Remus and Virgil.
"Don't let Remus tell you what to do Pat. If you want white chocolate, use white chocolate." Virgil said, not losing eye contact with Remus.
"Janus, is the chef today. Not Patton. You eat whats made for you." Remus said, gritting his teeth.
"What the hell's your deal today?! Get off Patton's back!" Virgil snapped, slamming his hand on the table.
"My deal? What the fuck is wrong with you?" Remus snapped back, manifesting a knife from thin air and pointing it at the Anxious Side.
Something burning caught Patton's attention, and he realized that the bread in the pan was burning. That Janus had not flipped the piece of bread at all. Even thought the Half Side was no longer watching the two arguing Sides. "Here, kiddo, let me." He offered, taking the spatula from the Half Side who gave it up easily and let himself be moved to the side.
"Hey! Stop telling him what to do!" Remus voice snarled out.
There was a loud sound of a slight scuffle with a few curses, from both Virgil and Remus. Patton was quick to turn around to see that the Duke had jumped to his feet storming his way to Patton, but was blocked by Virgil. "Chill! Dude, seriously! You're being way too possessive," Virgil growled out.
Patton gasped when he saw the two fall to the floor in their scuffle and forgetting the food ran to make sure both were okay. The knife Remus had in his hand flying in the air and somehow landing blade first in the wall instead of stabbing someone. "Hey now! Break it up you two!" Patton said, standing with his hands on his hips, and giving his best Dad Glare. "Remus! Virgil!" He said, seeing the two still fighting on the floor.
"Intrusive Thoughts, food is ready." Self Preservation's voice said, neutrally, holding a plate with the burnt french toast cut neatly into strips, with strawberries and whipped cream on it. "Should I make you one as well, Anxiety?"
"Just the way I like it. Burnt." Remus said, as he made his way to the table.
Patton watched almost amazed as Remus's mood switched. How easily he knocked Virgil away and just stood up and sat back down at the table, but not before sticking his tongue out at Virgil who also seemed just as shocked.
"No, I-I'm good." Virgil said.
"Your lost." Remus said, between bites.
Patton watched as Remus seemed so happy eating something that Janus made. Patton hadn't seen Remus more like himself than now. The only thing that took that happy look away was when Remus's eyes flicked to him and Virgil. And sadness flickered in those usually manic eyes when they landed on Self Preservation. That's when it hit Patton. Remus and Janus only had each other for so long, and while they had all excepted Remus's presence, they had practically shunned Janus. Even under the guise of acceptance, they had unknowingly tried to break up a long standing relationship between Janus and Remus. Without thinking of the consequence and now they were facing it. They lost Janus and in the process had lost whatever trust they had between Remus. Remus would never trust them again. He would never trust them with Self Preservation. He had a right too. Patton couldn't blame him. Wouldn't blame him. All he could do now is try and help. Try to take care of all of his kiddos.
"Virgil usually likes chocolate chips to go with his, same for the pancakes. I'll show how I like mine." Patton said, helpfully.
Self Preservation nodded, as he began making french toasts that were not burnt like the ones he made Remus. Patton hummed, as he showed Janus how he would make Virgil's and was happy when presented Virgil did not refuse them. Although the Anxious Side kept glancing warily at Remus who seemed to have forgotten the squabble he and Virgil had just had. Patton had to admit it was nice. He hadn't known Janus had liked cooking. He kind of wished Logan and Roman were there, so he'd have more food to make with Janus.
Virgil retreated to the couch, while Remus stayed at the table, deciding that downing the entire bottle of syrup was something that he wanted to do.
"Here. I'll clean up." Patton offered seeing Self Preservation already starting to clean the dishes. He went to take a knife from Self Preservation and somehow, through a fumble of finger the blade slipped from them both, slicing the Half Sides palm.
Self Preservation did not react, but Remus like a shark that could smell blood, just seemed to teleport behind the Dad Side and practically threw him from the kitchen, spewing curse words. Virgil was quick enough to help catch Patton, as Remus quickly grabbed Self Preservation's hand, and glared hard at the injury before snapping his head at an odd angle to turned that glare onto Patton.
Patton shrunk behind Virgil with wide eyes. He seen Remus angry. He'd seen Remus chaotic. Even when he kept them up for three days, at least his eyes weren't solely focused on Patton. "I am going to squash you into mush!" Remus growled out, starting to stalk to the Moral Side.
Patton squeaked in fright. While Virgil blocked Remus's path. "It was an accident, Remus. You know Patton wouldn't hurt anyone." Virgil said, arms spread out so Remus couldn't slip past.
"I don't fucking care. He's hurt. He can't defend himself like this, and I will be damn if I just let whatever happens to him be brushed off as some accident!" Remus snarled, subconsciously getting into a fighters stance.
"You're being way too possessive, Remus. Just chill. Okay. He's fine. He's not going to break." Virgil said.
Patton watch horrified as Remus's eye twitched. "He already fucking broke, you fucking bastards!!" Remus screeched, lunging forward. Virgil moved forward too, determined to not let the Duke get to Patton.
Patton flinched as the two started to fight, and almost missed it when Self Preservation with no expression what-so-ever flicked a hand, resulting in his chains to shoot up from the floor and stopping both Virgil and Remus to be yanked away from each other. "I cannot allow you to keep fighting. I think a few minutes in your rooms should help calm you all down." Self Preservation said, before the chains sent both Virgil and Remus to their rooms.
Remus of course fought. "Jay!" He said, in almost pleading tone, with worry in his eyes.
"Not for too long Intrusive Thoughts." Self Preservation reassured, before the Intrusive Side was fully dragged away.
Patton look dead at Self Preservation when the whole room became quiet beside the few banging noises from up stairs. That's when it hit Patton. Self Preservation might not be able to shift, anymore, but he came with a new ability. He could lock them all away if he wanted to.
Self Preservation's eyes went to meet Patton's before dropping to his hurt hand. And though there was no inkling of emotion in those brown eyes, Patton could see the contemplation happening. "Do you think I am broken too, Morality?" Was the question asked from the Half Side after a minute of silence.
"No. You're fine just as you are. You were fine just as you were. Which ever way you chose to be you are perfect to us. I promise we would love you no matter what you chose to be. As long as it makes you happy! Change is just hard. I'm sure Remus didn't mean you were broken, just that he's really worried about you. He really cares about you, you know." Patton quickly answered, not even sure if he was answering correctly. He could hear himself fumbling over his words.
"I think you all do not like me. You all miss Deceit." Self Preservation said, moving to grab a paper towel to place on his cut.
That's when Patton realized he should move. He should help. Janus was one of his kiddos. "Here let me help." He said, practically running to the Half Side and started digging for the med-kit Logan had under the sink. "We love you kiddo. And yeah we miss you as Deceit. But no matter what you are Janus. You'll always be Janus to us."
Self Preservation didn't move as the Moral Side ducked under the sink. "Do you mean that? That you would love me no matter what I chose to be?" He asked.
Patton hummed in an affirmation as he finally caught sight of the med-kit shoved in the back of the sink cabinet. "Of course Kiddo." Patton said, as he stood back up and wait for Self Preservation to give him his hand. "I know I never showed it in the past, but I do care about you. I just hope its not too late to prove it too you." Patton said, mumbling the last part, as the thought that it actually might be too late. He felt his eyes begin to burn so kept his head down and focusing hard on dressing the cut on the Half Sides palm.
"You wish to prove it to me?" Self Preservation asked.
"I wish I could. I hope I can. I know the other would too. " Patton said, finishing with a band-aide on the cut, and with a deep sigh, lifted his head to look at Self Preservation.
He felt his breath leave him when his eyes met not blank brown eyes, but yellow slitted eyes.
"Well then, Morality. Let'sss have sssome one on one then, shall we." A broken yellow glow came from Janus's chest and Patton watched stunned as Janus's clear human skin slowly got cover in scales. Taking Self Preservation away and leaving in his place Selfishness. The Snake chuckled at the Moral's Sides stunned silence. "Did you missss me, Morality? We're going to have sssuch a fun time together. And i have jussst the placsse in mind!" The Half Side said with a mischievous fanged smiled. grabbing hold of the Dad's Sides wrist and sinking out with him in tow, ignoring the surprised squeak that left the Moral Side.
TBC